"Well are you happy like that?"

[Anne Bonny]

OK...why!? What is just so wonderful about being a girl that I (a guy) am willing to endure the slings and arrows that accompany my being a girl? I mean...I am male so alot of grief accompanies life when we cannot help ourselves and find we just cannot avoid being this part of who we are. For what exactly...prettier more comfortable clothing? Oh yes...the clothing. But it is more than that...being a man is a drab heavy barren existence. Our emotions are hemmed in...our choice of clothing is hemmed in...what we can feel and like and express...hemmed in. Think about it...I went sailing and our sitter posted some beautiful pictures of me out there...there I was in a tan boonie hat and a long sleeve red shirt so I would not be burned to a chrisp...and an online lady "friend" teased me calling me "pinkie" well...it was not pink and it was a man's shirt...I let her know I am very secure about my sexuality. She persisted so I said it does not bother me "bring on the kilt" I am not yet out on FB. She stopped. Ha wonder why!? But I suppose women have an absolute freedom of expression still...it goes further than that...I cannot help that I love that freedom too and the clothing freedom again...experiencing and being able to openly express those emotions...express that yes I love that dress...aren't those flowers pretty? I am able to openly express how much I love what women are only allowed to love. It's not that I am interested in men...I'm not at all...children babies mothering pregnancy periods... no no and no....most typical hobbies gardening...sewing...needle point...knitting...no again. But the beauty of nature...how beautiful the beach is...or the lush forest..etc.... still I do enjoy and have an interest in sailing...fixing..wood work...but do not care for hunting, fishing, sports well some football...playing golf...or tennis jogging...but both sexes enjoy those. Gender is just something internal That you just cannot put a finger on yet it JUST IS. There is just something...I am not content being a man...it's just so dreary and drab...I hate abrasive overbearing domineering men I am so not like that it repels me I step back and am repulsed by it and I don't fit in...somehow I just don't fit in very well with men my interests and how I am inside is different. Perhaps that is why I am a loner? don't like being a man. But I am as in I exist as one because I am one. I can put on shorts..a tee shirt and deck shoes sit and relax watching tv...I can go mow the lawn..ugh...have a beer and talk...I love women...sailing..etc I have a twig and berries...30% greater strength than a woman...facial hair ugh...yuck! I can lead and confront if you make me...after all I was raised, conditioned, and given no other option in life than to be what I was supposed and expected to be...that or be teased "pinkie!" To go to school..have a career, marry...be a dad...ugh! Gaw..no shirking and if you show any thing inapproptiate in the slightest for a man...WHAM! I am a product of expectations that people had of me but the discontent is there...hidden inside closely guarded a very private secret and I was forced to keep it all inside...bottled up...couldn't let anyone know. My parents died not knowing my oldest sister still does not know..the neighbors well...hum? The world does not know but then the world hah the world will little note my passing when it comes. That secret is a part of myself and that part of who I am is consistent with those who are female. Part female..partly feminine...part very like unto...if not a woman. I mean no I am not a girl yet part of who I am is. Can't see any other way I just am...

What is it about women? They want their man to be a monolith...Big...strong...tough...uncomplaining..."a rock". While they are all emotional and weeping they want to look over at their big, strong, uneffected "Rock." When they are angry at us..."You unfeeling insensitive oaf!" They want to beat on their monolithic oaf as we stand there like some piece of wood un-effected but we waken from our slumber long enough to take note and go "Oh! OK I won't do that again..." When something breaks they want MR Fix it! to do their thing and .... fix it! Heavy lifting needed to move things... there we are again.... We are expected to be the bread winner and to get out of their space and be off at work while they are free to do with their life and their time whatever fulfills them until we come home and out comes the vacuum to pick out of our pockets the fruit of our labor... It's their's, not ours...we get lent! They get New clothes, gifts for family and friends, clothes for the kids, the bills paid, and on and on and on....If we want something it seems to be a topic that must be discussed depending on what it is and how much it costs. And when we go out...well we are expected to look like etched granite handsome in nice clothes after dragging a comb through our inch and a half of hair, and a fresh shave. We are also expected to be a source of pride, someone who's breadth of knowledge, who's intelligence and perspective on many subjects many that are entirely foreign to the female world makes them a little awe struck, secure, and a certain pride when pointing us out "That's MY husband over there...he's a rocket scientist!" So...We are the strong silent powerful beast...kind of the way men feel about something like a Lamborghini! Something strong, infused with testosterone, powerful, something we are a little afraid of but that is really really cool and very dependable, faithful, attached to them by ... Love and care. Is that about it...an accurate description of what women want? They want to melt in our strong dependable powerful handsome gentlemanly presence and we are a possession of theirs...their partner, boyfriend or husband or all of that. They expect us also to be infinitely romantic, a great dancer, ready in all the correct occasions to be dressed up and to be forth coming with outward displays of our affection for them flowers, candy, expensive jewelry, perfume, cards, fine dining with the violins, and a dance and a romantic gaze into their eyes as we take them into our large strong arms for a hug and a kiss and a dance...the intimacy of a couple... yeah...that is what women expect of us.

So...it must be for them incredibly deflating to their whole libido to find their man is not that concept etched into the granite of their brain by all that they have been raised to expect and to want. They look over at ... at what!? What are you doing in a dress and make up and ear rings and jewelry? what do you mean your gender is partly feminine!? What!? YOU'RE A MAN! ACT LIKE IT! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT GO TAKE THAT DRESS OFF AND PUT YOUR PANTS ON...I'M OUTTA HERE!" Bing! Yep that's it... I am as a heterosexual man...who is gender fluid literally what amounts quite literally at times to being a "Male Lesbian" (but you see very few women are able to see that as attractive THAT WOULD BE A RARE BIRD INDEED!) or what is known as a "DRAG King." I mean really our softer side when we are heterosexual and gender fluid would mean we would have to find a woman who actually likes and is attracted to us whatever mode we are in ...the granite side or the soft side....

The general public just will not and does not even want to try or to even be bothered with figuring us out for them we are just gay perverts who need to go away and slither under some rock and stay there as in they just wish we would go somewhere and die where no one would ever come across us. Disappear... But we have existed throughout all of time and in every corner of the world. We are not a "phenomenon" people know of us they just want to continue to deny that we do not fit in with their cis gender world as defined by their unrealistic moral code. Hum...c'est la vie...

[Anne Bonny]

You know? That's a pretty tall order...daunting...and I suppose part of myself would opt out at times....because I do not feel that I can always be all that or do not want to be all of that...suppose a lot of men would want to run away from that at times...but my wife could always get me to do it Wham! It is touch and go...perhaps that too has something to do with this flight to the softer side...perhaps it is like hunkering down in a bunker because it is a huge responsibility and the expectations are also! Scary, and for myself sometimes they are not but I eventually do come around and live up to it.

hum...so being a loner...and what? a coward? Well if running away from all of that makes me a coward or timid or fearful of it all...yes fear...god it is so hard.... I do come around and do it but with trepidation at times sometimes I step up to the plate and do it with force just as I am supposed to but I usually do come round so no it is kind of run and hide for a minute then "Over the top boys!!" Right into no man's land and into the slings and arrows coming our way.

Ha...I always teased my wife telling her I will protect you as long as you can run faster than I can! hahahahaha!!!


In the movie Elizabeth...Sir Walter Raleigh is describing to Queen Elizibeth...part of the fiction of the movie...about his fear at sea...and he states that Fear wells up inside of you but you press it down and bury it deep inside and keep going....

You endure and triumph!