signs of CDing in a child
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Love (SO)
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signs of CDing in a child
Last edited by Love (SO) on Sat Feb 26, 2005 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Teilani
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Beauty
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Anonymous wrote:Love ,
I think you are doing it right.
I would wait it out , continue to be non-judgemental and supportive and let him come to you ..when and if he has any questions.
Hope I helped some,
Lefty
I agree with Lefty.
She's a smart egg like you. I think you're doing great and paying attention is very important. I have heard of fathers and sons who were CD'rs. So it's not like it's impossible, but regardless if he is a CD'r or not you're being very attentive. I think that's the important part.
Great mom award!
Beauty
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DonnaT
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My strongest advice is to go ahead and have a talk with him.
You need to know, and he needs to be honest with you. Why?
Teens can get confused and get themselves into situations they aren't prepared to handle. Especially if he lets on to a friend, any friend, GG or otherwise.
If it got out to his mates there is a possibility of bullying among other things. By talking to him, you can set limits in a safe place at home.
He needs to assured that you understand and then he can come to with any problems that come up, whether of a sexual or identity nature.
If he learns to hide it now, then when he's an adult he'll still want to hide it. That wouldn't be fair to his SO.
He may also develope a bit of self-hatred, which can lead to psycological problems, if not now, in adulthood. Some kids even turn to drugs to help themselves cope when they beleive themselves to be abnormal.
A couple is sites to look at are:
Dixie's discussion
tg-chrysalis
You need to know, and he needs to be honest with you. Why?
Teens can get confused and get themselves into situations they aren't prepared to handle. Especially if he lets on to a friend, any friend, GG or otherwise.
If it got out to his mates there is a possibility of bullying among other things. By talking to him, you can set limits in a safe place at home.
He needs to assured that you understand and then he can come to with any problems that come up, whether of a sexual or identity nature.
If he learns to hide it now, then when he's an adult he'll still want to hide it. That wouldn't be fair to his SO.
He may also develope a bit of self-hatred, which can lead to psycological problems, if not now, in adulthood. Some kids even turn to drugs to help themselves cope when they beleive themselves to be abnormal.
A couple is sites to look at are:
Dixie's discussion
tg-chrysalis
DonnaT
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Dixie Darling
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Late reply, but better late than not at all.
Love,
DonnaT gives you good advice (and I'm not just saying that because she made reference to my web site either).
As you well know by this time, if he IS a crossdresser there's not much you're going to be able to do to change that. But what's important at this point in his life is to know that you understand him and that you love and accept him just for the person he is. By letting him know that he doesn't need to feel embarrassed or guilty if he wants to talk to you about anything you can open the door for him to open up to you about his feelings. Since he's at the age where he's standing at the doorway of puberty it could very well be having an effect on him and he's enamoured with females and ANYTHING about them - including anything and everything that they wear. If this is the case then it COULD be just a 'phase' he's going through. On the other side of the fence it's possible that he could BE a CD since we're all pretty much in agreement that it's something that we're born with.
DonnaT is right about encouraging him to talk to you. If he feels that he needs to hide it from you he'll also hide other things later on that are far more a threat to his safety and health. If he is a budding crossdresser and he realizes that you're not going to poke fun at him or belittle him about it AND you provide him with a safe environment in which to dress, he's far less likely to reveal his need to others who could make life miserable for him. On top of that, since you are already well educated about the CD community, he will appreciate the fact that you can help him and introduce him to other reputable people who share his interest. You know better than anyone that it's important for a CD to understand that he's not a pervert and even more importantly that he's not alone in his desires.
Hope this has been helpful and encouraging.
Dixie http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd
DonnaT gives you good advice (and I'm not just saying that because she made reference to my web site either).
As you well know by this time, if he IS a crossdresser there's not much you're going to be able to do to change that. But what's important at this point in his life is to know that you understand him and that you love and accept him just for the person he is. By letting him know that he doesn't need to feel embarrassed or guilty if he wants to talk to you about anything you can open the door for him to open up to you about his feelings. Since he's at the age where he's standing at the doorway of puberty it could very well be having an effect on him and he's enamoured with females and ANYTHING about them - including anything and everything that they wear. If this is the case then it COULD be just a 'phase' he's going through. On the other side of the fence it's possible that he could BE a CD since we're all pretty much in agreement that it's something that we're born with.
DonnaT is right about encouraging him to talk to you. If he feels that he needs to hide it from you he'll also hide other things later on that are far more a threat to his safety and health. If he is a budding crossdresser and he realizes that you're not going to poke fun at him or belittle him about it AND you provide him with a safe environment in which to dress, he's far less likely to reveal his need to others who could make life miserable for him. On top of that, since you are already well educated about the CD community, he will appreciate the fact that you can help him and introduce him to other reputable people who share his interest. You know better than anyone that it's important for a CD to understand that he's not a pervert and even more importantly that he's not alone in his desires.
Hope this has been helpful and encouraging.
Dixie http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd
"If you're going to LOOK like a lady, then ACT like one too!"
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Ruth
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Having just read this thread, I feel the need to reply.
For those that did not read my "Beginnings" post, I was given some panties when I was about 9 years old. My Mother was understanding and told me that it was okay to wear them at home after school and on weekends. She laundered them and always placed them in the front of my drawer neatly folded. I wore panties for something like 3 years. She had even purchased new ones for me as Ioutgrew the old ones.
I lost interest in wearing panties as I got older. More guy things to do I quess. I never even thought about wearing any feminine clothing until I started going out with my second wife at age 36.
I quess what I am saying is that because I had a supportive Mother, it was never any big deal and I never had to suffer from being "caught".
For those that did not read my "Beginnings" post, I was given some panties when I was about 9 years old. My Mother was understanding and told me that it was okay to wear them at home after school and on weekends. She laundered them and always placed them in the front of my drawer neatly folded. I wore panties for something like 3 years. She had even purchased new ones for me as Ioutgrew the old ones.
I lost interest in wearing panties as I got older. More guy things to do I quess. I never even thought about wearing any feminine clothing until I started going out with my second wife at age 36.
I quess what I am saying is that because I had a supportive Mother, it was never any big deal and I never had to suffer from being "caught".
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Kyra
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We have been experiencing things in our household too. Our son (who is 11 yrs. old) spends an increasing amount of time in the bathroom. He makes excuses for taking so long. When it's time to do laundry, we find my daughter's bras stuffed in unusual places. And a large number of wash cloths as well. 
Amber and I have confronted him about this and have been met with the usual denials. We have tried to convey our sincerity to him, but he is reluctant to talk to us. Curiosity is the only answer I come up with, but I'd like to know what he's thinking. When I was caught by my mother I received a "lecture" that left me shaking. This was not the case with my son. On separate occasions Amber and I both have talked to him, not with stern or negative comments, but with honest curiosity. Still Nada.
I dunno. Maybe he just feels embarrassed.
Just my ramblings.
Hugs,
Kyra
Amber and I have confronted him about this and have been met with the usual denials. We have tried to convey our sincerity to him, but he is reluctant to talk to us. Curiosity is the only answer I come up with, but I'd like to know what he's thinking. When I was caught by my mother I received a "lecture" that left me shaking. This was not the case with my son. On separate occasions Amber and I both have talked to him, not with stern or negative comments, but with honest curiosity. Still Nada.I dunno. Maybe he just feels embarrassed.
Just my ramblings.
Hugs,Kyra
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. - Leonardo DaVinci
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CJ
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Hi all,
I remember being caught on several occasions, when I was between the ages of seven and twelve. My father always ignored this side of me but what I can't really understand today is why didn't I feel I could open up to my mother when she was brought in to (gently) confront me with this? She'd never been anything other than open, tolerant, sensitive, and loving. Why did I so much deny that wearing women's clothes was anything but a passing fancy and not some central feature of who I was (and am)? My guess is that, as kids, we're very attuned to gender-appropriate behaviour and we internalize the scorn associated with cross-gender desires; this leads to such a profound sense of shame--I'd call it a "capital shame"--that we're not even able to discuss our turmoil with our own parents.
Is there a way out of this impasse? Good question. The tricky part, I think, is how can parents elicit information from their son on his inner life without actually leading him to a specific response? You don't necessarily want to be saying, "it's okay for boys to dress like girls; here's a nice skirt for you" (especially if it turns out not to be the case that a boy has transgender tendencies). On the other hand, you do want to make it known to him that, if it is the case that he does, indeed, have such deep-rooted desires, you will never think of him the less or love him the less for them; he's more than "just" your son... he's your child, the flesh of your flesh, the blood of your blood. What he chooses to wear or how he chooses to express certain aspects of his personality won't change that.
Fact: from age five or so, chances are slim that a child's gender identity will be (or can be) modified in any way. Preaching by example, it can be a good thing to show your son that tolerance and an appreciation for human diversity (including the many aspects of non-harmful human sexuality) is the norm in your household. Until he's internalized this message (and until this message weighs more in his own soul than the shame he may possibly be feeling regarding his own gender identity), it's pretty likely he'll remain silent about who he is and what he's going through. A good idea, maybe, is to explore with him notions of gender--both conventional and unconventional--whenever the opportunity to do so arises (say, because of a program on TV or because of a movie he's seen or a schoolmate he knows or has heard of). Especially, be receptive. In other words, put your own fears and anxieties about his "turning out right" aside, at least long enough for you to be able to give him the space any person requires when they're trying to tell you something about themselves.
I know it sounds bland on my part to say these things, given the fact that I've never been a parent. But I have been (and am still) a parent's son. A son that sometimes wishes he hadn't grown up in an environment where sexuality was a taboo subject.
Still, there are no instruction manuals for being a parent. All parents fly by the seat of their pants. Hence the hand-wringing. I wish you all--Love, Lefty, and Kyra (and any other parent facing this situation)--the best of luck, and the best you have to offer of yourselves, in discovering who your child is and what his wants and needs are.
Love,
CJ
I remember being caught on several occasions, when I was between the ages of seven and twelve. My father always ignored this side of me but what I can't really understand today is why didn't I feel I could open up to my mother when she was brought in to (gently) confront me with this? She'd never been anything other than open, tolerant, sensitive, and loving. Why did I so much deny that wearing women's clothes was anything but a passing fancy and not some central feature of who I was (and am)? My guess is that, as kids, we're very attuned to gender-appropriate behaviour and we internalize the scorn associated with cross-gender desires; this leads to such a profound sense of shame--I'd call it a "capital shame"--that we're not even able to discuss our turmoil with our own parents.
Is there a way out of this impasse? Good question. The tricky part, I think, is how can parents elicit information from their son on his inner life without actually leading him to a specific response? You don't necessarily want to be saying, "it's okay for boys to dress like girls; here's a nice skirt for you" (especially if it turns out not to be the case that a boy has transgender tendencies). On the other hand, you do want to make it known to him that, if it is the case that he does, indeed, have such deep-rooted desires, you will never think of him the less or love him the less for them; he's more than "just" your son... he's your child, the flesh of your flesh, the blood of your blood. What he chooses to wear or how he chooses to express certain aspects of his personality won't change that.
Fact: from age five or so, chances are slim that a child's gender identity will be (or can be) modified in any way. Preaching by example, it can be a good thing to show your son that tolerance and an appreciation for human diversity (including the many aspects of non-harmful human sexuality) is the norm in your household. Until he's internalized this message (and until this message weighs more in his own soul than the shame he may possibly be feeling regarding his own gender identity), it's pretty likely he'll remain silent about who he is and what he's going through. A good idea, maybe, is to explore with him notions of gender--both conventional and unconventional--whenever the opportunity to do so arises (say, because of a program on TV or because of a movie he's seen or a schoolmate he knows or has heard of). Especially, be receptive. In other words, put your own fears and anxieties about his "turning out right" aside, at least long enough for you to be able to give him the space any person requires when they're trying to tell you something about themselves.
I know it sounds bland on my part to say these things, given the fact that I've never been a parent. But I have been (and am still) a parent's son. A son that sometimes wishes he hadn't grown up in an environment where sexuality was a taboo subject.
Still, there are no instruction manuals for being a parent. All parents fly by the seat of their pants. Hence the hand-wringing. I wish you all--Love, Lefty, and Kyra (and any other parent facing this situation)--the best of luck, and the best you have to offer of yourselves, in discovering who your child is and what his wants and needs are.
Love,
CJ
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Elizabeth
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Hi Love,
I am with CJ on this one. As you know, all of my children know about me. I openly dress, it's no secret. I have two younger sons ages 10 and 13. My older son 18 says he has known since he was 12, from going through my drawers. The part I agree with is that thier gender identity is already established. I knew I was transgendered by the time I was 9, even before I became a sexual person, and two years before I tried on girls underwear for the first time.
For me, having a secret seemed far worse than admitting the truth about myself, something I had no control over and did not ask for. I explained to each of my younger sons that it was very unlikely by mere virtue of being my sons, or having knowledge about my crossdressing, that they would become crossdressers. In fact, I have never heard of such a thing happening. I explained to them that there are lots of competing theories about what causes crossdressing, but that the fact that my sisters crossdressed me at ages 2-3 seems to have had a condtioning factor, as I have heard many such stories from other crossdressers. However, there are other factors. In essence, a lot of things have to happen to cause crossdressing, and they need not worry about it. But instead we could talk about it, or not talk about it as much as they desired. But that i would not act ashamed of it, and I hoped they would not also.
Going back to my favorite color analogy, try to get one of youf kids to change thier favorite color to your favorite color. They may do it for a while to please you, but it is unlikely that they would actually change thier favorite color. It has already been decided, just as thier gender, and sexual preference has already been decided, and only need to be realized.
And there you have my beleifs and opinions, for whatever they are worth.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I am with CJ on this one. As you know, all of my children know about me. I openly dress, it's no secret. I have two younger sons ages 10 and 13. My older son 18 says he has known since he was 12, from going through my drawers. The part I agree with is that thier gender identity is already established. I knew I was transgendered by the time I was 9, even before I became a sexual person, and two years before I tried on girls underwear for the first time.
For me, having a secret seemed far worse than admitting the truth about myself, something I had no control over and did not ask for. I explained to each of my younger sons that it was very unlikely by mere virtue of being my sons, or having knowledge about my crossdressing, that they would become crossdressers. In fact, I have never heard of such a thing happening. I explained to them that there are lots of competing theories about what causes crossdressing, but that the fact that my sisters crossdressed me at ages 2-3 seems to have had a condtioning factor, as I have heard many such stories from other crossdressers. However, there are other factors. In essence, a lot of things have to happen to cause crossdressing, and they need not worry about it. But instead we could talk about it, or not talk about it as much as they desired. But that i would not act ashamed of it, and I hoped they would not also.
Going back to my favorite color analogy, try to get one of youf kids to change thier favorite color to your favorite color. They may do it for a while to please you, but it is unlikely that they would actually change thier favorite color. It has already been decided, just as thier gender, and sexual preference has already been decided, and only need to be realized.
And there you have my beleifs and opinions, for whatever they are worth.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Jassmine(SO)
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Howdy Love 
You and your DH are marvelous parents I think that when he feels the time is right, if your son is a CDer, he will want to talk with you guys about it. And that is a beautiful thing
*Hugs & Love*
I have talked about many different topics (in general) with my children and they know how I feel and that everyone has differences that makes us all special, and that I love them both no-matter what ... unconditionally ...
These are the same "methods" I used while raising my daughter. So, when she told me of her bi-sexuality it came as no surprise that she would want to talk with me about itMy husband & I will just be keeping our eyes and ears open ... I will not push him though ... I want him to find his own way to be who he needs to be to be happy
You and your DH are marvelous parents
I think that when he feels the time is right, if your son is a CDer, he will want to talk with you guys about it. And that is a beautiful thing *Hugs & Love*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Ruth
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Love(SO)
I hope you didn't get the idea that my mothe rpushed me into anything.
hen I was given panties, she merely placed them in my drawer with my tightywhities and left the rest up to me. After I had worn a couple of them, she laundered them and then had the "wear them at home" talk.
She was never judgemental. She never made any coment about it not being wrong for boys to wear girls panties. This took the shame away and openned the door for discussion if and when I was ready.
For the rest of her life, I knew I could talk to her about anything and get an honest opinion.
Glad to help.
I hope you didn't get the idea that my mothe rpushed me into anything.
hen I was given panties, she merely placed them in my drawer with my tightywhities and left the rest up to me. After I had worn a couple of them, she laundered them and then had the "wear them at home" talk.
She was never judgemental. She never made any coment about it not being wrong for boys to wear girls panties. This took the shame away and openned the door for discussion if and when I was ready.
For the rest of her life, I knew I could talk to her about anything and get an honest opinion.
Glad to help.
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Kyra
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Hey Love,Hi Kyra,
That's a tuffy ...... are you sure that your daughter isn't stuffing her bra's in the bathroom (by any chance)
No I'm sure it's not my daughter's doing. Since puberty hit her with a vengeance, she has no need to stuff anything in her bra! She uses sports bras mostly, to de-emphasize. We have found her bras in his bedroom under the bed, behind the toy box, and stuffed into the farthest recesses of the bathroom cabinets. (my daughter simply lets them lay on the floor
) So we're pretty sure of who is doing what. Amber and I are not trying to make a big deal out of it. He knows that we love him and I've repeatedly let him know that he can talk to us about anything. So now we just wait and see.In regards to your original question, When you take your son shopping with you, have you asked his opinion on an article of clothing. "Do you like this color?" or "What do you think of these shoes?"
I've found this works for me on gaining insight into what my kids think.
In any case, good luck and good parenting.
Hey CJ,
Thanks for your input too. Parent or no, your insight and experience are always welcome and you genereally cause me to think more deeply than I normally would.
I want to say more, but I've got to go.
Hugs to all,
Kyra
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. - Leonardo DaVinci
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Billy Pruitt
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Love you are doing the right thing as for me I knew at an early age what I wanted and kept nothing from my mother,since not haveing a father around it was easy for me to be who I wanted to be and wear what I wanted to wear. Now he might think that his dad won't understand what he wants to do and that could keep him from saying anything and trying to keep it in a joking manner. But you are doing things right and if this is his desire then he will come to you.
billy
billy