Questions for GG/SO Partners

[Suzanne]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and still exploring the site when I spotted this great thread.
I think Eileen is doing us a wonderful service by giving the female perspective on all this.
Before I married my 'ex' I thought/hoped that marriage would make this attraction to femininity go away. At the time (mid 70s), there was no internet and v little in the way of reading material (apart from Encyclopaedia Britannica). After a year of marriage, it showed no signs of going away so I decided to tell her - as my idea of marriage meant no secrets between husband and wife. We were on holiday and walking around a harbour on a warm summer's evening when I saw a woman who looked exactly as I would have liked to have looked if I'd been female. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I wanted with all my heart to be her at that moment.
When we returned to the campsite, we climbed into our sleeping bags and I said I had something to tell her. I told her about the effect the woman I'd seen in the harbour had had on me - and that I'd had these thoughts all my life and that I'd always felt I should have been a woman.
There was a loong silence - that got deeper and more profound the longer it lasted.
"Uh-oh," I thought to myself, "I've made a big mistake here."
There was zero comfort coming to me from her - no arm wrapped around me with her saying soothing words like "Come here ya big galoot.." Nothing.
So much for being a soul mate. I like to think that if she'd confided a close secret to me that I'd've been more understanding and compassionate.
This marriage failed after quite a few years - for other reasons..
I subsequently remarried - but I've refrained from telling my sweetheart about this other aspect of me. I know she couldn't/wouldn't be able to handle it.. and as I see it as my problem, I don't want to dump it on her.
Is the revelation of a secret like this so threatening to a woman that they are unable to respond.. it seems that they are only capable of looking at it in terms of how it affects them?
However, women with no emotional link to me, on the other hand, have been so kind. In my travels I encountered several women who became friends.. OK, they all worked in shops or were counsellors but they didn't have to be as nice to me as they were. I went shopping with 2-3 of them and I learnt so much. To be accepted as "one of the girls" was one of the best experiences of my life.
I'd better stop here.
Suzanne

[Eileen (SO)]

Nice to have you here on this forum, Suzanne!
Since I started this thread nearly two years ago, my experiences have been greatly expanded.

Without doing multiple quote sections, I'll try to address your comments with as little confusion as possible, I hope.
It is true that most women are able to accept a 'girly' guy in casual encounters. Their feminine mannerisms are more of a sister than a guy using lame come on lines. For most women, we smile to disarm a casual glance, it does not mean we are 'available' despite the wedding ring. Most guys don't get that. A gay man or a CD is more interested in the feminine experience and therefore a safe encounter. Except when it is our own spouse! Or boyfriend.
I had many years of a fairly tale marriage before I learned about cross dressing on a personal level.
To be blunt, Suzanne, you screwed up telling your first wife while on vacation and invoking another woman you never met. That and you "always felt I should have been a woman" bombshell revelation. That the marriage failed after several more years, believe me, she remembered that night.

Depending on your intensity to dress femme, you could choose to keep it a secret from your wife and be miserable for the rest of your life. Or more casually broach the subject and test her level of acceptance. You really don't "KNOW" as of yet. I can attest to that. You might have to remain closeted or find that your wife will choose to learn and accept.

And yes, a CD spouse is threatening to a wife. We do not understand someone wishing to portray as a different gender unless they're gay/lesbian.
Cross Dressing seems a very different category that was little talked about or understood in my upbringing.

I hope I offered enough of my perspective to continue the conversation. Be careful of shopping with girlfriends though. Seeing other women is much more a marriage threat than just dressing like a woman.
Just my opinion.

Eileen

[Suzanne]

Thanks for replying Eileen and yes, I agree with much that you say.
I think many women are tolerant of CDers until it steps over the front door - but as far as my wife is concerned, I know her and I know, from the odd comment she's made about TVs or TSs, that she'd be unable to "embrace" this part of me if I were to front up - plus I don't wish to add that into our lives.
It's been a hard thing to come to terms with. It's not something any of us ask for and it seems that, unlike other of Nature's quirks, it's one that defies practical resolution.
I'm a tall guy (I know there are others who are as tall or taller) but to me there'd be little point in transitioning if I were unable to 'pass' and take my place in society. I wish I was 5'6" and a size 5 in shoes.. but I'm not. I'm not even close!
If I'm widowed, then yes, I would dust off my act and live as near to full-time as possible - as many here do apparently. That's the only thing that keeps me going.
In the meantime, it's cold turkey.

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Suzanne,

There is the dilemma most CD's face, will a wife become accepting despite her outward displeasure?
When we were married in 1980, none of our friends or family (as far as we knew) were gay/lesbian or trans. Cross dressing was little understood and lumped in with the trans community. Except that my husband had much more knowledge of cross dressing than he let on to. In the days before the internet, he didn't really understand either.

Broaching this subject with a wife can be traumatic. Once the conversation starts, it's hard to say 'oh, never mind' if things go badly. Learning that TV, TS, and CD are three different things was my first step.

You do seem to want more than just dressing female. Contemplating being 'widowed' is kinda creepy though.
Whatever your height, size 5 shoes? Those are tiny. This gal would fall on her face every other step.

Eileen

[Suzanne]

Hi Eileen,
You weren't to know but unfortunately I do have to contemplate being widowed because my beloved wife had cancer a few years ago and it's flaring up again..
I'm one of those people who thinks through the "what ifs" all the time.. Couple that with my ever-present feelings of femininity and so it's no surprise that I should find myself imagining the unimaginable. Yes, I don't like myself for doing it but it's the sad reality in my life.
Suzanne

[Eileen (SO)]

So sorry to hear about your wife, Suzanne. Thinking through the 'what if's' is your way to cope, I do the same.
I wouldn't suggest you divulge your secret as she has enough now to worry about. Unless she suspects some femininity in your habits and may think you're cheating on her. The truth might be hard to accept, but better than suspecting an unfaithful husband.

I hate to unload on newer member sister here, but a dear friend of ours lost his Mom last weekend and I'm still a little bit emotional. Your wife has cancer, again, maybe terminal, and you lament your "sad reality in my life". Consider her sad reality of life. I understand that the compulsion to dress female is a strong desire. I'm lucky in that my husband dresses occasionally with no desire to live full time, so he says. Life is full of compromises, we choose which are acceptable.

Take care of your wife and be femme when you can. Cherish the things you are able to do, instead of lamenting the things you cannot do.

Eileen

[Suzanne]

Her doc told her to avoid stress so telling her anything about this side of me is a complete non-starter.. If her health was good and I had a solution for my problem, I might have considered telling her but neither is the case I'm afraid. I wouldn't ever dump something like this on her.
I do cherish my wife.. of course I do - she's the most important part of my life - but that doesn't stop my alter ego from rattling the bars..

[Kelly]

Can't imagine, Suzan, what you are dealing with. I might crumble in the same circumstances.

Yes, the urges to cross dress, or the thoughts of full time/transition are constant and even overwhelming. Come here to share them. That is what we are here for. Continue to get them out. Relieve the stress.

For now, outside of the online existence there are other more life defining issues to deal with.

You have assessed that your wife wouldn't be accepting. She is currently fighting a recurrence of cancer. She shouldn't be exposed to stress right now. You controlling your impulses is the right thing to do.

You have said you consider possible futures to some end. That is actually a good thing to do (so long as you don't obsess, of course). So what are the outcomes? A) Survival. Best possible outcome. Then future has what it has, and maybe there is a time you can come out of the closet. I have known cancer survivors whose attitudes become enjoy what life presents me with happiness. I pray this happens for you. B) Worst case. It is terminal. Sorry to be blunt; but I'm blunt. Then, ask how will she die remembering you? Your choice to stay in the closet is the right one. So your doing all the right things. The turmoil is painful, but you'll get over it. Persevere.

Take care of your wife and be femme when you can. Cherish the things you are able to do, instead of lamenting the things you cannot do.

Wisest of words.

but that doesn't stop my alter ego from rattling the bars..

Yea, the bars are rattling. But remember that character emerges in times of stress and conflict.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Embrace what ever it may be - when it come; but embrace more what you have today - now.

All my love,
Kelly.

[Suzanne]

Thanks for those kind words Kelly.. it's not an easy row to hoe.. but I'm determined not to put any additional stress on my wife.
If one day I will be alone, then that's something else but for the time being I am happy to support her 1000%.. and I would never do anything to put her happiness and peace of mind in jeopardy.
Thanks again,
Suzanne

[Eileen (SO)]

I can't imagine having cancer and avoiding stress at the same time. Sometimes doctor's orders make little common sense. This might be a good time to take that vacation you both wished you had time for.

Since you first started this conversation just a few posts ago, I wonder now about my response back then as more became known. Most people faced with their own mortality become more accepting to the vast variety of human natures. Enjoying life above all else. Cross Dressing does no harm, within limits of each partner's comfort of course.

A frustrated CD will seem distant or irritable, unable to be the caring partner they should be. An ill partner needs comfort from their spouse without the feeling that they would rather be somewhere, or with someone else. If there is any suspicion at all on her part, even when she says not, I think she would rather know some of the truth. Enough truth to ensure her that your relationship is as secure as ever.

Eileen

[Carol Ann]

Well for what it's worth Carol Ann has been fighting two kinds of cancer, bone and prostate for nearly a year now and there is no stress in my live even through I had to put the wife into a home .

Life is what it is so why let it get you down, I still dress and enjoy what time I have, now the wife has a little stress as she worries about me to much and as she said " we all come and we all go".

Peace be with you and enjoy life

[Eileen (SO)]

What a wonderful out look to live by, Carol Ann. Your inner peace and strength is an inspiration.

Eileen

[Paulette]

So sorry to here about your wife's cancer, Suzanne, and about your circumstances with your wife in a care home and yourself not doing well either., Carol Anne.

Suzanne, I'd urge you to not consider your CD as a separate entity or an alter ego. You are one, and we love and honor that one, as should you. Keeping such a secret is stressful in itself, but understandable in your circumstances.

Carol Ann, your Zenish equanimity is admirable - I've tried to develop something similar, but I'm a long way from achieving peace.

My best wishes and concern for you both. Please take care of yourselves - all of you.