What do you think?

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks for that...it's valid because you lived through this very thing. For the longest time I felt once she is gone I do not want to feel that I had not done all in my power to do...in grief I wanted to be able to grab myself and forcefully tell myself that I had done all that I could. Well...I have done that and done it probably 3 years longer than I should have so at this juncture getting out of the way is the only correct decision for her...it is merciful, and compassionate to get out of the way, not to would be to prolong her suffering and I should have done as I said 3 years ago but it's difficult when there are emotional ties especially with a wife, children, parents...

As the holder of all the legal documents and the spouse I must make decisions based on her wishes and her best interests. She was not one to give up or unplug and in this hopeless terminal condition there was no hope so giving a good effort I feel I have met her wishes and feel at this point she would be upset if she could see herself, and she I believe would also be upset that I have wasted so much of my life too and would want for me to be able to go on, just as I would were I this far gone with no hope of anything other then decline and death and would opt for being put down if it were painless once I were no longer aware and unable to communicate...just give me something that would induce deep sleep, unconsciousness, and cessation of breathing. She did not have such an option and would probably not have opted for more than no advanced techniques for prolonging her life which she did...no CPR/ACLS/respirator etc. So all I can do is a slower form of euthanasia which is getting out of the way...more bed time, not pushing food or liquids if she is not able to take them or falls asleep...debilitation and starvation...gee thanks Christians for only allowing such an inhumane barbaric method, plus it takes longer. The obscene thing is I am 100% mentally and physically and my life is being pissed down a rat hole but Christians do not care about wasting the lives of caregivers either...oh two lives are wasted and lost Yippee!!! See isn't that a blessing from God!? You should Praise God for your great good blessing...to God be the Glory! You are a shining example, earning a star in your crown...you are a subject of sermons demonstrating what real marriage really means...You are learning so you can waste the rest of your life in such horrible depressing circumstances wallowing in it all the rest of your life after she is gone by seeking out and ministering to any and everyone who is going through the same thing...Right...Screw that what twisted thinking. I am going to return to life If there is a God and he did this to my wife and myself for that reason he certainly chose the WRONG person. I am going to spend the rest of my life out side of marriage shaking up with hopefully a woman who will be my partner as we enjoy sailing, walking beaches, and doing whatever to make up for all the years flushed down the commode from my life.

Of course Christians always double back to state oh this was never God's will, you cannot blame God! While at other times they preach the opposite that God is all knowing, all powerful, and present everywhere...that God has a will and a plan for our lives which we cannot alter...till it doesn't work out so they argue both sides so that whatever the outcome they affirm they are correct and any who do not believe are wrong...oh we do not understand the vagueries and the mysteries of the will of the all powerful God in the sky!!! What bull manure!!! And this is why belief is so pervasive...people are weak, and want to believe in something it is the very same magical thinking children out grow...well unless they are true believers.

[Anthony Simon]

Go and talk to someone professional and unbiased about this.

[Anne Bonny]

Nah, I got this. I have found my ability to think things through is as good as and is infact usually better than that of any psychologist I have seen. That I am quite angry with the Christian influence, and swindle of most everyone in much of the world browbeating our society into submission effecting our social morays and influencing how we are conditioned from birth to believe oh there is a god, oh there is sin, oh there is only male and female and if you feel or are any other way that is sin, you are a bad person and will burn in hell for all eternity because you are by the definition of the church prudes and prigs sexual perverts and weirdos so that half of your life is spent having to overcome what they have done to you...wasted half of your lifetime and mentally caused you to suppress half of who you are...

The extreme anger is quite understandable and justifiable and I will never get over what was done to me by this entire system essentially we have been damaged mentally akin to something people who are raped have experienced but I will not claim to the same extent. We have a lot to overcome...I am still afraid to be myself openly in public and even still there are family I cannot tell because they are brainwashed and conditioned by religion, society, how they were raised.

this level of anger is justified about that. Religion is an active and always will be our unrelenting enemy seeking our complete eradication they will never be happy until we are all brainwashed and undergoing therapy to convert us from being who we are because they will never accept anything but their belief that there are only two genders...male...masculine and female feminine and that there is nothing else. they want us banished and eradicated completely from society, from public, work places, from housing, and shoved into a hole somewhere and buried never to see the light of day ever again. Period...end of sentence. So do not tell me I need therapy because of my hatred of religion...they hate who we are...they say oh we really love you...we want to help you to repentance connect you with a bible based therapist so you can admit you are not who you are but that you only ever were male and masculine any other feelings you have are extreme sin against the will of god. That is what they believe...and it is just that a mythological belief or faith, not fact but fantasy.

Religion is fantasy. It is mythology. I am an agnostic and live my life based on what is definitely known rational objectivism...very similar to the philosophy of Ayn Rand.

There is no such thing as sin that is a religious concept. We have human nature and unless we are deranged we all strive to be our best selves and to reach our full potential. Religion has not cornered the market on morality we do not need reference to a fantasy mythological system to be moral. But...most of society is saddled with all of this. I feel very good about who I am, I have no need to bow or repent to any one or to anything...I stand erect and feel very good about who I am as a person, I am a decent, caring, and good person because that is who we are as people. There are some of criminal bent or who are mentally ill but most people are fine all on their own and when we make mistakes we feel bad on our own and strive on our own to be our best self starting from that point in the present and as we move into the future.

One point here...Religion will always be here and the adherents will be in the billions world wide there is no getting rid of religion. We have to accept that just like those of opposite political persuasion they will always be here and we simply have to learn to get along with them. So fortunately here in the United States our constitution guarantees our ability to be who we are as long as we do not hurt anyone else and our rights as people are guaranteed. What we have to work for is to agree that we disagree and we have to learn to tolerate each other peacefully. If we tell someone to get out of our face they must comply and go somewhere else and I suppose in time tolerance will improve, society will evolve and our life as transgender people will find ourselves more widely accepted and allowed to carry on with our lives in peace. Isn't that all that we are asking for? I think so. I am an agnostic by stating that I am merely saying that the existence of a God can never be definitively proven one way or the other so I simply base my life on what is and can be known. That's all.

[Anthony Simon]

Well, I can be as good at analytic thinking as I like and still not solve a problem. And the reason can be I can't cope with the level of pain involved.

My sense is that is what is happening with you. I construe that as being the result of your wife coming up to the last lap in her life and it really being beyond you - because the pain is too great to deal with alone. I think your decision is questionable for that reason and I think you need to see someone a) to check - and b) to help you process some of the pain.

That's it.

[KimberlyS]

Go and talk to someone professional and unbiased about this.

I will DITTO Anthony on this. IMHO you have been too close to the situation for too long. That can mess up your thinking. Also consult other family along with professionals.

[Anne Bonny]

Well the Social worker and chaplin come once a month...I will ask them about this... what...about my having trouble letting go? Letting nature take it's course? But I have all the papers needed once she is gone under my mattress so they are there collected and all together once it happens because I will probably not be thinking clearly. I know all I have to do is to call Hospice and they will come and help me through the process as long as the insurance does not stop paying for their services?? If that occurs I suppose I would call the Police first to report her death. That is all a process...I know the funeral home I want, type of coffin from using them when my Father and Mother died. Call her mother, tell my sisters and our sons... Once that is done things just kind of flow...I hope to have her buried in the local national cemetry because I am a veteran and can eventually be buried there with her when I go.

Thing is well she has been doing rather well past day or so, she had been really struggling for a few days...just out of it but has rallied again...Still I do not see how long she can carry on, I do believe we are within months to a year or so...

It is just that It will be a huge pain in the backside, a hell of a lot of work once she is bed ridden, I fear having her mother demand to stay here in this house because she is a controlling borderline personality bitch!!! who I cannot stand and she will begin to order me around which is why I no longer tell her anything about any seizures because I would have to endure her munchouser syndrom as she seeks to savor and enjoy being a victim as she seeks to make my wife's condition worse and last as long as possible drawing out recovery as long as possible. With her out of the picture My wife is up the same evening and is fully back the next day after a seizure...her mother tries to keep her in bed, limit intake and make it last for a week after which her recovery from that would take several days due to the debilitation form being kept in bed and not given ample nutrition and fluids. I could tell her she is not allowed to come see her daughter but I will not separate even a horrible person from seeing their daughter. She is in her 80's and is not physically able to do anything but be a miserable bitch. Oh well...

I will talk to them.

[Anne Bonny]

Well the Social worker and chaplin come once a month...I will ask them about this... what...about my having trouble letting go? Letting nature take it's course? But I have all the papers needed once she is gone under my mattress so they are there collected and all together once it happens because I will probably not be thinking clearly. I know all I have to do is to call Hospice and they will come and help me through the process as long as the insurance does not stop paying for their services?? If that occurs I suppose I would call the Police first to report her death. That is all a process...I know the funeral home I want, type of coffin from using them when my Father and Mother died. Call her mother, tell my sisters and our sons... Once that is done things just kind of flow...I hope to have her buried in the local national cemetry because I am a veteran and can eventually be buried there with her when I go.

Thing is well she has been doing rather well past day or so, she had been really struggling for a few days...just out of it but has rallied again...Still I do not see how long she can carry on, I do believe we are within months to a year or so...

It is just that It will be a huge pain in the backside, a hell of a lot of work once she is bed ridden really she spends about 90% of her time in bed now, I fear having her mother demand to stay here in this house because she is a controlling borderline personality bitch!!! who I cannot stand and she will begin to order me around which is why I no longer tell her anything about any seizures because I would have to endure her munchouser syndrom as she seeks to savor and enjoy being a victim as she seeks to make my wife's condition worse and last as long as possible drawing out recovery as long as possible. With her out of the picture My wife is up the same evening and is fully back the next day after a seizure...her mother tries to keep her in bed, limit intake and make it last for a week after which her recovery from that would take several days due to the debilitation form being kept in bed and not given ample nutrition and fluids. I could tell her she is not allowed to come see her daughter but I will not separate even a horrible person from seeing their daughter. She is in her 80's and is not physically able to do anything but be a miserable bitch. Oh well...

I will talk to them.

[Bernice]

I'm just one person, and I have no beef with chaplains and counselors, as long as they don't get preachy. It sounds to me like you have done your homework, your T's are crossed, your I's are dotted, and you are coping with an impossible situation remarkably well.

You are where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. You know the situation better than anyone else, especially those of us whose exposure is limited to this forum. I say (like it should matter) that you should not let any of us dictate how you handle the situation, nor should any of us criticize your management plans, no matter how well intended such criticism might be. We have no standing, no dog in this race, and no intimate knowledge of the big picture.

Consider me here for support only. Unqualified, unconditional support. Nothing more, nothing less.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Wesley]

Anne,

As a 57 year old RN, I certainly appreciate exactly where you are at. In June of 2015, I had to move back in with my father, who is progressing with senile dementia. The move cost my marriage of a wife who was wonderful and quite tolerant of my crossdressing.

I can get out of the house for a few hours a day, but he has good days and bad. Sometimes he calls in 2 hours. . . sometimes 15 minutes.

Like you, I am cut off, and unable to do very much. Long term friends are scarce as hens teeth, and I can only work an occasional agency shift.

Depressing does not begin to describe the situation. Unlike you, however, this is my father, and I have no siblings. But our situations are remarkably the same. .

Wesley

[Anne Bonny]

Hum...Now that my wife is permanently in the bed I has really made my day much much easier. There are 4 major encounters a morning change..a noon clean up, am care, breakfast...at 6pm clean up and dinner, then about 9 pm PM care meds and water and I usually settle in for the night myself. In between I just spot check on occasion and she is doing fine. That is 4 diaper changes her skin if in very good shape she has a gel overlay on the bed. This also cut out those 13 transfers I was doing a day.

Per recommendations calories are gradually being paired back...gone are bits of chocolate...then the pringle's cup of chips, few months later the evening coke...last month the cookie at night...this month the morning coffee...next month perhaps cut back to 3/4 of the main course... She is not too thin, never has been but has per hospice nurses getting way more calories then she needs...I figure she must be down to about 1200 per day...

So We just keep rolling and now when the sitter comes for 4 hours twice a week I can go right out the door and come back right before she leaves giving me more time....

I am just hoping she does not linger on for another year or two but who knows....

I am just waiting.

[Paulette]

Glad you're dealing so well. You might want to consider longer term options, through I know you have, such as hospice or even a home. I know it's not a comfortable choice, but eventually. At least consider arranging to have a vacation longer than a few hours. It's possible, and she can be made comfortable. You have a life to explore, and a right to do so.

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks Paulette how's it going? Did you wind up in Kansas?

I would ask for the 5 day respite (really 3 full days) but last time she had a seizure on day 1 and It ruined the rest of the week because I was constantly worried and could not sleep! Plus...her mother and her friend cannot stay out of it but have to go sit in the respite facility causing me more stress. So no....

I cannot date anyway while she lives the men in my family are extremely faithful and loyal.

But!!! Soon as I am able I am taking a cruise, then spending some time at the beach in a condo hopefully with a lady.... and sailing my boat if is survives any hurricanes that may come....running in the Gulf Coast Running Club runs with large groups of people....and getting out. Oh! perhaps joining the or trying the gulf coast singles group based on the web sit you shared...what was that again something.city....great site.

For now...I am as always doing my daily 3.16 mile runs today in the rain which was great because it was cool.... doing my 100 sit ups and 45 push ups etc...I am at my weight of 162 best shape of my life since ... my early 40's at age 59.

I have been edging more to my masculine side but I will always be dressing because I am gender fluid so I am trying to strike the right balance and hoping to make myself more attractive to women and if one gets interested, right chemistry...learns enough about me to know that she is interested...that would be the right time to tell her I love wearing dresses and am gender fluid. OOPS....there goes another one...but perhaps I will get a weekend out of it before hand.

[Paulette]

Glad you're doing so well, Anne!

I've just been taken to task by a friend who responded to my statement (at least half in jest) that I am an old man.

He told of his grandfather at my age (76) who dressed in a three-piece suit every morning, and after breakfast walked two miles. After lunch he'd read until dinner, and then read until retiring for the night.

Aside from the 3-piece suit, that sounds good to me. I'd also spend much of the afternoon and evening writing as well as reading. I have begun exercising again, and hope to find a good yoga group. However most of my time in the immediate future will be taken up with getting established here and generally exploring. (See my thread elsewhere here.)

[Wesley]

Anne,

Just for the record, I am in a simular situation with my father. His dementia is not nearly as far along. But he reached a point about a year ago where I had to move back home to help take care of him. At 57, it is pretty depressing.

I have been an RN for 23 years as well.

If you ever need to chat, message or email me and I will give you my number.

Wesley

[Estefania]

Anne,

I'm very sorry for the situation you are facing with your wife.

The only one thing I will suggest is that perhaps looking for friends in a dating site may not be the best idea, since people in such sites are clearly looking for a life companion, and you seem to be looking for a friend (or several friends).

Have you tried creating a Facebook profile? You would be surprised of the kind of close friendships that can be developed there. I had a FB profile for Gaby for several years. I developed some really close friendship relationships with lots of people, both female and male. They all knew about me being a crossdresser, married, not looking for anything other than friendship. There are lots of people out there who may be able to identify with your situation, and you could really share what is going on with you and your wife, and once you have really grown into those online relationships (not limited to people looking for a partner) you may actually find out people in your area who will be willing to be that real life friend you are seeking for.

It will likely take some time, maybe a few months, but there are bunches of nice people who will welcome your friendship with open arms.

*hugs*
Gaby