Comfortable, confident and happy...

[Anne Bonny]

 I am OK with who I am...yes, sometimes I go male...but I am not able to live without being female...is it who I am inside? Well, I don't know for sure...all I know is that I am more comfortable and confident now and I am able to defend myself about it all because this is just who I happen to be. I am finding out that I feel happier and more relaxed, I actually like being able to be a female...whatever that means. I suppose there is just something I love about the freedom to wear things I like that help me to look and feel better about myself. I do believe and I am glad that I do share things in common with other women. 



I did misunderstand the Psychiatrist who feels if this was not a problem for me I would not be seeing her about it and that she did not say that it is OK to be who I am...they maintain that is for me to figure out for myself. I can accept that. I can look back to every time when I thought to myself that I could simply try to stop all of this and be fully male and never dressing in female clothing ever again because it is the only way that I am able to fit into normal society and be fully accepted by everyone and by any woman who might be interested in me. What I always found is after somewhere between a week to 30 days my female self would come storming back in and that is because I was trying so hard to deny a part of who I am. It is like trying to live without breathing, or trying to restrict part of the food triangle, or deny myself water because part of who I am just feels female and I am not able to live any other way. 



So...I do find that I am living much more full time at home at least, at the Psychiatrist's office lingerie under my clothing, ear rings and lipstick, shaved legs and nail polish on my toes with longer fingernails. I am running or walking the dog female clothes that no one can tell if they are for a male or female. I feel more relaxed and comfortable and happier because I am able to be who I am and no one is here judging me for it. It is an unfortunate fact of life for women like myself that most of those around us will judge us...yeah they will look the other way...or they will leer at us, some may cross the street to get away from us. Some will make rude comments and there really is the risk that we could be subjected to physical violence. We risk losing many of our friends maybe even all of them, and sadly it is the same even for our own families and just because we are not able to meet the narrow societal norm of what is said to be acceptable or unacceptable. That is really sad and it is hateful because it has driven many of us to hide who we happen to be and for some for their entire lives meaning they live with angst, they feel torn apart inside but find they cannot stop being who they are, they are made to feel wrong as if who they are is a mortal sin worthy of hell fire and eternal damnation by the "loving Faithful" who will never give up persecuting us or trying to convert us because they believe we can easily just stop being who we are! How do you stop being who you are...well they would have to kill us because it is impossible to not be who you are inside but that is what they believe and that is why we need the constitution and the laws to protect our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness which is guaranteed to all who live in our society. They want to make us feel bad about who we are. Huh the psychiatrist said I should go live in the French Quarter...I told her I am not going anywhere because this is where I live. Yeah...we are confronted with all of that but we are free to be who we are, and others while free to not like it, they do not have a right to deny us our right to live our lives as openly and as freely as anyone else to live wherever we desire and to pursue our careers and to follow and to achieve our dreams.