Hi all,
Got this in the mail this afternoon.
CJ
----------
Crossdressers forum
January 2006
Letter to my son.
Daniel,
When I opened your envelope in December, the neatly folded pages resembled a will. And maybe in some ways it was. After examining the heading, I read carefully the entire 14 pages. Not only are you a gifted writer, to quote Elizabeth, but I keep reminding people time and again what a gifted human being you are... compassionate, sensitive, artistic, erudite, and humorous. When people are impressed by my ramblings on archeology, economics, astronomy, boxing, philosophy, jazz, ornithology, geology, etc., I keep repeating: "That's nothing. You should meet my son, Daniel!" Some would call this affection; others, admiration. As you well know by now, fundamentally I am not a physically affectionate person, prone to hugging and kissing. Affection can express itself in many ways. More on this subject further on in the letter.
Given the content of those 14 pages, I could easily write a book but I will deliberately restrain myself and attempt to address a limited number of core issues. Should you wish to underline certain omissions, I will reply... in Chapter II, at a later date. But, first, let me begin by answering the number one unspoken question on everyone's mind: "I wonder how the man will react and respond to the letters?"
Here are some of my initial impressions:
* I felt somewhat confused, troubled, overwhelmed by the emotional weight, the number of doors being opened, accompanied by occasional heavy artillery thrown in for good measure and sprayed lightly with vitriol. That's life! But I find it refreshing and correct when cards are being laid down on the table.
* Pacing the floor, I wondered what to do, how to cope, how to decipher, what to answer, how to deal with the persistent distress displayed in your correspondence and elsewhere.
* A standard rebuttal could not be the best solution. In my case, rational rebuttals are a piece of cake. Under a seemingly soft-spoken exterior there lies a thick-skinned warrior able to tear someone's arguments to shreds with a short series of well-chosen sentences. I am aware it could easily become an escape hatch--destroy, evade, and justify!
* In keeping with the public, almost international, flavor of this exchange, I decided to answer likewise and even try to express my views in English even though I haven't spoken English since 1965, when I arrived in Montreal. Crossdressers-Forum states that friends and family are welcome.
* I was moved by the opinions and sentiments expressed by the readers. They appear warm, comforting, and couched in the realm of emotions. Emotions add flavor to life and also turbulence. During emotional episodes, whatever the reason, don't forget, you are in a canoe... standing! I would appreciate having my comments forwarded verbatim to your readers. They are entitled to some kind of response as they eagerly await the outcome of our entanglement.
----------
Leaving behind the preamble, let me set the table on the following triad:
a)
PERCEPTIONS, yours and mine.
b) The
TATTERED RELATIONSHIP.
c) Some of my
PERSONAL TRAITS.
Your list of statements, observations, and recriminations is lengthy, to put it mildly. All of them deserve attention but not in one document. I hope that those I've selected would somehow be related to the above subtitles. First, a broad statement on those titles:
PERCEPTIONS, regardless of their degree of correspondence with reality, play an important role in the lives of everyone. To a large extent, these subjective filters dominate our lives by exerting pressure on our behaviour and molding our opinions. In addition, no matter how accurate, distorted, amplified, skewed they may be, the fact remains that perceptions are "real" for each perceiver and have to be dealt with accordingly.
Obviously, our RELATIONSHIP is muddled. Nevertheless, I thought it was 75% O.K. and 25% unsatisfactory. However, when I look through your end of the telescope, to my amazement I find it's 10% O.K. and 90% unsatisfactory!!!
PERSONAL TRAITS of mine are raised many times in the form of declarations and questions. I will touch on some of them along the way.
In the following paragraphs, allow me to regroup a number of your statements for the sake of discussion:
I've tried to show you who I truly am... who this person is.
There is a forum on the internet I occasionally visit, I've told you about it, that has given me the strength and courage to become more fully who I truly am.
...but I know this will never happen until he can at least acknowledge that I am who I am.
I offered him, in this one last (almost desperate) attempt, a glimpse of who I truly am.
I'm proud of who I am, Dad, warts and all.
For most of my life, I was the person the world wanted me to be. I cannot do that anymore; the pressure to be (and to become) who I truly am is just too great.
All the foregoing quotations from your letters relate to one issue:
your perception of who you really are. I always thought that who a person really was amounted to the sum total of his interests, his beliefs, his activities, his philosophy of life, his social relationships, his career or job, his sexual activities and identification, his inherited characteristics, his achievements, his hobbies, his emotional outlook and pleasures, his community interactions! Also, basically, you are what you eat! You are what you read! You are what you discuss, integrate, and discard! In many of the above areas, I was under the impression that our relationship was appropriate and fertile.
The fact that you reduce your essence to crossdressing is somewhat mystifying, oversimplified, and overstated, wouldn't you agree? Crossdressing is only part of who you are just like golfing is only part of Tiger Woods, even though, perhaps, 40% of his time and energy may be spent in that sector. Before you dismiss the comparison as trivial at best, hear me through. In relative terms, I would venture that individuals spend 25% of their time, energy, and money on sexual matters including sexual identity preoccupations; perhaps slightly more from age 15 to 30, and less after they've reached the age of 45. Every now and then, after 45, frantic efforts are made to sustain interest and performance but, sooner or later, sexual life loses some importance and eventually dwindles down to storytelling! In the normal course of events, it will happen that other interests such as baseball, knitting, noisy discotheques, fishing, will also lose their appeal and will be replaced by something else.
If Tiger Woods and I were friends, golfing would be a popular topic, I imagine. However, I assume his basic fulfillment and relationships could include musical preferences, hobbies, religious practices, community involvement and others. If he happened to belong to a very unusual religious cult, I might discuss the content with him, only to conclude that I'm not that interested. To which he might reply: "Don't you accept me?" "Sure, I accept your membership in that group. I just don't want to hear about it anymore!"
And if my 'friend' Tiger happened to be a crossdresser? So what? And who cares? Especially if his own lifestyle is in order and it causes him no turmoil.
(Reality check) If people accept 80% of what you do, what you say, the type of person you are... count your blessings! Rarely will anyone accept you one hundred percent. Just set your priorities in order, clarify your goals and aspirations, and
just do it... without external life support!
The fact that I, personally, did not move forward a full 100% in your direction should be perceived as MY problem, MY shortcoming, not yours (a lack of flexibility and courage on my part for which I apologize). I was hoping that you would have taken that into account. With certain issues--
very few, I might add--when you're on my turf, in my vulnerability, in my insecurity, in my fragility, in my denial, I figure you could have displayed a degree of tolerance and acceptance yourself, even if it meant no toenails painted red which I perceive as a form of invasion of privacy, as you have correctly stated.
----------
----------
You are a person who shut out from your heart not just your kids but the world at large. I see this now when I look at you sitting in your living-room chair, as you gaze longingly out the window at the mountains and the lake. The world you pine for has not much room for people.
I can only suppose that, somewhere in your own past, the world you seek to flee has hurt you as well.
...nor the lonely man sitting in his living-room chair, staring out at a world he can no longer love, but rather the "you" that you've managed to hide from everyone around you that loves you...
Your description evokes visions of Archie Bunker minus the window! But, sorry, it just won't work. With regards to
the person I've managed to hide from everyone around me, on the contrary, most people around me consider me an opened book, ready to engage in all forms of activity and to share my views, hobbies, and opinions promptly and completely, at the drop of a hat! It's true, I'm rather indifferent to people who might love me or not love me, theoretically, from a distance.
Before I confess to what I see as I gaze outside, let me recall briefly the physical setting. The space you are referring to is not the living-room, which is downstairs, but the lounging area next to the dinette with a full glass wall facing west where a spectacular view of trees, lakes, fields, and mountains unfolds along the horizon for the next forty kilometers. Our old-fashioned wooden bungalow, painted dark green, sits on top of a hill, on a three-acre lot, surrounded by trees and flowers and offers an ever-changing panorama of natural beauty and stunning sunsets. It gives one the urge to fetch a camera every time! Above our treetops a few houses are visible in the streets below and, further down, Lake Magog. On the other side, a vineyard, farms, and skiers the size of mosquitoes gliding down Mount Orford, with several other mountains in the background.
To begin with,
lonely is not part of my universe and never has been, wherever I happened to be. People who know me might say... introspective, resourceful, scattered, intense, melancholy, creative, independent, but never... "lonely." "Lonely" is when you are dragging your feet and your vitality, hoping that someone might suddenly appear to fill your void, cheer you up, or contribute to your day. Frankly, with all the fulfilling activities we have, indoors and outdoors, including friends, neighbors, and surrounding towns, added to an introspective disposition, I really have no time nor space for loneliness.
The lounging area with its four comfortable swivel chairs is an ideal place to chat, sip a cup of tea, or read a book. However, there are times I'm just sitting there, looking outside, like you mentioned. What do I see? and how do I feel?
* Sometimes, I'm simply feasting on the scenery. I'm examining each tree. I know them individually and I can tell if one is in need and why. I check visually the condition of the meandering driveway. Being three hundred meters long, only part of it is visible, and I must not let it become eroded by heavy rains. Every now and then, I'll pick up the binoculars (my wife, Paulette, once asked me, "What does that man mean by 'banana killers'?) to check birds flying about or to see what's going on in the vineyard or on the outskirts of the city of Magog. Seeing the streets below, Paulette and I are grateful to have a private area where we can expand, relax, and play. I've lived on streets before. Now it's over!
* Sometimes, I'm looking outside without seeing anything. Just like a cow ruminating, dissecting previous conversations or something I read or saw on television. I ponder the meaning, the value, the pertinence of past experiences to alter my stance, add a new dimension, or change direction. When people talk, I tend to listen and store the information for further review and rehashing. Over the years, I've spoken to others often; but I've spoken to myself more often.
* Sometimes, I'm making plans or outlining projects along with measurements and drawings. Or I'm making a mental list of things I should be doing in the days ahead. I enjoy preparing projects, being fully aware that my plans will outnumber my achievements by three to one!
* Sometimes, I find myself delving into the past in pleasure or discomfort; I know people generally perceive me as a success story but I don't necessarily share their perception. I've made all kinds of mistakes, took wrong turns, neglected talents, did nothing when I should at least have made a mistake! When I add up the successes and failures, I often feel gloomy and somewhat unworthy. Every so often I feel the tide of failure rolling in and when I hear those faint footsteps of failure nearby I enter briefly a land of blatant mistakes, derailed dreams, and squandered opportunities. If the house happens to be empty, I'm glad. No one has to know I've been crying. Crying in public upsets me. At night, even with my eyes shut, I noticed tears will trickle down over the bridge of my nose and fall silently into the pillow. The quietness of tears, snowflakes, and cats never fails to amaze me. I turn the pillow over and try to sleep, confident that I will pull myself together in time to greet tomorrow's sunrise.
So much for the lonely man gazing out the window!
----------
----------
...the world you seek to flee...
The world I seek to flee is mainly the Toronto Stock Exchange and the crowded downtown areas of large cities. The constant traffic congestion, the foul air, the noise, the sleazy characters wandering about, I tend to avoid deliberately. As a matter of fact, I felt safer working inside the maximum security penitentiary in Kingston than I did roaming the streets of Detroit and Chicago, late at night, years ago. For one who shuns city life, a country environment leads to greater serenity and harmony. Anyone from the Midwest will vouch for that. Cities are continually clamoring for one's attention and money while the slower pace and convivial people in the country allow you to linger and personalize your existence. Sollicitation is reduced to a minimum. It's also an ideal place to continue dismantling one's ego.
Some people were meant to live in cities; others, on farms, in the country, on water. It's important for each to be able to identify the environment best suited to his true self, at every stage of life, in order that he may not remain forever a stranger in his own clothing.
----------
You are a person who shut out from your heart not just your kids but the world at large.
...staring out at a world he can no longer love...
Truthfully, I neither hate nor love the world at large, whatever you have in mind when using that expression. The world is replete with individuals having exquisite characters and souls, like gems and flowers you happen to meet or read about. Human beings take on all forms and attributes... naïve, sympathetic, belligerent, creative, lazy, devoted, industrious, etc.
What annoys me to some extent is not the individuals; it's the human race as a species! Why, may I ask, would someone want to love the world at large? Have you not read the papers lately? The human species has not evolved significantly in the last 50,000 years! Perhaps I should be patient. In geological terms, 50,000 years is just a wink. The environment and technology have changed dramatically but the human specimens who left the caves behind are still driven primarily by greed, mythology, insecurity, and tribal beliefs, as they stand on the brink of being overwhelmed by their own technology. In the distant future, beings doing research will refer to us as the missing link between primates and themselves. Our pride and egos prevent us from noticing and accepting our missing link status.
Some people help others step into a brighter future and that is commendable. I used to do it before I retired. Now I just try to set a decent example and spend time exploring inside and outside. As far as "the world at large" is concerned, I'm still hopeful but not optimistic, as the saying goes. There are other worlds such as literature, science, music, nature, geology, that I find more gratifying than the world of people at large.
----------
----------
CHILDHOOD YEARS
My intention in the next few pages was to attempt to sort out and respond to issues you raise about your childhood years and your emotional desert. Those were turbulent times involving many intertwined events and individuals. Unfortunately, my recollection is quite blurred and therefore not ready to print. Give me time to reflect, perhaps make a few phone calls and consult. In the meantime, let's leave it on hold.
----------
----------
THE LAST ENCOUNTER, July 2005
On page 5 0f 8, I found a list of odd statements attributed to me that kinda pissed me off! Your letters happen to be abgry letters. I can cope with anger. I can understand and sympathize with anger. However, we both know that your mastery of the English language is superior to mine. So why the lousy translation from French to English? And why the juxtapositions (the joining of two statements that were initially unrelated)!?! And the countless distortions (!?!), the amplitude of which I find unsettling. I recall your being upset at the time but I just can't let those strange statements stand alone. Detailed comments now appearing in writing will make it impossible for me to retreat. Brace yourself, though. There could be some artillery landing in your neighborhood at a time when you need it least.
I don't want you coming here with polish on your toenails; it's a form of assault.
Although your tone and choice of words are harsher than mine, I have to admit that the statement is essentially correct. Some form of explanation has been given earlier but it doesn't really alter the content.
You have an illness and, yes, I'm not comfortable with people who are sick.
Not only are both parts of the statement inaccurate, they form one of those juxtapositions! And I'm sure I never said the word 'illness' ('maladie' in French) because I don't consider crossdressing an illness. A peculiarity perhaps, a quirk, a shortcoming, a deviation from ordinary behaviour, a source of anguish, rejection, stress... you name it. It's not an illness.
Concerning "people who are sick," it's a topic we've discussed at one time or another but not in July. And with the following important clarification: it's not a matter of being uncomfortable with people who are sick; it's a question of not feeling comfortable in a hospital setting, the equipment, the pills, the staff in white uniforms, the waiting rooms, the wheelchairs, etc. A slight discomfort, not that important. In everyday life, I did also mention, on a number of occasions, that it annoyed me to see people tending to their minor ailments as if it were a rose garden and falling far too readily into the arms of the medical professions without investing in personal reinforcements on their own behalf.
That being said, it doesn't prevent me and Paulette from visiting people in hospitals and it didn't prevent me from volunteering for a five-year research program on the ageing process which entails lengthy interviews at the hospital, testing, physical exercises on location, questionnaires, keeping a written record of whatever happens to me pertaining to health. And when the counsellor calls me at home, I give her a detailed account of everything I ate the previous day. All in all, quite a task but I figure I've received a lot so I must give in return.
What you do is not normal; if you're to share that abnormality with the world at large, you must also be prepared to be a martyr for it.
I remember having discussed the concept of "normality" more than once. As you are well aware, there are two definitions:
a) The first one refers to statistical normality, that is to say, being within the average, part of the central majority. The further away you stand from the central average of whatever is being investigated, the further you are from statistical normality. You therefore become "abnormal" and part of a minority. Example: if the average height of the adult North American male is between 5'4" and 5'9", you are normal if you fall within that range. If you measure 5'11", you are slightly abnormal, being taller than the average height. However, if one is measuring basketball players only, chances are you would still be "abnormal," being too short compared to the average group.
b) The second definition of normality, often explored in medicine and psychiatry, referes to behaviour that is unwholesome, self-destructive, unhealthy, conducive to further deficiencies in the organism or personality. Medical specialists call it pathology, mild or severe. Example: self-mutilation, alcoholism, harmful habits and mechanisms such as drug abuse, leading to a deterioration of mental and physical well-being.
Returning to my analysis, I remember emphasizing that when one is part of a very small minority, your public behaviour, if the least bit controversial, can attract rejection and mistreatment by the prevailing majority. I note that in your statement you give the readers the impression that I have opted for the second definition of abnormality. Granted, the two are not mutually exclusive. However,
your choice casts me in a darker light! In our July conversation, I also remember hastening to repeat that, if crossdressing activities meet with strong public disapproval, sticks and stones almost, you have to organize your life so as not to be victimized and become a martyr unnecessarily. And just to underline that aspect, let me quote you personally:
The difference here between your being who you are and my being who I am is that there is very little in your world that prevents you from being who you are (no, not even your son's suffering) whereas I encounter obstacles everywhere I go (well, not quite everywhere, and thank God for that!). People don't laugh at you because of who you are; cops don't bring you down to the station because of who you are; drunkards don't physically assault you because of who you are; friends and family don't shun you because of who you are (although, as this very letter shows, you came perilously close to being shunned); lawmakers don't enact laws against the kind of person you are; you don't lose a job (or, at least, are not prevented from getting one) because of who you are; the world in which you live, Dad, doesn't see you as a liability.
On the specific statement under examination, I rest my case!
It's not my business to know your true self; it's your business to know it.
I find myself unable to grasp the meaning of that sentence, so I'll just move on to the next one.
Nature has made men men and women women for a good reason; you need to conform to those reasons if you want to be happy.
You must have read that somewhere in a book. Not only do I disagree with the content, I would tend to defend the opposite view vigorously! Every male has masculine and feminine characteristics and females, likewise. Furthermore, males having exclusively masculine characteristics and females having exclusively feminine traits tend to be less appealing and less diversified in their potential and their abilities. At times, however, when an individual has the traits of the opposite sex in a lopsided fashion, social and religious approval are not readily available, with some exceptions, depending mostly on personal conduct. In sexual matters, and even in the area of mild eroticism, denial, ridicule, and censorship are everywhere!
You're, in a sense, 'defective'; for your own good, you need to focus on your own defects rather than see the world around you as flawed.
Without transcripts, it's very difficult to return to past conversations, in tense moments and in another language, and pretend that one is reproducing quotes. For instance, when referring to people, I would not use the word "defect" ("défectuosité" in French). I would use the word "lacune" which has the meaning of shortcoming, impediment, burden, fault... which we all have. But why quibble about the meaning of words...normal, abnormal, defective, effective, etc.? My stance has always remained the same, in your case specifically. It's not a matter of inadequate personal
structure; it's a matter of inadequate personal
management! For example, near the end of your last inscription, you seem to be indicating that the roof is collapsing. I'm sorry to hear that and hope it will be temporary. When the roof of a building buckles, generally speaking, one can point to weak supporting walls or uneven distribution of architectural stress. The same holds true for an individual who does not differentiate clearly what is personal, what is collective, what is private, what is public. Sectors such as sexuality, financial matters, career implications, relationships, even hobbies, have to be loosely and seperately enclosed in order to avoid contamination. In the absence of compartments in one's life, when it rains, it rains everywhere, on everything!
Without partitions, an emerging difficulty in one area will flood the entire entity, resulting in dysfunction. It's called contamination in personal management. In a way, I wasn't completely surprised at your decision to bulldoze the entire relationship on account of one area of conflict between us.
When the world around us is seen as flawed, it's not without justification. In the field of sexuality among others,
we are all in denial! If you and I were to stroll through Sexuality 101, as a form of reality check we would discover that, from time immemorial, whether inside or outside organized religions, humans have always viewed eroticism and sexuality as a bittersweet blend of fear, shame, pleasure, and censorship... to this very day. Sex is a powerful ingredient, regardless of whether the activity is trivial, dramatic, standard, or off-beat.
Leaving aside the legendary fig leaves worn by Adam and Eve upon realizing their nakedness, let us move forward to the National Football League of Nov. 2005. According to rumours, the teams had been informed that cheerleaders henceforth were to dress decently and suggestive backside-wiggling would no longer be tolerated! Of course, I had to check (to see if the instructions were being followed!!!). Sure enough, the following week, cheerleaders performed the majority of their routines behind painted plywood panels and were seldom seen during the game. A situation very similar for the Canadian Grey Cup game on Nov. 20th.
Take it from me, when ordinary cheerleaders are the butt of censorship, there will be no masturbating on the street corners in the foreseeable future. As a matter of fact, there will be practically nothing going on, sexually, on street corners without social or legal harassment, except in dreary, restricted areas. Anyone moving boldly or erratically on the stage of sexuality needs to be cautious and wary. Censorship and punishment walk in their shadow. Personal management beckons. (Reality check)
----------
----------
FINAL REMARKS AND OBSERVATIONS
1. In reviewing the entire correspondence, the crucial paragraph, in my opinion, seems to be the one on
perceptions. Both of us should reread it a number of times. Anyone's attempt to capture "reality" is ladened with obstacles and very subjective interpretations. To illustrate this point, crossdressing, to me, was somewhat of a back burner issue; in your view, it seems to be a matter of life and death!
2. After all these years, we must be total strangers, still. I cannot recognize myself in 75% of your comments, negative or positive. So I keep having those flashbacks of Robert DeNiro saying, "Are you talkin' to me?"
3. Where do we go from here? I honestly don't know. And perhaps there is no need to rush until we exit from a discomfort zone. I would hope for the return to proper perspective and the friendly relations in place before the storm. Will we be compelled to adopt each other's existential tribulations as a prerequisite? Sooner or later, the clouds over our heads should be drifting away!
Over the years, I've always "preached" that one should not pursue relationships artificially with anyone who drains your battery on a regular basis. Let them fall, softly, by the wayside, whoever they are! Life is short and complex. Seek the company of those who enrich your life, providing you with energy, substance, and pleasure.
And if your battery drains easily, try to find out why. Don't rely too heavily on external affection and comforting. Everyone has his own universe to tend to and most won't be around in time of need. You must have noticed my deliberate attempts to avoid phrases such as "seek the company of those who love, hug, and understand you." As reassuring as this may sound, constant clutching for outside support and affection, once you're an adult, with the exception of a few friends, has limited value (and it's not very "zen").
In seeking foremost those who enrich your life and offer sustained energy, you promote your own inner strength and tools for life. The tools have to be in
your toolbox! As your self-esteem grows, your need to be loved, hugged, and accepted by others will likely decrease significantly.
Bearing in mind your request to abstain from "medication," my own in particular, allow me one last transgression as I conclude with a few personal observations on emotions, harmony, and affection (as promised earlier), placing you under no obligation.
4. I feel you should try to free yourself from the world of emotions. Your letters are filled with emotional connotations right up to the last paragraph. Don't rid yourself of emotions. Live emotional experiences fully and then move on. Don't sit on emotional issues, especially unpleasant ones. Arnaud Desjardins would go further: "Reduce your needs and emotions to a minimum and you will be free. In the midst of emotions, you cannot 'act'; you can only 'react' to life events."
5. With Valentine's Day on our doorstep, it's tough to have to admit that the heart is merely a muscular organ whose role is to maintain proper blood circulation and send oxygen throughout the body. The heart does not process emotions nor does it have anything to do with love. The hypothalamus and cerebral cortex do. Emotions, affection, and love, specifically, are
attitudes, synchronized in the brain, decisions that one makes or rejects, acts of the will. The constant use of the mythological term "in your heart" is probably just an oversight on your part. True enough, we are naturally attracted to certain individuals we find compatible or physically interesting. But then you end up loving the lovable! And that's too easy! It's those other characters, the world at large, as you call them, the more or less likable, that present a challenge. But when you Love (with a capital "L"), you feel akin to others, you lend a helping hand whenever possible, you respect their entity and their property and, most of all, you promote their blossoming, actively, or at least by a policy of non-interference. And by setting a good example yourself, relying on a ripple effect. It's an act of will on your part to do so whether those people are likable or not. Even Mother Teresa would side with me on that one. To some extent, it's the art of dispassionate compassion. Not indifference; just staying cool, determined, and generous. And here's the most difficult part of all...
you ask for nothing in return!
6. Follow your bliss... insofar as you do your best to stay on the road to
harmony. A coveted goal, indeed, never a total victory. Harmony doesn't imply concessions, silence, or retreat in order to avoid scuffles. It resembles a clear, beautiful note that you strike on an imaginary, endless piano, a note that says who you are, where you are, and blending in with other notes. It's a quest for harmony among the cells of your body, harmony between your body and your mind, harmony between your thoughts, your discourse, and your deeds, harmony between yourself and your environment.
And never underestimate the power of your thoughts. Vigilance is required, for the thoughts that you have accepted and stored in your mind today will try to take form tomorrow. Kathy is on target when quoting Les Brown:
The only thing that can keep you from going after your dream is the person standing in your shoes, wearing your clothes, and thinking your negative thoughts.
And Les Brown would likely add: "Repeat after me: 'I deserve the best that life has to offer and I need to be happy right now! Not when a whole bunch of conditions have been met... but right now!'"
What remains to be done is for each of us to identify the import of the word "best" and then to ask ourselves: "What have I been doing lately to deserve immediate happiness?"
I'm beginning to ramble again, so I'll just end it right here, right now.
Wishing you improved conditions in the coming months, leading to serenity and stability... and, of course,
harmony. Best regards to your colleagues, your readers on the internet, and your sympathetic co-tenant.
xxxx
your dad,
Florian
Methinks your voyage of self-discovery is well underway. I am so happy for you that it comes at the age of 44 rather than say, 61 
. Getting counseling, extending your wings, are all important decisions, and hard too at first. You've done a difficult thing, making hard decisions with respect to your dad, and believe me, I do understand the difficulty and the indecision you have felt about that step of talking or writing to family. That's maybe the hardest of all, since their the ones you have tried to please the most for the longest. I hope your dad can finally come to realize who you are and value you as the real you, and not just the facade he thought he knew and helped to construct with his occasional approval or disapproval of your behavior as you grew up. 
