A newbie's tale

[Emma-A]

Hi, I've just joined this forum and following on from my brief introduction I would like to share my story...

A couple of months ago, my wife and I took a holiday in the carribean. During our stay there, I somehow ended up trying on a few of her dresses and posing whilst she took pictures. She said I looked beautiful in a couple of the dresses. She said that tight-fitting dresses suit be best. If only she had realised what she was about to start, she may have said something different! She also said I was welcome to wear her clothes around the home if I wanted, so I did, and it feels nice and liberating.

Last week, a few of my friends were having a fancy dress party, so I thought this would be a great opportunity to 'go out' dressed up. I went shopping and chose a nice tight-fitting blue dress, a long-sleeved vest to hide my hairy arms and a pair of black suede platforms. I diligently waxed my chest and hands a couple of days before. On the day I shaved and moisturised my legs and face, carefully stowed my 'bits' away.

I then fitted one of my wife's wigs (she's a black african) and carefully organised it. My wife was amazed and said I looked really sexy. I asked her to help me with some makeup and nails, but she reckoned I would look better without.

So next come's getting out of the house. I was a bit nervous that the neighbours might clock me - but it was dark so wifey and I just made a quick dash for the car and drove there. My wife couldn't understand how I was able to drive so well in the platforms - she always has to take off any heeled shoes...

We were among the first to arrive, of about 9 people in total. As people arrived, the men just laughed and joked, but the reaction of the ladies really took me by suprise.

The first said she was amazed by how good I looked and found me attractive in some perverse way. The next said she wishes she had legs like mine. The third (and perhaps the one we see most) didn't even notice me until I spoke to her, at which point she jumped and nearly hit her head on the ceiling - she said she thought I was just another woman that she hadn't met before!

We had a great evening, lots of posing for the camera and positive comments. Some of the party games were interesting in a dress as they involved awkward positions! By the end of the evening I had picked up many more feminine mannerisms, including flicking my hair when it dropped over my face too much. I was actually a bit disturbed that these things came so naturally to me!

So here endeth the first story. I'm not sure about my wife now - she seemed less keen when I suggested she helps make me up a bit better and we go out again another evening. I think she was only comfortable with it this time because it was a fancy dress party. But we'll talk about it and see what happens.

I'm looking forward to reading the other stories in this forum and getting to know other people around here.

with love
Emma

[Karin]

Heehee, that's a great way to start Emma

It's funny isn't it? How we all 'somehow' manage to end up in a femme mode hahaha. In the end it doesn't really matter how it starts, just that it starts.

It's the same here driving in heels, I actually find it easy and the wife can't understand how cos she can't In fact I actually find my favourite heels more comfy than a lot of flats

Anyway, good for you and keep having fun. Im looking forward to reading more of your story as it unfolds

[Latanya]

great story! emma
be careful so easy get hooked!

[Emma-A]

Thanks for the great welcoming! I feel comfortable here already.

great story! emma
be careful so easy get hooked!

Yea, I think that's why my wife was worried when it became obvious that going out as a woman wasn't going to be a one-off for me! I have a tendancy to immerse myself fully in anything that I like doing, she worries that one day I might decide to go for the op! At the moment, I have no intention of doing that, but I would like to look passable, and if possible feminize my body a little whilst still remaining a man where it matters!

luv
Em

[Emma-A]

By the way, this is the dress I wore (size=small). It felt so nice. I have slightly girly hips and bum, which is why it looked ok on me I think. I'm not confident enough to post a photo yet, but I will one day...

http://www.hm.com/gb/product/05930?article=05930-A

luv
Em

[Latanya]

cute dress
and what tight did u wear and what heels?
any jewelry?a nd what bag?

[Anthony Simon]

I think you need to be careful. It is a wonderful story and it's clear that you're euphoric as a result. The trouble is your euphoria is going to be quite a odds with your wife, who appears to be back-peddling. And this is not something you can afford to ignore - which if you're euphoric is not going to be the easiest thing in the world.

The way you write it sounds like dressing up as a woman has released some important part of you. While that's wonderful for you, it may be quite disturbing (or worse) for your wife. IMHO You need to slow down (if you can).

[Emma-A]

Yes, I'm well aware of that. I've got no problem slowing down for the sake of my wife, I know that she won't want me to stop completely but I do need to take it steady and talk about it with her.

thanks
Em

[Emma-A]

Actually Anthony, you are right. Perhaps this is something I need to just 'put back in the closet' and get back to reality. I've never been the most emotionally stable person, perhaps this is just another symptom of that. I'm very confused at the moment.

[Anthony Simon]

Emma, I doubt that you can get it "back in the closet". From what you've said, probably, it's a permanent part of you. What you need to do, however (and IMHO), is to get yourself onto some sort of solid ground. It's not so much the problem's between the "fantasy" of dressing up as a woman and the "reality" of being a man - rather the problem is the cloud 9 euphoria ("the pink fog") that can accompany being dressed up.

[DonnaT]

Hi Emma, as Anthony said, you may not be able to put it back in the closet.

Although you started later in life than a number of us do, if you are inclined to crossdress then all it takes is a some trigger to get things rolling. For some, it may be pantyhose, or panties, or heels. For me it was a blouse and skirt when I was 10.

But once the trigger is fired it becomes hard to stop. You've had your wife, as well as others, tell you how pretty you are, which increased your euphoria. Hard to deny those feelings once one has experienced them.

So, take things slowly with your wife. You might even ask her to join this forum, as she might need someone to talk to as well.

[Emma-A]

I've been rather silent for the last day or so because I've been a bit screwed up inside. Anthony's comments brought me back down to reality rather sharply (which to be fair to Anthony is exactly what I needed!).

Unfortunately my wife is very private, she wouldn't discuss personal matters on a forum, or indeed with anyone except her closest family and friends. It's up to me to support her mostly. I like that about her, because I can trust her not to let our personal issues into the open, but on the other hand there's no harm in talking to people in a forum where one can remain almost anonymous if they choose, or a professional counsellor. Especially when I'm dealing with my own issues inside and perhaps can't give her all the support she needs.

I'm going to remain in my masculine attire for a couple of weeks to give the wife a break, and then take it slowly like you wise ladies have advised.

Going back to the original topic, as Donna said, I have started this somewhat later in life than would be ideal. But that sadly is the story of my life- I've been late doing almost everything, I didn't even have my first girlfriend until I was 24! I had a lot of difficulty growing up, I was sidelined throughout most of my school years, labeled as a wierdo and bullied by many people but especially the girls. Nowadays, I would probably have been labelled with some sort of 'syndrome' but as far a I'm concerned I was just a little different. After all, I survived and grew up into a decent career and married, and have a small number of very good friends.Throughout my late teens and twenties most of my friends were older men with similar interests to me (motorcycling, model car racing etc).

School issues aside, right up to my early 20's many people would comment on how I looked just like my mother. During my teens, I hated the way my body was changing, especially the hair growth. I hated the way all that ugly hair was hiding my silky soft, glowing skin. I often wished I could have been born as a girl. But it never occurred to me that I could 'change'. I guess if I was growing up now, in the information age, things might have turned out different. I don

I've always been very emotional and sensitive, fairly feminine traits I suppose. During my late teens and early to mid 20's I suffered with severe depression. Its not so bad now, but I still have to take medication daily to keep it under control. In my late 20's I learnt to accept and love the person that I am, but still sometimes get told to 'be a man' especially by my wife when I'm being over-emotional and irrational. That tends to knock me back a little.

Like Donna said, maybe this aspect of me has always been there, but it took a particular trigger (in this case a nice dress) to make me realise it. When I dressed up as Emma for the first time, I felt so free, like a prisoner being allowed to walk. But at the same time I love the life that I've already built for my myself, and I love my wife with all my heart. I also know that if I break that life, I will also break my wonderful wife, and probably even Emma.

So in summary, Emma is a part of me that I'm so glad to have discovered, but Emma can never replace the person who's occupied this body for the last 32 years - she will have to share it. I hope I'm making sense, I'm trying not to cry as I write this.

luv,
Emma

[Leeza]

You make perfect sense

[Anthony Simon]

I've been rather silent for the last day or so because I've been a bit screwed up inside. Anthony's comments brought me back down to reality rather sharply (which to be fair to Anthony is exactly what I needed!).

Yeah...At least I didn't hit you harder.

Unfortunately my wife is very private, she wouldn't discuss personal matters on a forum, or indeed with anyone except her closest family and friends.

Which would be many people's approach.

It's up to me to support her mostly. I like that about her, because I can trust her not to let our personal issues into the open, but on the other hand there's no harm in talking to people in a forum where one can remain almost anonymous if they choose, or a professional counsellor.

Well, it can feel like you're airing your dirty laundry in public, if you talk on the internet. And, if you go to a counsellor, there are problems of pride and self-image quite often. Like people can take it as personal defeat not to be able to deal with problems as they would normally.

Especially when I'm dealing with my own issues inside and perhaps can't give her all the support she needs.

You're saying that your discoveries about your CDing are proving disturbing enough that you're having trouble supporting your wife as you would under normal circumstances. Can I suggest that instead of her looking for the support elsewhere (which would tend to distance you from each other), you look for support elsewhere? In theory (or in my experience) that would free up resources within you that you could then devote to your wife.

I'm going to remain in my masculine attire for a couple of weeks to give the wife a break, and then take it slowly like you wise ladies have advised.

Sounds about right.

Going back to the original topic, as Donna said, I have started this somewhat later in life than would be ideal. But that sadly is the story of my life- I've been late doing almost everything, I didn't even have my first girlfriend until I was 24! I had a lot of difficulty growing up, I was sidelined throughout most of my school years, labeled as a wierdo and bullied by many people but especially the girls. Nowadays, I would probably have been labelled with some sort of 'syndrome' but as far a I'm concerned I was just a little different. After all, I survived and grew up into a decent career and married, and have a small number of very good friends.Throughout my late teens and twenties most of my friends were older men with similar interests to me (motorcycling, model car racing etc).

School issues aside, right up to my early 20's many people would comment on how I looked just like my mother. During my teens, I hated the way my body was changing, especially the hair growth. I hated the way all that ugly hair was hiding my silky soft, glowing skin. I often wished I could have been born as a girl. But it never occurred to me that I could 'change'. I guess if I was growing up now, in the information age, things might have turned out different. I don

I've always been very emotional and sensitive, fairly feminine traits I suppose. During my late teens and early to mid 20's I suffered with severe depression. Its not so bad now, but I still have to take medication daily to keep it under control. In my late 20's I learnt to accept and love the person that I am, but still sometimes get told to 'be a man' especially by my wife when I'm being over-emotional and irrational. That tends to knock me back a little.

This is kind of mega-post territory, where you put something close to your entire life online for people to read. I can only deduce that what happened to yu over the weekend has made you rethink what happened to you in the rest of your life - and try and fit it together. So, in that way, I can see what you mean about having to deal with your own issues. But, because, as I read it, you entire life is up for reevaluation that too leads me to think that seeing someone professional would be a a good idea. I know, just a few months ago, I felt my CDing was taking on a much more serious aspect - and that really I needed to see someone professional to check that I wasn't doing anything dumb. I did see my analyst, who I hadn't seen for 2 years - and that did the job.

I also confess to feeling that to try and help you resolve these issues without some other, professional, agency would be to bite off more than I personally can chew. Which is my fundamental response to your post.

Like Donna said, maybe this aspect of me has always been there, but it took a particular trigger (in this case a nice dress) to make me realise it. When I dressed up as Emma for the first time, I felt so free, like a prisoner being allowed to walk.

This makes perfect sense (to me) in the light of what you wrote above. There's a lot of indicators there of a repressed female side which you finally were able to articulate.

But at the same time I love the life that I've already built for my myself, and I love my wife with all my heart. I also know that if I break that life, I will also break my wonderful wife, and probably even Emma.

So in summary, Emma is a part of me that I'm so glad to have discovered, but Emma can never replace the person who's occupied this body for the last 32 years - she will have to share it. I hope I'm making sense, I'm trying not to cry as I write this.

luv,
Emma

All I can do is reiterate to go slow, try not to let the intoxication of it overwhelm you...and keep going.