Clean shaven after 40+ years and a few other things.

[Stephanie Stevens]

Anthony,
You are so direct and insightful with your feedback, I really appreciate your help in my coming out. Although I am older in my active expression of cross dressing I feel like my roots go back to a very early age. I was the baby brother to two older sisters. After my father died when I was 11 years old I was raised in an all female household including my maternal grandmother. I have always been more comfortable in the presence of women than men. Although I never thought to dress in my sister's or mother's underwear and clothing I was always fascinated by the undergarments. As I have mentioned I have always loved having and waring the underwear of non family women. It is now late, Thank you for being there, Stephanie

[Stephanie Stevens]

Hello Girls,
I have been unfortunately been caught up with the diagnosis of TCell Lymphoblastic Lymphoma which my 29 year old pregnant daughter has just received. She starts chemo therapy tomorrow (9/14). She is in her second trimester and she can continue to carry her baby boy safely, even with the chemo. This is treatable but we are in for 2 years of chemo for her.

I find that even with the stress and fear that I am experiencing I have continued to enjoy my exploration into Stephanie. Tonight, when I left work, I bought my first pair of panty hose, and they really do wonders for the appearance of my legs. I think they look great and I love the silky feel! I summoned up the courage to read the labels on the various styles to get the proper fit at the grocery store where I work. The other day I ventured out into the women's clothing department at several different stores but only briefly. I just need to build up my comfort level for shopping in the stores, but I am determined to develop the attitude of how to comfortably shop for/with Stephanie.

I continue to be amazed at my desire for breasts. I love my breast forms and never want to remove them, but I also read about breast implants and wish I could have beautiful breasts with implants. Then I was reading about how transgender women can actually lactate and that just drives me crazy because I would love to produce milk from my breasts and feed a baby or suckle a friend but I guess I am too old for that...

Thank you for this forum, hugs to you, Stephanie

[Anthony Simon]

Hi Stephanie,

That must be terribly worrying for you about your daughter and my heart goes out to you. Actually a lot of CDs find that their CDing goes up with stress and tension. There is some element in there of nurturing yourself while the world goes on around you.

[Stephanie Stevens]

Dear Anthony,
Once again your words bring some insight into my explorations. I can understand that with my current level of stress my crossdressing brings to me a certain level of self intimacy and comfort. It is also something that I am learning about and I love to learn new things and develop a certain level of mastery. This along with the sensuousness of putting on women's garments is just intoxicating. Stephanie's style is as yet not fully understood but I am beginning to conceptualize that she will have a "Smart" comfortable style. Lacey and yummy underneath while cool and stylish on the outside. Makeup and hair style are still just in infancy. I am going to turn 67 this November, so age (somewhat appropriate) appearance is necessary.

We do believe that my daughter's cancer is treatable and she is a good strong young woman who will survive her ordeal. I want to be with her as often as I can and as much as she needs me.

Thank you Anthony for your message. I love having your support on this forum. I am so new to this in practice. but crossdressing makes so much sense to my inner self and I believe helps "Connect some dots" in who David and Stephanie are. Hugs and a nice kiss, Stephanie

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Stephanie,

I wish the best for your daughter and your family. She has support, that helps so much with coping.

When I met my future husband, he had a full fuzzy face. After 30 years, it turned all white, which was a good excuse to shaving it all off. That and getting caught dressing feminine when he thought I was away. I miss the beard, especially since he doesn't like to shave every day, but he does look younger now.

You seem to have an excepting partner, but are pushing her limits. Be careful about that. Going at her pace of acceptance, you'll get more help in looking the best you can.
There are a lot of other questions mentioned that I'll try to answer briefly.

Breasts, OMG, you all love breasts! There is more to being a woman than having breasts. Unless you plan on transitioning, just get decent forms. No implants will allow you to produce milk as they are silicone with no milk ducts, give up that idea as you were not born with them.

My husband buys wigs from Paula Young, watch for sales! As you seem to be more mature in age, dress as a more mature woman. Us older ladies are not as pretty as in days past, (sigh) but we dress feminine. I doubt that my husband would have passed well at a younger age, too strong in masculine features, face and body. Nearing 60 yo, he does a decent presentation. Good enough where I don't dread her going out for meetings in public.

Calm down and just buy a few things now and then, and buy something for your partner.
An aside thought, what's a partner anyway? Girlfriend, sister, wife? Make a commitment, partner says so temporary.
Anyway, after all these years before exploring dressing up, don't be in such a rush.

Eileen

[April Rose]

Stephanie,

Listen to Eileen. She is giving you good advice.

[Anne Bonny]

I have been interested in resemblance between Male and female faces and body shape. Sometimes it is just amazing. I remember seeing a post in which three average guys who were quite masculine were seated in a salon chair. then in a second picture a make up artist had made up half of their face and put long hair on that side too as I recall and the results were absolutely jaw dropping, just amazing you could not tell at all...one side looked absolutely female, the other male. The power of make up is incredible.

I do believe it is quite possible to pass if properly made up and dressed.

I have noticed how much I resemble my sister in the mirror. There are of course differences in bone structure and shape of our skull, shoulders, hips, hands, feet. We have no subcutaneous fat to soften the skin overlying our bones as women do. We have adams apples. On average we are larger with broader shoulders. I do feel though some are quite lucky asian males are so lucky! Some men have slender frames and smaller frames. I have a medium build but I am not really muscular even though I work out and I am at my weight so that also helps. Unfortunately I am pushing 59 and even though I can run circles around 90% of people my age you cannot stop time.

Hair, or a wig, the right make up, ear rings and clothing can work wonders. Even when I am not all that made up when I am wearing a dress and pumps as I am now when I look in the full length mirror, that all by itself has a transforming effect on how I look. I also feel better but that is just the fluid nature of my gender. It is wonderful to have the opportunity and the desire and anyone who would come knows I dress anyway so if someone walked in on me it is not a catastrophic event.

Oh! one final thing...I was flipping through channels and came across a wrestling match (a real one) and saw two men wearing sports bras... my actual thoughts were why are they wearing what appear to be sports bras!? Is it martial arts? are they wearing them for protection? Perhaps there is some electronic device in them serving some purpose (you know like a heart rate monitor)? The match ended right then...one had their arm held up the other had lost. The one who lost looked - large body and legs, large shoulders, guy's haircut but with that sports bra - then I felt kind of amused when I said OH! It's a woman's match!!!! It was amazing! So the similarities can be amazingly negligible at times depending on the man and the woman. It's true!!

[Stephanie Stevens]

Dear Eileen, and April,

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt comments on my "Coming out". I definitely was pleased that a SO would listen to me and offer her good advice. I have been busy with these changes in my life both with my cross dressing but more importantly with my daughter's cancer. She is now into her third week of Chemo therapy and she is taking a beating but is doing her best and she has family and friends to support her and her family along the way. My "partner" and I have been traveling to spend time with her, and we are doing our best to keep rested and healthy.

My partner and I come to this relationship after we both had our respective spouse die after, for me, 27 years of marriage, and for her closer to 30 years. My wife was 50 years old and her husband was 56. I have known my partner since 5th grade, so we have a bit of perspective about relationships, each other and what serves our needs. Commitment in a relationship does not necessarily need a marriage ceremony and license.

Since I last posted we have continued our conversations about my cross dressing. I believe that she is more open to this, and while I remember to say this, yes she is an exceptional woman. I asked if se hcould help me with makeup and clothes shopping and she has agreed to this which is so good for both of us, because now we can problem solve and have discussions rather than having Eileenme be isolated form her in my bumbling attempts at these things.

She uses Clinique products and had stashed away a bunch of gift/reward items as well as products that did not work out for her so we went through those and I have a fun, little choice of makeup products to work with. she also took a couple of the lipstick that I had bought and matched them with lip liner pencils. Her support and help here is very cool.

Eileen, since puberty I have always been attracted to women breasts, I feel like a humming bird looking for bright colored flowers, it is just genetic. I have bought breast forms from the Breastform Store and I am wearing them now in one of their pocketed bras, and I feel right and comforted.

Thank you Eileen for your concern and guidance.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Stevens


*** Post edited to insert spacing between paragraphs (that makes it so much easier for everyone to read!), as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Stephanie Stevens]

Dear Anne,

I really enjoyed reading your message in response to my original posting. Today I read your impassioned postings about the need for us to be free in the expression of our individuality and the frustration of having the desire to crossdress in a society that wants to shun us for putting on a dress. I am happy for you that you have so many friends that accept you as you are. I definitely relate to your comments about not quite fitting in with guys and gravitating towards women in social settings. My profession for 30 years was social work which has many more women than men. I worked in health and mental health settings which again have many more women. To this day I am more comfortable with women.

I gather your wife is approaching death and I am sorry to hear that this is also your reality. I have lost my wife to cancer and my prayers and positive thoughts are for you tonight.

As to the discussion about masculine features on women, I live in rural Maine and one does not have to go to any great length to dress like a rural Maine woman who is not trying to dress up. Blue jeans, sneakers or utility boots, flannel shirt, and a parka are good enough. I have been reading up on hair styles for facial types and working on my make up. All in all I am very content with my new found explorations. Anne, I look forward to hearing from you again, Hugs, Stephanie

[Eileen (SO)]

Stephanie,

I'm glad to be of help. That's so nice that you two have known each other from way back when. I still think that 'partner' sounds too temporary. Not judging harshly, I prefer a more solid commitment term. Do as you like though.
My limited level of therapeutic counseling knowledge suggests that since you have lost a spouse already, and now with your daughter's diagnosis, this may trigger even stronger desires to dress female.

My husband also bought forms from the Breast Form store. I was astounded by the many products offered on sites like this.
One question though,

because now we can problem solve and have discussions rather than having Eileenme be isolated form her in my bumbling attempts at these things.

have I become a verb?

I wish the best outcome for your daughter. And your partner's acceptance. It's a learning experience for her much more than for you.

Eileen

[Stephanie Stevens]

Holy Spell checker!, I can not even understand that group of words... Thanks Eileen for you insight into my SO's coming to terms with my cross dressing. As to your grammatical nature, I was not an english major so I will have to pass on wading into that conversation . Thanks for your thoughts about my life and needs. Hugs, Stephanie PS. She did chuckle last evening when she saw me in my red bra and new red matching panties.

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Stephanie,

I was not an English major either, actually literature was my worst subject. Most of the topics here are serious in subject, but we should be able poke fun at each other.

Just a little suggestion, most women to not parade around in their underwear. A cute bra and panty set should be covered by a robe or nightgown.
I hope you at least had a clean face and feminine hair. My guy has several wigs and when he dresses at home, it's mandatory 'she' wears one.
Since your partner only chuckled, maybe at a loss for any other response, you may have a woman that worth more than you know.
Pop some corn, open a bottle of wine, watch a silly movie, and enjoy a girls evening together.
When all is done, be sure to love her as only a man can do. Seriously, it means a lot more to a relationship than you could guess.

Early in this topic, you mentioned seeing masculine features in women. Honey, that's called getting older. There was a time when my guy privately dressed as a sexy young girl. The problem with that is he would never pass. We both are in late 50's age now and he dresses age appropriate and can look very convincing. That helps quite a bit in accepting her going out in public. Her public presentations are still after dusk. That also helps with acceptance on my part.

Eileen

[Stephanie Stevens]

Dear Eileen,

I happened to be in the bathroom, when my partner stuck her head in to say hello. I do love to wear pretty underthings, but I find that, like you and others have mentioned, I have no place trying to look 30 or 40 years younger than my 66 years. Another thing is that even though I love the physical feeling and the emotional comfort and pleasure that I experiencing "En femme", I realize that I must look ridiculous to anyone else. So my SO and her mother are very gracious to me and will compliment an article of clothing, how I have done with my lipstick, or a piece of my mother's jewelry. (She left all her belongings to me.)

I would not be inclined to prance around the house in my underwear even by myself, because as I mentioned I do not want to inflict that image on any one but myself or my SO in the privacy of our bedrooms and bath. Even David does not prance about much and if he does it is only briefly to get a fresh towel or answer the phone, etc.

There are so many aspects of crossdressing that require attention to detail. David just has to throw on socks a pair of undies, jeans and a T-shirt and he is good to go. I am now absorbing and appreciating how much time and effort go into being en femme. David only shaved his neck under his beard every other day or so. I am shaving everything in sight on a daily basis. David never really cared about finger nails or toenails but now I do and I want them to be neat and trim (no runs in my stockings, thank you), and to be able to have a subtle polish on them that would look good for an old girl like me. This holds true for my facial makeup as well. I have been experimenting with primers, concealers, and foundations. I think I have my basic skin tone understood but I will need to talk with my SO and go over the Covergirl 3in1 liquid product and a Tru Blend color I bought yesterday.

I have been trying to figure out my face shape as it relates to hair style. As is par for my course I think my first wig purchase is all wrong for me in terms of style and those blonde wavy curls!!! It looks ok from the rear view...After I finish this I will look at the wig place you told me about.

When I do finally venture out as Stephanie I think my look will be neat, and somewhat tailored. I love putting on one of David's button down dress shirts with a skirt or leggings as an example. Yesterday I bought a light green/blue, mock turtleneck from the local LL Bean discount store. I bought it in the mens dept. but it looks really good with my make up, and a pair of black lounging pants.

Last night my SO and I had a very nice time together in the mutual pleasure dept. Ironically in April I (David) had a penile implant operation. I will not go into all the details other than to say the outcome has been better than expected and we both enjoy my new ( It has been over 15 years) ability to have intercourse. I hope this is ok to say this. But I find it so ironic that no sooner did I regain this function, that Stephanie arrived and said welcome I'm here too! Maybe once the burden and worry of not being able function as a man was lifted, I was freed up to discover more subtle aspect of my sexual nature and identity?

Hey Eileen, you maybe got more than you bargained for in my response to your post, but thank you so much for being receptive and directive in your responses to me. I respect people who can be frank with one another. Not that we are always "Right" in our perceptions or statements but that we can respect and continue the discussion, while acknowledging, our imperfections.

Hug to you and yours, Stephanie

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Stephanie,

Oh my, your partner and her mother critiquing your presentation! At least now you realize how much work it takes for a woman to look casual.

I see now about the bra, panties, and chuckle. Even spouses should knock first though.
Make up is hard to figure out. I've never worn much myself so I have no idea how to do the extra coverage for a man's face. There are stores that will do a tutorial, some even privately, and strongly suggest you buy their products.

As for wigs, my husbands first one or two were rather long in length. His thought was it looked sexy as that is the style he likes, and it would hide his man neck better. Long wigs are harder to keep in good shape. Now he buys a length just about the collar. I think it looks perfect for a woman our age and still long enough to mostly hide the neck. The favorite style names are 'Color Me Beautiful' and Olympia'. Brunette with a touch of grey.

When a man has trouble 'down there', we women tend to blame ourselves. We're no longer attractive enough or the guy is tired of the same 'ol. I guess I'm glad to hear it's all working fine now, for her sakes anyway. 15 years without? I might would have to kill something to relieve the stress.

Enjoy getting pretty within your SO's boundaries and don't worry about the blunt language. I'm all growed up now, for several decades, and can take it as well as give back.

Hugs, Eileen