Liz's beginnings

[Elizabeth_Pouter]

My adventure actually started as a boyish curiosity at around age 10. My neighbor dared me to try on his sister's dress, since he was wearing one, the goal was to annoy his older sister, not fall in love with wearing girl's clothing. That is what it did to me though. Within a few short months, I had convinced my mother to dress me up. Everything but the dress was my mom's. I remember the odd looks I got from my dad, and my mom swearing to never do it again but I was hooked. I loved and still do every aspect of wearing women's clothing. Amazing to me that was back in 1971.

In High School, my wardrobe increased, then got purged as I got serious about a relationship. Wardrobe increased again, and I told my fiance my secret, she was supportive and we married, that was 29 years ago. I would like to say she stayed supportive, but she didn't. In my marriage I have purged my wardrobe two more times, only to have it come back with a vengeance it seemed.

When I moved from CA to CO three years ago, I told myself that I am not going to be ashamed of this part of my life anymore. I respect my wife, I do not go out enfemme, though I think it would be an amazing experience and she still doesn't like this part of my life, so I am not always sure how things are going to work out.

That is about a brief a synopsis as I can make, I have my journals of many years writing about the ups and downs of this, meaning I have a couple books worth of material... :-)

[ArleneMcCarthy]

Lovely posting and avatar. Thank you for sharing.

[Anthony Simon]

From this and your introductory post, I get the sense of someone of a quiet certainty - of someone who's secure in her sense of herself. I guess that's what all the years of writing and thinking about yourself will do.

But, in your intro post, you said you were looking for connection. So maybe, having become secure in yourself, you're ready to go further.

[Ginny Jones]

Hey Liz! Thanks for sharing your story with us!

Balancing this part of yourself with the compromises that are part of all relationships is tough isn't it! From your writing though, I'm getting a sense of you feeling less and less guilty about this aspect of yourself and it leaves me wondering whether ... this is gradually becoming more of your wifes problem than your own?

It's a pleasure to meet you however you want to construe it! Hope to see you in chat sometime!

Hugs Ginny xxx

[Elizabeth_Pouter]

I appreciate the replies. I have never posted a picture anywhere before and I have never sought out the fellowship of other crossdressers, though I have considered it. I have carried a lot of shame about it for years, but I really have said to myself and my wife, no more shame. I will not feel bad that I like wearing clothes. But this has become more a problem for my wife then it is for me, that's was an interesting observation. Literally right before I posted in this section of the forums, my wife declared what I do to be something it isn't, and how much it hurts her. She has strong feelings about this part of my life as do I, but our feelings are not in agreement. She would like it to go away, I would like to go public.

This posting though doesn't take into account all the history we have together. It just is a snapshot of what is happening at the moment. We have made something of a compromise and I continue to look for ways to make this healthy in our relationship. I am sorry that I have done a lot of postings yet but i am strolling into this connection and not rushing forward for no other reason then, normally I rush..... :-)

So far everyone on these forums have been supportive. It is a nice feeling to talk about this part of life.

[Rikki]

Liz,
Keep on talking! To us and your wife. Good luck with your progress.

All the best,
Rikki

[Carly]

You are not alone in the lack of spousal acceptance. Plenty of us out there. Good luck and try to get a compromise.

[Robin H]

You are not alone here honey, my wife tries to be supportive yet struggles with it as well, you have to take baby steps and try not to overwhelm here with what you need I know its hard and it seems like it takes forever to get what you need but hopefully the two of you will get there


Robin H

[Paula G]

At least you were honest and told your wife before you got married, so it wasn't a surprise. It must be very difficult for a wife to embrace this aspect of our lives, my wife told me that she felt as if I had been having an affair, only that I was the other woman as well. It can also undermine the masculine role that we need to play within the relationship and the family, it is one thing to accept and support a man cross dressing, it is quite another to accept and support your man cross dressing.

It may not feel like it at the moment but it is good that your wife knows allows and accepts at least t an extent, keep talking and maybe you will both come to understand better. I would love to be able to even talk about this side of my life with my wife, she accepts but will not support and would not allow if it were possible.

[Margaret_PouterSO]

Below is my response to the above postings.

Liz did not really tell me before we got married. Liz said that she wore women's clothes sometimes and had a wardrobe. Then asked me if I wanted her to keep them or not. Seeing no need to keep them, I said to go ahead and get rid of them. I had no clue what Liz was talking about. At a later date, when I was pregnant, I accidentally discovered all of this. I was so shocked that I thought I was going to lose the baby. I cannot tell you how many times I have discovered things that weren't supposed to be there. Yes there were times that I said get rid of it, only because trust had been violated.

The hard part about accepting all of this is that Liz has never been entirely upfront with me on this subject. Liz is always hiding something. Even when I've asked to share this, things are still being hidden. I value respect and honesty. While we are now trying to fix this, he is still hiding some things. If he wants me to accept this part of his life, he needs to be completely honest. I have at times felt like it's his mistress and he admittedly said at times it has been. That is a very deep hurt for me. When he hides things, how am I not supposed to think that she is back as his mistress? In my opinion, if you all want your spouses to participate, you need to be completely honest and not pick and choose what you tell. Robin said it right, take baby steps. Liz has shared a great deal with me in the past two weeks that has never before been shared. It helps me to understand what goes on in his brain. At the same time, I know he's still hiding things from me and that needs to change.

I love my husband with all my heart and I want him to be happy. Hiding this is not good because marriages are built on trust. I told him that I will not ask him to get rid of this, that is his choice. But I have asked him to be open and honest with me about it. We are trying to get past the part where he feels he has to "report" to me. I do not ask him to tell me what he looks at or does everyday, but I have asked him to tell me what he's looked at or done when I ask, which is anywhere from twice a month to every other month. He asks why I need to know. I told him that it's to help build trust in our marriage. In two weeks, we will have been married for 30 years. I've hung in with him through all these years and will continue to do so.

I hope that this helps to give insight to what your wives might be thinking. I realize this is my perspective and might not be theirs.

Margaret

[Carol Ann]

You know I wish my wife of 49 years would join this forum as She could be of great help to a lot of women. Now the biggest difference with us is she know very well before we got married as mother told her about her daughter and for what it is worth she was never upset and at first it was all play and games and going out together and in short just enjoying ourselfs.

Now after all these years she knows there are now two women in the house no problem as we always work out a problem together Keep the faith dear and just don't push so hard but help him if you are willing.

Hugs and love Carol Ann

[Vanesa M]

Welcome to the site Margaret, and thank you for an excellent post. After reading it I went straight to my wife and asked her if she trusted me, and reassured her she can always feel free to ask me anything. We have just passed 20 years of being married, she has known about Vanesa for more than half of that. She says she doesn't mind, but I always have a nagging fear about how she feels. With us it is like I am more forthcoming than she is inquiring.

With open, honest and respectful communication, I am sure things will work out.

I wish you both the best

Vanesa

[Gina]

What to say other than I came out honestly and completely to my wife. We had counseling and she gained knowledge. For a while she was fairly supportive. With time the support eroded, I went back into the closet and hiding and the transparency ended. Basically it takes two to trust. I figured out my wife just can't stand to see her otherwise fairly masculine husband in any other format. She was exclusivity on femm energy in the household.

Good luck I wish you the best with communication and a relationship.

Remember this: no crossdresser asks for the experience, it is pretty much how we are wired.

[Margaret_PouterSO]

Gina,

There may be valid reasons as to why your wife is uncomfortable. You are correct, it does take two to trust. My husband and I attempted to clarify what crossdressing was all about and how that affected our relationship many times over the years, and for most of those years I was unable to explain in a manner he understood as to why it made me uncomfortable. It is only recently that he is coming to understand my perspective and that is mostly because he is truly listening to me and hearing what I am saying to him and not making up in his mind what he thinks are my reasons. Also, for the most part, neither he or I are getting on the defensive and as a result we are able to get much further in our discussions. We have reached a new level/depth of communication that is really helping us to understand each other. I have to credit him greatly for his efforts toward better communication and rebuilding our relationship. He has stepped out of his comfort zone to do this and I think our success is a result of the risk he has taken. I believe that honest communication, including admitting when each of us might be wrong or feel shame about something, is critical to making the relationship successful.

I do understand it is how you are wired, it is how my husband is wired. We are all wired/predisposed with something that can bring conflict in our lives. Liz and I are trying to bring a balance to this as there are times when things are over the top and detrimental to the relationship. No matter what we are wired with, we have a responsibility to do what is right. Some of those "wired" things create much stimulation and pleasure, which is fine when handled responsibly. When our particular predisposition starts to hurt others, it is time to examine if what we are doing is too much. We should ask ourselves, is getting more and more stimulation and pleasure worth more to us than the relationship we are in.

Gina, thank you so much for responding. I hope that things will improve between you and your wife in the years ahead.

Margaret

[Satara]

To Gina and Margaret ... I've just read the tail end of y'all's conversation ... All I gotta say is SO SO TRUE!!