My story

[Crystal Joanne]

I don't honestly know how I started on this path no matter how many times I've tried to make sense of it.

I remember that I was very sensitive as a child, shy and overly emotional. From the first days of preschool I was uncomfortable and felt wary of a lot of the other children. This caused me to be quite sickly and as such my parents let me stay home. Of course before long I had to go back to school and that's when the bullying started. Other kids couldn't help themselves pointing out how weak and pathetic I was, they said I was soft and that I acted like a girl.

I did make some friends but they were often the ones who were just as bullied as I was and we kind of banded together. I often came home from school crying after something horrible had happened to me and while my Mum always comforted me, my Dad just told me I was weak and that I should stand up for myself.

My Dad worked away from home a lot and I think my Mum became my role model. She was strong in herself but very kind and sympathetic. I feel I related to her more, to this day I still do. She was very much into singing and amateur dramatics and would often go out to concert groups dressed so glamorously. I think that might be how my attraction to the clothes started... maybe I wanted to emulate her or something.

Initially it was little things like wearing her heels or her knee high boots for a bit when my parents went out shopping. Over time it escalated to pantyhose or thigh highs, then bras, panties and slips... eventually dresses. For some reason the clothes made me feel good, as if they had the power to make me stronger in myself. I was lucky that my Mum kept a lot of her concert stuff in the attic and for a child like me it was a veritable transformation treasure chest. I eventually tried makeup and wigs and with those wonderful clothes I fully dressed myself up to the nines. I felt complete and so confident.

There was nothing sexual to it until I got into puberty which just caused me major confusion. I started to feel a great deal of shame after dressing and I was sickened by my compulsion to raid my Mum's things, yet I couldn't stop.

At one level it was like I knew I was supposed to be a boy (or at least I knew society expected me to be), but this girl side just wanted to dress up and feel pretty. I felt like a freak and often cried myself to sleep. My school was quite religious and had Bible readings on a Friday morning which said that people like me would go to Hell. It terrified me.

But then it was the 1980's, the decade of condemnation and intolerance. The newspapers were filled with prejudice and often had headlines outing some crossdressing politician as a despicable pervert (in their opinion). I was so afraid I'd be found out too and that my parents would disown me.

I was 15 when one of my very forceful tutor's at school firmly told us all that we must attended the fancy dress themed disco he was organising for charity. I told my parents I had to go but for fun I'd like to go as a girl. I don't know where that idea came from and surprisingly my parents went along with it. I could tell my Dad felt it was odd but he didn't make a big deal out of it.

My Mum did my makeup, sorted me out a perfect wig, panties, pantyhose, a skirt and a pretty blouse. I had to wear my own school shoes mind you but I didn't care. The first time I saw myself in the mirror I nearly cried. The disco went reasonably well, most of the other kids and teachers didn't recognise me, some did and mocked me but I felt like I had armour on. Some actually told me I looked amazing.

When I got home I felt bad and I had to get out of those clothes as fast as possible. I'd felt so wonderful but the old feelings of shame had become so strong and I cried myself to sleep once again.

Looking back on this I really do feel that this was the first time Crystal wanted out, as if she needed to be seen. Sadly I think my young mind couldn't handle it or the subsequent bullying telling me how much of a puff I was. My coping mechanism was that I became more like my Dad, I got aggressive and lashed out at anyone who upset me. It worked because people left me alone but it always hurt inside because I knew it was a huge lie.

Everything I had been just went to some secret place inside and became dormant. The gentleness I was once had faded a the fake very masculine and angry version of myself took control just so I could have an easier life.

I think I've probably written way too much so I may continue this at a later date if anyone is interested in finding out more.

[Anthony Simon]

You story about the disco reminds me of when I played Titania in the school play. I think I was too good at it - like too convincing as a girl. After that I lost both my friends and became persona non grata for a couple of years. It was only when I got in the school rugby team - and so proved that I could still do boy stuff - that it came back (I was accepted again).

[Crystal Joanne]

Anthony, yes exactly that feeling being too good at it. I have no idea how it came so naturally, maybe all along I'd been subconsciously absorbing and learning from my Mum's mannerisms. I actually got into track and field rather than rugby and I think the boys then felt I had some worth.

Kind of makes me sad looking back on it and knowing everyone saw Crystal shine that night before I ignored her and started to pretend it never happened.

I'm sorry you lost friends... did you ever blame your feminine side for it... I know I did even though I lost my friends much later in my late 20's.

[Anthony Simon]

I'm sorry you lost friends... did you ever blame your feminine side for it...

No - I just felt "that is how it is".

[KimberlyS]

Crystal thanks for sharing your story.

[Crystal Joanne]

OK. So when I got into my teens I'd bulked out a lot and since I'd become more aggressive and bad tempered other kids tended not to mess with me. I was still called names "puff" etc. behind my back.

Something in me said that other kids weren't ever going to accept me unless I started to do normal male things like find a girlfriend. I think at this point I got the impression that even my parents thought I might be gay... to my mind I just liked feminine things, I didn't feel gay so this was becoming really annoying. At 16 I got myself a girlfriend who for the purposes of this account I will call Lucy. Now Lucy was a very open-minded girl, quite tall and plump and she dressed quite radically. I would say she was very goth in her style and outlook.

We went out many times and I always had fun when I was with her. Yet weirdly enough suddenly many of the other kids started to approach me at school and ask me why I was going out with her. What was worse is that even my teachers started to say I shouldn't go out with her. I quickly got the impression that Lucy had something of a reputation but the truth is I didn't care because I really liked her.

I think what bugs me the most about this is that I was doing what should've been expected of a male but it still wasn't correct, wasn't good enough. I mean how in the hell was I supposed to make any sense of myself if a boy going out with a girl is suddenly wrong? The fact that she was allegedly (according to some sources) the school slut is not the point and I never saw her that way. I just saw someone who didn't care for a lot of stupid rules, she was a free spirit and always herself and I think I admired her for that.

Sadly I was hassled too much and wasn't brave enough to put up with all the abuse so eventually I broke up with her. I shouldn't do regrets but looking back I think Lucy was one of the few people who would have understood me and most likely encouraged my Crystal side. In some ways my Crystal personality probably has some of Lucy in her, at least from the assertiveness point of view.

I moved on and dated another (more acceptable for my peers) girl for a few months before I broke up the relationship and asked out a different girl who I was more attracted to. This girl who I shall call Elaine was my longest relationship of two and a half years. The problem with Elaine was that she was boring most of the time, I quickly discovered she had no interests beyond a love of accountancy which was her planned career choice and she had a plan in mind of where my life should lead that I wanted no part of. She had this very sexual side to her which revealed itself on occasion to tease me and I did lose my virginity with her. The weird thing is after that special occasion she didn't seem to want to sleep with me ever again, lots of foreplay but no actual sex.

I've often wondered if I disappointed her because deep down I saw myself as this fake male who had a crossdressing secret. The thing is when I was in a relationship I didn't dress. The feeling was there but far more mellow and it felt less like a compulsion.

Eventually like all my other relationships it came to an end. The dressing wasn't the problem and like I said I wasn't even indulging in it at that point. We just wanted different things, I wanted to go to University and didn't feel like settling down. Elaine just wanted a career and husband first and then kids.

My University life in my early 20's was a period of excess. Lot's of drinking every night to the early hours like a lot of students do. I had already started smoking in six form college and formed my first bad habit. My drunken nights out led to too many one night stands etc. Interestingly enough I got on well with my peers and I was seen as someone who was fun to be with. When that period of my life was over I stayed in the same town as the University and discovered that my qualifications were useless to employers so I ended up getting stuck in a rut of dead end jobs.

For some reason I stopped chasing relationships since past history showed me that they never worked out. I become very lonely with a crap job and a very crap flat. I made friends of course and that made things easier but something was always lacking in my life and that's when the dressing came back with a vengeance.

Looking back at this I did consider that the dressing might in some way relate to low self-esteem and I wonder even now if I had a desire to reinvent myself. Or alternatively was it a need to feel close to someone feminine but since I couldn't find that person... I had to become her? That in itself sounds horribly narcissistic but maybe in my own way I just wanted someone who could accept me as a whole with all my failings. Perhaps the truth is that in my own messed up way I was trying to come to terms with myself but since my male self had grown to view my dressing as some kind of twisted fetish he couldn't control, that side had to be tricked into it. Self-delusion is powerful stuff.

In hindsight I've analysed this to exhaustion and the only realistic answer I found is that if there was any genuine truth in that belief then why was I crossdressing long before puberty?

Anyway more to come later. Writing this stuff always feels like pouring salt into old wounds even when I know how helpful it is.

[Anthony Simon]

Writing this stuff always feels like pouring salt into old wounds even when I know how helpful it is.

Maybe you're not letting go of something you should have - and the more you hang on, the more it hurts. Anyway, that would be my experience (not CD-related) - because I was afraid I couldn't cope without it.

[Crystal Joanne]

Maybe you're not letting go of something you should have - and the more you hang on, the more it hurts. Anyway, that would be my experience (not CD-related) - because I was afraid I couldn't cope without it.

Actually when I wrote that I simply meant it can be painful when revisiting the past, even when it's considered healthy to get out of your system, and I know it might be useful to others if they see similarities of behaviour.

But it consideration perhaps you have a point. Doesn't mean that I don't feel upset about it knowing even now that where I currently am telling my story led to a very dark period in my life. I like to think I've learnt something from that and I'm certainly not the person I was back then. Maybe the right answer is not to retread it again, so I'm not going to write anymore now because that's most likely what I need to finally let go of.

[Anthony Simon]

Maybe the right answer is not to retread it again, so I'm not going to write anymore now because that's most likely what I need to finally let go of.

Like get on with your life and let it take you where it leads rather than being constrained by your expectations from the past.

Maybe you'll see things differently.

[Crystal Joanne]

Like get on with your life and let it take you where it leads rather than being constrained by your expectations from the past.

Maybe you'll see things differently.

My own expectations? No far from it, in my case I feel far more constrained by other people and what I might want for myself is often greatly limited by that. I'm not saying it isn't by choice, in fact I could tell all and sundry about this person I've kept secret all my life, shout it from the rooftops but then what good is it going to do me, as I see everything comes crashing down as a result. Quite simply the people in my life wouldn't get it. But then why should I hurt people I care about and also hurt myself, that would just make me feel extremely selfish and it just invites a whole heap of intolerance and prejudice I wouldn't be able to deal with.

If living my life means a great part of me has to forever stay hidden away... so be it!

[Anthony Simon]

You don't have to go with ordinary people. You could try sharing this in a positive environment - say a support group - and see what they say (if anything).

[Crystal Joanne]

You don't have to go with ordinary people. You could try sharing this in a positive environment - say a support group - and see what they say (if anything).

Look I'm sure you mean well but why does any of this matter to you. What difference does it make if I follow your suggestions or not? Have you even considered that a support group might not even be something I actually want anytime soon?

This forum is not my first rodeo and I've come across people before who have tried to pressure me into things I don't want under the veil of good advice. Now I'm not saying that's you but it has a similar tone. Typically in my experience it involved being pressured into passing, meetups and even transition. When I tried to tell these people that I was content enough with my life I found myself continually questioned, like my word wasn't good enough and just seen as denial. Maybe it's the way I write or something and perhaps I am somehow making myself look needy and vulnerable but I don't truly feel that way.

Given how hard it is to often even talk about these things the last thing I need is further stress. I came here so I could be myself, converse with people like me and not feel restricted. Some of your comments have left me wondering what exactly I'm doing wrong because you keep leaving these generalised one-liner highlights, all of which can be gathered from the "transgender to do list". The less you say the more I feel like your dancing around something which you really want to say and it's starting to irritate me.

I actually thought this place seemed very different but now I'm not so sure and I'm left questioning if I want to remain.