A delemma

[Sarah Beth]

I have of late been having some emotional struggles and haven't been participating much here or anywhere for that matter. My wife, who in the past was while somewhat hot and cold on my dressing has now gone completely cold to the whole idea of me dressing. This has all led to me having second thoughts and going through that struggle again of who am I and where do I belong in this world.

My aging ailing parents seem to constantly need something from me to the point where I don't have time to work and as a result my income has suffered since I am self employed and if I am not working I am not earning. So I have had a lot of stress lately and while I know deep down that I cannot change I have been thinking about just getting rid of most of what I have and just keeping a few things stashed so I can let Sarah out when it gets to be to much.

Then to add to all the stress I was already feeling I received a letter from the woman who abetted, encouraged, enlightened me when I was in my early teens and first dressing up as a "girl". It has been something like fifty years since I have seen or hear anything from or about her so it was a shock to receive this letter. She tells me that in a couple of months she is going to be in a town not to far from me and she would like for me to come there and see her. She doesn't say much about her life or anything else not even much about what we shared together. She just says she would like to see me if I could manage to please come there to see her.

I am not sure what to do or how I really feel about seeing her after all this time. It hurt me deeply when she left although as I grew up I understood it had to be that way and it wasn't something about me or against me that caused her to leave. So I need to know if I should go to see her and just let it pass and let the past be in the past?

I have not told my wife about the letter, she does know what happened between me and this woman and I have to wonder if she doesn't blame her for how I turned out in some way. So do I show my wife the letter and ask her what she thinks? I have a pretty good idea what her reaction would be but I still on some level think if I am going to go see the woman who was more or less there for my Sarah beginning that my wife should know but I am actually afraid to tell her.

Sorry if this rambles around but I am really shaken by this.

[Anthony Simon]

I agree that you have to tell your wife. Other than that, don't throw away your stuff - I don't think it can help.

[Davita]

Sarah,
The easy answer first. Don't purge. It does nothing for you but costs money and you said funds are tight. The better half knows you have stuff, so just put it away.

Next, your parents are probably eligible for state or county adult and aging services which could pick up some of the things you are doing. Don't tell me you are too busy to look into it; that's the wrongest answer to fix anything. If you can't do it and your better half wants you to be working, then put her to the task of finding out what help your parents can get and free you up. Also, is your better half doing nothing to help with your? If that's so; that's awfully one sided and selfish.

Now, that woman of the past. What would you gain telling the better half? She's all ready poo pooing on you and telling her will make that better? You don't actually have to see her in person do you? Wouldn't you be calling her to set up a meeting? Why not ask her what's going on and if she can't say anything, then I would be suspect that you're getting into yet another can of worms.

That's my 1/2 cent.

[Heather W]

As for the advice on purging and what to do to seek help with your parents Davita has given you some excellent advice. You don't say whether you have any siblings Sarah Beth. Can't they be of some help?

As for the letter out of the blue from a woman you have had no contact with in 50 years, well I have to tell you that bringing it up with your wife can lead to no good. Now IMO even thinking of meeting this woman opens up so many possibilities, all bad. I am assuming you love your wife and wish to stay married to her and if that is the case throw that initial letter away and should you receive any more correspondence throw it away unopened!

[Rikki]

I agree with Heather totally.

Rikki

[DonnaT]

Purging only results in wishing your hadn't.

Send the lady a letter explaining your are married, and any meeting or further correspondence would only put that in jeopardy.

[LouiseK (F)]

After so many years the chances are that you two are going to be completely different people, sometimes the past is best left in the past.
Having said that if you do meet her then you must tell your wife.
You have a lot going on in your life and it sounds like you are doing the best you can so don't beat yourself up, there will be good times again.

I have to say I don't really understand the feelings behind purging so forgive me if I am wrong but is it not like you are blowing hot and cold with the cross dressing in much the same way you say your wife does? Perhaps its a similar process for her?

As your wife knows can you not just pack your pretty things away instead of getting rid of?

[Eileen (SO)]

Taking care of aging parents will be stressful, your wife should be helping without asking. Look into getting additional/professional help so you can work.
Don't purge, you'll hate doing so later.

And burn that letter before your wife finds it! Even thinking of meeting that woman is big trouble. Wipe it from your mind, as if it never happened.

Eileen

[Ralitsa]

I agree with everyone else.
I'll only add this: your wife should be helping out with the income to let you have some time for your parents. I'm sure there are county and state programs than can help also, but when it comes down to it, that's not the same as being there when your parents need you to be. The whole point of being married is to share the burdens of life.

About that woman from 50 years ago...... After all this time, if she expects an answer then she needs to supply a legitimate reason for A) why she is writing now; B) why you should care. Just some random letter out of the blue that say's "come hither because I beckon you" is a whole lot of organic fertilizer. Perhaps she is moments away from dying of cancer and wants to apologize for the way she treated you back then, who knows, but I doubt it. Call me cynical, but my money says that her former meal ticket ended and she's looking for a new one.
Your problems with your wife may be whatever they are, but at least she has been with you for the past xx years. You made a commitment to your wife, you didn't make a commitment to any other woman (or at least I presume you haven't.......... have you?????)

[Marissa Mae]

Sarah Beth —

I cannot add more to the generally good advice everyone else has offered. I don't know how I would cope with these challenges. I do hope, however, that in time you will let us know how you were able to deal with them. I think it would be very helpful and informative to the rest of us as we face our own situations.

I wish you the very best as you go forward. Be brave, and fair, and try to act in ways you won't regret later.

Marissa Mae

[Sarah Beth]

I want to thank you all for your responses. I am at a time in my life when I always thought I would be able to really enjoy who I am and enjoy life but I guess we rarely get what we want.

The thing with my parents, my wife does help out with what she can with my parents but particularly my dad wants me there and not her. We drive them everywhere they need to go out of town and my dad doesn't like the way my wife drives for some reason. I did have her take them last week thought because I was busy working.

I know some of you were talking about services that could help out with my parents but sadly there are just none available where we live. I live in a town with a population of under 1500 there are no towns within 50 miles that are any bigger. The closed the rest home here a while ago and I know from someone who works at the hospital that it will probably close by the end of the year they haven't had a doctor there for almost six months now. The state of Kansas is broke and no signs of that changing soon and they had already closed the Social Services office here years ago. I really do live on the edge of oblivion here.

The thing with the woman from my past I wrote to her and told her that I didn't understand why after all these years she wanted to see me. I told her if she could explain to me why that I might consider meeting her. I also showed her letter to my wife who had seen the envelope and asked who this person was. My wife knew about her and what went on it was part of what my wife I talked about when my wife first found out about me being a crossdresser. I told m wife that I was writing back and told her that I would keep her informed. She didn't say much about it but she didn't seem mad or concerned about it either. I think she knows that I wouldn't go behind her back and do something anyway.

At this point I don't have anything resolved but I was relieved to see that my feelings were for the most part backed up by the others here as far as the woman from my past were concerned. It was just such a shock and really puzzling as to why she would want to see me.

[Anthony Simon]

I am at a time in my life when I always thought I would be able to really enjoy who I am and enjoy life but I guess we rarely get what we want.

Given what you said before, your wife probably needs to hear about your feelings. From my perspective it sounds as though you're getting overloaded and need a little space (not necessarily time, space).

[Eileen (SO)]

Even in the middle of nowhere, there are people that can help you. 1500 folks in town, a closed rest home and closing hospital. The help you need doesn't have to come from government. All those folks out of work or retired, there must be someone that wants to make their life more fulfilling by helping a family in need. You can earn more, they get some income, less stress all around. And if Dad doesn't like someone's driving, he can either walk to wherever or stay home.

You told you wife about this letter?! There's only one reason a woman would reconnect after all these years and your wife knows it.

.

She didn't say much about it but she didn't seem mad or concerned about it either. I think she knows that I wouldn't go behind her back and do something anyway.

The male part of your brain thinks she's OK with you writing back. Too late now. You'll regret ever mentioning it. This will bite you in the padded behind soon enough. Wife is stressed enough dealing with Pops bitchin' about her driving and then some former lover is writing to her husband. Good Luck! For the rest of your life, anytime you go out, your wife might suspect you're seeing 'her'.
If I seem too harsh or blunt, deal with it. Opinions were asked and I gave mine, even if I hope I'm wrong.

Eileen

[Heather W]

Sarah Beth you have told us all about the rest home closing, the hospital closing, the Social Services office closing, etc. You have never once said what you have done to seek help with your parents. I find it very difficult to accept there are absolutely no resources around you. Have you searched the websites of the county, the state, etc. to find out what is available, even if you have to drive several hours to sign up for it? Certainly the state of Kansas cannot be totally devoid of resources and help for our aging senior citizens. As for your parents complaining about your wife's or for that matter anyone's driving, offer to buy them some bicycles!

Again as I and others tried to tell you this "mystery" woman from past would lead to no good. You have opened Pandora's Box here and there is no closing it. I wish you luck with the situation but I can tell you that you better hope and pray your wife will have more understanding about the situation than I know I would have.

[Berta G.]

Hi Sara Beth,

I've come across your post somewhat late in its existence.

I can share some actual experiences with you and hope they will add to all the excellent support and advice you've received here already with your "dilemma".

The easiest first; UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER PURGE SARA BETH'S THINGS!! This has been unanimous advice from all of us and you must adhere to it. Early on in my closeted crossdressing when my wife accidentally discovered my Berta items we nearly had WWIII (World War 3). Some years before this she had informed me she no longer wanted to have sex. (To this day about 35-40 years later we still haven't and I no longer can due to prostate removal.) I was traveling for business and the old feminine urges I'd had as a child and teenager came roaring back! So I shopped for simple femme things that I could wear in my room like nightgowns, slips, panties etc. Arriving home from one of my trips I was called into our office for a meeting. While away my wife thought she'd help me out and unpacked my suitcase to get started on laundering my things. When I got home I could tell something was wrong as she was really upset with me. Turns out she thought I was having an affair with another woman! (That will never happen as I'm true to my marriage vows and it will be 56 years in August!) When I finally convinced her the femme lingerie was mine that didn't help much. I tried to explain but she would have none of it. After a week or so she came to me and said if you'll stop wearing those femme things you've bought and get rid of them I'll agree to have sex with you again. PURGE #1 was completed within a week. 1.5 years later still no sex and "Mary Palm" was still my only release and my femme need was building strongly. I was sent away for 4 weeks of training and after 2 miserable nights in my hotel room I went shopping again. I probably spent $500 on more lingerie, negligee/peignoir sets slips and gowns all in fine satin and lace. The rest of that 4 week stay was fantastic as I slept so well all wrapped in satin! A month or 2 later and after many more purchases my wife again discovered my femme things where I thought I'd successfully hidden them. Ultimately PURGE #2 happened, but still no sexual interest or copulation on her part. It was around this time that I discovered MSN's online Crossdresser chat room. That has been the biggest influence in my "Berta" life and I miss it terribly. All on there were a huge help to all us many conflicted males with strong feminine needs and desires. There were doctors and ministers on there who were a part of our lifestyle. Through chats with them I discovered that we are what we are and that will not and can not ever change! Once I heard and accepted that proven fact I decided that I would do my thing as I'd kept my part of the bargain but my wife had not!! I have once again built up my Berta collection and am in satin panties, at least, every day. I will never ever purge again. I know I've been quite lengthy with this but I'm trying to share my experience with you along with my discoveries so you won't make the same mistake and then eventually regret it. The suggestion to box your things up and store until Sara Beth can come out again is the best possible advice we all can share with you. If you get rid of them you'll eventually regret it. (When I think of the gorgeous things I've tossed it makes me sick as they are no longer available anymore!)

The next item; Help With your Parents. I know what you're going through as we had the same situation with my Dad who was blind living alone and in his 80's. We put a $100,000 addition on and improvements in our home so we could care for him here. As you read above I traveled a lot so the chore of care giving fell upon my wife once we moved him in. The relatives who had been helping with him stopped once he was here so 99% of the work fell upon my wife and that was not how I'd planned for it to be. When he was alone he received "Meals on Wheels" delivered to him on the 5 week days only. He died after only 2 years with us. I pride myself on being a good church member and attend every Sunday with my wife. Whenever I hear of a need within our Church or community I volunteer to help out with driving or whatever I can possibly do. I know you've shared how everything is closing in your area of Kansas but I'm willing to bet you that there is a church or fraternal organization still in your area. A call to them will not hurt and just may help solve your need for help.

Lastly, you've already shared it with your wife and contacted "the other woman from 50 years ago". As follow up replies have shared you may regret having done that. 50 years is 1/2 a century and a lot changes in that amount of time. So tread softly and really consider the good advice already given to "not assume your wife is OK with it". We of the M>F Crossdressing community may want to dress and look like a woman but we will never think like a woman and those of us who've been married for any length of time know that is a fact! A good percentage of the time what us males think a woman is saying to us usually ends up actually being something different in her mind. (At least that's how it comes out in heated discussions around here!)

I sure hope all works out OK for you and please keep your "sisters" on here informed,
Berta