Is it Gender?

[Anne Bonny]

Reading You and your gender identity by Dara Hoffman-Fox...the question is asked Do you feel uncomfortable about your genetic sex at birth publicaly, bodily, and/or psychologically? Yes Maybe or No? (paraphrased just in case it would constitute copying part of her book) You are prompted to answer quickly...well that is subjective as all psychology is, even a quick response would depend on a number of factors related to where you are on any given day, stressed, tired, your mood....I think it is bogus...

My gut response....NO! But on relflection I look back over my life and believe the correct response is more of a Maybe.

I remember placing my hand on my grandma's stocking encased leg (age 3?) to feel it and her stating "Stop that!" and pulling her leg back. I think I remember stepping into her(?) shoes (could have been grandpa's can't remember now but don't think they were grandma's sitting on the floor one time. I recall playing in a back room (age 3/4) when my sister threw a yellow dress over my head and buttoned it up the back and stated "I wish I had a little sister." She does not remember this but I do. I remember being soaked (age 4/5) running around washing the deck of my parent's boat and my mother undressing me and throwing an adult t shirt over my head and telling me to go get in the car. I thought "this is like a dress" and being embarrassed did not want to go so she sent my sister with me. I also remember (age 4?) a male cousin fishing out a navy girl's school jumper out of a box of old clothes because my pants were wet and his saying in a falsetto "My what a pretty little girl." but he quickly took it off when he found some shorts. I also remember (age 9) entering one of my grandmother's rental properties next door and finding in a wardrobe a maternity(?) dress and a pair of stockings then the thought entered my head to strip and I quickly put on the dress and the pantie hose... I was filled with adrenaline and loved it the sensation, the feel of the dress, the thrill of wearing girl's clothes...I was instantly hooked and returned to it again and again and over the rest of my life as if a switch had been thrown. I was shy, felt awkward and inadequate and had a poor self esteem and confidence but I looked up to my sisters who were wonderful role models pretty, with lots of friends and good grades, they had their act together. Perhaps this has something to do with it all.

Still the question comes as otherwise I had a very normal and wonderful childhood that many would dream about having had, wonderful parents with adequate income and for the most part I was a normal boy with normal boy interests and play who didn't give a thought but that I was just like all the other boys...except for my feminine desires which came and which I looked forward to when I knew I was going to be left alone for an hour or more and always knowing where to find a skirt or something feminine to try on...

But is this gender related? That is my question. Over the past 60 years...today I have a feminine wardrobe every bit as full as that of any other woman and as my feminine feelings come I move into the feminine and just carry on with whatever because I feel I am partly like women in some way.

I suppose it is a question we all ask at some point. Do I want to go further with this or just keep going back and forth? Do I really desire a life that is fully open and public with everyone so that I can proceed out to door to go wherever? I already dress freely at home whenever I desire of late everyday but not all day but for many hours.

[Amanda R]

Do I want to go further with this or just keep going back and forth? Do I really desire a life that is fully open and public with everyone so that I can proceed out to door to go wherever?

Both very interesting questions Anne and I think you know that only you can answer them for you. I am sure most of us have asked ourselves the same questions and our answers are as personal as yours.

The first question is a prime one that actually determines where you are on the TG scale. From what I have read from your other posts I believe at one time you were quite comfortable going back and forth, now I am not so sure and I would guess you feel the same. This is an issue best explored with a therapist to help you find your true feelings on this one.

The second question is a bit more difficult and can only truly be addressed after the first is answered. The desire to be out is overriding with many from the heterosexual crossrdresser to the full level TG. Once you determine if a life of going back and forth is for you or you want to go further even possibly through transition can you address if you want to be out in the open and how much and to who..

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you Amanda. I am reading Jenner's book it is really rather amazing for me how similar our personalities and even some part of our lives are. At 60 and still a caregiver, I have little I can do but think. But there is a calm joy a confidence as I relax into who I am on the inside. It is no longer so much about the clothing as it is about who I truly am on the inside, have been, and will always be. I am in an amazing place right now in my life, is it a cross roads? But presenting the image conforming to our narrow society rather than being... Our country does not see us as people and does not treat us as people we are a knee jerk red flag waved in front of an angry bull who dumbly reacts and charges without any thought at all head long at us because this is what they are supposed to do ...conformity must be held up at all costs differences are not to be tolerated. Largely thanks to their faith in who they call a god of "love." rather their god really is apparently a god of condemnation, eternal hatred rejection and punishment for simply not being like all the others...well...it's true. 
Oh well...on with my morning. 

Yeah...I am at an amazing place in my life...that calm joy inside is burning brightly I am sorting it out now...hell at 60 can I expect to live 40 more in relatively decent health? So far so good so I may...who knows. I do not believe we should feel constrained by whatever time we have on this wonderful planet.