just found out about my father

[Ada B(GG)]

Hi. I’m going by the name Ada. I'm a new member and I am so happy this place exists. I recently found out that my father is a cross dresser and has been for years. I came across a wig, breast inserts, etc while looking for something in my father’s closet. It was an accidental discovery. The next day I confronted him about it and he reluctantly told me that he dressed in women’s clothing. I told him that it changed nothing and I would accept this part of him fully. I was extremely supportive and even addressed it in a positive light. There has always been some mysterious side to him that I could never quite place, so I told him I had some closure. This all happened the day before thanksgiving, my first day home from college this year, and the day relatives were arriving…the day also had other complications…I'm beginning to ramble…time to stop writing a copious amount of detail. I was very supportive, because I love him. I couldn’t tell him that this was hard for me. He seemed so ashamed, the look on his face…he looked so humiliated and torn somehow…it was very hard for him that his daughter knew…I’ve never seen him look like that before. I just could not tell him how hard this is for me. My father is such a macho man. He is very masculine. I usually would assume that he found cross dressers to be weird. I would never even imagine that he would accept such a thing in another person. I would be the one trying to convince him that he needed to be more open minded and accept people for who they are. This is just so very…well out of left field for me. My mother and father are the two most important people in the world. We have a pretty close family; it’s just the 3 of us. I just feel somehow deceived. And this whole thing is making me question my relationships with everyone. I find myself wondering if I really know anyone. I just wish it hadn’t been so hidden from me, though I understand the motivations behind it. They were trying to somehow shield or protect me, but this is worse discovering the truth out of the blue. I have been sworn to secrecy by both parents and I will honor their wishes, but I feel trapped somehow…I need to talk to people about this, to understand…anyway that’s my situation…sorry if i've been longwinded…responses are more than welcome
ps i don't know how to add (SO) any help appreciated

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Ada B.,

Perhaps sometime in the near future you and your parents can have an open discussion to address your feelings and your questions about being a daughter of a CD.
I have not read the book that CJ recommended to you in your introdction to the group but I'm sure it probably wouldn't hurt to do so (and in fact I am curious about the book myself).

I am the mother of two boys so if you have any questions for me or I can help you in any way please let me know.

It probably is not appropriate to put SO after your name so maybe Shannon and Sharon can give you an FF abbriviation for family/friends or something but I'm sure that Beauty or Shannon and Sharon are working on it for you.

Anyway, I'm glad that you signed on as this is a great place to talk things out for Crossdressers , their spouses, their family and friends.

Welcome again


Lefty

[Ada B(GG)]

Dear Lefty,
Thank you for your prompt response. I actually have talked with my mother; I had a good long cry. Some stuff went on in my father’s childhood that led to him cross-dressing. He discovered through therapy that it stems from his early life. My mother relayed the story to me. It changed my view of my grandmother. I don’t see how I can have a real relationship with that woman after finding out this information. I realize I’m being a bit vague but I just don’t want to go into it. I just…I don’t know how to talk with my father about it. He’s always been there for me, but I feel a rift between us. I have so many swirling emotions surrounding this. I feel this pain for my dad that he’s had to hide this all his life and feel ashamed. And I’m so angry with people who mistreated him. I feel like something’s been hidden from me. I’m mad at him somehow for never letting me know. I feel horrible being mad at him. I feel like I’m an awful person for feeling mad. I just don’t know what to say to him…I don’t know how to talk to him right now. The thanksgiving break was so short and we had family there… that made it harder having to hide all this. Now I’m back at college and I feel like I’m carrying this rock in my stomach. I need to talk about it to lighten the burden, but I can’t at school. When I get back home I’m going to have a chance to work through this. I’ve just been shoving it to the back of my mind but last night I just needed to…I don’t know talk…and feel less alone. I may sound overly dramatic…but…this is the only forum I can discuss it and it really is affecting me…as I’m sure it is my father. I wonder what he’s thinking…anyway I apologize for the length…I’m sorry. Lefty how old are your sons? Do they know your husband is a CD? Just writing this out is helping so very much.

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Ada,

I think we just have good timing and happen to be on-line the same time !

My oldest son is 12 and my youngest is just a baby under one year.
My oldest does suspect something is different and we have made some progress in discussion.
Because of his age,however, I only give him as much information as he needs to know for his age group. For the most part it is very general and in theory only although he does know my other half seems to like alot of feminine things.
So far he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. I'm going along with my other half's wishes that neither boy is to find out unless they specifically ask.
However ,we are being age appropriate in discussions and hope that we do not need to have a grown-up discussion about the subject until they are in fact grown up.

Reading your story about your feelings has made me see that everyone is different and I really need to take my cues from each child individually.

To touch base about what you mentioned in regards to other family members and in particular your paternal grandmother, I can understand
your initial anger and disappointment but you also need to let go of that energy because it does no one any good at this point.
Being there for your father NOW is a good thing and it's wonderful to feel the emotion, love, support and in particular the respect that you have for your father. He is a very lucky parent to have such a great daughter and your ability to love and understand others is an emense compliment to not only you but to both of your parents as well.

With time your father might want to talk further about things but he should probably initiate it.
Maybe you can just let him know that you'll be there if he needs you and that you love him.


Hope I'm helping you some....


Lefty

[Ada B(GG)]

You really are helping allot...Thank you...I'll write more soon...but now i think im going to try studying for finals

[Kay(SO)]

Ada,
I just popped on here and read your heartfelt post and wanted to tell you my thoughts and that I completely understand how you feel. I am a supportive, loving wife of a crossdresser and thinking back to when I learned this about him, I too felt confused. He was upfront with me and didn't hide it but I do understand why you would feel betrayed in some way, even though logically you know it was to protect you and him. You sound like an intelligent, compassionate young woman and I applaud you for being so open minded. Your parent's did a great job with you too. Give yourself some time honey. You just found out about it and though it's not the end of the world, it does tend to bring about a variety of feelings and usually all at once. You may, okay probably, will even go through some type of grief process. Who you thought your father was has changed slightly and even though he's still him, your ideal of him has been altered. There was no malice in his not telling you about it. Most CD'rs are ashamed and embarrassed at some point, especially before they truly accept themselves and don't give hoot what the world thinks. Not everyone reaches that point, hence your being sworn to secrecy. In some ways, he will probably feel a sense of relief in your knowing. Think of how difficult it's been keeping this secret for all of these years, afraid of being rejected? Like I said, give yourself time to sort out your feelings, look to the compassion that it sounds like you already have within you and take small steps in learning more. You have time... I'm glad you are here and hope you'll keep sharing. Oh yes, and the way that most of us (SO's or FF's) get through it all and can finally relax is to keep honest lines of communication open with the person in our lives who CD's. Don't be afraid to tell him if you're struggling. Just make sure you also let him know that you love him unconditionally but that you need to sort out some things in your own mind. Good luck to you,
Kay(SO)

[Shannon]

Well Ada, the GG's here seem to be taking good care of you.... I personally am really amazed by the things that have been said by and too you....

I hope us CD's can join in and give you equally insightful advice and thoughts....

But I will say at this point there was a few very good points made above by the GG's...

1) Lefty said "... you also need to let go of that energy because it does no one any good... " This is so true, I know it is hard to do, but please don't waste your energy getting angry over the past.. concentrate on what is going on here and now.. the benefits are much greater

2) Lefy also said " ... With time your father might want to talk further about things but he should probably initiate it. "... This is SO true... I have been in a similar situation with my wife.... I experienced such an overwhelming feeling of shame and fear.... if my wife came up to me a wanted to talk about it before I was ready I would just freak.... It is really difficult to open up about this to those that are important to us CD's.... Just realize your father is not trying to hide from you or hurt you... it is just fear of the unknown...

3) Kay said "... but I do understand why you would feel betrayed in some way..." I hope you are not feeling betrayed, but I bet you are... Believe me, we CD's know we are hiding things from and lying to those that are very important to us, but we just can't help it.... It is fear within us that drives our lies..... not the desire to hurt....

Well darn, I am definately rambling... I hope I atleast got some useful information across to you...

But again, welcome to the forum... I look forward to talking with you more.

[Dixie Darling]

Ada,

I sent you a private email concerning your situation. Please do let me know if you got it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Ada,

I am really impressed (blown away is a better word!) at the sensitivity and compassion and insight displayed in the other posts about your situation. There is very little new I can add; they have indeed covered the highlights and done it so well.

My only small contribution is to say that time is on your side and your father's side! With time will come understanding and healing. With time you'll see that your father is still the same man you have always loved and who has loved you so much; the only difference is now you know something important about him. You'll be able to begin to understand how this facet of his personality adds to the person he is, perhaps how he tried to keep it from affecting you, and so on.

This discovery didn't come at a time he chose. So it is natural for him (and you) to want this fact to go "back in the closet"--to be able to pretend it never happened. That isn't possible, of course. Knowledge is here to stay. With time, your dad will come to understand and accept this. When he does, he'll begin to feel like talking. But he's not there yet, it doesn't sound like. This will also take time.

Show him love, honor, and patience. And time will be on your side.

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Just checking to see if you are still around Ada ... hope things are well!

[Allena]

Ada B, I too hope you are doing well and still around.
Kinda selfish of me, but I'd like to hear more about your feelings on this issue.
I have a 10 year old daughter that I want to share my crossdressing with, meaning, I would like her to know about it.

As far as waiting for your father to initiate any conversation on the crossdressing issue...my feeling is that you will know better than anyone whether you should bring it up or not.

If my wife wants to talk about crossdressing with me (I've only been "out" since last November or so), I'd be fine with her approaching. In fact, I've wanted her to come to me with her thoughts and questions.
I want to know that she finds my crossdressing worth her time and critical thought, instead of something she might be repulsed by or ashamed of.
As for my daughter, I would much rather she know now. If she "discovers" it by accident like you, I agree that learning a secret like this by surprise would be much worse.

Look for opportunities to introduce crossdressing into your conversations.
Or, find a way to talk with your father about the seperate issues involved here.
Like, acceptance of people for who they are. You don't have to mention crossdressing, but you might make your father feel more inclined to talk if he sees your acceptance of different behaviors and/or people.

I'm not sure which book was recommended to you...there are several out there written from the Crossdresser's and the Wife's point-of-view.
But here's a book written by a daughter, about her father's crossdressing, their relationship before and after she found out, and her family's dynamics (Mom, Dad and Daughter).
I believe it belongs right up there with all the other good books about crossdressing.

Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhoods - My Mother's, My Father's and Mine
written by Noelle Howey

ISBN:0-312-42258-X

printed by Picadore USA


http://www.curledup.com/drescode.htm

http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/comm ... 21209.html

[Lorna]

Hello Ada,

First of all, please pardon the fact that this reply is 2 1/2 months after the original post...

I don't have kids myself, but I am sure that in terms of delicate topics such as this, there never is an easy way to tell the children. But when you mentioned how he always "seemed macho" and you in some cases would tell him that he needed to be more open-minded, I was intrigued.

I can fully understand why you felt decieved. From your point of view your father has always always carried on the traditional macho personna. I don't know how old you or your father are, but it is my guess that he grew up in a time where men were raised to be nothing less than the tough, macho, agressive, breadwinning "Alpha Male". Every male on this earth over 25 years of age can most certainly identify with "Men don't cry" or "Men don't ever discuss feelings" or "Walk it off! Suck it up!" Be tough!" The older the male, the more "being tough" was emphasised during childhood.

Had he had the available resources that are available to crossdressers today, there is no doubt in my mind that he may have projected a different, more open, softer side of his personna during your childhood while retaining his internal and external masculinity. He may even would have found a way to tell you, instead of you discovering his feminine items by accident. At that point it probably still may or may not have been a shock, but not to such a great extent.

I am sure that your father had no intention of deceiveing you. But you know what? I'm proud of you! I'm proud of you for having handled the situation as well as you have. I'm also glad that you are able to look beyond the makeup and still see him for who he really is, for who he has always been - a father and a provider.

*hugs*

~ Lorna Taylor

[Elle]

Good Morning All,

Ada B. let me tell you that your father's background in this is what probably led him to total secrecy. You did not go into detail about his mothers relationship, nor am I asking. And I will not go into details about my mothers reaction and relationship to me.

But trust me, at a young age, mothers exert more influence over thier children than anyone knows. what they say, or don't say, carries weight far beyond anything a father can do. Children look to their mothers for comfort and when that comfort is with held or removed all together a child is left all alone in the world.

Let me tell you a brief story about my past. when my mother discovered my first article of women's clothing she confronted me, not with understanding or concern, but with outrage. Her only question was, "did you wear this?" I lied and said no. She then folded the item up and slammed it down on top of the cookie jar. She knew the way to her childrens heart was the cookies that she made weekly and we were free to take. She left that item laying there for at least 2 months, it was horrible and every meal that I ate was a reminder of her loathing of me and what I did since from my chair I had to look straight at that cookie jar.

At that moment she slammed the door between us and she passed away thinking I was gay and some sort of pervert. Neither is the case, but the feeling of being cast adrift by my mother haunts me to this day. So if your father had any experience that borders on this or exceeds it his entire life has been trying to hide his shame.

My wife knows of my mothers treatment of this issue, and she felt the same way you did. Luckily my mother had passed before my wife found out or I am sure the strain would have been to great. So listen to the others here, don't dwell on the past, you can't change it anymore than your father can.

Live in the present, keep an open mind, and for heaven's sake talk to your parents about how you feel. I don't mean confrontation, that is the wrong approach. But be honest about how you feel and try to find appropriate times to speak to them. As I mentioned before, my mother passed away about 11 years ago and my biggest regret in life is that I never took the time as an adult to set down with her and talk about what was between us.

If I had done so I would not be a totured soul today.

Take care,

Elle (aka Dan a 55 year old cross dresser)

[Virginia]

Dear Ada:
I won't bore you with the gory details, but my daughter knows that I am a CD'er. She is 33 and I have two wonderful grandchildren. The thing that I have discerned from all that I have read and dealt with is that the majority of CD'ers are just "wired differently" from the "normal" male. The positive side of that is that we (CDer's) in general seem to have a better understanding of the female mindset and by acting on that we are able to form stronger relationships with the female members of our family.
Needless to say there are those female members that really have trouble dealing with CDing, and the reasons for it run the gammet. I can only speak for myself but I find myself more intouch with my wife and her feelings, desires and expectations and I think it makes our relationship stronger. Your father hopefully experiences the same feeling of more "feminine understandings" than a lot of "normal" males do. As I see it for those of us who are wired to the feminine side for feminity sake it is all a positive influence on us and our families!! So look at the positive aspects of this (personally I see no negative side for me).
Love.
Deborah

[Kersten Lee]

Ada and Elle,

Ada, your dad has these feelings and secrecy is probably important
for him to maintain his job, position with friends and in the community.
Was he a loving father, taught you right from wrong, praised you
when you succeded, and suffered with you when you failed. I understand
your hurt and feelings, you can get past this. If your dad was a horrible
father you may have deeper problems of resentment that may
need investigated.

Elle and Ada, I suffered terrible abuse, physical and mental, by both
parents. When I got married, my wife was accutely aware of my problems
and my parents. After marriage I stopped going to visit them on
recommendation by a lutheran counselor as these visits and their constant
rejection caused me to be strongly suicidal. They stopped to visit
us. We live 24 miles apart and have been estranged for 27 years. The last
time I saw my father was in 84. He showed up one afternoon where I
was working and was in the market for a product we made. He wondered
if I could get a discount for him. I told him no even though I could have.
I worked on their farm as a slave up to when I left. He never called me by
name and when around others he called me the boy. I was never payed
and never had time or permission to socialize. I was brain washed like
a prisoner of war. My therapist said in these times they both would have
been put in prison.

My happiest times as a child was going shopping for all kinds of feminine
articles with my mother. These were the times she was happy and I shared
in that happiness. I am a seriously sensitive person. My therapist
conclusion is that I may have been helped to the path of the feminine
by my deprivation of the care and love I needed as a sensitive boy. She
also believes that men and women can naturally be born with a variance
in gender balance which is in evidence in everyone we might meet.

I have come to the conclusion that I do have a strong balance toward
feminine behaviors, but not so much to desire being a woman full time.
Statistically, I have seen a small minority of Cross dressers were abused
as children. I don't believe abuse is the primary cause. I now feel I
probably would have embraced cross dressing and expressed my
feminine side despite any changes in my up bringing. What I do believe
is that if my parents had loved me I could have had a much happier
and balanced life all these years. I am only first learning to love myself.
I'm not a monster. I am a caring and loving human being and husband.

Ada, if your father was a good man, I hope you can find in your heart
to forgive him. Not because he has sinned but because of the betrayal
you naturally feel. If he was horrible, you may need to find strength in
yourself to come to terms with this issue. I will pray tonight that you
find the peace you need. You are a wonderful woman by what you have
written. Don't forget to love yourself for who you are.

Elle, I want you to know your not alone. I can understand a lot because
of what I went through. You can always share. I will not condemn you.
I am starting to feel blessed these days because I would not be who I
am without the tribulations I've had. Sharing can be good for the heart.

Kersten