Guess this is where I am supposed to start

[Lauren]

I guess I am at least supposed to start here not that I am one to always go by the rules. LOL Not really sure what my beginnings are as in a way my life can be divided into two parts, the first 30 years and the second 30 years. Maybe both but in separate posts.

I guess my early days were like many of yours and found myself drawn to feminine attire at around the age of 8 or 9. I fought it at first telling me this is just wrong but eventually I gave in. I remembering sneaking one of my mother's pair of panties and a bra from the hamper that first time and trying them on. Not sure why but I found a peace when I did it and continued to do so for years progressing from just simple undergarments to dressing as completely as I could. I was caught many times and like all of you I said I would never do it again but I did. It wasn't until I was in college and discovered adult book stores I realized I was not the only one in the world as well as learning about transsexuals. That is what they were called back then. I had always felt different and it got me to thinking.

After college I took a job in of all places Binghamton, New York. They paid for my masters and I became quite proficient in my job. I was sent to be technical advisor on a movie and there I met an individual that had a small company that serviced the entertainment industry and we became friends. As the movie was wrapping up he offered me a job. It was February so I was not looking forward to returning to another Binghamton winter which were even more brutal than those I had grown up in the Chicago area. The lure of Southern California and sunshine was too much so I accepted the offer.

What an eye opener! Not only was it a whole cultural change but I also learned there were girls like me and even places to go dressed! I was like a kid in a candy shop. I admit to going a bit overboard in several aspects of my dressing but I was young and foolish, now I am just foolish. LOL One night I was all dolled up and at one of the girl bars when an attractive middle aged CD came up and called me by my male name. I stopped dead in my tracks and took a long look at her. OMG it was the owner of the company I worked for! My boss! Needless to say I was scared to death she was going to fire me on the spot.

No she didn't fire me and we became friends. In a way Barbara took me under her wing introducing me to other girls, helping me improve my look and develop my style, and helped me see that spreading my charms with the male admirers was not the life I wanted. After more than a few a few talks she got me hooked up with a therapist who helped me find my true self. Even though my therapist and I felt I would be a lot happier living out the rest of my life as a woman I kept telling myself I had plenty of time for that, I was young and had time to get to that Then came that fateful phone call.

In a way that kind of sums the first almost 30 years of my life. I will get to the last 30 years in another post but for the moment I want to get to reading some of your stories and other posts.

[Diana Michelle]

Yes this is supposed to start Lauren. Your early start is not that different than a lot of us but looking forward to hearing how you explain the second half of your life.

[KimberlyS]

Welcome to the forum Lauren.

kimberlys

[Lauren]

Like I said in my previous post that kind of wrapped up the first 30 years of my life and I would get to the last 30 so here it is.

I talked about a fateful phone call, it was from my half sister from my father's first marriage telling me my father had a massive heart attack and things did not look good. I got the first flight I could out of LAX back to Chicago but I was not in time. At the age of 64 he had passed away.

I was devastated. Here he had planned on retiring the following year and do all the things he and my mother had talked about for years and now that was all gone. The loss of a loved one has a way of slapping you in the face with your own mortality. Through my grief I also thought about my own circumstances and realized that tomorrow I kept saying I was going to do something may never come. I started making plans to change my life and take the steps to become the woman I was.

I talked with Barbara about my situation and she told me to go ahead and not only would she support me but my job was safe. I started HRT and putting things in order to become the woman I should have been born. I am eternally grateful for the support and love I received from her and a few others.

My family was less than enthusiastic when I informed of my decision at Christmas. In retrospect it was barely 4 months after my father had passed away and although we will never know if their reaction was tainted by that but looking back it was maybe not the best timing. The only ones who supported me were my half sister and my one cousin. I cut my visit short and I was not a happy camper on the flight home. Over the next couple of days I kept asking myself why they couldn't see what I did? While upset by everyone's reaction in a way it made me even more resolute to go through with my plans. There was an eventual reconciliation with my family though things can never be what they could have been.

Eager as I was to get on with my new life I continued to muddle through my double life as things "developed." Then one day as I was getting ready for work a look in the mirror told me it was time. The people at work had all been informed of the new me so I figured it was now or never. I admit I was late for work that morning as it takes a lot longer to get ready as a woman not to mention trying on several outfits before saying "This is as good as it gets Lauren." Much to my delight it was almost anticlimactic at work that first day.

My period of transition had its share of ups and downs like most who have been through it however for me there was a goal which kept me plundering forward and finally I attained it. On February 26, 1992 I had my GCS. Finally I was as much a woman as medical science could make me. The woman I should have been born! To say it was the happiest day of my life up that point is mild.

As everyone who took the route I did will tell you GCS is in a way an end but it is also a beginning. There are many new things you are dying to experience but things are definitely different. I went forward to learn that although I was now physically a woman and had been all my life not all men think the same way. Still I kept going forward hoping somewhere out there was a man who could see me for who I am not what it was.

They say everything happens for a reason. In March 1994 despite of my protestations I was assigned to be a technical advisor on another movie. In retrospect it was a blessing from heaven for it was there I met Matt. Yes he was 17 years older than me and just coming out of a divorce but I was coming out of several relationships I thought were going somewhere but ended abruptly when I told the gentleman of my beginnings.

Not sure but it seemed right so we started dating and I believe neither of us saw it as anything more than a fun relationship, well at least in the beginning. It lasted about 6 months but for a multitude of reasons, no I hadn't told him of my past life, he decided to end it. I was surprised I took it as hard as I did and it took me a few months to get over him. I eventually started dating again but nothing really clicked. I began to think maybe I was destined to live my life bouncing from relationship to relationship without ever finding true love

It was 14 months or so the movie was ready for release and had its premiere. I went as was the practice as well as to the after party for the "crew." I went out on the balcony for a cigarette and was about ready to return to the party when a man came out on the balcony. Not any man but Matt! We talked a little and as we did the memories and feelings of before came back to me. I remember giving him a kiss on the cheek then saying "The phone number is still the same" before walking away.

Long story short we started dating again. I did come clean to him a couple of months later and yes it took him some time but he came back. Not that our relationship didn't have its ups and downs but on April 17, 1999 we became husband and wife. The joy I felt on that day even exceeded that which I felt on the day of my surgery. I had truly arrived! We had a wonderful marriage but sadly after a bout with pancreatic cancer Matt passed away on August 12, 2018, the darkest day of my life.

That pretty much sums up the last 30 years of my life. I have no idea if you want to know more or if this is TMI. I do hope it gives all of you a little insight into me. I will say looking back it has been a pretty good life and while there are things I would change if I could never once have I questioned the decision I made to follow the road I did for it was the one for me.

[Grace]

What a beautiful story and remarkable journey. Thanks for sharing!

[AJ West]

inspiring