Hi Jennifer,
Everyone needs a good scream now and then. I'm sorry to hear you had such a lousy morning.
Your Gran sounds like a really wise woman and it sounds like you'd be smart to spend more time with her than with your parents who still sound like they're still in an unhealthy place. I agree with Darlene that refusing to even consider professional help sounds like there's still a lot of denial going on. From other things you've said, it sounds like there may have been other already-existing issues (such as your father's dominating behavior) that were brought to a head by the discovery of his dressing.
To me you're doing a lot more than your Mum and Dad to work on resolve things. Your suggestion of counseling was just common sense given what you've described happening.
I'm not familiar with Crossdressers Discussion Forum. But I won't BS you, if you go seaching far and wide on the internet you will run into some stuff on CDing that will disturb you. CDing affects all sorts of guys and there's a whole spectrum of behavior. Some of us like to talk about more interpersonal things, others will talk sports when in a dress. Some seem to thrive on clubbing, strutting their stuff and seeing if guys hit on them. Some seem mostly interested in being cum receptacles and playing the whore. And for some, it may be less threatening for them to think of themselves as "perverts" (i.e. fetishistic TVs) than to acknowledge they've got gender identity issues.
I think you made an asute observation that part of the pain is the feeling you've lost the last of your childhood before its time. And you have. If it's any consolation, we all end up learning that our parents are "ordinary people" too and that sometimes they've got feet of clay. Unfortunately, you've had to come to this realization on an accelerated schedule. The one positive is that you probably end up being wise beyond your years, just like your Gran.
Your Gran's comments about accepting the fact that you might never accept something is so true. Just realize that making that decision doesn't mean you can't change your mind later. It just means you're accepting that you may never be able to change your mind.
To that I'd add that in my experience is that you can never change other people, you can only change yourself. In other words, you can encourage your parents, but ultimately only they themselves can decide to do the things they need to do to improve things.
Just remember, you're not a victim and you're not alone.
Hugs,
Darla
hi - *LOCKED*
Moderators: KimberlyS, Eileen (SO)
-
Marlena Dahlstrom
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 217
- Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 1:54 am
- Location: SF Bay Area
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi Jennifer,
Gawd do I love your personality! I'm so proud of you. Every time I read a new post by you, you are getting stronger and the wisdom you have been taught is coming out in droves.
I'm not sure if you want to or not, but you are really using your brain a lot more than your dad is right now and it's showing. You're starting to be more of the adult here because of what Darlene referred to, denial. You're the only one it seems who's not in it. You and your Gran, I mean.
You're doing so wonderful. I'm sorry you're not getting full cooperation from the family yet, but you will. You don't give up and I love that!
I'm so glad my world was enriched by having a Jennifer in it.
Beauty
Gawd do I love your personality! I'm so proud of you. Every time I read a new post by you, you are getting stronger and the wisdom you have been taught is coming out in droves.
I'm not sure if you want to or not, but you are really using your brain a lot more than your dad is right now and it's showing. You're starting to be more of the adult here because of what Darlene referred to, denial. You're the only one it seems who's not in it. You and your Gran, I mean.
You're doing so wonderful. I'm sorry you're not getting full cooperation from the family yet, but you will. You don't give up and I love that!
I'm so glad my world was enriched by having a Jennifer in it. Beauty
-
Allena
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 144
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 1:43 pm
- Location: Humboldt County, California
Jennifer,
I'm glad you have your support group even though it's a small and intimate one - Grandma and friend.
It seems as though they are really helping you along with this.
I hate to say it, but it sounds as though you've done all you can for now with your Mom & Dad.
I worry that if you keep up this level of involvement with them, you'll stop moving forward in your life and the next few/several years will be totally unhappy compared to you living your life for yourself now.
I've been through situations in my family where people have gotten so involved with trying to help someone, only to watch as this person commits the same mistakes over-and-over again.
It hurts to put oneself in that position of rescuer, only to see all efforts/money/time apparently wasted.
I'm curious about what you think keeps you there with your Mom & Dad?
Can you go live with your Grandma?
Is there some way to live with your parents but be able to avoid them easy enough so you can get on with your life?
It really sounds as though you face a decision of continuing in the turmoil you are currently living, or choosing a path away from that.
Your parents will always be ''your parents'', and the relationship will probably continue to change over time.
Growing up and moving on doesn't mean you would be turning your back on them. Sometimes people need the space and time to work things out.
I'm guessing your folks are in their 40's or 50's?
If so, with the descriptions you have provided, I can't imagine you changing their minds through force (arguing). You will probably have very little direct influence on them. This is truly something they have to choose to look at and deal with.
Actually, they are looking at and dealing with the troubles, just not in a manner conducive to family harmony.
You can only control what you feel, think and do.
Be sure to concentrate on yourself...you deserve it!
I'm glad you have your support group even though it's a small and intimate one - Grandma and friend.
It seems as though they are really helping you along with this.
I hate to say it, but it sounds as though you've done all you can for now with your Mom & Dad.
I worry that if you keep up this level of involvement with them, you'll stop moving forward in your life and the next few/several years will be totally unhappy compared to you living your life for yourself now.
I've been through situations in my family where people have gotten so involved with trying to help someone, only to watch as this person commits the same mistakes over-and-over again.
It hurts to put oneself in that position of rescuer, only to see all efforts/money/time apparently wasted.
I'm curious about what you think keeps you there with your Mom & Dad?
Can you go live with your Grandma?
Is there some way to live with your parents but be able to avoid them easy enough so you can get on with your life?
It really sounds as though you face a decision of continuing in the turmoil you are currently living, or choosing a path away from that.
Your parents will always be ''your parents'', and the relationship will probably continue to change over time.
Growing up and moving on doesn't mean you would be turning your back on them. Sometimes people need the space and time to work things out.
I'm guessing your folks are in their 40's or 50's?
If so, with the descriptions you have provided, I can't imagine you changing their minds through force (arguing). You will probably have very little direct influence on them. This is truly something they have to choose to look at and deal with.
Actually, they are looking at and dealing with the troubles, just not in a manner conducive to family harmony.
You can only control what you feel, think and do.
Be sure to concentrate on yourself...you deserve it!
-
JenniferMu.(GG)
- Our Adopted Princess - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 10:52 pm
hi
Hi Allen,
You say you're curious as to what keeps me here with Mum and Dad? Well I've thought about that myself and I shudder that last time I went away interstate by myself was when our Mum tried to hurt herself and although I know that if she wanted to do it again then probably I couldn't stop her, but just being near her gives me comfort that I can see she's alright. A part of why I'm still here also is I just love them both so much and even though now things aren't all that good, my home still reminds me of what we once had and all the wonderful times we had and the love and warmth which made our home such an attraction for others to come spend time. That's something I miss so much, having my friends and my sisters friends come and stay, but that just doesn't happen anymore.
Mum is just so scared of what the neighbours will say and do if they find out about our father and even though he's said to her that it doesn't matter what they say or think, she's been close friends with them all her married life and all us kids have grown up together and I know how she feels. I know it must be hurting him with what's happening and by all I've learnt here in the last few months I cry for him but it always gets back to the same old thing no matter how hard I try I end up in the same place, so I've given up hope atm and am making plans to move on for good, although just now I've only told my best friend and we'll make plans around her move to uni in the new year.
My parents are in their 40's and fairly set in their ways and thinking, but the funny thing is my Gran is more forward and open thinking than they are and she's in her late 60's, but then she had a different life to them and she's a totally different person. She can face any adversity calmly and always seems to come up with something which is workable to most situations. If it was Gran who was in Mums shoes then she'd take charge of the situation and maybe we wouldn't be in the terrible mess we're in, but according to Gran, her daughter (Mum) is more of her (Mum's) fathers' makeup than Grans. Mum was just a toddler when her Father went off to Vietnam and Gran said she knew he'd never return, but she's lived her life since very w ell, even though she's never got over losing her husband. She's always slept with pillows under the blankets down the centre of the bed since he died, it's just as if there's someone in the bed with her and she's never looked at another man and I believe she'd never be short of advances as she was quite stunning in her younger years, but she's a very strong person and very strong willed. She says unfortunately I've inherited a lot of that from her and coupled with the strong will of my father which makes he and I conflict.
Darla, Gran said exactly word for word what you said about not being able to change people and she also added that we shouldn't even try to change anyone because it'll never work and usually ends in making bad friends. She says it's probably better to take a step back and leave them be because for over a year we've been going downhill and she thinks the only hope we had of a resolution by now would have been if I'd grown to accept the situation, but if I can't, and she doubts I ever will, then she says something or someone has to give way and that is most likely me. Another reason for me hanging in is my sis, but now she seems to be better than any of us with it all, even though she tells me she hates it, she can keep out of his way when he's dressed up. My main concern was her safety as she's a lot like Mum and has a soft quiet nature and gets upset very easy but she seems ok now she's talking to me about things again.
I'm about at the end of my tether with everything now. I really don't know what to do or where to turn, it just all seems so hopeless and that makes me very very sad to see what we all once had and it's all gone down the drain. I don't blame my father now. I did once but I guess if anything good has come out of this then I've been educated that it's not his fault and he's probably lived a very unhappy life inside him and that again makes me very sad and I know I should do everything I can to make him happy but it all gets back to the same old thing, I just go to pieces when I try to tell myself to behave and give him support, but I can do most things in life asked of me, but some things I just can't so I guess I'm defeated in a sense and that doesn't sit well with me either. I think it's a no win situation and I guess I just have to work out what's best for everyone and what gets up my nose is that whatever I come up with someone is going to get hurt, so it gets back to 'life really sucks'. I know people who stick needles in their arms and they don't seem to have all these sort of life problems, they don't have any worries except where and how to pay for their next fix and that seems small apples in the context of my life right now.
Anyway, thanks again for all the support, it's more than I ever expected, well i suppose I dont know what I expected when I first come here, I was a bit apprehensive about it but I've learned a lot even if my situation is still down the toilet and I can only say thanks for everyone's time and efforts, you're great, I just wish I could be another person and maybe things would be a lot better, but I guess it's true where I've seen it said many times on this site, ' we are what we are' and I have to learn to live with that even if I go off and never see my family again, life has to go on I guess.
Jennifer.
You say you're curious as to what keeps me here with Mum and Dad? Well I've thought about that myself and I shudder that last time I went away interstate by myself was when our Mum tried to hurt herself and although I know that if she wanted to do it again then probably I couldn't stop her, but just being near her gives me comfort that I can see she's alright. A part of why I'm still here also is I just love them both so much and even though now things aren't all that good, my home still reminds me of what we once had and all the wonderful times we had and the love and warmth which made our home such an attraction for others to come spend time. That's something I miss so much, having my friends and my sisters friends come and stay, but that just doesn't happen anymore.
Mum is just so scared of what the neighbours will say and do if they find out about our father and even though he's said to her that it doesn't matter what they say or think, she's been close friends with them all her married life and all us kids have grown up together and I know how she feels. I know it must be hurting him with what's happening and by all I've learnt here in the last few months I cry for him but it always gets back to the same old thing no matter how hard I try I end up in the same place, so I've given up hope atm and am making plans to move on for good, although just now I've only told my best friend and we'll make plans around her move to uni in the new year.
My parents are in their 40's and fairly set in their ways and thinking, but the funny thing is my Gran is more forward and open thinking than they are and she's in her late 60's, but then she had a different life to them and she's a totally different person. She can face any adversity calmly and always seems to come up with something which is workable to most situations. If it was Gran who was in Mums shoes then she'd take charge of the situation and maybe we wouldn't be in the terrible mess we're in, but according to Gran, her daughter (Mum) is more of her (Mum's) fathers' makeup than Grans. Mum was just a toddler when her Father went off to Vietnam and Gran said she knew he'd never return, but she's lived her life since very w ell, even though she's never got over losing her husband. She's always slept with pillows under the blankets down the centre of the bed since he died, it's just as if there's someone in the bed with her and she's never looked at another man and I believe she'd never be short of advances as she was quite stunning in her younger years, but she's a very strong person and very strong willed. She says unfortunately I've inherited a lot of that from her and coupled with the strong will of my father which makes he and I conflict.
Darla, Gran said exactly word for word what you said about not being able to change people and she also added that we shouldn't even try to change anyone because it'll never work and usually ends in making bad friends. She says it's probably better to take a step back and leave them be because for over a year we've been going downhill and she thinks the only hope we had of a resolution by now would have been if I'd grown to accept the situation, but if I can't, and she doubts I ever will, then she says something or someone has to give way and that is most likely me. Another reason for me hanging in is my sis, but now she seems to be better than any of us with it all, even though she tells me she hates it, she can keep out of his way when he's dressed up. My main concern was her safety as she's a lot like Mum and has a soft quiet nature and gets upset very easy but she seems ok now she's talking to me about things again.
I'm about at the end of my tether with everything now. I really don't know what to do or where to turn, it just all seems so hopeless and that makes me very very sad to see what we all once had and it's all gone down the drain. I don't blame my father now. I did once but I guess if anything good has come out of this then I've been educated that it's not his fault and he's probably lived a very unhappy life inside him and that again makes me very sad and I know I should do everything I can to make him happy but it all gets back to the same old thing, I just go to pieces when I try to tell myself to behave and give him support, but I can do most things in life asked of me, but some things I just can't so I guess I'm defeated in a sense and that doesn't sit well with me either. I think it's a no win situation and I guess I just have to work out what's best for everyone and what gets up my nose is that whatever I come up with someone is going to get hurt, so it gets back to 'life really sucks'. I know people who stick needles in their arms and they don't seem to have all these sort of life problems, they don't have any worries except where and how to pay for their next fix and that seems small apples in the context of my life right now.
Anyway, thanks again for all the support, it's more than I ever expected, well i suppose I dont know what I expected when I first come here, I was a bit apprehensive about it but I've learned a lot even if my situation is still down the toilet and I can only say thanks for everyone's time and efforts, you're great, I just wish I could be another person and maybe things would be a lot better, but I guess it's true where I've seen it said many times on this site, ' we are what we are' and I have to learn to live with that even if I go off and never see my family again, life has to go on I guess.
Jennifer.
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
JenniferMu.(GG)
- Our Adopted Princess - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 10:52 pm
hi
Well I think it's time for me to move on and leave you all in peace and thanks for letting me have all my whinges. I think I might have said some things I shouldn't have. My fathers favourite saying lately has been that I'd whinge if my bum was on fire, I don't really get the meaning of that one because I'm sure I would if that was the case. I'm really sorry if some things I've said has sounded offensive to anyone as it was never ever my intention.
I guess one day if you're still all here I may drop by if it's ok and tell what's happening if that's alright. I know I haven't handled all this at all well and I've been hypocritical with some things but it wasn't intentional, I've just never got over my initial shock and it even sounds silly to me, but if it were anyone but my father then it wouldn't be such a big deal. I know that's not being fair to him as he really is a great person and a great husband and father and it hurts me deeply that I've done all this to him and my family, but hard as I tried, and believe me I have, I just can't come to terms with him now, so it's time to move on very soon, as many people in my life have suggested lately.
Anyway, best wishes to everyone, I hope you never experience what we've gone through last year and this year.
Jennifer.
P.S. I really hate singling people out as there's so many wonderful men and women here, but CJ you're really cool, I've printed off so much of what you post on here, I wish I had an older brother (or sister maybe) like you. Your mind is wise, deep and beautiful.
I guess one day if you're still all here I may drop by if it's ok and tell what's happening if that's alright. I know I haven't handled all this at all well and I've been hypocritical with some things but it wasn't intentional, I've just never got over my initial shock and it even sounds silly to me, but if it were anyone but my father then it wouldn't be such a big deal. I know that's not being fair to him as he really is a great person and a great husband and father and it hurts me deeply that I've done all this to him and my family, but hard as I tried, and believe me I have, I just can't come to terms with him now, so it's time to move on very soon, as many people in my life have suggested lately.
Anyway, best wishes to everyone, I hope you never experience what we've gone through last year and this year.
Jennifer.
P.S. I really hate singling people out as there's so many wonderful men and women here, but CJ you're really cool, I've printed off so much of what you post on here, I wish I had an older brother (or sister maybe) like you. Your mind is wise, deep and beautiful.
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi everyone,
Confessional time here. I think I'm the cause of Jennifer leaving. I sent her a PM asking if I had offended her because she hadn't been responding to me in this thread. She thought she said something wrong when I asked her this question. I assured her she hadn't and how proud of her I was, but I guess I wasn't too convincing.
I'm totally devastated right now as this comes as a huge personal tragedy. I have a lot going on in my life and if I'm starting to miscommunicate my best intentions to someone we all love on the forum then I need to take a break. (I'm not leaving.. just stepping back a bit)
I apologize to everyone about what I just caused.
On a final note. I do agree what you said about CJ Jennifer and I think she's worth singling out.
Beauty
Confessional time here. I think I'm the cause of Jennifer leaving. I sent her a PM asking if I had offended her because she hadn't been responding to me in this thread. She thought she said something wrong when I asked her this question. I assured her she hadn't and how proud of her I was, but I guess I wasn't too convincing.
I'm totally devastated right now as this comes as a huge personal tragedy. I have a lot going on in my life and if I'm starting to miscommunicate my best intentions to someone we all love on the forum then I need to take a break. (I'm not leaving.. just stepping back a bit)
I apologize to everyone about what I just caused.
On a final note. I do agree what you said about CJ Jennifer and I think she's worth singling out.
Beauty
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Thanks, Jennifer. That's got to be one of the most wonderful compliments anyone's ever given me.
I just hope you realize, though, that what we have here is the result of a gestalt, the meeting of many great minds and hearts and lives. And you're a part of it too.
May you fare well, little sister.
Love,
CJ
Thanks, Jennifer. That's got to be one of the most wonderful compliments anyone's ever given me.
I just hope you realize, though, that what we have here is the result of a gestalt, the meeting of many great minds and hearts and lives. And you're a part of it too.May you fare well, little sister.
Love,
CJ
-
Allena
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 144
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 1:43 pm
- Location: Humboldt County, California
Goodbye Jennifer!
I'll miss you.
eta(edited to add)...
I feel extremely fortunate to be one of a few people in this world with whom you've shared such a difficult personal issue with. You've been gracious in your responses to what I've written and I really appreciate how you've carefully considered what everyone has posted here.
Sometimes I realize that my postings were not necessarily just about trying to help you out, but also a vehicle for me to learn more about all this myself.
In this regard, you have helped me tremendously! I'd like to thank you for that, Jennifer!
Take care on your journey. I have confidence that you can do great things with yourself!
Bear one thing in mind though as you travel onward...
Humans write their own rules and define 'right & wrong' all by themselves.
Nature has no 'right & wrong'.
Truth be told, there is no single standard on what's 'right or wrong' about how you handle situations like this one with your family.
Just as there have been differences in opinion on this one website alone with the small amount of information we've been given, you will/are finding out the same thing in your 'real' world back home.
Hopefully someday, the people in your family will realize that the most important thing is not attempting to define everyone's actions as being 'right or wrong', but just realizing that people are the way they are and then moving on from there.
However you decide to handle this issue so that you can live a life that is meaningful for you-first...that will be 'right'. Although people may wish for everyone to see things the same way...I think you have found that this is not always possible.
Be true to yourself and you will be the best person you can be for your family.
Believe me when I say, and I think I'm not alone here, that I sincerely hope you find the answers you need to carry on and the understanding to realize you no longer need to blame yourself for anything.
Put the blame away, look yourself in the mirror from time-to-time and smile!
You are a worthwhile person! You matter to a whole lot of folks even beyond your personal world there.
Take care and may you fare well!
I'll miss you.
eta(edited to add)...
I feel extremely fortunate to be one of a few people in this world with whom you've shared such a difficult personal issue with. You've been gracious in your responses to what I've written and I really appreciate how you've carefully considered what everyone has posted here.
Sometimes I realize that my postings were not necessarily just about trying to help you out, but also a vehicle for me to learn more about all this myself.
In this regard, you have helped me tremendously! I'd like to thank you for that, Jennifer!
Take care on your journey. I have confidence that you can do great things with yourself!
Bear one thing in mind though as you travel onward...
Humans write their own rules and define 'right & wrong' all by themselves.
Nature has no 'right & wrong'.
Truth be told, there is no single standard on what's 'right or wrong' about how you handle situations like this one with your family.
Just as there have been differences in opinion on this one website alone with the small amount of information we've been given, you will/are finding out the same thing in your 'real' world back home.
Hopefully someday, the people in your family will realize that the most important thing is not attempting to define everyone's actions as being 'right or wrong', but just realizing that people are the way they are and then moving on from there.
However you decide to handle this issue so that you can live a life that is meaningful for you-first...that will be 'right'. Although people may wish for everyone to see things the same way...I think you have found that this is not always possible.
Be true to yourself and you will be the best person you can be for your family.
Believe me when I say, and I think I'm not alone here, that I sincerely hope you find the answers you need to carry on and the understanding to realize you no longer need to blame yourself for anything.
Put the blame away, look yourself in the mirror from time-to-time and smile!
You are a worthwhile person! You matter to a whole lot of folks even beyond your personal world there.
Take care and may you fare well!
-
Marlena Dahlstrom
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 217
- Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 1:54 am
- Location: SF Bay Area
Bye Jennifer. We'll miss you.
I just want to say how much you've grown in a very short amount of time. I know it's painful, but I'm confident you'll be able move forward in life. Don't, repeat don't, give up on uni.
As others have said, the door is open if you ever want to return and we'll be here for you.
Darla
I just want to say how much you've grown in a very short amount of time. I know it's painful, but I'm confident you'll be able move forward in life. Don't, repeat don't, give up on uni.
As others have said, the door is open if you ever want to return and we'll be here for you.
Darla
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Cool news.
Jennifer wrote me. We did have our wires crossed, but she assured me I wasn't the reason she left. I didn't sleep too well last night, so I'm glad when I woke up I had her e-mail explaining stuff. :: wipes sweat from brow ::
I just hope she comes back and reads how much we don't want her to leave and she still reaches out to us for a shoulder to lean on.
Beauty
Jennifer wrote me. We did have our wires crossed, but she assured me I wasn't the reason she left. I didn't sleep too well last night, so I'm glad when I woke up I had her e-mail explaining stuff. :: wipes sweat from brow ::
I just hope she comes back and reads how much we don't want her to leave and she still reaches out to us for a shoulder to lean on.
Beauty
-
JenniferMu.(GG)
- Our Adopted Princess - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 10:52 pm
hi
A lots' happened since last time I posted anything on here and I hope nobody minds me coming back and saying some things, but a lot of ppl here did take time to try and help me so maybe they'd like to know the results.
Our Mum and Dad have decided to split, well for a while anyway. It wasn't Dad's idea but Mum sems to be going from bad to worse dealing with Dad's feminine side, so she's moved out and my sis has gone with her. I've had to change a lot of my plans because I couldn't go off and leave him by himself, as that just wouldn't be fair because he's been just the best father ever and I know that if I'd had an accident or something and that changed how I looked or was then he'd never leave me.
I just wish really that I'd either never found out about him or else he'd told us when I was really little, but then by how all this has effected our mother I'd say that maybe they would have split a long time ago if she'd found out earlier and we'd have missed out on all the great years we've had as a family. I think about this all the time and it really never gets any easier although a lot of ppl tell me that time heals all wounds but we'll see.
Someone from here told me that he's doing the best he can do under the circumstances and he'll always be my father no matter how he lives his life from now on and that really made me think. I've also been talking to some people from our Gender Centre here and they've helped a lot too, but where we all go from here is anybodys guess. My greatest regret now is me making the decision to come home early that saturday afternoon because we found out about him at probably the worst time in my life when my mind couldn't deal with it because there was so much going on in my life at 17, with my school load getting so big, my best friend was in turmoil with her father, I was trying to sort out my career path, I had that guy putting pressure on me to go steady and my sis was being a right proper little B at the age of 14 and a lot of other stuff besides that and it just freaked me out suddenly walking in and finding my Dad was maybe not the real Dad I'd grown up to believe, but it's getting better now even if I find it hard still to see him dressed like a woman does. I know it sounds hypocritical but if it were anyone else but my Dad it would be different, but I know other people can't understand that.
They told me at the Centre that with me and my dad it's sort of like a catch 22 situation because we're so alike that in a lot of things we conflict badly, but being so much like each other's personality we are also very close, probably closer than I ever thought and that's made me open my eyes to some things too and think about them. So they've said that we'll probably always conflict and sometimes heatedly but we'll also stay very close deep down and I guess that's being borne out atm because as much as I've thought about leaving, when I look at him I just can't run off and desert him like others have done.
Anyway thanks for the help everyone's given me and I really am working at it. Oh by the way I've been going steady for a little while now with that guy, but whether that turns out to be a good thing or not I don't know as that's making a lot of changes in my life too which I don't know if I'm ready for them yet. Boys can put a lot of pressure on and my Mum isn't the best one to be talking to about life right now and my Grans not been well so I can't load her with anything which will cause her more stress either.
Bye bye for now. Jenny
Our Mum and Dad have decided to split, well for a while anyway. It wasn't Dad's idea but Mum sems to be going from bad to worse dealing with Dad's feminine side, so she's moved out and my sis has gone with her. I've had to change a lot of my plans because I couldn't go off and leave him by himself, as that just wouldn't be fair because he's been just the best father ever and I know that if I'd had an accident or something and that changed how I looked or was then he'd never leave me.
I just wish really that I'd either never found out about him or else he'd told us when I was really little, but then by how all this has effected our mother I'd say that maybe they would have split a long time ago if she'd found out earlier and we'd have missed out on all the great years we've had as a family. I think about this all the time and it really never gets any easier although a lot of ppl tell me that time heals all wounds but we'll see.
Someone from here told me that he's doing the best he can do under the circumstances and he'll always be my father no matter how he lives his life from now on and that really made me think. I've also been talking to some people from our Gender Centre here and they've helped a lot too, but where we all go from here is anybodys guess. My greatest regret now is me making the decision to come home early that saturday afternoon because we found out about him at probably the worst time in my life when my mind couldn't deal with it because there was so much going on in my life at 17, with my school load getting so big, my best friend was in turmoil with her father, I was trying to sort out my career path, I had that guy putting pressure on me to go steady and my sis was being a right proper little B at the age of 14 and a lot of other stuff besides that and it just freaked me out suddenly walking in and finding my Dad was maybe not the real Dad I'd grown up to believe, but it's getting better now even if I find it hard still to see him dressed like a woman does. I know it sounds hypocritical but if it were anyone else but my Dad it would be different, but I know other people can't understand that.
They told me at the Centre that with me and my dad it's sort of like a catch 22 situation because we're so alike that in a lot of things we conflict badly, but being so much like each other's personality we are also very close, probably closer than I ever thought and that's made me open my eyes to some things too and think about them. So they've said that we'll probably always conflict and sometimes heatedly but we'll also stay very close deep down and I guess that's being borne out atm because as much as I've thought about leaving, when I look at him I just can't run off and desert him like others have done.
Anyway thanks for the help everyone's given me and I really am working at it. Oh by the way I've been going steady for a little while now with that guy, but whether that turns out to be a good thing or not I don't know as that's making a lot of changes in my life too which I don't know if I'm ready for them yet. Boys can put a lot of pressure on and my Mum isn't the best one to be talking to about life right now and my Grans not been well so I can't load her with anything which will cause her more stress either.
Bye bye for now. Jenny
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
Marlena Dahlstrom
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 217
- Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2005 1:54 am
- Location: SF Bay Area
Jenny, I'm glad to hear from you, although quite sad to hear how things are going, and that your Gran's not been well.
You must not blame yourself for coming home early. In all likelihood things would have come out one way or another. And your father's self-centered behavior afterwards left much to be desired, to say the least, and definitely was one source of the current troubles.
BTW, I can understand why seeing someone else crossdressed would be OK, but not your father. As you said, you discovered he wasn't the person you thought he was -- which is similar to the reaction of a number of SOs: it's not the crossdressing that bothers than as much as the fact it was kept secret from them.
I know you're devoted to your father and want to support him, but you can't put your life on hold for his sake. Don't let the guilt you're feeling keep you from moving forward with your own life. Please sit down and talk about it with him. I'm sure your father wants to have the best in life and if you need to go to uni to pursue your dreams I'm sure he would understand. All parents have to let their children leave the nest sometime. But distance doesn't mean you love him any less, nor that you can't be supportive from afar.
As far as your boyfriend, if you need someone to talk to, just remember we're here. (Afterall, we know a thing or two about boys.
)
Best of luck, and don't be a stranger.
You must not blame yourself for coming home early. In all likelihood things would have come out one way or another. And your father's self-centered behavior afterwards left much to be desired, to say the least, and definitely was one source of the current troubles.
BTW, I can understand why seeing someone else crossdressed would be OK, but not your father. As you said, you discovered he wasn't the person you thought he was -- which is similar to the reaction of a number of SOs: it's not the crossdressing that bothers than as much as the fact it was kept secret from them.
I know you're devoted to your father and want to support him, but you can't put your life on hold for his sake. Don't let the guilt you're feeling keep you from moving forward with your own life. Please sit down and talk about it with him. I'm sure your father wants to have the best in life and if you need to go to uni to pursue your dreams I'm sure he would understand. All parents have to let their children leave the nest sometime. But distance doesn't mean you love him any less, nor that you can't be supportive from afar.
As far as your boyfriend, if you need someone to talk to, just remember we're here. (Afterall, we know a thing or two about boys.
)Best of luck, and don't be a stranger.
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.