Psychology of who we are...or at least who I am

[Anne Bonny]

Living with two genders you just have to learn to find a balance and then just go with it.... Do not push it too far or over reach. All of the time I am aware I am gender fluid. I pick up deoderant for Anne, and things she needs...but I also stock the things My male side needs too.

When my masculine side is fully seated and going along there is no desire to do or to be anything other than a man, and to do male things...there is no interest in the feminine...um....If I see a pretty dress or some pretty feminine shoes or sandals hum....there is a stir inside but that in itself does not pull my masculinity aside.

My feminine side is an occasional thing that comes and goes usually for a few hours in the morning...but I have really taken to sleeping in a night gown and panties...women's dresses and gowns are after all very comfortable and it is that very comfort along with my sense of being or of sharing an identity with women that my feminine side likes in wearing such things...I experience a sense of belonging...I suppose it makes me feel comfortable and secure...that I belong sort of in that I feel I share a connection with women and that I really love. I really enjoy that feeling of connection and of belonging and of being one with women...it is a secure feeling like being accepted and loved and safe. Though I have never really had any reason not to be...I was never abused in any way but I suppose I do have some feeling of being inadequate and insecure that my best is just not good enough, that I am not good looking, not very intelligent, do not measure up...and that is objectively all quite true.... We cannot all be handsome or pretty or Einstein...I do believe I am probably in the top 75 to 80% In intelligence...I did make very good grades when I applied myself and have my Master's Degree and believe my looks are average, there is nothing wrong with any of that.

That I do have a definite femininity inside of myself that is objectively just a part of who I am, have been and will always be. I love being a girl, or a woman or at least feeling I am in that range with them in many ways, thought not physically and indeed not fully mentally either my brain is male. I do love being with women and as a heterosexual I love them too.

[Stephanie M]

I'm not sure I'm living with 2 genders as much as I am a hybrid of both. I'm pretty much like stereo speakers with the balance totally centered, some people are nothing but right channel, or left, some are slightly more on one channel than the other but both speakers are putting out sound. What it all boils down to is more of what is being played than which side the music is coming out of. It just happens for men, society expects us to only broadcast from one channel, women are allowed to be more centered or even lean towards the other side and no one is bothered by it. As for me we all should be allowed to play our music in a way that we enjoy the sound.

I'm really the same person no matter what I'm wearing it just happens I enjoy dressing in femme and dress in drab for survival. A dress is a luscious desert for enjoyment, dressing drab is the vegetables that really don't have much flavor but are necessary to balance a diet.

I guess I'm full of metaphors tonight.

[Anne Bonny]

Yeah it is just a matter of perspective, how you view or understand it, looking at it from a different vantage point does not really make it different. At one time I saw it as having a blended gender but thing is when I am really on my male side the feminine is not there at all...no desire for any of it, and vice versa....I suppose sometimes I can feel it in the middle like panties under my normal clothes at those times, sometimes with a bra or sport bra too...My toe nails have been a shiny hard red and my legs shaved for the past week my guy finds that too much work to do anything about. My girl side says well...that's ok. Ha!

Yeah...I understand...but I am used to relaxing into my guy side and clothes and feeling just fine about it when the tide changes for me.

[Emily]

Great metaphors, Stephanie!

I think I'm like Stephanie here, maybe a hybrid of both genders. I don't feel much change at all either in guy mode of fem mode. Sure, when I'm dressed, I feel pretty, I feel more relaxed and at ease with myself... but in overall attitude, psychology... I'm pretty much the same person. Although, while in guy mode, I keep thinking that I'd rather be en femme. This wasn't always the case, but it has become so in recent months.

My SO has told me before that I'm more of a woman than her. I suppose its true in some ways. While she is through and through a strong, beautiful independent woman, her attitude is very much "male" and "no BS". She's tough... very tough, and she'll take on any guy - some are actually afraid of her - true story! She's not in any way shape or form a "butch", far from it, but some of the things she says... her sense of humour... are probably more in line with a guy's than a woman's IMO. She says that I'm sometimes too effeminate. People at work, my friends... they often tell me that "I'm acting like a woman", or they say things like "I wonder about you sometimes..." This used to bug me, but now I find it a compliment!

At the end of the day, I honestly don't give it much thought. I am who I am. Using Anne's example, if I were to see a pretty pair of sandals or a dress even while in guy mode, I immediately think "would that suit me" "do I want that" "how much?". If its something I really want, then I in my head, I might be like "ooooh... I WANT IT!!!" But its funny though... I don't even look at guy clothes anymore. I can't even remember the last time I bought pants. And the only shirts I buy are at concerts (which I do go to a lot and which is why I can really appreciate Stephanie's musical metaphors especially, LOL!).

[Stephanie M]

I'm like you Lexi when it comes to buying clothes, I have bought 2 pairs of man jeans in the past 5 years and that was just a week or so ago, I also buy concert Tees on the rare occasion we get to go to one, other than that any clothing purchase is for Stephanie.

My marriage is a bit like yours my wife is more masculine when it comes to emotions and stuff like that than I am, and she's not "butch" either.

[Lacey Hadley]

I believe most of us have struggled with coping with our cding side and likely femme feelings and our genetic male side especially as we grew into manhood. Confusion and anger at our cding side probably has rung loud and clear to each of us at times. But as time passes we are confronted with TWO choices.

1: Keep living in denial that our femme/cding side is for one reason or another a part of who we are and will stay with us for life. Denial will ultimately make one feel in despair, unsatisfied and unhappy. It will likely affect our relations with family, friends and intimate friends to S.O.s. They will all indirectly or directly be victims in our denial. We can just keep blowing it off and when we crossdress and act our feminine feelings we will enjoy it but after beat ourselves up for feeling it. thus the punishment of beating ourselves up will allow us to stay in denial.

2: Get on the journey to try to understand this side of us. A journey we will likely be on for life. The first step of said journey will be a step towards accepting this side of us. It may take a long while to reach a point of our general acceptance but it must be the first part of this journey. Once we reach a level of acceptance, we then can work on understanding what our cding and femme side can mean for us. What it means for each of us to be crossdressers and express in some way our feminine side. A part of it will be sexual, another mental as bringing our feminine side into our normal male world. From the the journey takes us to expression and enjoyment of this side. Do we express it quietly or all out overtly? How much effort will we give to our cding and femme side. Who and how will we share this side with?

For myself I live fine in my day to day life as an adult male. I have no problem with being such. My mind and ways are typically male with male normative interests. But my feminine side of cding and of a certain femininity does every so quietly mix in with my day to day male life. I can crossdress under male clothes, I can sit at home say at night and put on a pair of heels to lounge around with. I can see women on t.v and in movies and as a guy think no only is she cute, sexy or hot, but Hmmm I love her clothes, shoes/boots, hair and makeup and find those thoughts even just being a dude in drab exciting.

When I decide to dress though I most often want to not just put on a full female outfit, I want to do my hair and make up too. I want to see and feel "Lacey" I want to be the girl I envision Lacey to be. I love so much that side of me, utterly feminine, cute and sexy. I want Lacey to play and enjoy being the girl inside me.

This trans-formative idea of my cding into being enfemme can only come with my accepting that cding has been, is and will be a part of who I am, therefore I need to understand it all and then enjoy the cding and my femme side.

I have grown out of many struggles of my cding side to open my mind as a male to see I have a strong feminine side and a desire to crossdress into a girl at times. To not beat myself up and to accept it all as hard as it still may be at times. The struggle between manhood and crossdressing will be a part of me, but I can't live my life angry, confused and hating myself. So I now love what being Lacey is to me. She is me and I am her. Her feminine side floats under my male life. My male side though is not lost when I am dressed as my femimine side Lacey.

[Stephanie M]

We can just keep blowing it off and when we crossdress and act our feminine feelings we will enjoy it but after beat ourselves up for feeling it. thus the punishment of beating ourselves up will allow us to stay in denial

I was like that for years.

Get on the journey to try to understand this side of us. A journey we will likely be on for life. The first step of said journey will be a step towards accepting this side of us. It may take a long while to reach a point of general acceptance but it must be the first part of this journey.

That's where I'm at now. It helps having a supportive wife, who probably is a touch annoyed with my obsession over this, but she also knows that it will tone back down to a dull roar soon. I'm like this with everything new in my life.

 
Post subject: 
Re: Psychology of who we are...or at least who I am
 
I believe most of us have struggled with coping with our cding side and likely femme feelings and our genetic male side especially as we grew into manhood. Confusion and anger at our cding side probably has rung loud and clear to each of us at times. But as time passes we are confronted wit TWO choices.

1: Keep living in denial that our femme/cding side is for one reason or another a part of who we are and will stay with us for life. Denial will ultimately make one feeling in despair, unsatisfied and unhappy. It will likely affect our relations with family, friends and intimate friends to S.O.s. They will all indirectly or directly be victims in our denial. We can just keep blowing it off and when we crossdress and act our feminine feelings we will enjoy it but after beat ourselves up for feeling it. thus the punishment of beating ourselves up will allow us to stay in denial.

2: Get on the journey to try to understand this side of us. A journey we will likely be on for life. The first step of said journey will be a step towards accepting this side of us. It may take a long while to reach a point of general acceptance but it must be the first part of this journey. Once we reach a level of acceptance, we then can work on understanding what our cding and femme side can mean for us. What it means for each of us to be crossdressers and express in some way our feminine side. A part of it will be sexual another mental as bringing our feminine side into our normal male world. From the the journey takes us to expression and enjoyment of this side. Do we express it quietly or all out overtly? How much effort will we give to our cding and femme side. Who and how will we share this side with?

For myself I live fine in my day to day life as an adult male. I have no problem with being such. My mind and ways are typically male with male normative interests. But my feminine side of cding and of a certain femininity does every so quietly mix in with my day to day male life.

That's me too.

[Anne Bonny]

Wow such a wonderful discussion I am enjoying it. I am interested endlessly fascinated cannot help myself.

Part of being who we are is that we are not always on our prissy sissy effeminate side of our personality.... In fact even when I am on my feminine side I am not prissy or sissy. I suppose I just feel more effeminate internally. I become more oriented toward or interested in things which tend to be more of interest to women than to men. I also want to dress in feminine clothing of course because I really feel so identified with women. I feel as If I am sharing something with other women though always with the clarification that I am not and can never be a woman. I just feel very close to them inside myself. Hence being able to make myself up, get dressed up and have the complete freedom to be that part of who I am inside and just keep doing whatever I was doing at the time for however long this lasts...riding it out not because it is something to be endured but something that is very pleasant and wonderful that I enjoy because this is who I am when I am here. Yeah...I really enjoy being a girl.

But we also live just about every day and most of our time as men in our male clothing doing male things from our male perspectives and simply moving along through that part of who we are. We love women and think them beautiful and a treasure in our lives. I have found my wife is the one who made my life wonderful, yes that is a romanticized look back because sure there were boring times, struggle, frustrations, and lots and lots of work and tasks and bills...that is life but overall we loved each other and yes our life together was wonderful. In my male self there are lists, and goals and work and things to get done every single day. As a man yeah things break or need maintenance and I do those things or see they are taken care of. I really miss having my wife there sometimes to poke and prod, or to share an idea, or to agree or to bolster my decisions spurring me to go ahead on what we agreed was best. Now there is no one.

I suppose I am just documenting that there is a balance but I can be either side of who I am the two are not in conflict but the male part does the male things and the female part does the female things. Anne is not really involved in refitting my sail boat, and my male self is not really involved in doing feminine things. My guy side does housework, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping etc...but so does Anne. Anne also loves to shop sometimes and would enjoy being with women if they were accepting and supportive and encouraging.

Clarify that Personality is fixed we only have who we basically are...but while there is some blending ... like a gender in a blender ... I still find or feel more feminine or more masculine and that is just another way of seeing what I am experiencing within myself but I also acknowledge that there is some blending I am probably a more sensitive and caring person all the time. Gee...gotta go run!!! bye.

[Stephanie M]

Part of being who we are is that we are not always on our prissy sissy effeminate side of our personality.... In fact even when I am on my feminine side I am not prissy or sissy. I suppose I just feel more effeminate internally

I'm the same way, however I tend to believe that femininity isn't necessarily prissy or sissy. I know very few prissy women but they are feminine, personally I prefer women who aren't the prissy type. My wife isn't the least bit prissy and you have to damn near put a gun to her head to wear a dress most of the time

But we also live just about every day and most of our time as men in our male clothing doing male things from our male perspectives and simply moving along through that part of who we are. We love women and think them beautiful and a treasure in our lives.

I believe that men like us are much more attentive lovers and care much more about satisfying our partner's needs both in the bedroom and through life.

[Lacey Hadley]

I agree that we as crossdressers are not women, no matter how much effort we make in dressing up. Transgender is different in that they are doing things to become the gender they believe the are inside. A MTF TGer IMO is a woman in all purposes, just as an FTM is a man because these TGers are actively living and portraying the gender they believe they must be. As a CDer I am not, I only slip into the role of femininity when I dress fully as Lacey. As such I portray my ideal female self to how I want Lacey to be seen and respected. I appear as a woman, act as one and want to be treated as one. I though in a matter of minutes can be right back to my normal male self. When I put on female items of clothes but still look as a male, I am a male, I am not trying to be Lacey. I am a dude who wears some female clothing, my mind may find going to places of Lacey like things and feelings, as such these come forth but only to compliment my existing male side, which is also pleasurable.

Dressing fully as Lacey, make up, hair, full outfit, shoes/boots etc. is much more work. The urge to transform my look to that of Lacey can be very compelling. My mind has usual just like most GG's do pick out and put together clothing, shoes and boots as well as make up choices such as eye shadows and lipstick colours. My dude side dresses well enough and I coordinate a look to not look goofy or as if I don't give a crap as a guy, but when I know I am going to fully dress as Lacey from outfit, hair (wig choices) make up and shoes/boots may have been thought about and pictured in my mind could be many hours or even a day before I find the time to dress up. It's quite fun for me. I recall my then wife being very much the same. She could be in the bedroom a night before work day (the job had a dress code) going through her clothes even ironing stuff, I'd come in to see what she was doing to have her tell me she was putting together a work outfit for the next day. Back then my CDing was very immature, limited and secretive. Lacey had no make up and no abundance of clothes and shoes/boots, so the dude in me would sort of roll my eyes as I did not really grasp the whys of how a female felt she needed to dress.

My journey to self-discovery as crossdresser and as Lacey over the last oh 10 maybe 15 years has seen me come a long way to the concept of all female clothing and if dressing fully the idea of coordination of outfits, shoes/boots, hair, make up even accessories like jewelry. I see it now! It can be a lot of work but for me can be enjoyable the putting together of a look and outfit. At times the only tedious part can be the basics of prep. Doing a careful and close shave, then the work of trying to make my dude's face look more feminine requires the work of cover up, foundation, contouring and such to have a facial pallet ready to fully feminize to my best abilities. Doing my eyes is the real kicker. I find that really takes me from a dude wearing women's clothes to a female character who is Lacey. It is also quite tedious as getting my eyes looking as feminine as I can takes the most time after getting my base foundation down pat. Powder contouring, blush, lipstick etc all then fall into place. But for us dudes it takes even more time and work than for most GG's as a GG still looks like a woman even sans make up. But I do now understand why it takes a GG time to get ready before she goes out trying to look her best.

For me it takes close to 45 minutes to shave, brush the ivories, and get my make up on. I do not always enjoy this part. But I endure it at times as once my face is done and I begin dressing, each step that follows and I have a full length mirror in my bedroom to view each, excitingly sees Lacey come forth. It is such a joy. The outfit coordination makes me happy and proud as a dude being a girl to know how to put together a look or style. Again as a guy I dress well enough but we guys do not have to put as much thought into it. As a girl I/we have to but it is so worth it in the end. This learning fashion and coordination even out and about as a dude has me see some GG's having little to no clue and I find it odd how poorly or lazy some GG's dress today. Even as a guy I dress well enough to look respectful to my eyes and mind and not just to how I want others to see me. I have worked most of my life in a 'professional' industry where being in public and dealing with others is important. My then wife helped to teach my male side to look good and professional, as Lacey it's all amped up for me.

To finish up putting on the wig of my choice BINGO! BONGO! BOOM! CHAKALAKA! finishes my transformation into being Lacey. I see her image full dressed in my F/L mirror and LOVE IT! LOVE HER! Then I step into a pair of shoes or boots, with some boots I have to pull up zippers and with some shoes do up straps and that is quite enjoyable too.

Dressed as Lacey takes my crossdressing to its max. The work pays off and I enjoy being feminine and yes sexy. My mind goes to where I believe it should be if I was a GG and if Lacey was a full time girl. I do not do male things dressed as her. As her I do unisex stuff or feminine things. Lacey is feminine, yes my real life male persona is there. One's character is entrenched but he now floats beneath her surface. Where as most of the time in my life Lacey as my feminine alter ego floats beneath my typical male life/persona.

When I am able to dress fully as Lacey I am the most at peace with myself and life. Escaping to her fulfills urges that just wearing some female clothes under my male clothes can't fully do. Yes, under dressing and even putting on heels as a male in a normal day is ok, fun, but dressing fully as Lacey is escapism for me. If I could not be able to dress as Lacey when time allows, I'd shortly be MISERABLE! and an ahole. I'd likely have a good chance of contemplating suicide. Looking back on my life flawed as it has been and is, I'd likely not choose to be a crossdresser if it were a true choice. Yes, I can choose not to dress but again not doing so would rather quickly take me a to a dark place in my mind and life.

I did not choose to be a crossdresser. I hate reading or hearing from others that think they know me/us better than me/us, telling me/us CDing is a choice, a bad or sick choice. How dare they? I know myself best, just as you do yourselves be you a CDer or a TGer. Being a Cder has cost me in my life, but if I must be one I will choose how I live to be one and how I accept it, not other often self-righteous and hypocritical in life people. Cding in part, under male clothes or fully as Lacey HURTS NOBODY! It is only a part of who I am.

[Stephanie M]

Hi Lacey, yes this isn't a choice. Honestly who would choose this? It's like my gay friends have said I wouldn't have chosen to be like this in a million years, but it's who I am. The only choice in this is what color dress we put on.

The reality is I believe we all have to suppress enough things within ourselves to survive in society, like the urge to strangle your boss, so we really shouldn't have to suppress this in addition to everything else. We aren't hurting anyone, and some of us may look ridiculous like I do, but so what. This is who we are and we have the right, the obligation to be who we are no matter who that is, as long as no one gets hurt it's no one's business but ours.

[Lacey Hadley]

Hi Lacey, yes this isn't a choice. Honestly who would choose this? It's like my gay friends have said I wouldn't have chosen to be like this in a million years, but it's who I am. The only choice in this is what color dress we put on.

The reality is I believe we all have to suppress enough things within ourselves to survive in society, like the urge to strangle your boss, so we really shouldn't have to suppress this in addition to everything else. We aren't hurting anyone, and some of us may look ridiculous like I do, but so what. This is who we are and we have the right, the obligation to be who we are no matter who that is, as long as no one gets hurt it's no one's business but ours.

Hi Stephanie we all look as beautiful as we feel. Yes, even as individuals we all have to suppress feelings we have to get along.

[Stephanie M]

Looking at your picture you must feel really beautiful if we are as beautiful as we feel.
I pretty much feel like an average girl when dressed. Maybe if I learn the art of makeup that will change.

[Lacey Hadley]

Each of us as CDers are in our own place. Some of us are ok with dabbling in clothing and shoes, others will take it up further to include hair/wigs and make up. For me most of my adult life I was not to the point of full on dressing including hair and makeup. CDing was combining dressing in various clothing and shoes and my imagination. As time passed by I decided to learn about style, fashions, makeup and how I can use make up to make me feel more feminine. Finding the right wigs (if you are unable to do your own hair in a feminine style) though will help take a CDer from imagination to the feminine illusion.

This will add expenses as you move from say a few articles of clothes and such to a building wardrobe. My feminine wardrobe is considerably larger today than it was say 10-15 years ago. I have more feminine clothes than male clothes now. I keep trying to stop but then I see clothes I love as a girl and budget then to buy them . Shoes and boots, OMG I have so many pairs of both. I see why so many GG's have many pairs of shoes and boots. It can all be $$$$. THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER PURGE OUT OF ANGER OR CDER GUILT!!! It costs too much money. Now add all the make up we need, well err want and even modest priced wigs can add up, but for me and as Lacey it's all now important to my life.

If one moves to makeup and how to use it will require learning (thank you YOUTUBE) and trial and error to one's own face, features and style. Before Youtube I made a lot more cosmetics mistakes than not But it was all a part of my journey. For me I was never much of a sun worshiper so my skin is still quite smooth and for a dude quite soft. But I still had to learn about cover up (for any beard shadow) foundation, contouring and how to use it all, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, blush, lip liner and lipstick.

For us guys we likely did not learn it as teens like most girls did/do, we ham fisted our way to it and boy did I make a lot of make up mistakes probably still do. Of course pulling off a femme look will require a bit of bravery, first the easy stuff clipping one's nose hairs, ear hairs and cleaning up one's eye brows. Many of us can't really go to a feminine eye brow arch without fearing people noticing when we are in drab, BUT! one can clean up the uni-brow many males have, clip the length of our often over grown eye brow hairs, and pluck at minimum the stray hairs we may have. From there you may want to pluck your brows to thin them out a bit but keeping them still boy looking and if you are brave do more arch work to feminize one's brows.

I keep my eye brows more androgynous and I am lucky my natural brow colour is light. So when I make them up en femme I use a medium to darker pencil to draw my shape which makes the lighter brow hairs to fade away from the ones I shape with a pencil and colour fill in with darker but not too dark eye shadow to make a bit of a feminine arch. But I also wear wigs that have bangs, as first bangs seem to suit my face shape and second long bangs cover a bit of my brows hiding the lack of a steep feminine arch.

Now I'm not saying a CDer must do all this to feel beautiful, feminine and even girly girl, but if one does go down the make up route , learning how to do and use your make up will really make the transformation to looking more feminine greatly. Again YOUTUBE is a place to start learning this stuff. There are many great You Tubers with make up advice and tutorials but I especially like Wayne Goss for a pro make up artist and for being a dude who does tutorials using his own face.

But no matter what its all about each of our own journeys of self discovery. We all go to where we all are comfortable as CDers and as life takes one if they are TG.

[Emily]

Honestly who would choose this?

If given the opportunity, I honestly feel that I personally would have chosen this - I love being Lexi! Having said that, I just wish I would have found self-realization, self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-actualization years ago. Either that... OR, again, given the ability to choose, I feel that I would have just chosen to be female. But you can't choose, so you learn to live within the boundaries set by family, society, friends, etc... Sometimes we try to escape, sometimes we live comfortably within, finding our own inner sense of peace, joy and fulfillment. We each find our selves eventually....

My marriage is a bit like yours my wife is more masculine when it comes to emotions and stuff like that than I am, and she's not "butch" either.

I get it. Emotions and the like... I'll tear up during a sad movie. She's often unmoved. And when it comes to intimacy, well typically the guy is the one who always wants it, and the woman says no. Complete role reversal in my relationship. I don't like saying no, I can tell it makes her upset and I end up feeling bad too. I just can't quite figure out why. Does it have anything to do with crossdressing and the psychology behind it? Maybe. Probably. I really can't think of any other reason behind it... Ugh... just makes your head spin sometimes trying to put it all together and keeping it together.