'Newbie here' Do I need to see a counsellor?

[Nirali]

Hi friends, I need to let some internal pain out and share some of this with you. Really am hoping for an honest response and really appreciate your reply;

Being a part time crossdresser is fun, but to me it feels more like a double edged sword. I understand that some of us including me do this for fun and some others crossdress for their lifestyle. Well I live alone up north in England and started crossdressing at 12 then had a break for about 15 years, to include school, college, undergrad and postgrad so I never really had the opportunity but always had fantasies about crossdressing. But unlike some, my fantasy has been to dress head to toe and meet/ date/ go out with guys (non- crossdressers). To make this even worse, I fantasied about what I would specifically wear for hours and procrastinate over my work.

Initially I thought this was nothing but a fantasy and quite 'stupid' and 'crazy' and should focus on my career. Unfortunately, this procrastination has been affecting my performance at work which is concerning me.

Well the truth is I have spent a lot of money the last few months (since I started work) to feminise myself and spent hours on YouTube to learn the art of applying makeup. Unfortunately for me it doesn't stop there, I just cannot stop thoughts of how I would love to end up with any guy to make my dream come through. The worrying thing is firstly, why a guy eventhough I am dressed as a girl? Secondly why any guy (my human nature is not to act like and be degraded).

This fantasy feels like its about to explode and I must let it out and have my dream come through.

Please can you advice me, do I need to see a counsellor or psychologist to deal with this problem? This can't be normal, right?

I need to stop this the right way !

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Nirali, and welcome to the forum!

You should wander over to the New Members section and let the members give you a proper welcome.



- SL

[Anthony Simon]

That you have the fantasies is not the same as acting on them. It is plain that you're going to have to expand, let's say, the zone of your crossdressing.

The trouble is what you've said, while it is poignant and does convey some aspects of your problem, doesn't (at least to me) provide the necessary information for a solution.

Just over a year ago I felt I was losing control over my CDing and it was getting, potentially, self-destructive. So I went back and saw my analyst. That really helped me. So your idea of going to see a see a counsellor seems entirely appropriate.

Because you've got so much bottled up inside you, it just feels to me that you need a safe, professional space to help you work out what to do next.

The sexual fantasies might mean a number of things. My basic feeling is you need to get some mental space in your life to work them out. A professional should, hopefully, be able to give you that.

[Nirali]

Thanks for your response Anthony. What do you exactly mean by expanding my zone of crossdressing?

If I told you I never had a gf in the past and was never keen on getting one will this explain my problem? I am not attracted to guys except when I am dressed.

Thanks again



*** Post edited to remove redundant quote, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Miss Jo]

Hi Nirali welcome to the forum. Would you be comfortable talking to a counsellor? If you would I guess there is no harm in giving it a try. I would do certain things when im dressed up what I wouldn't dream of when im not. I put it down to wanting to feel more feminine. Don't worry about being normal (whatever normal is) worry about being happy. Alot of people will have the same or similar fantasies but not everyone will admit to it x

[Anthony Simon]

If I told you I never had a gf in the past and was never keen on getting one will this explain my problem? I am not attracted to guys except when I am dressed.

Well, it suggests a lot of why you're exploding with sexual desire. I mean, as a guy, you don't have any sexual desires. Like not for women (if you're not interested in having a gf), and not with men. Either you're a celibate sort of person, who's just not interested in sex, or you've repressed whatever desires you've got. That you feel like you're going to explode suggests repression - as does your fantasy of going with any man.

The thing of not being attracted to guys except when dressed up does happen to quite a few CDs. I have a variant of that. But I also am attracted to women as a guy, which gives me a conflict. That you're not may make life simpler for you.

The trouble is you've such a high-octane set-up it makes me deeply uneasy to give you definitive advice. You really ought to be seeing a professional, IMO.

Also...It would be nice if other people got the chance to say hello to you (i.e what happens in the New Members bit of the forum).



*** Post edited to remove redundant quotes, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Karin]

Hi Nirali,

You say this has got to stop. Can I ask why? Are you afraid, and if so what of? (No need to answer that out loud - just to yourself will do)

The truth is that there are no 'one size fits all' answers. Try as you will, you wont find them. We are all different in our needs and wants - and that's a wonderful thing.

You tried to bury it and managed for a long time..then what? As soon as you're with an income and have space...its back, and its a little stronger. For many it doesn't ever go away because its who we are. I buried it for about the same length of time myself. In the end it sprung back with such force that I'm now fully transitioning! Others find a way to balance things so that its just a part of them. Until you find out what you want from life, I think you'll feel pretty confused. It takes many leaps of faith to check every avenue for sure.

Why do you like guys when you're dressed? Maybe its for validation perhaps? (totally femme in every way!). Maybe its something more and just feels a bit awkward at the moment.

But I ask this. Does it matter? Nope, It doesn't. Think about it! Its nobodies business unless you wish it to be. We are who we are - and there's nothing wrong with it.Nothing to apologise for. Let yourself shine and don't beat yourself up!

FTR.. I just changed my name and outed myself to a 1000 strong workforce. Not a single bad vibe and people have said to me...does it matter?

[DonnaT]

The fantasies in and of themselves are not a problem, however, anytime one's personal and professional life is negatively affected by one's fantasies, they need to seek professional help.

Of course, you could always go out and meet someone, but in your apparent state of frustration, you run the risk of making a bad choice, which could lead to violence.

You may want to find some CD friends that know the lay of the land, so they can offer advice regarding safe places to go, etc. There are some UK based forums that might be able to help with that.

http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://rosesforum.tv/forums/index.php" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Other links: http://www.repartee.tv/Links.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Anthony Simon]

I'm adding this reluctantly, but...

In terms of sexual orientation, Nirali, there are two possibilities (or anyway two I can think of).

1) You could be gay
2) You could be some version of transgender (loads of variants up to full transsexual)

By 2) I mean, when you're dressed as a woman, you identify as a woman so that, if you were to have sex like that it would be as a woman having sex with a man.

It's important which it is - and, honestly, that's one of the big reasons I think you should someone professional - in order to find out just where you're coming from in this.

If you were straightforwardly gay, you would be attracted to men per se (i.e the clothes wouldn't come into it).

[Carol Esme]

Nirali, We really are all individuals with different experiences and desires but if you read widely on this forum you'll find lots of stories that resonate. Some people crossdress because they like the look and feel of feminine clothes, make-up etc but never have thoughts of going beyond that. Some know from their first memories that they should have been born a girl and are desperate to correct that as quickly as possible. A third group, and I include myself, start crossdressing and slowly or quickly begin to admit to themselves that there are deeper feminine feelings as well. It isn't always practical to follow those desires. I put off action for 50 yrs but now I'm doing something about it. You need to work out which group you are in and what you can do about it. I struggled on my own for most of my life, started getting help from sites like this about 18mths ago and started seeing a counsellor 10 mths ago. Both the sites and the counsellor have helped clarify my thinking and I wish I'd sought help much earlier. But only you can decide what is right for you at this stage in your life. Good luck.

[Jane D]

My observation is the real issue is that you feel you are headed for a meltdown, which can be very destructive for you. If you cannot mentally work this out by yourself, you should see someone before you impact your social and work lives. Those are very hard to repair if you have built up a network and a career. Better to take a sick day, a personal day, or beg off social engagements and work though things with or w/o professional help.

I don't think categorizing yourself as this type or that type is terribly important at this point. That will come, and of course as others point out can change over time.

Don't be self-criticizing; acknowledge to yourself that you have more than one facet; carve out dedicated time for work, social, and other duties(people need these things as a rudder), plus carve out time for you to explore your gender and orientation.

[Martine Amance]

No, no really. What you do need is someone to talk to and with. The talking to part is where someone is willing to actively listen to what you have to say with out offering advice. The talking with part is where you exchange your views with those of another. At the moment you appear to be young and confused and alone. This combination is not the best.

You like cross dressing, you find it turns on a part of you that is feminine. This is understandable since one of life's basic tenets is that we are capable of feeling emotion on different levels and in different ways, some of which we observe in our mothers, daughters, and other women we see.

On the other hand you experience some desire for other men when dressed as a woman. I don't see a problem with that. In fact, it is rather normal. It has often be said that women dress for other women. The meaning extends to being judged by them at to attractiveness, sense of style, and desirability. And that desirability can be sexual. We men have been taught to never appreciate the bodies of other men in any way. Yet why do we often look at other men when they are partially or fully unclothed? Do we not appreciate the large biceps or chest? Do we not find the statue of Adonis pleasing? You see, as males, we have been taught to be confused about our own bodies and those of other men.

So it is time to think about what values you find important. Normal is what 68% of the other men and women define it to be. That leaves a lot of room to be you, define your own standard. That means that there exists 32% of us who are different in some "non-normal" way. Individuals arrange themselves into groups and one does not have to be a member of the most popular one. This site is testimony to being different and not all of us are the same, either. Don't worry about your final destination, it's the journey that counts. Everyone goes through this process of finding themselves, just some take a little longer and a different path.

You have made a good start by joining this group. So ask your questions, give your feelings, and don't be afraid to carry on conversations with those who are helpful. No one here has your answers, only you. But we can help you find the answers that help to make you happy.