Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

A special place to remember our members, their partners, and their children who have passed away.

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Anne Bonny
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Location: The Gulf Coast

Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thanks. I have never been so isolated and alone in my entire life it is really hard because I have never had the social instincts or drive to reach out and make friends. I am therefore alone.
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Stephanie M
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Stephanie M »

Hi Anne, sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine going through what you have.
Well, we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out
And show ourselves when everyone has gone
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Anne Bonny
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thanks Stephanie. It has been an awful decade, and I will never forget the last few days of my wife's life as every two hours I was giving sublingual Morphine alternating every two hours with Morphine and Lorazepam half CC of each for nearly 3 day day and night as I witnessed her gasping ineffective agonal breaths 6 to 8 times per minute only alive due to the oxygen flowing in to her lungs via nasal cannula. Each breath I hurt as if I were being whipped by a lash in my heart as she struggled I knew her accessory muscles would eventually wear out and that would be it... down to the Saturday Morning of her Birthday at 10am with the gentle rise and fall of her balled up tongue in her gaping mouth ceased and she was pronounced with all of us around her in our master bedroom at home.... It was truly horrible ...when you love someone and are forced to watch them suffer though the medication kept her unconscious and peaceful from all I could tell...I will never forget the horror of it but she did die in as peaceful a way as I could have expected.
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Rikki
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Rikki »

My thoughts are with you, Anne.

Be strong.

Rikki
Be safe, Be frilled
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Anne Bonny
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Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 9:22 am
Location: The Gulf Coast

Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thanks Rikki...I am slowly beginning to crawl my way back toward life, I am not entirely sure what that will look like I only know I have to start with things I have always enjoyed and I also have to travel some to get out of this hole so that I will be able to vacate and rejuvinate and to feel that I am making a break so that when I return I can begin to find ways to be involved be that in a college class...or in a volunteer situation...or involvement in some social group or activity...work??? well only if it is something that I view as low stress and fun...Breathing....time and distance...the memories and the love and loss will always be but I can and will find my way back into a happy life. Anne
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KimberlyS
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by KimberlyS »

Anne have you thought about see if there is a support group in your area for the loss of a spouse. I have heard they can be a good group to be involved with as they help you to deal with the loss and get back into life.
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I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
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Anne Bonny
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Anne Bonny »

The one through the hospice contacted me once but never got back...the social worker did come once week or two after the funeral. I am in a sense fighting and crawling and making myself start doing things I used to enjoy...trip soon to Gulf Shores...with my youngest son...23..., fixing up my sailboat set a date to get her to the yard so I can then hop on when I want to sail, I am making some plans, starting to act and to move.... Emotions are kind of flat, slightly up, or still down at times...and of course there is life that must be addressed bills at 1st of month, the lawn needs mowing...etc.
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KimberlyS
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by KimberlyS »

Anne yes you are doing the right things. You are getting out and doing things you have wanted to do. I just threw the support group out there because I have been told by others that they were glad they went to them. It gave them someone to talk with that was going through the same things and someone they could relate to. I even had one uncle find his current wife.
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I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
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Hanna
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Hanna »

Anne,
Sorry for your loss also. Take comfort in that you did all you possibly could to love and comfort her.
You were/are a good husband.
All that being said, it will be very interesting to see where you'll be heading in the next chapter of your life.
Hugs, and wishers for your happiness. And keep sailing.:-)
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Anne Bonny
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thanks Hanna. I am still doing everything that I can to maintain a healthy fit body it is the only one that I have until it wears out, it is essential to being able to feel good and to a continued quality of life. That is not so hard. I am meeting all of the obligations anyone has to bills, house, cars, food. The thing now is that I am in a sense having to crawl and fight to find my way out from under this tremendous loss so that I can find the diminished enjoyment life offers to someone who is isolated, alone and single. Yeah...the boat is a torch leading me out of a dark tunnel of despair and back into this life as a single woman or whoever I am fully if anything else, certainly physically male. I am going to take advantage now that I do have freedom again...to travel, to get out...hopefully find means to cross paths with and to meet other women and I suppose some men but I am not attracted to men. Am I Bi? I do not think so my entire focus and desire is to be exclusively with women and to find a new woman to be with me for the last phase of my life to the end. No marriage. So thinking I do need now to vacate, get away and out of my rut...home is not a bed place to be but I have missed a decade of getting away from my home out of my routine so that I can go to places where I can recharge my batteries. Yeah...Gulf Shores or Pensacola or just Florida are great places for this, sailing, joy rides to explore, a Cruise, visit my sisters in other states...getting involved again volunteering? Some minimal fun job? I don't know, we will see. The main thing is like the many women who came and met me here in private the sitter, hospice..and who fully accepted all of who I am not batting an eye...any woman in my personal life will have to accept me fully with absolutely no reservations in encouraging and supporting and in loving me at all times...If I am not able to find that in a woman then I am prepared to live as a single woman because I cannot be any other way than who I am...and I am a man at times too but in a more moderate way.
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Michelle Diane
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Michelle Diane »

Anne, sorry for the late reply. You have my sincere condolences for your loss as well as my thanks. Thanks for doing what you did for her when many would have opted for the easy way out.
You can rest assured that your wife, like mine, is in a better place now free of all physical pain and constraints.
Stay strong Anne,

Love,Michelle.
One wears a mask for so long you forget who you are beneath it......I've now removed my mask.
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Bernice
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Bernice »

Anne Bonny wrote:Thanks. I have never been so isolated and alone in my entire life it is really hard because I have never had the social instincts or drive to reach out and make friends. I am therefore alone.
Uuhm... hating to disagree, but at least in spirit you are not really alone. You have US! No, we can't actually hug you, in person, but we can listen really well.

Virtual hugs,

Bernice
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KimberlyS
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by KimberlyS »

Anne Bonny wrote:Thanks. I have never been so isolated and alone in my entire life it is really hard because I have never had the social instincts or drive to reach out and make friends. I am therefore alone.
Anne yes it can be hard when you loose someone. ((G)) But you need to think to yourself. Would your wife want you to be depressed, and alone the rest of your life? :huh: You have started to make some friends through the group you joined and church. You just need to keep putting your big girl panties on and get out there, and just keep doing it even though you do not want to. *-* *-* *-* *-* If you keep doing it at some point you will tell yourself what was the issue I was having.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt
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I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
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Anne Bonny
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Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 9:22 am
Location: The Gulf Coast

Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thanks...went out last night with a friend from the group...and had been out with her to dinner last week...but this is only friends and the group is not a group of people who date each other...well...a few have but it usually does not work well. I have not been given any go sign from this person ... it is just being friendly and going out so that we do not have to be alone.

I do not know if lightning with ever strike for me... but I am and will continue to go out and to participate. Have renewed my Nursing License through CEU's through 31 Dec of 2020...having an active license means there are options and possibilities though no plans at present it just makes me feel that I am somebody...I do have a profession. The Church...as an agnostic...Episcopal LGBT+ it is nearly 100% but there are some straight people there...two or 3...I am straight but fluid/trans broadly. I will keep chipping away.

“Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.” (I don't know who said this, but I saw it attributed to Christopher Walken).

A favorite quote. I know I am only 6 months out and it will take months more time before I am at a point to dance on enhancing my performance and the authenticity of my character...
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KimberlyS
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Re: Wife Has Passed Away - Post fka 'Pierced Ears...'

Post by KimberlyS »

Anne do not worry at this point about finding someone. Just get out and have some fun. Enjoy yourself and get out of the stuffy house. Fun with friends is a great time.
Site Administrator

I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
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