My Wife Said This

[Kimberly Ann Dee]

A little while ago in a heated conversation my wife told me she would rather I cheated on her with another woman than I crossdress. Did this thought ever come to any of you GG's ? What does anyone think of this ?

KIM

[Michelle Miller]

I think a lot of the insecurity my wife had with my 'feminine side' was something along those lines, in that she saw it as an object of my affection, in the same way that someone would view an affair going on. I can't say for certain, as she's never really came clean about the little 'why's', and I can't believe a word she says anyway.

[DonnaT]

I've heard that said before. Not from my wife.

Still can't understand it.

Adultery is a lot worse than cross dressing, IMNSHO.

[KimberlyS]

Cross dressing is often referred to by wifes' as feeling that the husband is having an affair.

Donna I agree adultery is a lot worse IMHO.

kim
joe in a skirt

[Absaroka]

I suppose you could look at as the husband is the other woman, how do you compete with that?

Zari

[Stormy(SO)]

Kim - I found out that Missy was a CDer by accident. We went away for a long weekend and she was going to stay to work and I was going to come home with friends that we'd traveled with. Missy hates to leave her clothes in a suitcase so I was unpacking and found women's shoes, nightgown, skirts, tops, etc. I had to really think about what I was looking at since I couldn't imagine that he would be stupid enough to keep another's clothes with him!!! After thinking through the situation I realized that these were his/her clothes and then I had to sit and think about all that implied. That was over a Labor Day weekend. I left everything in that little suitcase and never let on that I had seen the contents. I had to think about what was happening in my world. That Halloween I spent three hours turning my man in to Mae West and what a fantastic Mae she was! I was W.C. Fields and we went to dinner with friends and then to a bar to see if we couldn't win the costume contest! On the way home I told her that I knew about the CDing and I had some questions. We had a very honest and frank discussion and once I was satisfied that Missy is Missy and I'm still me and that it certainly doesn't hurt our love for each other but actually enhances it (heck, I got a whole new wardrobe since we share clothes, shoes, wigs, make-up, purses - all but undies and night clothes) we've never looked back. I have a BFF that totally gets a bad hair day whether en femme or not and I totally get when she HAS to dress and make accommodation for that. Women fear what they don't understand and they fear losing their man to this woman....does that even make sense? I hope so. SilverLady and I along with Sharon are the exception to the rule and we are definitely advocates for everyone's right to be who they are. If it would help for any one of us to answer any questions your wife might have - send her our way. Knowledge is power and also the key to alleviating fear. Perhaps she feels that you will want to become a woman and she'll lose you forever? Perhaps she sees that dreamy, wonderful look of awe that you probably get when you dress and she's jealous? I can only surmise what her issues are and you can probably best quell her fears because there is no doubt -she is afraid. Best to you.

Stormy

[Michelle Miller]

I suppose you could look at as the husband is the other woman, how do you compete with that?

Zari

I joked about my situation, how I never thought I'd be the 'other woman' that broke my marriage up.

Women fear what they don't understand and they fear losing their man to this woman....does that even make sense? I hope so.

That's what I think my wife's issue was, that she couldn't see past the little things, grooming and such, she said all she saw anymore was my 'femme' side. Maybe so, but no matter what hair I remove, it doesn't change me into something else.

[Kimberly Kael]

I certainly don't agree with the sentiment but I think I can understand it. Most women seem to feel betrayed by discovering that their husband has feminine leanings. The betrayal is often compared to adultery so that's consistent enough, but why would it be considered worse? Well, most women probably have some experience with being cheated on so they know how that feels and feel better prepared to deal with it. And then there's the social stigma. You can be legitimately and publicly angry about adultery but crossdressing is a more complicated and embarrassing situation. Who can you talk to about it?

Fear of the unknown is a very powerful thing.

[Erica S]

Here is a twist for you all. My wife said her Dad was bisexual, many years ago. That was her biological father not the man who rasied her. Now one of her son's is gay. Not mine he is from previous marriage. I have a Brother who is gay and had an Uncle who was gay also. I think she looks at me CDing that I will turn either bi or gay. I think for me that is repulsive and would not think of that. I love the female in many ways and want to be dressed like a woman. I love the clothing and the way it makes me feel inside. I think my wife would also rather I had an affair with a real woman than CD, I am not sure. I know one day, many months ago, she was hugging me and I had on a satin shell under a sweat shirt, and she said that it was differrent. She then said, she thought I was a women in my past life. I think I was. My feelings tword CDing now have grown stronger and deeper for me. I feel the desire to dress every day now in what I can. Since it is cold here in the evening I have on a sweater with my black bra on underneath for the feeling it gives me ( without the forms of course! ) .

Erica

[Tasi]

And here's another variation that I just got sprung on me. It's not the other woman syndrome, but the only woman syndrome. She's sees me as competition in that she wants to be the only woman in the marriage. It's not that I don't understand the feeling, I just don't know how to deal with it. My feelings just get stronger and now I find myself hiding my nature more and more. Even the smallest things seem to set her off.

For instance, we were shopping the cosmetic aisle in Krogers. She was looking for a moisturizer so I just browsed. Well, wrong thing to do. Now her husband was doing womanly things and it didn't set well. She complains that I have another life that she is not part of!! well, yes, but not by choice. She has this thing about a "strong man" which I am at work, But at home we share responsibility and each has their role. I asked if she was willing to submit to my authority whenever.......Well, that was good for a laugh.

So my dear SOs, what advice do you have??

Hugs.....Tasi

[Bernice]

I may have an absurd perspective, but it seems like the elephant in the room which nobody has acknowledged.

If being TG means I am "the other woman" in some perverted form of infidelity, where is the risk of an STD? There is no rational way that being transgendered can compare with the life-threatening risks of real infidelity. Much as I try to keep an open mind, I don't see (or cannot imagine) how I could be persuaded otherwise.

Educated people often cite the advice of Polonius to his son Laertes in "Hamlet", wherein Shakespeare wrote "to thine own self be true". It seems to me that acknowledging who we really are is an example of being true to ourselves, and that without being true to ourselves, we cannot be true to anyone. So where is the infidelity? Did any of us consciously decide we wanted to become transgendered? Where is the malice and premeditation?

Hugs,

Bernice

[Susan]

Kimberly Ann

You and I know that this is simply not true

I have never cheated on any girlfriend and my wife and I are coming up to our 24th wedding anniversary.

Your wife methinks is believing the myths about who we are, get her to join here if you can (my wife won't alas) and perhaps she will learn something

HUGS

[Elizabeth]

A little while ago in a heated conversation my wife told me she would rather I cheated on her with another woman than I crossdress. Did this thought ever come to any of you GG's ? What does anyone think of this ?

KIM

Hi Kimberly,

First, while it sounds really nice rolling off the tongue, I seriously doubt that if presented with the choice of you having sex with another woman or putting on some women's clothes, she would choose for you to have sex with another woman.

I think it's frustration of the woman she doesn't feel she can confront. Especially if she feels she should be your only source of feminine identity, in that she wants to be the only "woman" in your life. A real life woman is something she can confront and defeat. Someone she can take her man back from.

On the other hand, you as the woman she can not defeat. Even if you don't dress, it still doesn't "kill" the "other woman". She is always there. I think most women figure this out. Some it takes longer than others. In the end, either she can deal with it or she can't.

You know in many ways it's like the stages of accepting death or disability. This is the "negotiating stage". Of course the last stage is acceptance. This may be a ways off or it might be never. Not until she accepts this about you will she let go of the fear of "the other woman".

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

Elizabeth, you always seem to nail it. Either she/they/SO's accept us or they don't. That is unless we are well hidden in the actual or proverbial closet.

I think you and I and several others of our sisters here all feel the same. We have a gift. It is not something for a GG to fear or loathe but to hopefully learn about, come to appreciate and then to share. Our, if you will, alter-ego, can be a source of understanding , love and friendship. I have never seen "it" used as a threat in any relationship. I do know that some GG's have used that excuse but it is not what we are about.

Seeking common ground, understand and then hopefully sharing can only strengthen a relationship. The down side well we all know what that is.

Don't forget, we are here to support each other!!!

Love,

Virginia

[Charon (SO)]

if you want the truth the reason she probably said this was because she doesnt properly understand crossdressing and to be fair not all men who crossdress explain whats going on properly do they, if you cheated she would know how to respond because she would understand her feelings and she would know it was ok to have them feelings, its easy isnt it,some one cheats on you and you know you have every right to be jealous to be mad, if you want you can leave them you can explain why to people, if you want to talk to your mates you can, you will get support, alot of the time just as men have no one to talk to about this niether do women. i admit i used to be jealous i used to wonder why he needed to go off on his own and dress up, was i not sexy enough, why wasnt sex with me enough, was i allowed to be jealous was i allowed to be mad was i stupid for having these feelings,just as society has gender roles laid out for men it has gender roles laid out for women. we are supposed to be understanding tolerent kind sexy, then you have thoughts running through your head that you dont know if theyre supposed to be there,also it makes you question yourself, has a women ever asked you to fancy them whilst they wear male clothes, shoes a moustache, beard wig give themselves a male name and have a strong male persona,if they did would you then wonder if you were supposed to accept them or if this then made you in some way bisexual,i know clothes shouldnt have anthing to do with how someone feels about another person but then it obviousley has something to do with how someone feels about themselves or people wouldnt crossdress.i dont think deep down she would rather you cheated i think she just means it would be easier to get her head round,it is quite hard to understand and accept yourself without letting what you think other people think of you and what society thinks is right wether you have things like crossdresssing going on or not just my opinions