JenniferMu.(GG)

[Amelie-Laveau]

This is so tragic, so sad.

[Marda]

Silverlady, What an unhappy duty you have done by announcing this very tragic news.and, Maria, thanks for your touching comments
this is a truly sad story and as with many others here,I'm feeling somewhat of a personal loss.

I'm also reminded of a situation a few years ago with a friend when her only daughter, who was deeply involved with "Penpal friends" in a couple of online communities, but lived with feelings of such despair and so much lonliness and trouble that she took her own life one night . it underlined for me the importance of direct personal relationships with friends and family and as much as I value this particular and very special online community right here and think of all you as members of my own family with whom I can share secrets and gather encouragement and support for my whole being, the fact is, thatI, Marda am completely unknown to everybody in my 3D life and everybody here therefore takes on a special importance that I don't have outside, in the "Real" world ,

Now, especially for all of you regular members here , but also for the intended benefit of anyone looking in, and with deepest respect for Jennifer and in her memory, I offer some thoughts based on personal experience.
several years ago, for a variety of reasons, I suffered some deep inner trouble and had a very close brush with accidental, attempted suicide, beginning with severe panic attacks and advancing into clinical psychosis ... through counselling and a guided process of getting my life back onto a more even keel, I learned the importance of calling for help when things would get tough ... my suggestion and encouragement to anyone who has thoughts of harming themselves is to get to a hospital emergency and ask for a psychiatric nurse asap. it's not an easy process, but I'm thankful that there were some good nurses around to help me and eventually , a good doctor and a very good community mental health counselling program for me to participate in ... eventually, after I "got right" with other people again, I had a chance to "get right " with myself and shortly thereafter with special thanks to this wonderful forum and all of you fine cyberfriends, Marda was able to "surface".


Jennifer, I 'm so sorry for what troubled you and for how badly you must have come to feel."Rest in Peace", seems to be so too little, and so too late, but as the universe unfolds, I trust that your eternal spirit will gather and understand how heartfelt my thoughts and my reflections of you now are.

, Marda

[Allena]

I've been reading the old posts again.

I realized my memory of when I first met Jennifer here is wrong.
She came here in April of 05 and I first replied to her postings in June of 05.

I think I mentioned having known her for 4 yrs... sure seems that long if not longer.

I still miss her alot. I've been trying to get the picture she sent me, off my other computer, but have not been successful yet.

I have sent her emails also. It helps.. writing to her.. then hitting the send button.
I know it's not just sitting on my computer never going anywhere.

She celebrated a birthday not long ago. Still so young. I have had a chance to see some of what she wrote in her last letter... she seemed to be just too tired and in too much pain to go on. She seemed resigned that she was doing the best thing. Just from the few words I have read, she seemed at peace with her decision... it was not impulsive.

Makes me wonder where the signs were... what did I overlook?
Why didn't I write more those last days bugging her until she wrote back and explained things.

She wrote me after she moved back home. Then I didn't hear from her... I just thought she was not able to get online for some reason. I sent her an email a little bit ago asking where she was.... she was gone by then.

I'm not angry with her. I am sad to think that she couldn't hold on any longer.
But who am I to say that I know better than her? I have certainly told her that she was going to do well with her attitude and drive. I read about her plans. If she had told me what she was ultimately going to do, I would have tried to stop her. But I believe she would have told me she was doing the right thing... for her father, her mother, her sister, and her boyfriend. She took too much blame for the things that other people close to her were going through. She did not deserve any of that blame.

Guess I'm just kinda rambling on here.... sorry.

I haven't been here for quite sometime.. posting, that is.
I do drop by once-in-a-while.
I still think this is a wonderful place, and you all are wonderful people.
So many of you, and especially the few here that kept up personal contact, looked after Jennifer... answered her posts, offered her advice, and just gave her voice for things she could not voice elsewhere.

For her short life, I think the people here helped her so much. You all are special people.

[Marda]

Allena,
thank you for your comments and thoughts, and please accept my thanks for your patience with mine, this must be such a sensitive and difficult time and situation for you because of your relationship with Jennifer . Of course, I offer you my most heartfelt thoughths and feelings at this time
, Marda

[Absaroka]

deleted by Absaroka

[Celia]

I've wanted to say something - anything. But the words don't come easy. Particularly under these circumstances. I just couldn't think of anything at all - then I saw the name "In Loving Memory". I looked over at my caddy and dusted off an old CD by a band called Big Wreck - In Loving Memory Of . . . . Kind of brings back good memories. I hope the good memories persist.

Some people commit suicide as the most bitterly spiteful act that they can carry out. Some just perceive that they are backed into an intolerable corner and can see no other way out. I suppose people might find some other cause to do such a drastic thing. Those left behind just have to make what they can of a bad situation.

-Celia

[Allena]

Having exchanged pm's with Absaroka, I will follow her in removing this post of mine.

I respect Absaroka, and realize that through this medium, our words can be hard to interpret in the manner the original poster desired.

I have been in contact with MOD, as Silver Lady calls her, and because of what I know about Jenny, and what MOD has shared with me I have been sensitive to anything that sounds as though Jenny was being judged.

I offer my apologies for taking this thread off in a direction it was not intended for.
This is still such a hard thing for me to accept.. the loss of Jenny.
But I will try to temper my reactions with respect to you all here.

Thank you.

[SilverLady(SO)]

I wish to remind everyone here that this is a In Loving Memory thread and section . . . this will not turn into a discussion about death, suicide, and the like. I am not saying that suicide is right or wrong, that others are not affected by the act, that the act itself is (or isn't) selfish or self-centered. What I am saying is that the discussion belongs elsewhere on the Forum.


We know that Jenny had thought long and hard about her decision to end her life. She made the decision about one year ago that this is what she would have to do, although she did not have a 'date' set . . . when the time was right, she would know. Jenny did what she felt she had to do to make things 'right' . . . for her family, her ex-boyfriend, her best friends, and lastly for herself.

Jenny did not tell anyone about her decision, not even her very best friend with whom she never kept any secrets . . . well, no secrets except for this one. Jenny left very long, detailed letters to her family and her best friend, who I will refer to as MOD, before she died. In her letter to MOD, she asked that MOD notify the 3 members of this Forum that she was closest to about her death so that we would know what happened, so we were not left wondering why Jenny was not answering any of our letters nor posting on the Forum.

MOD has been reading these posts, and she's very hurt by some of the comments that have been made; I know they were not intentional. She related to me that if Jenny only had one dollar in her pocket and someone asked for some money, she would give them 80 cents. She always put others ahead of herself. To know Jenny was to love her . . . and we loved her.


Rest in Peace, sweet Jenny . . . Rest in Peace.


- SL and Virginia

[CJ]

Jennifer,

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and how you felt this was the only way to make the pain, to make your life, go away. For one brief moment in time--now lost to me, to you--I wish with all my heart and soul that I could have looked into your eyes and cupped my hands around your soul and whisper, "Shhhh... sweet child, it's going to be alright."

We spoke with each other only once or twice--seems like two lifetimes ago, now--but your intelligence, your wit, your passion, your maturity--so astonishing to me in one so young--left a mark on my heart. And that mark now burns with the pain of longing for what can no longer ever be.

We spoke with each other only once or twice, yet those several hundred words... and thoughts... and feelings... allowed us to recognize in each other what is most human in every one of us, here below.

I read over what you so bravely and generously offered of yourself here, on this forum, and want you to know that, then as now, you've changed who I am. You've made me think, made me laugh, made me oh! so sad, too. Though it may be selfish on my part, I can only hope that you took away with you something good that I may have given you, something good that my sisters here--Allena, Stephanie, SilverLady, and others--may have given you.

There are no words other than: you will be sorely, sorely missed. No, that's not true. There are better words: I will sorely, sorely miss you.

Love always,
Christina

[Absaroka]

I had not realized that "MOD" would be reading these posts and if I had I would not have posted my thoughts on suicide here. I apologize for any hurt I have caused people, that was not my intention. I posted what I did because I know that other people here have at times felt very desparate, as have I, and the things I posted were thoughts that I personally have found helpful to me in this area.

Absaroka

[Robyn Katie]

My heart is full. I came to this beautiful place well after Jennifer had taken her life.

I've been reading old threads to learn more about this wonderful forum and the people on it. I started reading JenniferMu's account of her family crisis and it grew on me that she was dead ... the rest in peace in the lefthand column. I became riveted by her story. Wept my way through her plea and her tragedy. And finally figured out where to look for news of how she died.

I am overcome by all of it, including you ladies' heroic, heartfelt efforts to help her. I am so so sorry she could not bear to survive longer. Her intelligence, her grace, her wry wit, everything made a personality of her such as I think we rarely see anywhere.

What a terrible loss. I'm late in saying it, late in learning about it, but my heart is full and though late, I mourn her. I can't help but leave this token of my love in her memory.

She is a reminder that love and death are close, and that what we -- CDers, boyfriends, men -- do to and with our beloved women, even in innocence, gladness and the mere moment, can have unknowable effects. And that some willows, instead of bending, break.

Sadly, Robyn Katie

[Stephanie W]

ONE YEAR ON...........

Remembering our little Adopted Princess.

It's hard to believe this world has been without you for a year already. Memories of hearing the news of such a tragic loss are still so vivid in my mind, but I take comfort from knowing that your memory lives on in all of us.

Jennifer, we'll never forget you sweetheart. Miss you.

Stephanie