1st time out the door

[Diana Michelle]

A recent thread here as well as conversations that have taken place with girls I correspond with have gotten me to thinking. Add in personal circumstances and the current stay at home orders due to the pandemic sweeping across the country have given more time on my hands than usual. While I have used some of that time to get certain things accomplished I have been putting off I have found myself at times sitting and thinking back over my life and certain incidents. One thing I seemed to think about more than others in recent days is my early days. That includes back to those days I didn't know or was just questioning that I was more than a CD. Lot of good times back then along with some not so good. The one thing that I have gone over and over in my mind is my first time out the door.

Like most girls I had dreamed of the day I could go into the world. To see the light through mascara coated eyelashes, feel the breeze on my hose encased legs, maybe even taste a Coke or coffee as it passed over lipstick coated lips. TBH I had plotted and planned this outing and more than once got dressed and even made it to the door but for whatever reason, mostly fear, I never went through the door and retreated to the sanctuary of my condo. Then came that fateful day, well actually night.

It was early April 1976. The weather had finally started to turn nice after a brutal winter. I got home that Friday night and changed to a skirt and vest set with a turtleneck sweater. Not sure why but I opted for a pair of heeled sandals rather than the boots I usually wore with this outfit. A different look but right in style I thought as I checked myself in the mirror. As was my routine on Fridays after dinner I sat down at my kitchen table and made out some bills that were due. This was long before the internet so we would get our bills in the mail and then have to mail a check back in payment. It was a much more involved process than just the few simple mouse clicks. You would have to take the bill from the envelope, make out a check, tear apart the bill then stuff the appropriate piece into the envelope provided along with the check. Then you would have to write you return address on the envelope, put a stamp on it and seal it up, and eventually have to drop it in the mailbox.

I finished my bill paying routine and set them aside to drop in the mailbox probably tomorrow I figured. I poured myself a drink and sat down to watch TV. As I sat there my eyes were on the TV but my mind was elsewhere. It kept drifting to the pile of bills on the kitchen table and they needed to be mailed. I wish I could tell you the number of times I had thought of going out dressed, even a few times reaching the door only to turn back in fear. What if someone saw me? What if the car broke down? Even what if I got pulled over by the cops? I remember the 11:00 news coming on and I was well into my second bourbon but the thought of going out kept nagging at me.

Don't ask me what it was exactly but I got up and put my wallet and keys in a purse. I checked my make up before making my way back to the kitchen. I grabbed the bills laying there and slid them into my purse. I walked to the door and put my hand on the door handle and froze. I had been here several times before but for some reason couldn't bring myself to turn that handle and open the door. Can you really do it this time Diana or are you going to chicken out like before? I took a deep breath, turned the handle and quickly pulled it open before I lost my nerve. I stood there for a second just staring out at my car in the parking lot maybe 50 feet or so from where I stood motionless. It's now or never Diana!

In spite of the cool air I was sweating, my heart was racing, and my stomach doing back flips as I stepped on the porch and pulled the door closed. In spite of wearing heels for a few years I almost fell flat on my face as I took those first few steps. My breathing was heavy and I felt like I was going to throw up. I am kidding myself I kept telling myself yet I continued to take step after step as I walked to my car. In spite of my physical reactions I felt the cool breeze as it wafted across my nylon encased legs and made the hem of my skirt flutter and it was so invigorating.

I had my car keys in my hand and quickly unlocked it and got in. It took me a few seconds to get my skirt untwisted and properly situated. This is insane I kept telling myself. Something is going to happen and you are going to be splashed across the headlines of the local newspaper. Get your butt back inside where you belong kept running through my mind yet I started the car. As I was pulling out of the parking lot another car was pulling in. I didn't recognize it but while not completely unique my car was somewhat distinctive so if there was anyone from the condo complex in that car they knew it was me. What if they saw me and how I was dressed complete with wig and make up? What are they thinking? What are they going to say to me or worse my neighbors? Part of me wanted to run away and hide forever yet I calmly turned on the street.

As it was probably close to midnight or perhaps even a little after there was not much traffic. My knees trembled as I worked the clutch, not an easy task in heels, wending my way to the local post office which was maybe 2 miles from my condo. The post office was on the main drag but fortunately they had recently installed a chute where you could put your mail in without getting out of your car. Mission accomplished!

As I started back home I saw an all night gas station and glanced down at the gas gauge which was just over a quarter of a tank. I thought for a second about stopping and filling up but I was not ready to be face to face with someone. This was long before pay at the pump technology. I proceeded home and pulled back into my parking space. Yes my heart was still racing and I was scared someone was going to see me but I very casually walked from the car to my door. OMG I am safe again I thought as I closed the door and threw the deadbolt. Nothing happened!

As I sit here and reminisce about that night a smile comes to me but not sure it even comes close to the smile that stared back at me from the mirror that night as I got ready for bed. As I laid in bed that night I thought to myself what were you so scared about? Everything came across without a hitch. Also as I laid there I began to think about when and where next? Not sure I was ready to actually step out into the sunlight but maybe another midnight run? One thing I did know for sure was although this was my first time it was not going to be my last.

Well there for what it is worth is Reader's Digest version of my first time through the door. I have tried to recount it as accurately as I remember it though I am sure over time some thoughts, emotions and actions are dimmed while others accentuated. If any of you girls would like to share your experience I would love to hear about it as I am sure others would as well.

[Anthony Simon]

That's a very nice story...but...

I haven't actually been out dressed up. No, not strictly true. I've tried a few times going up the road late at night. It never worked - there was always this strange incoherence to the thing. Like I certainly couldn't walk in the heels - which, once you're out of the house, becomes a determining factor. But it was the way the whole thing wasn't fitting together that bugged me - like there was a lack of integrity to me doing this and therefore I shouldn't do it.

I don't know what that is. I know I once looked out of the (1st floor) window dressed up and this woman came past and gave me this smile - so I think I must have passed (at least from a distance).

[DonnaT]

I went out to the back yard to play on the tree swing, wearing a black skirt and white peasant blouse. No wig. Age 10.

Fully fem with wife's wig and makeup, age 21. Went for a walk in a neighborhood across from the apartments I lived in in Temple TX.

[Estefania]

My first time out...

I had moved into Memphis from Mexico, invited to work here. Remember the infamous “Y2K bug”?

After a few months, my wife went to stay with her mom for 4 months. The guys who had come here with me recruited from the same company had just moved out of town, so I basically didn’t know anybody, which also meant that basically nobody knew me either! So, one evening after being chatting online with friends and reading about the great time they had going out it clicked in me... why not give it a try?

So, that night it was my first late night drive. I can’t say that I hesitated at the door... I didn’t. We were living in an apartment with a nice design which allowed people go directly from their front door to the garage door without have any risk of bumping with anybody else. So I made it to my car, and drove out from the ‘burbs to the downtown area, and back. Very uneventful... and meh! There was zero interaction with anybody, no “passing” excitement as described by my friends, etc.

Anyway, the next late night drive I did what many would do... stopped for gas. Then parked in front of an upscale shopping area and went window shopping, and finally when getting close by to my apartment, a sobriety check-stop! Yeah, a bit more than I was bargaining for... but the police officer just waved me off.

So, finally about one month later, my first really-real time going out! Since I was still flying high frim the previous “successes”, I decided to go to “The Mall of Memphis” on the Saturday before Valentine’s day 1998. Parked art one end of the mall, walked in, all the way to the other end, went up the stairs, and walked my way back to my car. About halfway I noticed that I was almost running, and decided that I should slow down and just enjoy being one of those who was out “passing”. (Oh you better believe that the concept of “passing” and “being passable” has evolved eons in my mind!

So, after that I finally looked up for other locals and attended a few meetings, traveled some, made lots of friends (lost touch with most of them by now, sadly). I have lived many things, I have many memories, many regrets, many moments of joy too... I hope I have been able to help some on their journey, etc. Life goes on, and I hope we all will live to get back to “normal” and be able to enjoy life without fear...

Love
Gaby