Around the age of 12 I started getting interested in girls clothing however prior I would on occasion wounder why I was born male. One day around the age of 14 while my little sister was out I snuck into her bedroom and "borrowed" a bra and panties shes only 3 years younger than me and at the time I fit mostly into everything I was smaller than her not being into sports at all other than riding my bike. I stuffed said bra with socks and walked around thankfully my parents were at work. That was the only time I dared to wear her underwear during the day for the next 5 years I would only wear her bra's to bed under my normal clothes and on occasion "borrow" a dress or pair of jeans and wear them to bed always to return everything but the underwear the next day while she was in the shower. At the time it was at least partly sexual for me but I still just loved to wear them once in a great moon on a shop week I might go to school wearing a pair of panites under everything else I might normal wear but most of the time I didn't dare I only had maybe 2 friends in high school both were girls I've never gotten along great with men Id rather watch a sappy movie then go play football any day of the week. I had a lot of bullies in school there was hardly a day I can remember where I didn't get something said to me, thrown at me, or someone prank me so wearing something to school on the wrong day woulda been bad.
I enlisted in the Army National Guard on the very day I was eligible @ 17 1/2 My interest waned not completely but I did stop dressing altho you could find a bra and rolled up socks in my room still if you knew wear to look. I had enlisted for the sense of duty and honor anyone who knows me now knows exactly how i feel. There's a huge american flag hung on my wall flanked by my class a's and a set of my bdu's above and below of it are 6 american flags folded up for the 6 family members of mine who have served but have now passed on with place holders for 3 more as per my father has his brothers flag and his fathers plus my mothers father is still with us. I served from Jan '99 - Oct '01 easly one of the scariest moments of my life I was in a headquarter company for a light infantry battalion for the Mass Army National Guard at the time on 9/11. I received a honorable discharge for failure to pass the apft even after multiple attempts this crushed me and I still haven't fully recovered. The next few years were some of the hardest ap per I kept pestering recruiters to take me from the navy, airforce and coast guard only to get turned down. For someone who had to fight and fight hard to get the army to take a 220lb slightly asthmatic 18 yr old who's also got a really bad back 22 deg lower lumber @ the time of enlistment plus a severe bee allergy that has nearly killed me before all this rejection hurt.
Meanwhile I've been moving from job to job never holding one for more than 3 years most lasting 1-6 months and taken sometimes months if not years to find the next job. Living with my parents most of the time in my same bedroom with exceptions on when my sister took me in and now my brother. Until now my living situation hasn't really allowed me to dress but it doesn't mean I haven't wanted to and more. With my parents there is no door on my bedroom and my father has a habit of walking into my room unannounced even sometimes at 2-3 am hes done this all my life. Came close to catching me a few times. Hes a homophobe and associates crossdressing, transgenders, genderqueers and pretty much anything that isn't "normal" to being gay I know this because of his reactions in public to anyone who's openly gay transitioning or just wearing women's clothes its not a pretty sight. Heck he once caught me masturbating and asked me are you gay! Living with my sister didn't last long but I had roommates first was a openly lesbian couple then was another guy so even here I wouldn't dare however when I knew the girls were out it doesn't mean i wasn't rifling though the closet and drawers I just dare remove anything or risk stretching there stuff out i'm no longer a 120 lbs or less like when i started dressing. Move back to my folks when my sister lost the house.
Personally i've never though anything really wrong with what I liked to do in secret or the idea that maybe I was born in the wrong body but fear of my fathers reaction has been a major deterrent over the years. Until now only 1 person has ever learned my dirty little secret and she never got the full picture only the cross dressing part. She was my rock who helped me survive jr high a school counselor who they assigned me. She encouraged me or tried i never did paint my nails get a wig and learn to do makeup. Mentally i'm a bit behind allways have been I couldnt walk or talk till around 5-6 so i was in sped classes until my senior year of highschool when I pulled myself out I was 18 by then. Besides being a bit slow I have a really bad case of add, bad self esteem issues, extremely socially awkward, prone to suicide attempts (never actually tried I cant hurt my mother or her parents like that), likely bipolar and most likely got gender dysphoria i'm a real mess. I've seeked help in the past usually to just get disappointed by phycologists one in particular when upon meeting my mother immediately started asking her about her insurance and trying to convince me to make her come see him (shes bipolar but has it mostly under control). However now I live in my own apartment in my brothers basement im finally comfortable with dressing again on top of that because of this site and 2 others im using Im finally starting to realize what i've been feeling all my life is more normal then what I did previously.
I have allways have though woman were so lucky I don't feel comfortable in mens clothes to this day. Some of my hobbies i've falling into/semi unconscious habits are now screaming to me its time time to figure out if I need to make my long standing dream of being a woman real. Those hobbies include watching chick flicks, reading romance novels, making sure my toilet seat is so clean i could serve dinner off it safely(not really but i am obsessed with a clean apartment). However I still enjoy a good action movie, shooting my pellet rifle ect. My habits if falling into is i've rarely stood to piss ever, I love wearing my fleece pants around my apartment, wrapping a fleece blanket over my shoulder when i'm cold, acting like a giddy little school girl (in private only!) when something actually goes right for once, and quite a few other little things i've caught myself doing that stood out as more feminine then masculine.
I am once again attempting to seek help this time i'm targeting a female therapist who happens to have a office less than 1 mile from me and strongly considering going to the local pflag meets. I am also doing a few smaller things to try and help me i've had a 2-4 liter soda addiction for years and that has cost me my teeth (not completely but I do have dentures at just 34!) and caused me to have a huge pot belly. Im working on quitting that habit and trying to loos my weight. In addition in the morning Ill have my first breast forms and i'm working a hour a day at training my voice to sound like a woman. I know its 100% possible to do it and while i'm not sure if I need to transition this skill is something that wont permanently affect me. I hope at the end of this I come out at least a "normal" male with actual live goals and social skills but who knows I may show up at my parents wearing a dress sounding female telling them that the former me is dead and buried this is the real me and you better get used to it.
Anyone who has read this who thing I thank you even over the net where odds are you wont ever meet me on the street and figure out who I am typing this up was hard ive been at it for almost 2 hours.