Who Do I See in the Mirror

[Nicci]

I was awakened by Thunder in the early morning darkness, listening to raindrops pattering the Palm trees beside my window. I watched the dawn reluctantly creep into view under leaden skies as curtains of rain marched across the water. I lay in bed...alone, and empty inside with a longing for strong arms wrapped around me, my long hair cascading across his chest, my head on his shoulder, warm and wanted...and desired, with an inner understanding that I wanted to please "him", which would please me...my breath catching in my throat , a smoldering fire of passion within me, wanting to be taken, appreciated and enjoyed as a woman. But that it was not to be. There was no him.
There was only me...in the dark.

I lay there, for a long time, luxuriating in the feel of my smoothly shaved legs against satin sheets, the push of my bra-filled breasts in "form" against my arm as I lay on my side, the smoothe slide of my rear in satin tap pants to match my camisole as I unfolded across cool satin ...the lingering smell of my perfume applied before I retired to bed, reminding me of who I am and where I am going.

I had work to do. Business work. Desk and office work, that I can do at home today. Phone, fax or internet, the other end can't tell if I'm wearing a Tux or a Teddy. So, today I'm Nicci.
Showered and shaved ( in spite of the laser hair treatments in progress, I still have a lot of Real Estate to manage...) and dressed. Dressed in a dress. Put on pantyhose for the first time. Very sheer and look fabulous, but a lot of work. Black bra filled with forms, a snug black corset, and a form fitted snug "fingertip length" dress of black with pink side panels, and matching pink 4in heels. The hose are so sheer and silky slick that my left shoe wants to slide off when I walk, so I'm taking the correct small steps, with practiced appropriate hip and rear movement. My wife says these will get me into a lot of trouble some day. I wondering about that. I'm in my "Nicci" wig, of very long silver grey natural hair that sways nicely when I walk, drapes my shoulders seductively, and drops long sweeping bangs across my eyes that both irritate me and enthrall me. Capped it all off with a medium long strand of grey Pearls and matching dangling clip-on earrings that keep getting caught in my hair, but I really don't mind. Seems like a naturally "really vain girl" thing to contend with. Ok. A single minute commute to work for the day, grabbing "a cup" on the way. It has been a very good day for me...successful, productive and very personally satisfying. As the rains continues to pour.

I walked to the front door a few minutes ago, to look out at the deluge pouring off the eaves in torrents, passing a full length mirror. On my way back, I stopped to check my lipstick ( pink, and it still looks fine...) but for some reason I got caught up in what I saw, taking a hard introspective look at the image of what is, blended with what I want to become. And I was shocked.
I'm thin...I look thin at 6'3" and 197 lbs, now wearing a size 10 skirt. My face is thin, with prominent cheekbones that look pretty good highlighted in copper bronze powder artfully applied. My 42DD boobs fill out my dress very nicely, in good proportion to the rest of my body. When the real ones come home, I should fill out a snug sweater very well, which is my ambition and a hard-won goal. My waist is shrinking still, with my hips becoming more prominent ( which I have been dying to achieve. Think "Hunger Games") My legs are thin, trim, svelte and shapely without the typical "man muscle" and look pretty good in a skirt. I get whistled at sometimes walking to the mailbox down the drive.
My eyes are clear and bright, my complexion looks nicely smoothe with very few wrinkles, thanks to lucky genes, religious moisturizing, and expensive makeup. And I realize...with a real certainty, that I can do this. I can become the woman I need and want to be. I can " feminize" my face, add some significant silicone implants to the front, smoothe my voice some more, and walk outside in the bright light of day, with confidence and pleasing appearance, a nice sway in my walk, cute curves and shape, womanly gestures that now come easily and unbidden. Happily.
And I'm now thinking... a redhead.

I have decided that my hazel eyes and complexion would be well suited to being a redhead...with long flowing hair that begs attention and to have hands run thru it while being sensuously kissed by a man... a tall man. A real man... that sees and appreciates the "real woman" in me, standing before him, against him...laying beside him. ( my wife is strongly encouraging me to begin dating men, carefully and without marital consequence. I'm still confused and anxious over this emerging circumstance. She has even shopped a few for me, but I have yet to cross the threshold to take even the smallest first step(s). Just not "ready" I suppose. Though I seen to be getting closer, by the day.)

Today I see someone in the mirror I have never seen before. Not a man in a dress. A womanly person well and far on the way to finding herself, without and within. I like her. And, I'm happy with that.
She will make someone an attractive, sexy, sensuous, well adjusted, energetic, happy, healthy, playful and spontaneous play-mate, friend and possibly partner. I like her for that, as well.

I'm going back to work. I'll be productive, and a little flirty in whimsy attitude. I'll get the job done, tasks accomplished, put some money in the Bank. In the "reality" of the now, the woman is me.
I like the "woman " I see today in the mirror. She is special, in many ways. But especially, she is well on her way to being "the real deal", just not genetically. Hopefully better than the vaguaries and consequences of genetics she will prove to be a good person, emotionally empathetic, lovingly supportive of friends and any few approving Family, and she will be respected, admired and publicly accepted, as a tall, mature, interesting woman. She will "try harder". She will be smarter. She will be better than she is now, striving to be better as she navigates the life of today and the one ahead.
I will become her, and she will evolve into me. How fortunate I am, to see the way to find myself.
Today...I feel complete....even in the mirror.

Nicci

[Ralitsa]

I like this Nicci. Some interesting thoughts and ideas here.
Many times I wish I could totally embrace what I want, but always the demands of the rest of the world come back to haunt me -- to haunt us.
I don't know, does life suck because I can't totally express myself 100% of the time?? or is life great because (at least in western 21st century culture) we can honestly express ourselves on the occasional rare occasion???
You are an awesome writer, I wish I could capture thoughts in that way!