We are different and are driven to be who we are

[Anne Bonny]

I have come to the conclusion that men cross dress out of a sexual compulsion to do so because we are men this is inescapable testosterone drives us especially to activities that we desire and in which feel pleasure. We may feel an identification or an envy or may wish we had been female there is no doubt we enjoy feeling or feel that we are feminine in part. We identify with women because there is something inside ourselves we feel we share. But as much as some men may want this for their selves in the end there is absolutely nothing that they can do about the fact that they are male and are unfortunately men and not women. Sex is a part of life it is a normal and healthy drive within us that releases beneficial substances that relieve stress, that help us to relax and feel content and happy. https://www.chatelaine.com/health/sex-a ... hier-life/  Part of the enjoyment of being able to express our feminine side and our identity with women is heightened by erotic and sexual thoughts in which who we are is reinforced, in my case by women who also recognize, accept and want to encourage because they want us to be who we are. Is this a wrong or nasty or immoral thing? No one is harmed and if we love women all the more why would it be immoral or unhealthy or harmful? There are many men who just want to be men and that is all of who they are. Men like us however want more and find being a man is not satisfying or desirable because it is boring and monolithic that is our clothing is limited, as are our emotions and our ability to express who we are and there are many masculine interests we are not interested in. Women are able to fully express all of their emotions, and to express who they are in an infinite variety of colors, cuts and styles of clothing including the wearing of men's rather drab clothing. We cannot stand being limited or told we are not allowed to have such feelings inside of us but understanding much more about women is very satisfying our mind and our knowledge base is expanded as a university education exposes people to knowledge which expands and broadens their mind and ability to think. To be stuck as a man having to suppress our softer side and deny it is so suffocating and so restrictive to us because we are feminine inside of who we are...not fully of course but to a far greater degree than any man and to the extent possible for us to be so. We are not women but we are lucky enough to be so in what we do have even though limited we are not able to live without being as we are and grudgingly we also fill our role the one we were stuck with at birth and can do nothing about because we are male and therefore men. 

[KimberlyS]

Anne that may be your feelings on the topic and I know it is similar for others here. But you make it sound like that it is the same for all of us and it is not. For myself cross dressing is just clothing my feminine traits the way that society has taught me how feminine should look. Plus feminine clothes are so much comfortable.

If this is the category and label you want to put on yourself then you can do that and I am ok with that. But the way you are writing your post you are trying to put the label on all CDers. There is no one label fits everyone here so do not try to push labels on others.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Anne Bonny]

I have made modifications in my diary...and have followed along with another post today. Sorry...I generalize and should not. I should make corrections. I know those who are as you are are have a female brain so having the surgery to modify your physical body to appear identical on the outside to genetic women is not a choice it is fixing something that should have come out differently, you were born with the wrong body. And I know mentally...for those who are not able to live with having a male body... the clothing is just clothing as they really are women mentally. I suppose my "WE" is more directed at men who are as I am who suffer no dysphoria and are able to accept and live with their male body we are in a different category all together. I should also state that it's wrong to generalize even about our diverse population. I suppose I should limit the entire personal post then to my unique experience alone. But I believe there are many who are as I am. It is a complicated thing...it's not ...sexual compulsion is in there somewhere...but is it compulsion or just sex which is a part of life, and in that we find ourselves satisfied and fulfilled when we experience it as women. My brain is not fully female but is only female in part a rough third? as I differ from men perhaps a rough third as well? At least you are able to surgically greatly improve or fix much of your problem though not fully it is I suppose satisfactory except never being able to conceive and bear children etc...sorry. All I can say is having this partial female partial male split within who I am has driven me nearly insane over my entire life. It is very hard to live with I have no choice but to accept it...but most of society does not accept who we are. I am alone and having been on this planet now for such a long time I may never be able to have anyone ever again... I am in anguish, my son told me I do not have my life together. Well I feel as though my life has come to the end but instead of dying I just go on living and no longer have any purpose or desire. I push everyone away and burn bridges socially so many internal conflicts...I am a member of the running club, a photography group, will be taking dancing lessons, getting my sailboat to the yard so that I can sail again...yet people in these activities are younger that I am mostly and I feel on the outside. I dwell on thoughts of that gun...but I would never do that so why even think of it? So lost, lonely, and sad... it is as if everything has run out except for my living on. I did purchase a nice camera and a Ukelele is coming... Involvement with people who share my interests seems the best solution...and I absolutely cannot allow myself to push these people away even if they are younger and I feel I do not quite fit if I screw myself with them I will have thrown away a second chance. Think I will see about talking to someone...a different counselor I am falling through space grasping as straws tumbling and lost....ok...1-800-...gonna do it. $30 per visit...hum...find the providers available in my area online, call and book they will do the rest. Now I must think am I just whining about and making way too much out of all of this. One thing I can say is that I have just been flailing for the past year and on the social front I pushed away the facebook social group, dropped out of the "gay church" that gave me full acceptance with the exception that I am not gay! truly not a fit as I am looking to connect up with heterosexual people but I know acceptance of my female aspect is going to be extremely difficult to find...though women who were here to help...social work and chaplain with the hospice, the sitter I had hired, one female niece of my wife and many of the nurses and aids in hospice were fine...of course were they because it was their job to be supportive? Not the niece. Oh well will try to find a female counselor/psychologist to see if that might be better than the male I was seeing.

[KimberlyS]

Anne I would not consider myself to have a female brain. I am more like you, I am a male with a variety of masculine and feminine traits. I quit trying to put a percentage on it as it really does not matter in the grand thing we call life. I can give myself many labels, Cross Dresser, Transgender, Gender queer, Gender non-conforming, multi-gender,...... Does it really matter? I have just come to accept myself for who I am. And funny, once I have accepted myself, others seem to accept who I am much easier. IMHO where you accept yourself is often where others acceptance of you starts. No I do not tell everyone, only those that need to know as I do not have a need to be fully out and enfemme all the time. But those I do interact with my self acceptance seems to make it easier for them to accept me. IMHO if you are not accepting of yourself it comes out in your actions, body language, and interactions with others. IMHO it made it easier for my new wife to accept who I was since I was accepting of who I was.

Anne I am glad you are looking into getting some professional help. A quote that helped me with my counseling was:

"If you got yourself to this point and you need help. Then maybe you should accept some help to get you to a better place."

Anne, maybe it is time you quit trying to find yourself, quit trying to be someone, quit trying to put labels on yourself, quit trying to fit some mold of life, forget the research, forget all of the studies. Maybe it is just time to be yourself. Yea sometime you may need to present a masculine or feminine image to the world to satisfy family, friends, or other situations. But your presentation is only an outward view of you. Who you are on the inside and how you feel you control. I have learned that my outward presentation does not need to match how I feel or what I am doing. I can look masculine and be doing very "manly" things and feel feminine. Or look very feminine and feel like going out and doing something masculine like looking at trains. Or they can be in align. Once I just learned to accept my self I have been a much happier person.

Hopefully a professional can help you do this and then you learn to love yourself, love life and live again.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Anne Bonny]

I'll read your post but first I want to post what is in my mind this morning on all of this.

Truthfully...I may be thought to be insane by many...with my internal conflicts and struggles that remain unresolved. My female self ... well I am a man with a male body but my inner feminine self always comes around and I am unable to deny that I love everything about being feminine and feeling female. I am a male who feels female frequently and as with any woman I prefer everything about it, love the clothing, having hair I can style, being able to put my ear rings in...don't always do all the make up but when I do I love how it makes me look. To see a woman looking back at me in the mirror is an amazing thrill I realize I cannot see myself from other angles but from the front the effect is wonderful. putting in my forms...grooming my brows and legs and nails...making them look pretty too....And then, well I just go about my mornings doing the bills, managing investments, reading ... wishing I were not alone. I am in a small part a woman and love feeling I am with women as a woman and am also one of them. I wish I had a woman who wanted me as a woman...and as a man when I drift back there...this is how and who I am and have been my entire life.

I am not insane because I take care of everything any ordinary person does I am a responsible person and everything is in order from home to finances to managing and resolving problems...everything...it just happens sometimes I do all of this as a woman and I always will always have my entire life. I have no choice but to fully accept this is who I am because this is who I have always been it has just been hidden, kept private or at times suppressed as I had to fit in for education, and my marriage and career though I did eventually have to tell my wife we lived on loving each other to the end.

I think the larger part of my struggles relate to finding a way forward when it feels everything I had lived for came to an end with my wife's death and it really does feel as if my life ended and I do wonder and at times feel I should be dead too, it's over. Lost in that decade everyone who was there Mom, Dad, Grandma...Sons are out on their own doing well more or less...as they start down the road of their lives. I have never been a social person, I do not want to go back to work as we were supposed to have worked for an enjoyable retirement together and now alone I am unable to enjoy anything because her death took it all away from me, not her fault...genetics.

I have a very real problem. I do not think a counselor will help because what he will tell me to be doing ... I am doing I just need to push myself to do it all!
1 Get the sail boat serviced...scraped and bottom painted and maybe have the sides (freeboard) painted too, centerboard re attached if still there... get it to the yard hell or high water in late February.

2 purchased a nice digital SLR camera bundle with everything I need an updated version of the camera my wife treasured. I am studying and reading, it will be a challenging hobby, joined a Photography group and will be attending their meetings and meeting their photographic challenges.

3 I will be taking dancing lessons they start on the 9th so I will enjoy that I think.

4 The running club...well I will do the runs near where I live but not 20 to 30 miles away who wants to get up at 6am to be 30 miles away in the cold to do a 5k in some strange location is that enjoyable? Not to me. I do run every day 3.16 miles, walk 1.5 miles too whatever the weather dark windy raining and cold to no wind, full sun and heat about 100 degrees. I do not run to compete, I run my pace for fitness I could never win a race I am and never was in that group of runners but I do run circles around most everyone else my age because I am fit and at my correct weight.

Yeah, I know I sound frustrated, negative, angry and insane a lot but I am not. If I do activities with others interested in the same thing...and If I do things I should do like take a cruise, spend several days in a condo on the beach occasionally, travel, see my sisters and sons....who knows I may ... may ... find something to contribute by showing up and helping out...beach clean up? Still have an active RN License good for the next two years. I am perfectly sane...

Conflicts are wanting...and not wanting things at the same time but I have to overcome those...no need for a psychologist all he is going to say is do it!

________________________________

So now let me see what you have to say...

Wow! It has been a while and I do tend to forget that we are very much alike. I do think that I am nearly there...I do not like labels or percentages either anymore because whatever I am I am. There is acceptance though with the drift of time over days I fluctuate on that at times and begin to attack my self mentally ... emotional ups and downs, people, life... but I get myself straightened out as above and am fine again. Last meetings with the social work from hospice, and the psychologist...well they are telling me I should be doing the kinds of things I listed at the end. The social worker was the most helpful though she was very good and I wish I could pay to see her for an occasional session the $30 copay...she would be worth it and she would tell me you have to make yourself do those things you have listed as interests and meeting people in the groups sharing your interests and get out and eventually you will begin to enjoy life again the enjoyment will return. When you have things going for you that make you and interesting person people will find you more interesting because you have things going on and then you may find someone who wants to be with you....

I have the advice, and the plan...I know where and when to be to participate in them...now I need to do them...Photographers meet in the 1st at 2pm I believe take my camera. Dancing will be 6pm on the 9th first session. There is a run late January 26th at 9am and get a free t shirt too! Get the boat to the yard after the 15th of February so that by my Birthday on March 8th I can go out for a sail. No one is going to take me by the hand...I have to do that. Keep getting out every day or so too walk through the Beau Rivage Casino to people watch, go to the beach take my camera...etc. Just Do It!