Letter to my father

CJ · Post by CJ » Thu Jun 02, 2005 7:34 am

Dear Dad,

I'm having a hard time these days. I know you know that I am. Your silence is hurting me, though. You've always believed that there are some things in life we all need to learn on our own, without anyone's help. I know this. I understand this. I've done my best to at least be able to distinguish what those things are.

Don't get me wrong, Dad; I'm grateful for many of the life lessons I've learned from you. I won't list them here as I've often told you what those lessons are that have shaped my own soul in a most beautiful way. Much of the beauty in me I inherited from you. I will always be thankful for that beauty. But, more--much more--than your approval, I crave your affection.

It's hard to love what you do not know. Whenever, in the course of my life, I've tried to show you who I truly am--who this person is that you and Mom brought into the world--you turned your face away. This is something I can handle when it comes from strangers. But, with you, I'll need to practice a while yet before the pain of your emotional disregard no longer affects me. Frankly, I may never succeed in doing so. Is this my own failing? Is it yours? I don't know.

It took me years to understand (and, in this, I was helped by your wife--a mother to me as much as she is to her own child) that your being a "doctor of the soul" has little bearing on your ability to express your affection to your own children. My little brother and I, it seems, were "special cases." You worked for the betterment of children's emotional lives for more than thirty years... while the heart of your own flesh and blood withered and grew dark. There was a time in my life, a time filled with rage--against the world, against you--when I thought I would never be able to forgive you for having shut us out of your own heart. I know better now. You are a person who shut out from your heart not just your kids but the world at large. I see this now when I look at you sitting in your living-room chair as you gaze longingly out the window at the mountains and the lake. The world you pine for has not much room for people. Messy, chaotic, unpredictable, needy, "bleedy" people. No surprise, then, that your world has not much room for me. I don't know why you're like this; you've never told us. I can only suppose that, somewhere in your own past, the world you seek to flee has hurt you as well. For this reason, I cannot find it in me to condemn you for having allowed us to grow up in what I will always call an "emotional desert." Hence, I forgive. You've raised us as best you knew how, above and beyond the limits of your own personality.

I've always looked up to you. You were my wise old man sitting at the top of the mountain. Yet, the teachings you gave us from that lofty perch no longer have the power to carry me through the turmoil in my own heart and soul. I want from you that you could tell me that you love me as you take me into your arms and hold me as though my own life were no less precious and significant than yours. But that will never be. And so I mourn. Even my little brother is an adult all numb inside.

I will say to you what you cannot say to me: I love you. And when I say "you," I'm not referring to the child psychologist nor to the lonely man sitting in his living-room chair staring out at a world he can no longer love but rather the "you" that you've managed to hide from everyone around you that loves you, in pretty much the same way I've hidden my own true self from those who love me. Maybe it's come to this because I no longer want to hide my beautiful self. There is a forum on the internet I occasionally visit--I've told you about it--that has given me the strength and courage to become more fully who I am. And who I am is a beautiful person... one I sincerely hope you'll get a chance to know before you go. You need only look in my direction. I'll be here, waiting.

Happy Father's Day.

Love,
CJ

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 7:47 am

... and there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Thanks for sharing your fathers day letter with us CJ. It was beautiful.

Love

Beauty

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 7:57 am

Hi CJ,

That is a good letter,

I wish you well.

GalicianGirl(SO) · Post by **GalicianGirl(SO)** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 8:59 am

Beautiful letter CJ!!!

It brought tears to my eyes!!!:sad:

Love and Hugs,
Sharon(SO)

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 9:45 am

That's a powerful letter, CJ. I can only hope it affects your father as strongly as it did me.

Allena · Post by **Allena** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 12:25 pm

CJ,
You've shared something very special with us.
It makes me sad that you and your family have to go through these feelings, this sense of loss.
I'm encouraged by your awareness of yourself, though.
The strength you show us, here at this beautiful place, is such a powerful thing. I know that personally, you are one of the people here who inspire me to do the positive things I am doing.

I don't know if you are actually sending that letter to your father, but whether or not you do, I hope it helps you in your healing.

We cannot reclaim what was never there in the first place, but we can make peace within ourselves and hopefully establish positive relationships that start 'Today' and stay strong for the future.

I really wish I could walk over and give you a hug right now.

Take good care!

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:40 pm

Ahhhhh CJ.

From the heart, hon!!!

Love, Carolynn

Post by **Celia** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:53 pm

I hope your dad reads your letter and takes it to heart, CJ.

-Celia

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 7:33 pm

CJ,

I don't know what to say. I am absolutely flabergasted. They way you reach in and pull your feelings out is absolutely amazing. I know that I have said many times what a gifted writer you are, but you really should consider getting publisthed.

And anyone trhat can read that and not feel moved is definitely repressing thier feelings.

Great post. If you don't mind me asking? Did you actually send this to your father?

Love always,
Elizabeth

CJ · Post by CJ » Fri Jun 03, 2005 9:33 pm

Hi all,

My father is coming to Montreal on June 7th (for some kind of shareholders' meeting or other). I might be giving it to him then. Rather than typing it out anew in MS Word or something, I simply printed it out from the forum page itself (minus your gentle replies--for privacy reasons) so that he can see my face, my eyes looking into his as he reads it. On the other hand, I might just mail it to him for Father's Day. I read it to one of my (male) colleagues and I just now, a couple of hours ago, read it to my mother. They both think I'm a bit harsh even though my love for him comes through.

It's done me a world of good to write this letter (at the suggestion of my friend, Marie). I'd so much love to have an honest-to-goodness emotional (or, rather, affective) relationship with my dad but I know this will never happen until he can at least acknowledge that I am who I am. However, being who I am, I also know I will never "force" myself (or my Self) upon him. I've tried before and it doesn't work. One thing I am, though, is patient and my dad's health being what it is, chances are good he'll outlive me. But I'd rather not take that chance. I want and need to be real with him. And soon.

I want to thank all of you--even the silent ones--for being there and for being willing to listen. I feel loved.

Love,
CJ

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 5:30 pm

Oh CJ, I also am truly touched. I hope it works out well!

Yours, Anne

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Wed Jun 22, 2005 9:23 pm

CJ,
Honey, you have touched a lot of souls with that letter! It should be required reading for a lot of fathers.
May God continue to shed Her blessing on you,
Love,
Virginia

Bernice P · Post by **Bernice P** » Mon Jul 11, 2005 6:44 pm

OMG You must show him this letter you can feel not only the hurt , but the love. You had me in tears, no one could be that cold that they wouldn't the compassion and pleas for love and acceptence. Thanks for sharing CJ

Big Hugs Bernice P

Becca · Post by **Becca** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:46 pm

CJ, that was beautiful. I'm in tears. That was so deep and heartfelt.
I can tell you really meant it.
Whatever happens or has happened with your dad.
Im sure it will turn out fine.

Love ya girl,

Becca xxx

CJ · Post by CJ » Sun Jul 17, 2005 12:14 am

Hi all,

Well, I just came back from a short stay at my father's. I hadn't been there in over six months. With all the hubbub surrounding my recent move, I totally forgot about the letter (it's in my work agenda and I'm currently on vacation so I don't carry it around with me). But!

But!

But!

I did manage to drag my dad outside early last Thursday for a child-to-father conversation in which everything I felt as I wrote that letter came to the surface. We spoke for nearly two hours and he opened himself up to me in a way I've never seen before (and in a way I'll never see again, I'm sure).

Conclusion: my being a crossdresser makes him much too uncomfortable for him to believe he'll ever be able to discuss the topic with me again. I offered him, in this one last (almost desperate) attempt, a glimpse into who I truly am. But, as has been the case for my entire life, he will not look. He will not see.

And it makes me so very sad. Both for myself and for him.

According to him, my dressing up in women's clothes--oh! how easy it is to reduce a person to what they do--is part of my "private realm," not my "public" one. And it should remain that way. Well, it will. The father is thus shielded from the fruit of his own loins. It's been like that for more than forty years and it will continue to be like that.

Whatever possessed me to think it could ever be otherwise?

Love,
CJ