the story so far...

[Aurora]

hi

firstly, please accept my apologies for the length and meandering nature of this post. It was originally typed up as a Word doc, as way to express my feelings, before i had even found this forum:

my name is ryan, and i have an addiction.

its an addiction that i think i have had since my earliest memories. an addiction that took hold during my puberty, and, most recently, taken a hold of my life in a significant way.

while it used to occupy just the back my mind, and the very occasional chance to indulge. It now occupies my thoughts constantly, and affects almost every aspect of my life.

it is increasingly becoming a financial burden, it is affecting my work life, and most of all my home life. (although, as far as i can tell, it is only affecting me personally).

unfortunately, the addiction is not alcohol, drugs or even porn (although i might come back to that) these addictions, i could probably be more open about and certainly find it easier to get help.

I am a crossdresser.

As i have said in previous posts, some of my in earliest memories, tried on some of my mothers underwear. Something i once again dabbled in once i hit puberty, this i put down to the lack of female interaction in my life at this point. but it continued to happen when i had girlfriends and also currently with my wife.

My wife is aware of my fondness for wearing womens underwear and is seems to be ok with it, and allows me to wear it to bed. But i do think the novelty of this is wearing thin with her.

But now i have taken it to a whole new level.

until recently, it was always the case that i dressed in an anothers clothing, my mums, my girlfriends and as i said my wifes. The latter not so easy as she is a size 24, and i am more of a 14.

I can trace this dramatic change to a specific thought 2 weeks ago.

I was at a local supermarket, and just happened to glance at the reduced clothing racks. I spotted a PU mini/skater skirt. It was a size 18, too small for my wife, but it was her i would have bought it for. My wife has been known to indulge in a little bedroom dress up at my request, alhough this has become an infrequent occurrence.

Much later that evening i needed to back to the store to get fuel, as i wouldnt have time in the morning.

This, if i remember correctly, was the thought i had.

"Its too nice a skirt to pass up for the money (£4), if she doesnt want it, i'll have it for myself..."

where i would keep it, or get chance to wear it were thoughts not foremost on my mind to be honest. but the whole reduced rack had been moved and was nowhere to be found.

Work that day was near another branch of the same supermarket. I went there straight from work. and they did have a number of sizes. Not only did they have one in a 12 but also a 22, and in a couple of different styles. Perhaps i could convice my wife after all.

The following night after work, i took a chance and tried on the 2 skirts i had bought for myself. So i stood in work cashing up, in almost total darkness, (too many large windows) wearing my work shirt, nude tights, (also bought the night before) and new skirt. From these events i came to one conclusion:

I am not a size 12!

After another visit to the supermarket, i was now the proud owner of a size 12 (elasticated waist) black skater skirt, and a size 14 perforated faux leather (zipped/button waist) skirt. (gallery images may follow)

But i needed some footwear, the above ensemble did not look great with steel toe capped boots! Previously I have managed to squeeze my feet into my wife's heels, i think i may have worn them more than she has! but getting my 8 or 9s into her 5s is a challenge to say the least.

ebay seemed the easiest answer, even if i had to get it sent to work rather than home. But my wife would still have access to by account, watch list and purchase history. I needed to set up a second account. With a second email, ebay and paypal account, the search was on.

Within minutes, 'my ebay' was full of knee boots and court shoes in reds, blacks, patent and suede. but one pair of boots caught me eye - knee high purple faux suede in a 'giving' size 8, perfect (pics again may follow). and the best bit, 99p start. I'm happy to say these boots are now mine, and they did cost only 99p plus p&p.

The boots are a good fit, i can do the zip up without difficulty, and there is none of the 'gape' at the top that i thought i might get with larger sizes. Most surprising of all, i dont find them too difficult to walk in.

I now wear these boots most nights after i shut up shop. Usually with tights or hold ups beneath my regualr trousers. In doing so have found that i could probably have done with a bigger size, but given the amount of wear, i'm not to worried.

via ebay i have also managed to buy, a pink and lace corset style top (boneless) with shoulder straps, and a wet look black corset, but this is abit a fuss to put on alone.

The prices of court shoes on ebay were getting well above what i was prepared to pay, but a quick browse online, led me to some suede heels at another supermarket for £10 and available in a 9.

Rather than trying these on in the car after purchase, i waited till the following morning, only to find in this brand i am more suited to an 8. These have now been exchanged, which is a less embarasing process than i thought i would be, but i am putting this down to the fact that it is xmas.

Although, i have now come this far, and i have a number of items in my ebay watch list such as wigs, more skirts, sexy tops and even wet look leggings, I dont know what the future holds, to be honest, i don't even know what i want.

During this time, i have also been following an increasing number of cross-dressers via my flickr account. I believe, for the most part, this is down to my admiration of those that dress convincingly, especially those that actually venture out in public as women, not that this is something i aim to do (I don't think). I also follow some of those who only do this in the privacy of their own homes, either with their wives or other cross-dressers. But i still feel both admiration and jealously that they are able to express themselves in this way.

I have always considered myself to be 100% heterosexual. But, now i get aroused by some of these i follow on flickr.

All of which has led me to feel very unsure of myself.


thanks for listening

Ryan

[Martina Hall]

Welcome to the forum, Aurora!

[Anthony Simon]

my name is ryan, and i have an addiction.

Maybe.

It now occupies my thoughts constantly, and affects almost every aspect of my life.

Which might be because you've suddenly given vent to all this stuff inside you and it's making up for lost time.

unfortunately, the addiction is not alcohol, drugs or even porn (although i might come back to that) these addictions, i could probably be more open about and certainly find it easier to get help.

I am a crossdresser.

What is definitely unfortunate is the social aspect of it. Like you could certainly be more open about having a drink problem. On the other hand, there are a whole lot of awful things that can happen to you if you're addicted to alcohol or drugs that won't happen to you if you're a CD. It's a different form of social experience in a lot of respects.

I'm not sure, as above, it helps you characterise it as an addiction before you're done some more stuff and seen how it pans out.

[Erica S]

Hi Aurora, Welcome good to meet someone new.

Hugs,

Erica

[Carol Esme]

Hi Aurora. Don't over think things. I started with my mother's clothes and it was quite a while (20 years) before I got enough courage to buy my own. Even longer before I could go out in public. You are doing really well.

[Requal Jo]

Thanks for sharing Ryan. I remember the first time I bought my first female apparel. Same thoughts as you "where would I hide it and when would I get to wear it". Still the compulsion was strong and I did it.

I now have a very nice wardrobe of beautiful clothing from underwear to dresses, mini skirts and tops. Every one has been purchased while in male mode as I have not yet accumulated the courage to go out dressed (although I under dress frequently on weekends).

One day I will find the courage but until now I treasure my Requal time in the privacy of my home.

[Ralitsa]

Welcome to the site Aurora.

So the question about addiction comes up rather frequently, as a quick perusal through the archives will show. As Anthony said, there is no reason to rush to judgment on that one. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, even if it is that doesn't put it in the same destructive category as drugs and alcohol.

Since you are newly letting this all out you will have a lot of seemingly conflicting thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc that you will need to sort out. And you will probably find that your attitude and opinion about it change over time as you sort through it all.

But of course we will always be here to listen and give support and advice (always with the disclaimer about what free advice is worth )