What is the most difficult aspect of being the SO of a CDer?

[CherylM]

I have nothing but respect and gratitude for the SO's of individuals who are involved in CDing. Is there any secret for your coping skills? What is the most difficult aspect of living with the phenomenon? What do you do to live your lives with your partner? I am keenly interested, I want my wife to be able to cope.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Cheryl -

Thank you for your kind words!

The secret for my coping skills?!? There is no secret, nor do I consider it coping!! I am completely in love with both Virginia and her male alter ego and, therefore, fully love and accept them and what they bring into our relationship. I benefit by having both the "big, strong, macho male" and a best girlfriend who loves to do all the "girly" things with me.

The only "problem" that Virginia and I ever experience is we generally wear the same size in skirts, slacks, slips and panties. The problem, then, you ask? Definitely not the lack of a wardrobe, for our wardrobe (and jewelry and purse collection) has doubled. No, the only problem comes when we both want to wear the *same* skirt or slacks. We have already agreed that which ever one of us lays claim to an item first is the one who gets to wear it or use it. However, just this past Friday I was going to wear an angora and cashmere sweater and Virginia was going to wear the "perfect" angora/cashmere skirt that matched my sweater. Virginia graciously chose to wear another skirt and she let me wear her skirt that matched my sweater. Compromise, ah, yes, that does help quite a bit!!

I have not experienced any difficult aspect of living with Virginia, and I hope that never happens. We have mutual love and respect for each other, we talk to each other, and we do not keep any secrets. So for us, there is no "coping" - just complete love and acceptance!

I love Virginia and B, and they love me, and together we will hold hands and enjoy our Magical Mystery Tour!!



- SL

[SilverLady(SO)]

Cheryl -

Virginia and I were just talking about your query, and several months ago one of the girls' SO (and I believe it was Jessica Karen's SO) asked what might be considered the ultimate question: "What's in it for me?"

If you can bring your SO to ask that question, and if you can have an acceptable response - which means you need to understand what *she* wants (ie, a sister, girlfriend, etc.) - then I believe that this can go a long way to solving your dilemma. This would also mean that your SO is willing to sit down and talk with you about it, and at least try to come to some sort of acceptable arrangement.

Acceptance and tolerance are two entirely different things. Be willing to compromise, but do not issue any ultimatums, nor do you give in to any ultimatums. That results in a no-win situation, for neither one of you will be happy and, ultimately, you will both be very unhappy and frustrated with your home situation.

Keep the lines of communication open, and be honest with yourself and in your answers to any of her questions, of which she will have many. Invite her to join the forum, where she can be in contact with other SO's and post in the private SO-only section. She can also learn - and come to a better understanding of CD's in general - by reading the posts from the CD's, too.

Baby steps, honey, baby steps - - and do keep us posted!



- SL

[Stormy(SO)]

Ah, everything that SL is saying is so very true. I also don't feel I'm coping. I got the sister I never had and we're having a blast just living together more deeply, more fully, etc. Fear is the biggest obstacle to understanding....and we fear the unknown the most. I think the question I see most often from the SO's is - will this change our relationship and I think in most cases it does change the relationship however I think it changes it for the better - not worse. Missy's work will never tolerate a CDer and I doubt his two grown sons would understand either. Actually the oldest might but the middle son would definitely freak. There is also an exwife that would love to make a mountain out of any mole hill. Anyway, I digress.....the point that both SL and Virginia make is communication. It is essential - and if you have good communication the rest will come.

Keep us posted and if your SO has any questions she can pm me or join us to talk.

Stormy

[Jess(SO)]

Love, is the main ingredient here, the other thing that helps is the refusal to blame every little hiccup on cding, cding is a part of who my partner, as is the fact that he plays golf and pool is an employee (you get the idea ).

Sure we have had our arguments over cding, but mainly the communication or rather lack of, was the key there, for others it's the need for speed, when somebody else knows - the cdr can then go into accelerated mode, without trying to give their SO breathing space to come to terms with the dynamics of the change in your relationship. Each of us have our own comfort Zones and any attempt ot push these by either party can cause havoc so baby steps and communication are the major keys along with a good solid dose of love.

Jess

[Terri(SO)]

For the most part I do not consider CD difficult. It makes Maria happy and that makes us both happy. If anything is less than fine it would be the time it takes to dress up (and lipstick- bleah!). I am a very impatient person and it takes 45 min to an hour to 'create' Maria. I get dressed and ready in about 15 min and I'm gone. The Maria thing is so ritualized it tries my limited patience.
Dressing does not consume all the energy of our relationship, its only a part of it.

[Lisa(SO)]

Ditto to everything that has been said!! I love my husband...and that means all of him. I also doubled my wardrobe and get great makeup tips. I am like Terri. I get ready in 15 minutes and Elayn takes FOREVER. Everything has to be perfect. Our bedroom looks like a tornado hit it after she finishes getting dressed. The bathroom looks like WWIII. I would not trade it for the world though. We keep our communication lines open and put one foot in front of the other.

Lisa

[MLee(SO)]

I have nothing but respect and gratitude for the SO's of individuals who are involved in CDing. Is there any secret for your coping skills? What is the most difficult aspect of living with the phenomenon? What do you do to live your lives with your partner? I am keenly interested, I want my wife to be able to cope.

I only found out a few weeks ago after living together for nearly two years and planning to marry soon.

For us once it came out into the open he stepped back and allowed me to digest what information I got. He encouraged me to seek answers to what I was feeling with caution but seek it.
He gave it to me in baby steps and allowed me to take it in as I could. This was not easy for him either. His timid honesty and forth coming with answers to my questions, brief, as not to overwhelm me was, in my humble opinion, was the best way for me.
I tried to listen and took the time to cry and feel all the feelings this brings to a SO.
He has suffered much over the years in family and relationships rejection and from that he learned a ‘all in your face’ sort of speak did not work.
We took it slow and did not hide what either of us felt keeping in mind the others feelings no matter what they were. Talk, talk, talk, with breaks in between to absorb what was said. We still talk, about everything and that is what keeps us together, honesty with out lies or hiding or deceit.

I in return tried to lovingly understand his plight and made the effort to listen even through the shock and feelings I had. My feelings have been like a yo yo to be honest. But my love for him made me think deeply about what was in store for us as a couple. I know we are taught that boys don’t cry and play with trucks, that girls dress in lace and pretty lingerie. But in my generation, I grew up in not being allowed to wear pants in school until things began to change for the girls. Now we wear jeans and things reserved at that time for boys only. A double standard I think…eh?

I feel in my heart, it is not what is warn but what is beneath the wrappings. Wrappings can fool you. A person can drive a fancy car and own nothing else, live like a pauper but have a fancy car pmt that they struggle to make.

So if I can offer any advice here it would be; As a CD shares that part of him, try to look at it as certainly different then what we are socially taught and it takes time to adjust to what is different.
No matter the subject matter, as a couple, no one is perfect, there is no such thing, and we all have our little faults and quirks and baggage. That what you see, is not always what you get. But if you try and make an effort to understand with love in your heart, things can work out between you.
Things still come up and always will as we grow and change in our selves over the years together. Relationships take work no matter what the relationship. It never comes easy, anything including raising children that don’t come with instruction booklets.
I wish the best for you and yours

[Georgia(SO)]

Hi CherylM,

You asked a couple of difficult questions. Let me back up for a moment. Many of the SOs on this forum enjoy their sweetie's CDing and participate in it to some extent. Some freak out. The rest of us, including me, don't particularly enjoy it, but don't consider it to be a burden or that our guy is doing anything wrong.

So, *coping* is not a factor for me. *Coping* implies that I'm giving up something in order to deal with something unpleasant. And that is not the case. I simply recognize that he enjoys something that I don't enjoy, he's turned on by something that doesn't turn me on, and that this is ok. I also recognize that I don't have to be an active participant in order to be accepting. Acceptance does not mean that I have to enjoy it. It simply means that I accept that this is who he is. And he accepts that this is who I am.

As such, there is nothing special I do to live my life with him. He chooses to be discreet when he dresses, for reasons that have little to do with me personally. (It has more to do with his femme side wanting to be the only female in the room...).

As for the most difficult aspect of this? *That* is a valid question. For me, and for me only, it is that I always feel like there are 3 people in our relationship. His female side is distinctly different from his male side, and it often feels like she and I are sharing him. That gets old and I feel jealous. This is where the difference between logic and gut feelings comes in.

Logically, there's nothing particularly to be jealous of. So what if she has nicer clothes than I do? She's a clothes horse; I'm not. She bought her stuff before we were together - I bought my stuff before we were together. Yes, I can go buy things that are as nice as hers - but man, I feel awfully silly doing this to compete with the woman in my guy's body. And logically, I know that She is not taking Him away from me. That they are one and the same. That isn't how it *feels* however.

I can choose how I want to respond - do I want to respond to the gut feelings or do I want to respond to the logical thought? I choose to respond to the logic. That does not mean that I don't sometimes privately feel jealous of his femme side. But it does mean that I don't express it and I don't try to force her out of his life.

works for us...
-g(so)

[Virginia]

Georgia,
You are one awesome lady!!!
Virginia

[Georgia(SO)]

Thanks....

-g, blushing and curtseying graciously...

[Lisa(SO)]

Well said Georgia!

[Jess(SO)]

*Coping* implies that I'm giving up something in order to deal with something unpleasant. (so)

sometimes like today, I am just coping, and today I am giving or being forced by his actions to give up my sense of peace to deal with yet anopther aspect of his cding ( and trust me today it is his cding). Tommorow or the day after that I will probably be back on the road walking with him but today is not a good day.

Jess

[Curly(SO)]

Hi Jess,

I'm so sorry you are having a bad day

love,
Curly .

[Alora (SO)]

Hi, Cheryl -

Thank you for your kind words!

The secret for my coping skills?!? There is no secret, nor do I consider it coping!! I am completely in love with both Virginia and her male alter ego and, therefore, fully love and accept them and what they bring into our relationship. I benefit by having both the "big, strong, macho male" and a best girlfriend who loves to do all the "girly" things with me.

The only "problem" that Virginia and I ever experience is we generally wear the same size in skirts, slacks, slips and panties. The problem, then, you ask? Definitely not the lack of a wardrobe, for our wardrobe (and jewelry and purse collection) has doubled. No, the only problem comes when we both want to wear the *same* skirt or slacks. We have already agreed that which ever one of us lays claim to an item first is the one who gets to wear it or use it. However, just this past Friday I was going to wear an angora and cashmere sweater and Virginia was going to wear the "perfect" angora/cashmere skirt that matched my sweater. Virginia graciously chose to wear another skirt and she let me wear her skirt that matched my sweater. Compromise, ah, yes, that does help quite a bit!!

I have not experienced any difficult aspect of living with Virginia, and I hope that never happens. We have mutual love and respect for each other, we talk to each other, and we do not keep any secrets. So for us, there is no "coping" - just complete love and acceptance!

I love Virginia and B, and they love me, and together we will hold hands and enjoy our Magical Mystery Tour!!



- SL

I think you are very fortunate that you have that relationship. His male side is what he would like
to see disappear forever and leave Gwen alive and strong. I love the male side of him immensely.
He is the person that I originally married. I don't want to lose that husband,lover, and friend.
Gwen is also a good friend, lover and wife to me. There is my dilemma -- how to support Gwen
without killing my husband..