That first sentence sounds a bit like Heisenberg's uncertainty principle: the harder you look, the less you see (or that's my take on it). With me, I'd say the potential for the woman has always been there - like there's been an unresolved part of me that could go that way - and perhaps people have related to me a bit differently because of it. I always felt a bit of an outsider in men's changing rooms, for example.Kimberly Kael wrote:Has there ever been a particularly satisfying answer?Anita wrote:We have asked the question on here before; at what point in the process does the woman appear?
For me the woman has always been there, lurking in everyone's peripheral vision where everyone could see her so long as they weren't looking too closely. At lunch I could stroll to a food counter downtown in a suit and tie, and the person taking my order would instinctively call me ma'am. Later they would they try to correct themselves and the disappointment I felt was one of the early cues that I would later need to change my life.
Basically I have felt quite flattered when people have decided that what they're seeing is a woman, because really I wish I was a woman on some level. I think I've probably always wished I was a woman (or a girl).
It must be hard that (my sense is I'd find it terminally difficult) letting go of so much you're known yourself as. The other thing is, though frequently people make me out to be not much of a man, I am kind of proud of some of the things I've done as a man - like out of the classic "male" way of looking at the world. I don't think you can get rid of those sorts of experiences - like I would still feel myself "male" because of how highly I value these things in my life.While learning to feel comfortable with who I am, I did find it difficult to let go of four decades of memories of friends and family relating to me as male. There are still days when that reflex is there, and a mirror is actually helpful in rediscovering the woman in me.
I definitely need to look in the mirror to remind myself. And actually I'm a bit amazed at what I'm seeing. Like I'm seeing this woman appearing there on a regular basis and I don't know what to make of it. This is a different sense of "the woman" appearing. It's evident to me that there's a new intensity and conviction to what I'm seeing (over the past couple of months).
My guess is it's some of the potential woman turning into "real" woman (or something like that). So this is "appearance of woman" in that sense.
With me and my potential to be a woman, I think I've sat on the fence my entire life. Now it looks like I'm coming down on both sides of it (ouch!).The months leading up to transition were a constant reminder that I'd stood on the wrong side of the fence my whole life: every time I'd go out and use a public restroom men would start double-checking to make sure they hadn't used the wrong door, or would insist that I was in the wrong place. How right they were! I'm just sorry it took so long for me to figure it out.
I don't think men ever treat me like anything other than a man (though perhaps a bit "different") and women also treat me like a man for much of the time. But in the past few years there's been an ongoing trend where women treat me as though mentally I'm a woman (this has also paralled my dressing up). It's not like they've mistaken me for a woman physically, but they keep talking in my presence like I'm another woman. I've mentioned the occasion when one woman just instinctively talked to me as though I could have babies - but there are a number of other less extreme versions. I like it, feel satisfied by it.