I am a 46 YO male whos been bi-sexual from the start, but tried to just ignore it and hoped it would go away. I came to grips with it in my early thirties but hated it because it complicated my life. Why coudnt I just be fricking normal? Around that time I tried on my first skirt and loved it, but felt I could not "go there". I put that on "ignore" HAHAHAHA After a few more failed relationships with women, where by things just "didnt seem to work out" I began to dress in womens tops and shorts. I liked doing this. I can pull this off very easily because of my body type. Womans XL fits very well. I am 5'4 and just sort of look like a girl anyway...Except I dont have boobs
!!!!!!I never tried to "pass" but on occasion get called miss or maam esp with my hair shorter. A few years ago I got both ears pierced which I love wearing my diamond studs, or on occasion, hoop earrings. I would like to do my nails and other make up, but I feel I cant for personal safety. I am probably pushing my luck wearing the stuff that I do wear. One of the woman I used to date, and the only one I ever told "all" to chastised me for wearing short denim shorts and a pink tanktop a few weeks ago. She said what do you want to get killed...but I loved it. shes right though. But I still love it. I felt sexy in a way I NEVER do otherwise. I usually wear more conservative dress, like longer shorts, capris, and plain tops in mild colors...Boo. I do own a few dresses, one of which I bought in Dress Barn, where the counter girl offered me a frequent shopper card. And I accepted it HAHAHAHAHA. I was nervous. Im sure she knew. I only wear them at home. I shop at walmart for tops and shorts. I would love to wear really femmy stuff, but although I have the proportions of a female, and this is the weird part, because I really do. (I make a lousy boy) I still have man hands and nails, and certain facial features that I feel would keep me from passing well unless I used a lot of makeup. Or something. Maybe if I did get my facial hair removed, which I would love to do.I have always felt like I have been a mix of male and female. Or maybe even mostly female. For a while it was like, if one actually WAS female, but just got to have a male body. (That was great for a while...!) But as I got older, it seemed like the female side was becoming more assertive. For a while I wondered if I could just somehow get rid of her, but SHE was part of ME and I needed her. Together we confound anyone who happens to meet us. I can do some boy things, but cant back a trailer up to save my life, or park very well. I am great with color, design, and even make my living in that field.
I have contemplated SRS but am not totally thrilled with the idea. I am not rabidly transgendered. People who are usually dont wait until they are over forty. Dressing girly does not give me much of a sexual thrill, if at all. It just feels nice somewhere inside. IF I had enough money to actually have all the work done I would need to not only "pass" but actually look beautiful, I probably would take a much much closer look at the subject. I want to be pretty. I want to be cute. All the women Ive been attracted to have been, and I realized that actually, I wanted to BE them. Not just have some fun times with them. This sort of complicates my relationship with other males as well. When Im with a male in that way, I go into full girl mode. Many outright gay men dont find that very appealing. For my own self, I do find such girlyboys attractive, along with others.
The stress that dealing with this part of me, now, at this point in my life, has been affecting my mental wellbeing. I am not sure how I will handle this situation. Maybe ultimately being a non- SRS gurl on occasion, or full time, or moving to a place were I wont put my physical safety at risk by wearing a dress in public without being able to pass. Moving away from my family, or only visiting them while in "boy mode" is another option.
I have considered taking female hormones to see how they affect my mental state. There are some herbals available OTC but the web at large has mixed opinions about them. Ofcourse I would like to have some breasts but not huge or even big ones. I have *some* as it is actually. and a hairy chest -dies- BWahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
A
"Default" to "Oh"_You're_Gay", and I 
"Illness _Is_Like_This"