CD Teenage son

[LouiseK (F)]

I have a fifteen year old son who has from an early age enjoyed wearing girls clothes, over the years I have gone through stages of telling him off for taking his sisters things,turning a blind eye and even letting him have a few hand me downs in the hope the novelty would wear off. I know I have probably made things worse and confused him but I really did not know what to do for the best I always thought it was something he would grow out of and for a few years from the age of about 11 I thought he had.

However in September last year I was gathering up the laundry baskets from the kids rooms as usual there was a pile of clothes on his floor when I started picking them up I found a pair of tights and a pair of knickers. Obviously not a great surprise but still felt a little shocked.

We had a chat about it via text as it seems he can open up much better that way, he tells me that its something he wants to do but did not want to upset me, I told him I was not upset and reminded him of a couple of incidents when he was younger which seemed to help break the ice. He says he is ok with being a boy and just that he likes to dress but is not sure why.
So anyway over the last few months i have bought him a few bits some he asked for some I bought just to try and show I was ok with it. I know he is wearing them as they appear in the laundry but so far he still seems to keep it to himself, my daughter says that he often changes after school and will spend time with her watching tv etc.
So I kind of feel that he is avoiding me which is a shame as I miss him and I would much prefer to be involved and that he would be comfortable around me while dressed.

Do any of you think I can coax him out or should I just leave well alone?

[Anthony Simon]

Well, the one good thing about this is he seems to be at ease about the CDing himself. How would you feel about offering to go and buy stuff with him - or over the internet? That would be a pretty unequivocal statement of acceptance - since he seems uneasy about your reactions.

[Davita]

Your daughter said he sits dressed with her. Talk to her a bit and maybe she can tell you what's going on in his head. Don't push other than to say you want him to be okay. Gosh forbid you make her feel bad for being able to be around him when he is fem while you're not able.

Once you gain some more insight, then have a heart to heart with him. You love him; tell him. It counts as much or more as buying him things. Do you ask if the things you get him fit? Are the colors etc he likes? As we tell girls here all the time open dialog is important. We also say, small steps... don't rush and overwhelm the other.

BTW, if he feels alone, most of us here don't bite. If (s)he joins, make sure we know his/her age in an intro so we aware and talk accordingly.

[Emily]

Do any of you think I can coax him out or should I just leave well alone?

It sounds like you are handling this quite well so far, Louise! Good for you! Is it fair to say that some parents might not be as accepting?

Chances are that your son's crossdressing will never go away, so let it be... Just let him know that you are OK with his dressing. Let him know that he has your love and support... tell him you miss him, and that you accept his choice and want to be involved whenever he feels comfortable to do so.

And if (s)he ever has any questions... this forum is a great place to find answers! We've all been there once ourselves...

[LouiseK (F)]

Thank your for your replies,

I think there is some embarrassment about the whole thing on both sides if I am honest so I guess finding a way through that is important and it probably needs to be me to take the lead on that just not sure how.
As I said before I haven't handled this well in the past and I deeply regret that now, I am really trying to make amends and honestly do not have any problem with him dressing as he wants.

There are only myself my daughter and him at home so it seems such a shame that we cant spend time together I would really like to move past this and get to a point where we are both comfortable.

There have been some small steps since this all came to a head so its not all negative.

Sometimes i wonder if its more me feeling guilty and wanting to put things right, I do feel slightly shut out and I do want to be a part of this side of him.

I have bought him a few things but no we have never sat down and shopped online or indeed gone out shopping together.

[Emily]

I have bought him a few things but no we have never sat down and shopped online or indeed gone out shopping together.

Sounds like there maybe be a couple of options, Louise. Great that there have been some small steps... a definite plus! But I think you could either wait, let him come to you on his own when he's ready and feels comfortable...

OR,

Maybe sit down with your daughter, do some online browsing with her. He may feel inclined to see what you are doing and also wish to look... But don't put him in a position where he has to pick things for himself. Don't make him feel uncomfortable. If he feels like this is a set up, then he'll probably never want to be open. Instead, maybe just ask him his opinion... "I am thinking of this, your sister is thinking of that... do you like it?" If he doesn't want to join in on the fun, then just let it go and try again another time... BUT... I can almost guarantee that within a few minutes... (s)he'll be wanting to pick things for (her)himself too! I know I would have at that age if in a similar situation!

Still, at the end of the day, you are his mom and I can totally understand why he might feel uncomfortable (even in what appears to be an accepting environment). It's a natural reaction that shouldn't be taken personally. Just continue to show your love and support - and let him open up once he is ready.

[Anthony Simon]

As I said before I haven't handled this well in the past and I deeply regret that now, I am really trying to make amends and honestly do not have any problem with him dressing as he wants....Sometimes i wonder if its more me feeling guilty....

I don't think you have anything to berate yourself over. You've been honestly trying to do what's best for him. I think I've got to say this: As a mother you're going to be carrying all sorts of responsibilities his sister won't. So you've got to worry about how all this is going to turn out for him.

If you were basically in the position of hoping the CDing would go away - and sometimes trying to make it do so - you can hardly be blamed for that. CDing still carries a social stigma and doesn't make for that easy a life. It's not a well-understoood subject and if you're confused, that's wholly understandable.

Your daughter doesn't have all these parental responsibilities to carry. So she can just sit down with your son and let it happen. That's part of the reason, doubtless, he's at ease with her.

[Martina Hall]

Maybe just show him this forum, and the thoughts you have been sharing with us? Once he understands you are accepting, y'all can plan a shopping trip!

[LouiseK (F)]

You all make really good points and I am taking it all on board, thank you.

I have spent the last few days reading through the posts on this site and it has been very enlightening. I wish I had made the effort to find out more when he was younger the more I read the more I realise how I must have hurt him

Right now I just want to give him a big hug and take him shopping lol but I know thats more about making me feel better than helping him.
By the way am I offending anyone by using him and he?

My daughter says that she never really talks about his dressing unless he asks for advice and that when he spends time with her he seems very comfortable and natural, he has told her he would prefer it if it was just seen as an everyday thing and not something that has to be talked about and examined, I think that was a deserved dig at me!

Having looked around this site and of course knowing my son I am convinced that its not healthy carrying on like this.
I am not going to approach it directly but am going to try and make it feel much more "everyday" for him.
I guess i mean trying to treat him a little more like his sister.

Going to try and get him to come with me shopping one evening this week see if I can break the ice that way

[DonnaT]

he has told her he would prefer it if it was just seen as an everyday thing and not something that has to be talked about and examined

Have a talk with him and tell him:

• You want to be a part of his life, including when he dresses.
  You will not ask question and pry into what feels or why he dresses
  He can open up to you any time about anything
  You are still the parent and his welfare will always be your number one priority

It's highly unlikely to go away. I've been CDing for over 50 years.

[Stephanie M]

Hi Louise, you wrote.

he has told her he would prefer it if it was just seen as an everyday thing and not something that has to be talked about and examined, I think that was a deserved dig at me!

I don't see that necessarily as a dig at you. Talking about this is hard enough at first on the internet to strangers, much less to your own mother. My advice is just let him know he's welcome to wear whatever makes him feel comfortable and if he decides he needs to talk you will happily listen and do whatever you can for him. He may not talk for years, or he may next week, leave that up to him and what he's comfortable with.

[LouiseK (F)]

I think some of the things I have realised over this last week are that actually my son is pretty happy, certainly luckier than a lot of other cross dressers in terms of acceptance and support. Also that the whole thing of bringing this out in the open is probably more to do with own selfish needs than his.

I have decided to let things just happen as they will, he knows he has my love and support and I will continue to show that, I will try and involve him more when shopping maybe ask his opinion on things, offer to buy something while we are out etc and try to get him to join in when my daughter and I have a girly night. Generally just try to make things as normal as possible in the hope he will become more comfortable over time.

[Eileen (SO)]

You're a good Mum, Louise! I'm sure you wouldn't mind that I've shared this story with my CD husband. He's not on this forum but helps me form opinions. I also mess up the he/she pronouns as it's easier to keep things straight in my own head.

How old is your daughter? Society has changed quite a bit, but cross dressing is still something that most prefer to remain a secret. If at some time he wants to go public, that should be his choice, not from some sibling rivalry.
It sounds like your son is well adjusted. He is a young man that is comfortable dressing female without much guilt. He enjoys being a sister to his sister, but may be reluctant to be his Mother's daughter. You want to be part of this alter lifestyle, he's not ready to be so open. Maybe some day, maybe never. Mom's love our children unconditionally. Sometimes we try to get so involved, we get pushed away. Sons love their mother differently than daughters do. He may want to be your son first.

At his age, young girls are discovering womanhood. Dressing flirty and practicing make up. Does he dress fully for his age? How much time at home does he spend as a girl? Outside of dressing, how is his social life?

It was fun raising my daughter as she matured into a young lady. I'm not so sure how I would have handled doing the same with my son. Bless your good intentions.

Eileen

[Stephanie M]

I have decided to let things just happen as they will, he knows he has my love and support and I will continue to show that, I will try and involve him more when shopping maybe ask his opinion on things, offer to buy something while we are out etc and try to get him to join in when my daughter and I have a girly night. Generally just try to make things as normal as possible in the hope he will become more comfortable over time.

Sounds good. Be supportive but not pushy and just let nature take it's course.

[LouiseK (F)]

Thank you all , I am trying

Its not that I am trying to get him to go public with this, but just to arrive at a point where he is comfortable being himself around the house its his home so its important he feels safe and relaxed.
But as I said earlier I realise now that this will happen when he is ready all I can do is keep making it clear that its ok and nothing to be embarrassed about.
If I had handled it better in the past I doubt we would be in this situation at all which is why I feel the need to be supportive now but I do see that he needs space and time as well.

He dresses in normal fashionable outfits all appropriate for his age nothing really outrageous or anything like that, he doesn't have a great deal of stuff to chose from at the moment, the bits he chose for himself are all lovely he seems to know what he likes. I know most evenings after school he will dress, from what i understand not always fully though. Weekends and holidays he will dress completely whenever he has the chance, in the holidays my daughter says he will sometimes spend all day dressed if he has not got to go out, I think sometimes he will dress fully for just an hour or so!! Does that sound typical?

He has always been a quiet person he has friends but a small close circle they do all socialise and he does still go out a fair bit. I don't mean to make it sound like he is locked in his room all the time its not quite that bad