Life with a trans gender gender.

[Anne Bonny]

My life has been dominated by my gender it is something that has run through my whole life at some level. I believe being as I am has led and has influenced everything my thoughts, decisions, career, marriage ... everything. How could our being who we are not run through all of our life? I am male and heterosexual but my gender is significantly feminine so much so that it counterbalances my masculinity. This has because of our culture, values beliefs the level of understanding and enormous resistance by our society all the way down to our family and our upbringing been incredibly disruptive mentally and emotionally when as a child we have these feelings and desires and no ability to understand leading to confusion as we find we hold contradictory thoughts in our head about who and how we are and what we desire. We are aware of our sex but not why we feel or identify with the opposite sex or want that for ourselves internally because we recognize at least in some way it is who we are inside. We cannot talk to anyone about it we only feel it is considered wrong, and we would be punished horribly were we to tell anyone even our mother. As we grow older these feelings are even worse driving us into secrecy and into hiding our feminine emotions and desires. As boys we especially know and we do grow into being boys openly, as we grow older with our family and friends and eventually as we enter sports and school, college, work, career, marriage, family and on and on and on. But we carry this all inside feelings and emotions and desires that we cannot express and it causes us to suffer frustration, anxiety, depression and even anger at times. Many end their lives because they are not able to withstand this, they are not strong enough to make it. Some do come out and may endure physical assault and many are murdered just because this is who they happen to be inside. Fortunately most are able to survive but it makes for an upsetting stress filled angst that always lingers stalking behind us because we do not dare express to anyone that we are even in part feminine and have a desire to have it openly accepted so that we can join and be dressed and accepted by others in our lives.  

Eventually many, most? of us are able to finally come out with our deep dark life long secret telling others. It is incredibly relieving to find there is understanding and acceptance even encouragement allowing us to bring our feminine selves into our lives so that we are able to be accepted, understood and loved by those around us. It is a long journey. The outcome in our society and within our own families are seldom ideal it is terribly sad but that is life. For every negative reaction we normally find many more around us who are positive and accepting so we should encourage any in hiding to find a way to come out of their pain so that they do not go to their grave with anguish, pain, and regret.  

[Victoria K.]

Life is hard and bad sometimes! just pick yourself up and keep moving! it is worth it.

[Lacey Hadley]

As a child I knew in some ways I was different. I did not understand it back then though. I did not grow up really feeling I was a girl trapped in a boys body. But I knew I was 'odd' as compared to my male peers. I enjoyed slipping into a feminine mind and dressing girly. I would see pretty girls and enjoy them as most boys would but also I studied their clothes, shoes, hair and mannerisms. As I got older I'd study older girls for their make up too. I always have had this feminine side to my rather typical boy, teen and adult male life.

As a teen I contemplated suicide a couple of times as my feminine side and need to crossdress bothered me. I thought I'd grow out of it, you know dating and such but it all only got more entrenched as an alternate side to my normal male life. Thankfully thoughts of teen suicide did pass, my intellectual side character told me it was not the answer. I really do not know what the answer is, except that I must accept my feminine side and my desires to dress up as Lacey. I have spent mucho dollars on feminine stuff for Lacey... HOLY CRAP lots of $$$$ over the last of especially 15-20 years. I love seeing Lacey's wardrobe, shoes, boots, wigs and cosmetics. I love wearing it all even more.

Am I trans? Well not sure, my outlook on my feminine cding side has matured over the years but would I want to live as a girl FT, can't say for sure. I enjoy my time dressing as Lacey. I will say this and its quite odd about sexuality. As a male in drab I am 100% heterosexual. I get as goo gaa over an attractive lady as any male, I do like to study said girls clothes though Dressing up full as Lacey though I get strong feminine feelings and at times weird desire of vulnerability and as such I do have emotions about a man finding me attractive, meeting me, telling me so and getting involved with me. It feels very emotional in my feminine mind. I did not always feel this way. Younger I would say Lacey would be lesbian, today she is more bisexual in her emotions and desires... Weird as it was not a switch but sort of oozed into my sexuality in say the last 3-4-5 years. I have not acted on it though.

Us humans are more complex creatures I guess... Well anyways we each have our journeys and cross to bear about this stuff. I do not beat myself up about being a crossdresser and enjoying Lacey as a part of the complete me. Where it will go? I do not know, but I plan on sticking around and not committing suicide.

[Victoria K.]

Very well said and written Lacey. This is very much how I felt growing up. I knew I was different than others when growing up that caused me much confusion, sadness and loneliness . It was not until later in life that I finally found myself and excepted who I was with all my heart and happiness. All those years of pain are now replaced with so much joy and love for myself and life. Love you Girl! Victoria

[Anne Bonny]

Yes, we are all going to be just fine and we are all who we happen to be... I do believe because I had a wonderful and successful marriage with successful boys now on their own that once my wife succumbs to her condition, I know that I am a very good partner and hope that I will be able to find one who is as wonderful and who fits who I am even more.
In my day in the life area ... mulled all of this over and I do know it is all going to be ok.

[Victoria K.]

Keep smiling and loving life Hon! The alternative is misery and fear which I do not prefer.