Unsavory!?

[Anne Bonny]

What? In the back of our mind we carry inside us something that has been implanted there by society, by our culture and by the evil twisted influence of religion and that is that we as people of gender variance are unsavory people. Hence part of why I do not venture out and that I hide myself from public view even to my sons is because of this very basic thought. That who I am is not acceptable, that I am perverse, and should not show myself because I am an offense to everyone, that I need to be hidden from public and even sometimes private view.

I was watching a female corespondent that I have always liked and admired on television this morning. She is professional, intelligent, and is very respected by everyone she works with...This morning she made an appearance and happened to state "as a lesbian woman..." or was it gay or homosexual woman? maybe Gay... No matter point is she is out there as a respected professional who many admire - What!? But not us!? Why are Trans people excepted can we not be every bit as professional and respected and admired...if not...Why!? We are just people same as anyone else who happen to have a variance with our gender...and that makes us unsavory...do we think this about ourselves? Do we believe ourselves to be unsavory and unworthy of acceptance and of respect as human beings!?

If we think this of our selves unconsciously we need to stop that immediately right this instant! And we need to accept within ourselves...insist internally that we are every bit as professional, respectable, intelligent, admirable, and as worthy as anyone to be an open member of this society and all our detractors be damned!

[Noeleena]

Hi Anne,

depends on who you have as friends and how far back they go for myself 59 years, and are still friends today , plus the other 2000, other friends I have and I can count a few 100 more . plus many though not all know my background dirt muck and all, plus many know our family and the groups I,m a member of ,

So the ? I will ask and others think about what you know about myself who I am what I have written where I,v been who I,v seen and look at the over all detail , whats different about my self , whats the draw card or why people like me as a person why do they ask me to take over dutys that needs experanced people to do and to know what they ...are ....doing .

You don't ask a learner to train others do you ...no... you ask experanced people to do that so why do I out rank others in many details ,

Take Music you don't have a beginner in a full Orchestra to play in front of 100,s of people do you or a full on march On Parade down your main street with 150 Military troop,s behind you and you have to keep time so every one is in step,

so theres a time to learn a time to take on responciblity little at a time so you become acostomed to the detail in hand and as you do you don't have to think ...what the hell am I doing here , youv been trained and then begins your time to train others ,

You have to start at the beginning and work your way through with out that and you don't have that importaint training your out and you wont have any responciblitys ,
so first step .....is start...

don't worry about others

We were trained to march so we did any thing that was in the way we marched over what ever it was , if you happened to be in front of us and did not move we and I would walk over you. and youd ether be hurt or youd get the hell out of the way,

on a march ...I....don't stop for any one ,I,m under command and that's it......

If I dropped some thing I was carring tough I keeped going. just marched on .

This is about doing what your trained to do.

so apply that to your civilian life, take no prsioners along the way or your term drop outs or hanger ons or the surposed friends you think you have , hey I,m tough I know that and I don't let others dictate my terms of engagement in war,,,, get it.....

Yea I know I can lol .... laugh about it , I,v been through the hell , and I,m still alive.....

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

There are a few quotes that come to mind..."Lead, Follow, or get out of the way!" and the Nike slogan "Just Do It!" I am trying... Yoda would say "There is no try...DO!" Another I recall is "Fortune favors the bold!"

I have always been, I am, and I will always be who I am until the day that I die. We cannot go back into the past to fix any mistakes, we can see the errors we made and feel sorry but all that anyone can do right this instant is to seek to change out of our desire to do better to avoid those errors from right this instant and going forward. And we need to cease beating ourselves over things in our past that is over and gone can't fix the past we can seek to do better as we move forward.

I am making progress, I am learning, and I do believe I am becoming more open.

[Amanda R]

Anne you raise some interesting points but a few jumped out at me.

What? In the back of our mind we carry inside us something that has been implanted there by society, by our culture and by the evil twisted influence of religion and that is that we as people of gender variance are unsavory people.

We carry these thoughts within us because of our upbringing and what our parents, grandparents, peers, teachers, clergy, etc. have drummed into us. It is what they pass on to us because it is what they learned and so on. It is why generally children follow their parent's religions and in many cases political beliefs. This has somewhat evolved over the years however it still runs true for the most part today. Those beliefs, prejudices, and even thought processes are learned and as we are generally exposed at an early age they tend to stay with us through life.

As a transgendered individual I know early on I asked myself many questions and wrestled with many of those prejudices. I feared going to hell because so many religious types said that was the fate for anyone in the LGBT community. I thought myself a freak of nature and yes even contemplated suicide at a very young age because of being different. Even after researching transgenderism I was left with questions and hatred of myself for being this way. Fortunately I came out to my mother and thanks to the help of many people she and I came to accept what I was and took the appropriate steps to amend the mistake nature played on me. Still early on during my transition I was full of questions such as was I dooming myself to hell; was it wrong to change nature's will; can I truly be happy as freak of nature? Again with an understanding therapist and others I worked through all of this and just accepted myself as I was and going to become.

From this and other posts of yours I have read you are your own worst enemy. You seem to want the question the whys rather than just accepting and going forward. Please don't be offended as we all do the same. I believe you would be happier if you just accepted yourself and sought professional therapy to help you do so. Like many I faced the hate, insults, and prejudice that you fear. The trick is to become comfortable with yourself and life and not worry as it is only God's right to judge. Let the others revel in their ignorance and unfounded fears, for if in your heart you believe no one can change that.

[April Rose]

Anne, Amanda makes a good point here. Especially for you, in your isolating, and I am sure very frustrating position as a long term care giver, a regular relationship with a therapist would be a very helpful thing. Really, don't just dismiss this. Talk to the professionals who come to help with your wife. They are probably familiar with the health care system in your state, and might have ideas that you haven't thought of. Perhaps you could get a referral from your family doctor.

It is obvious that you are a competent, thoughtful, resilient and above all, kind person in a tough situation. You deserve the support.

[Anne Bonny]

Amanda and April, Thank you. I do talk to the Hospice Social Worker and with the female chaplain who is also there just to support and to meet me where I am. They both know and have seen me dressed however I desire I have been quite open about it the Nurses have known and seen me to, as have the aids, and our sitter, My sons both know and a sister, the neighbor? probably as I have been outside in broad daylight to take trash to the garbage can. My wife knew but now her mind is gone and soon she will be too. I have been working on grief since the diagnosis 8 years ago, such a loss is an awful feeling of sadness and of loss, part of who I am will die with her so true. I also feel that I am reaching the limits and am desperate to be free if it goes on I am not sure mentally what contortions I will be in, it is awful but I will never place her, we are nearly there even though I am nearly crazy with the same daily routine it is horrible. But I continue on, and my Anne side just is and because of this I fear as a heterosexual male that I will never find a woman who will want to be a new partner in my life, for the rest of our lives.

I have come a long long way. You are absolutely right. We cannot really blame society it is just blindly perpetuating itself along through the generations as it always has. You would think because we who are different have always been in society as well that after thousands of years we would be fully understood and integrated and accepted but rejection continues on through our present generation.

I have come to a place now where I am more open I wrote a post on that...but our internal tendency to think badly about how we are different is deeply placed inside our mind, and is bolstered in whatever Church we may attend, I am agnostic, even though I understand a true interpretation of scripture leaves our difference as an open question which is not fully addressed or fully rejected there.

I have found it difficult to fill an hour talking in a psychologist's office about myself. I do realize it is very possible that though the psychologist I met with many times made me feel completely comfortable to discuss my gender issues, my grief, to discuss family issues too... I do not feel he really made much difference for me. I probably have not found the right psychologist and would need to be free to drive further and figure once my wife is gone that I will at that time be free to seek out a better Psychiatrist or Psychologist. I will keep it in mind to ask the Social Worker if she knows of any experienced gender therapists in our area of the coast.

I feel I have made tremendous progress and am nearly to a point where I may be able come out fully and to allow myself to live quite openly as I desire. I will have my ears pierced...that is like a permanent and open and visible sign to everyone, though many men have their ears pierced, internally to my mind it states to others that I am a person who is gender variant. Ear piercing for me internally carries that meaning so it is a big thing to me because of that and I do plan to have them pierced once my Mother in Law is not constantly coming over every other week for 4 hours to notice and comment on the length of my hair...add to that wearing ear rings as my ear lobes heel .... I do not need that, so I am waiting. Yeah, we my wife and I are near a relative term to the end....sadness...yeah...We had love and were one...sad...and once we are no more I will be able to begin the rebuilding of my life and at that time will be free to find a better psychologist. Thanks.