My Wife Said This

[Janice SO]

It might be the black and white aspect of right and wrong that leads one to believe that cheating would be easier to deal with.
You see, cheating means that I was wronged in an oblivious and inexcusable manner. My feelings of anger and hurt are so much more easily justified when I have truly been WRONGED.
My feelings of hurt and even anger, in relationship to my husbands CDing, are much more difficult for me to come to terms with. After all, he didn't do this to injure or humiliate me...THIS doesn't have anything to do with ME.
It is who he is, so where do I get off having these hurt feelings? That can be a tough bite to swallow.

Although I don't agree that dealing with adultery is "easier", it certainly would make me the one "In the RIGHT"...lol...and god knows that I as a wife, love to be right.

Janice SO

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

WTF! thats...kinda...scary and ignorant.

i would actually pay my lover to crossdress it would be amazing. i would feel it the ultimate confusion and incomprehendible rubbish if he cheated and hes neutral to my male clothes but i keep girly stuff for when we are alone so hes fine but he would quote shout me in the face if i cheated end quote. dramatic yes but i agree with his priorities.

[Janice SO]

WTF! thats...kinda...scary and ignorant.

Wow. I don't even know what else to say...I guess just, Wow.

Janice SO

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

i meant that in response to original post btw

[Alora (SO)]

I have never said anything like that to my husband, nor never would.

I do agree with what is said above that it does tend to spark a small competition.

In my case it is reverse however, he competes with me. He wants to be prettier,
more graceful, etc, etc, etc.

I'm not trying to compete with him. He wants the latest bras that he sees in catalogs and such
and I'm still wearing my 5 year old suckers.

[Paulette]

Keep in mind that there are more parameters here than have been discussed.

Is the CD sexually aroused by dressing, being dressed before others or in public?

Is the CD primarily or strictly oriented toward the gender of their partner?

Is the SO strictly oriented to their CD partner's birth gender?

Has either partner been in a polyamorous previous marriage, i.e. where liaisons outside the marriage are first consulted with the then partner?

Has either partner been in an adulterous previous marriage, where liaisons outside the marriage are concealed from the then partner?

Has either partner been in simultaneous multiple relationships with others before marrying?

-- It's a big and complex world out there, folks. There's nothing wrong with conservative, traditional, or even parochial values in themselves. But one should know it when one haz it, and know what values one's partner has.

One of the problems here, as recently expressed by a new member SO, is that one's moral or ethical values sometimes change when it's your own ox being gored (so to speak). And you can't tell in advance of actual experience, whether or not your feelings will change. That is usually quite personally embarrassing and confusing if it does.

Go Slowly. Say that this (whatever it is) is your first reaction, but your partner should give you some time to make sure. And then your partner should do exactly that, and ask before spreading the news or including others in the "secret."

As I said, it's a big and complex world out there, so don't be too quick to judge, or promise.

[Holly H.]

I just want to add a slightly different perspective. We all think in terms of who we are and being who we are -- "to thy self be true" (very appropriate quote, Bernice). What about your wife's identity and who she is? She married a man and she has an image of this man. Part of her identity could be associated with her perception of that man? Now that man is not who she perceived. The man in her perception would more likely have an affair than be a CD'r, that would be easier on her ego to accept. It may not be about the competition or the "other" woman but truly an element of her self identity, her self image -- "how could I be married to a cd'r"?

I do not know if this is the case but it is a perspective that I did not see mentioned that I believe is a legitimate part of the human pysche. How many "normal" males brag about the "10" wife or girlfriend? Part of their identity is tied to the fact they are partnered with a beautiful woman.

This thread was started several years ago, and I hope, Kimberly Ann and her SO were able to successfully work through the issues. I just wanted to put this out there to see what others thought.

respectfully,

Holly

[Tasi]

Holly,

This subject was addressed in some depth on Sister House (http://www.sisterhouse.net" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;) in two articles by Pandora. You might want to read them. The first article was on how crossdressing changes your wife's opinion of you and the second is the followup talking further to male image. I would hope all CDs and their wives would read these articles as they ex[plain much in the male-female relationship with married couples. Also helps to explain the NMH (not my husband) syndrome that is all too prevalent understandingly

Hugs.....Tasi


* Extensive self-promotion of your web site has been deleted. You may start a topic in Links of Interest about Sister House with a link and a brief description of the site, but that is all. - SL

[Holly H.]

Thanks for the links Tasi. These are good articles.

Holly

[Eileen (SO)]

I wasn't sure how to respond to this post at first, and glad there are new comments.
Husband and I both had romantic relationships before we met, we saw each other as special enough to make a life commitment in marriage. Violating that commitment is, even once, is a deal breaker. The cheating partner is never to be trusted again.

Men are different in their sexual expressions in ways that women never quite understand. Why keep adult magazines or movies when an actual woman is living with you? When I was first discovering his CDing, I thought it was a type of sexual fantasy. I was older and less attractive than when we fell in love. He wasn't going to cheat on me (or was he?), why not dress like 'the other woman'?

Eventually, I learned that his dressing female started well before he first dated girls. Nothing to do with me or my more mature looks. It's hard to understand what goes on in someone else's mind. In keeping our commitment, I resolved to learn and understand about cross dressing. I'll never fully understand, but we have learned so much together as he can now talk about his feelings in ways impossible while hiding in the closet.

Sometimes I wish he didn't CD, till I realize the closeness we now share. There are few other male hobbies that I could join in and really enjoy. While still not fully understanding his emotional needs to dress female, he has learned much about the female state of mind.

Eileen

[Tasi]

Dear Eileen,

It's great that you've been able to achieve closeness with your CD husband; it's all too rare. Of course you realize it's not a hobby although some wives look at it that way to help reconcile their internal feelings with a hubby in a dress. I'm sure 99% of the wives wish we didn't crossdress, but say la vive, it's not to be helped
Hugs.....Tasi

[Eileen (SO)]

I don't want to trivialize cross dressing as a mere hobby. Hobbies like making fishing lures that will never be used, only to be looked at for their beauty, rebuilding an entire car and not want to drive it on the street. Those are hobbies that make sense for the artistic value.
When a hetero male has the need to wear female clothing to feel right, what should we call it besides 'hobby'? A 'compulsion' sounds like some one out of control. And 'fetish' insinuates very strange behavior.

Sure, I accept his needs, and he respects times I wish he didn't do so. It's been a ten year struggle for me to be at this level of acceptance. I love him more now than before.

Eileen

[Tasi]

Well actually the medical world calls it gender dysphoria now in DSM-5, to ensure that treatment is possible where required. However many still disagree with this definition. I prefer to just think of it as another variation in the human condition. Understand that there are some for whom this is a fetish, but no so for most of us where the need to dress is part of who we are. I call it dual-gendered.. Your husband is a lucky man to have such an understanding wife as yourself

[KimberlyS]

I for one thinks Eileen needs a standing round of applause. You have stuck by your husband and worked through the issues to have and even better relationship. Too many people in this world think relationships are just throw a way, not realizing that no relationship is perfect and each relationship has issues. If a couple can work through the issues in a relationship together it makes the relationship only better.

[Eileen (SO)]

You make me blush, Kimberly! We may seem like a close couple now, but it wasn't always so. Partly because he didn't know how to properly explain his feminine feelings, and on line searches fed the worst of my fears. Willing to put aside anger and distrust, and work on the commitment we made to each other.
Yes, we are closer now than ever before, because we both wanted to be.

Eileen