Am I wrong here?

[Amanda R]

Not really sure where this belongs so just going to stick it here.

My parents divorced when I was 9, not going into the details of why. My mother was granted custody of my sister and me. Not saying he was the best father back then but he was far from the worst. I was 15 when I came out to my mother as trans and with the help of others she supported and loved me though my journey as did my sister, there were even other relatives on both sides who accepted me. On the other hand when I told my father he said some very mean and hateful things including disowning me. Definitely not what any parent should say to a 15 year old child, ever! Yes it hurt me deeply then but with time and the love of others I have come to accept this is just how it is going to be. He continued to visit my sister and do things with her though I was never included. Even he and my mother are on speaking terms.

Over the past 17 years I can count on two hands the number of times I have seen him and they were all family functions. My sister's graduations though not mine, my sister's wedding though not mine, the baptism of my niece and nephew, a couple of family graduations and weddings though again not mine. I freely admit I didn't invite him to any function concerning me although knowing he and my sister talk regularly I'm sure he knew about them. Never once did he reach out to me! Over those past 17 years we have spoken maybe 100 words to each other and of those beyond hello they have been confrontational from both sides I admit. Do you see a pattern here?

Last night I was talking with my sister and she mentioned "our father", I cringe when I think of him that way or hear that term, was diagnosed with prostate cancer. They believe they caught it early and is treatable and although the outlook is "cautiously optimistic" whatever the hell that means. Chelsea is well aware of how he feels about me and I about him still I said all the right things knowing how she feels about him or at least I think I did.

After hanging up I went about things as normal. I put Emma to bed and after sat down on the sofa next to Chuck. As always he asked me if anything was new with Chelsea so I told him about my sperm donor, sorry Heather but I had to borrow your term here. He asked me how I felt about that? I told him I really don't have any feelings about it. I'm not happy or sad or even feel any sympathy for him. Not that I wish him bad I literally have no feelings about him or it at all! Am I wrong in feeling this way?

My journey to who I am today was probably no more difficult than others who have followed my path. Yes it was a struggle to get here at times but I did it. I have a husband I love and loves me. I have a 6 year old stepdaughter I love and everything she says and does she tells me she loves me. I have several degrees in my chosen field and a job in that field I love. I have friends and family, well some family. All in all I think I've done pretty well with my life. Still I have to think am I wrong in having exactly zero feelings in this circumstance?

[KimberlyS]

Amanda your feelings, or lack of, are not wrong. They are your feelings and how you have dealt with the situation you were thrust into when you were 15. That would be a lot for anyone to deal with let alone a 15 year old kid. And continue to deal with it your whole life. Some parents can be such a holes. Some parents grow out of it and grow up becoming a better parent. Others never grow up and learn to deal with it and never become the parent they should be.

[Davita]

Amanda,

Your dad, to me, was described as an acquaintance you pass on the street once in awhile that grunts at you when you say "hi" in passing. He doesn't sound like a person for whom you need to have feelings for. No reason to waste your concerns beyond you both being people and you don't like people suffering.

You be you and give sis her support if she needs it.

[Anthony Simon]

You're bound to have some feelings, it's just that you're repressing them. What worries me about your situation is the way you engage with your sister. There's a disconnect between "all the right things" you're saying to her and your lack of actual emotion to draw on in what you say.

You just have to have a "real place" emotionally to draw on to talk to her properly - in what will undoubtedly be a very tough time for her. So, if it's right that you're repressing, there's a degree of urgency in you getting to how you actually feel deep down so there's a reality in what you say to her.

My fear is she's going to pick up, sooner or later, that what you're saying is not entirely authentic otherwise. Not saying it would be easy to do, but....

My mother died recently and, at the funeral, I didn't speak. I explained to my sister, brother and nephew (who did speak) that to do so would just have messed up the occasion. I also found myself saying nothing for a while at the meal afterwards. I couldn't say anything good, but, at least I refrained from saying anything bad. It was the best I could do - and I was, at least, true to how I felt.

[Amanda R]

Excellent observation Anthony. As a trained psychologist the thought of repressed emotion has crossed my mind more than once but I don't see it. I even talked with a couple of my colleagues concerning this and none of them see it in me either. I'm not saying it's not there however if it is it's going to take something else to bring it the surface if it ever does.

Perhaps because it was still fresh in my mind, or perhaps because of the relationship I have with him or lack of it, or more likely a combination I didn't express myself well in my initial post. I want you to think of a casual friend, one you aren't necessarily close to but on good terms with. During a conversation with that friend they mention their cousin who you have never met has cancer. Obviously you feel sorrow as no one should ever have to go through that and there are things you should and do say. Now fast forward a couple of hours and unless you think of that conversation the thought of that cousin and what they are going through doesn't even cross your mind. That is where I am at.

I talked with my sister last night about our planned trip up to see Mom for Mother's Day. I did ask about him and how he was doing. Perhaps because she is well aware of how I feel about him Chelsea didn't go into great detail other than he has a meeting with his oncologist this week to discuss treatment options. I will continue to ask how he is doing because it is the right thing to do.

I am not an animal rather what I like to believe a compassionate, caring person. I don't believe in retribution or "karma" or "they got what they deserved" or whatever you want to call it. I feel for any individual going through an illness or debilitating injury for no one should have to go through that pain. On that level I feel for him, no more no less.

[Anthony Simon]

Hi Amanda.

There is one thing that stuck in my head when I was thinking about your post some more after I'd posted myself. It was this:

"I have several degrees in my chosen field and a job in that field I love."

I just thought why is that there? It was a vague, instinctive response (though, with me, that can be where the insight comes), but in a way, the sentence felt redundant - particularly the bit about "several degrees". And then I thought, well maybe it's not redundant. Because that stuff about degrees, in a better world, is something you could talk about with your father - feel proud about and have him feel proud about.

Which is to say, it occurred to me that a hint of some of the repressed feelings (if such exist) might have surfaced in that sentence.

[Amanda R]

Was it necessary to mention I have several degrees? No, however I am very proud of those degrees. I don't even want to try to count the nights that it would be 10:00, 11:00 or even later I would get home after a day of classes and a night of waiting tables and put on a pot of coffee and hit the books until 2AM or later. The nice sunny weekend days after my friends had their bachelors and "real" jobs were out enjoying the nice weather I was studying or working on my thesis. I'm not saying I didn't have help along the way but I earned those degrees and am proud of them!

I know for a fact there are others proud of me for accomplishing what I have. My mother who raised and accepted me and although not earning a lot helped me every chance she could with tuition and books, even slipping me a $20 every opportunity she had. My sister who supported me in my life choices. Every birthday and Christmas Chelsea would give me Visa gift cards telling me, "Use them on whatever you need." Chelsea even paid for me to visit her a couple of times when I needed a weekend to unwind. My friends who would take me out for lunch or for a drink and wouldn't let me pay for a thing. They deserve the right to be proud of me. My "sperm donor" on the other hand did nothing! Although I am pretty sure he is well aware of what I have accomplished he has never said a single word to me about them. Screw him!

[Anthony Simon]

So this is like saying: He never did anything to support you in your chosen career path and, as a result, your mother, sister and friends had to pick up the tab - and hints at significant pain that comes out of that.

[Heather W]

Full disclosure here, I have known Amanda personally for several years. We were introduced by a mutual friend who knew I was following a life path Amanda had walked. She was a guide and mentor through my journey and I consider her a very good friend. When I read her initial post I reached out to her not only as a friend but also though not the same there are similarities to my situation with me and my sperm donor to she and hers. We talked at length about her situation and I fully understand and support how she feels here. I spoke just to her the other night and she joked she has probably thought more about him in the past week or so than she has in the past 17 years. I hear you girlfriend.


Amanda wrote:

"My mother who raised and accepted me and although not earning a lot helped me every chance she could with tuition and books, even slipping me a $20 every opportunity she had. My sister who supported me in my life choices. Every birthday and Christmas Chelsea would give me Visa gift cards telling me, "Use them on whatever you need." Chelsea even paid for me to visit her a couple of times when I needed a weekend to unwind. My friends who would take me out for lunch or for a drink and wouldn't let me pay for a thing."

Anthony wrote in response:

"So this is like saying: He never did anything to support you in your chosen career path and, as a result, your mother, sister and friends had to pick up the tab - and hints at significant pain that comes out of that."


Anthony I know what you saw here, I and everyone else saw the same thing. However what I believe is you and perhaps others read the words and not what was behind them. While Amanda mentioned financial things she is always talking about is the emotional support behind them. the weekend, the girls' lunch or night out, the here "go treat yourself to something" in a rough time.

I don't know the timing of these times Amanda's family and friends reached out with a helping hand be it financial or emotional. Furthermore I don't know if all her friends were aware Amanda is trans. However I am well aware of Amanda's timeline as well as how Amanda is. I wouldn't be surprised if at least some of these incidents occurred as she was working her way down the path and some of those friends were aware of her status. Her sperm donor made the choice to disown her when he was made aware of the fact she was trans. Definitely not a candidate for "Father of the Year" IMHO.

Now does Amanda have some repressed feelings here? I agree with you here Anthony I believe she is however I nor you nor pretty much everyone else here is qualified to make that judgement. Perhaps with the exception of one other IMO Amanda is the only one here that is qualified to make that call and she says no. She even said she spoke with a couple of her colleagues concerning this and they concur with her. I am not doubting Amanda's credentials here but she may be too close to the situation to properly assess the situation. In the case of her colleagues, their diagnosis is based on what Amanda told them. I'm not saying she lied, distorted, or left parts out we all know how a story is told can affect how we see it.

We all make choices in life everyday, be it what should I have Italian or Chinese for dinner to should I support this person in their life choices regardless whether I agree with them or not. Some are easy, some not so easy but we all make them as we should. Obviously I agree with Amanda's life choice but I also support her when she said:

"My "sperm donor" on the other hand did nothing! Although I am pretty sure he is well aware of what I have accomplished he has never said a single word to me about them. Screw him!"