Am I Trans? Probably not but?

[Anne Bonny]

I am not entirely certain but I ....
Well My first memories...noticing and feeling the stocking on my grandma's leg and rubbing it with my hand...my grandma said "Stop that!" I may have stepped into my grandma's shoes too once. It is a piece of memory filed in my brain from 56 years ago. Another was my sister telling me she wished she had a little sister and then in play slipping a dress over my head which stayed on for a minute or so. Another was after soaking my clothes in washing down the deck of my parent's boat I was stripped and an adult T shirt put on me and I was taken to the car by my sister...I remember thinking this is like wearing a dress. I was kind of distressed or embarrassed and did not want to walk to the car by myself but when my sister went with me I was ok. Another time a cousin looking for pants in a box of cast off clothes to change me into because the wet spot was too big...he slipped a navy girl's jumper over my head as a joke and in a falsetto stated "My what a pretty little girl!"  finally about the age of 8 or 9 little boys begin to discover their bodies and sexuality and find for some reason sensations which feel good. about this time in a nearly vacant rental apartment of my grandmothers I discovered a maternity dress (I do not remember why it is I knew it was a maternity dress) thinking back and a pair of pantie hose and the idea crossing my mind in a thrill to strip and put them on and how much I enjoyed it and then managed to go back again several times which was probably the start of my desire to wear feminine clothing. 

This is different than as a toddler feeling different and wishing I were the princess in the fairy tail, feeling I wanted to be a girl...though now that I think about it there were a few early episodes with a puppy love female playmate older than myself pretending I was a baby as I lay there for her nothing sexual at all just that. I remember at times wanting to wear a dress...in play. I remember a cub scout Halloween party where one of the scouts came as Aunt Jemima running around in a red pok-a-dot dress and black tights and I wished I could too. I remember in 6th grade a group of us boys pleading in class wishing we could have a wear dresses to school day and really wanting it, of course that didn't happen... As time went on I found if I were home alone I began to search for cast off female clothes to try on and so it went into my early to mid teens. 

Thing is This is different than what transsexuals report. It has been from an early age memories back as early as 3 or 4. The desire became something persistent starting about age 8 or 9 and was associated with the time of discovering my own sexual pleasure...self discovery. But I cannot say I felt that I was different or felt that I was a girl at that time...I was and had a pretty normal childhood growing up as a boy with no desire to play with dolls or with toys that were feminine at all...I would have shunned them as sissy. 

So I do not believe I would be considered transsexual based on that. I would though fit under the term transgender, transvestite, cross dresser, or gender fluid...pretty safe bet but I don't have any idea what a gender therapist would say about it.

Even so lately I have begun to wonder about desires to go further...pierced ears....nothing to hardly everyone and not a big deal. But interested in having Laser hair removal on my face and chest though my body hair is luckily scant as a guy. I am also interested in Estrogen and SRS but that would be no more than an interest in the distance something to consider and to think about. I am interested in coming out more and have it seems been living more openly but still bowing to conformity when I feel I need to for comfort. I just feel estrogen would soften my muscles, and appearance...soften sex drive and ability to have an erection too...but...at 59 I have two sons. Like the question wear your forms all the time...dress all the time would you ever have a time when you would not want that or would regret it...if you were taken as a female and if I looked female and always felt female, and confident and comfortable? You know? probably not. 

Am I trans enough to transition?... Hum...fully?... Hum...

Thing is we all know there is a limit weight loss, hair, being toned and fit, make up, nails, shaving, clothes will never take us all the way across that line and we know to get there where we have faces filled out and softened, along with our legs arms and shoulders with softening of the sinuous and square muscle definition to more rounded limbs and shoulders, where all of our facial hair is gone never to return, and any hair on our chest too, and finally through elective and cosmetic surgery we will never achieve our full potential where we can live and be more fully accepted as women unless we tell others we are trans...well some are more flawless and beautiful, than others.

And some of us have to settle for and continue to live within limits which are appropriate for each of us as individuals.