Working it all out in my head...it is a slow evolution

[Anne Bonny]

You know what is really cool!? It's that I can be as women are but I am still who I am...I can have longer hair, shaved my legs today...maintenance...have my shiny red nails. Wear panties now every day...slipped into my nightgown...living this everyday it's not unusual. I am a soft man...very comfortable with it...wearing shorts out I am not concerned about smooth hairless legs...I am not like other men...It is like a slow evolution and it feels normal. It is pretty cool.

Angst, colored, fixated or am I just who I am? And why do I seem to shift at times away from it? I do at times feel as If I am being judged negatively because most everyone see it as inappropriate in the extreme, that I would follow customs and fashions intended to be exclusively those of the other sex. Of course some who are as I am carry it off very well for a number of reasons their physical attributes, and their skill in selecting what truly flatters their appearance so that they pass seamlessly as well as the other sex do at enhancing their appearance in such a way. Were I alone in my own home I would feel no pulling back from dressing as I please but my son is present and I feel I would be judged such that I might be viewed with some disgust or revulsion which hurts inside. The part of who I am that is colors my mentality with a feminine cast and some of how I happen to be as a person is not subject to anyone's judgement because it cannot be seen by them. These characteristics may have made me less ambitious, less able to make decisions quickly or have led me to carrying emotional burdens inside for years...empathy, compassion and concern for the feelings of others. I seem driven by my emotions at times. I do care. I recognize these are not exclusive to either sex, but my sense of who I am, my "who I am sense" colors and casts them in a feminine light that is just there inexplicably most of the time. Life stress the presence of those who would judge me negatively, my own self doubt and negative feelings...the pressure of life forcing me to attend to tasks that cannot be avoided or emotionally upsetting stressors or even illness can shift me from who I am and lead me to just put all of who I am aside and I go into a male baseline of "who cares?"



What is the nature of this sense of who I am...is it a conditioned fixation or compulsion that does not want to shift off point!? Why is everything not colored male which being male is how it is supposed to be inside my head? After all my brain is male and processes as a male brain is supposed to. I wonder if I feel so badly about who I am that feeling female is something which helps me to feel better than who I am. Women are in their way at times much better than men are when it comes to empathetic understanding and soothing compassion nurturing and love in caring for who we are...how can I not want to be as they are, or...is it because I AM as they are inside!? Believe me women are not perfect and in their way can have as many negative and bad tendencies towards others as men can have and yet I am I feel in ways as women are...I suppose men and women share all of this as well.



I guess I am questioning the validity of this sense of who I am it does all seem ridiculous and silly to think and to believe who I am is as I am this thing which says you are as women are...But as I look back at all of my life it is here that I am always falling back on, it is here that I am and it is as female and seems to come to rest there. But I am a Man. I am and can never be fully as women are or all that they are...there is just this coloration or cast to all of who I am in my mentality, but I know I am as men are, I am physically a man...But as I have some similarities I also have differences with both of who men and women are and there is nothing wrong with that. It is ok for me to be who I am inside of my head and to be lead into being as I am.. What harm is there if my feelings are as women's are or if they lead me in my manner of dress and grooming? I am also free to be as men are in the same way and because I am ultimately and always will be more basically as a man. The Indians call us "two spirit people" and this same phenomenon exists through time and all around the globe. This is not exclusive to men being as women...but no one seems in the least bothered by women who are being as men. Why do we as males get all of this flack? We are different but being who we are does not make us evil, bad, or perverted and we have made tremendous contributions to the human race. Why are we so maligned? I suppose that which is not understood can be feared and fear can lead to hatred and rejection. Some day I hope I live to see understanding and acceptance grow and hope in the meantime for some small measure of tolerance because we are not able to help being who we are.



Ah...I feel so bad about who I am...that is something to explore with the Psychiatrist. It may or then again it may not be significant meaning and may or may not change any of this depending on why that is. Could be horrible feelings with some about being judged because if this additionally to all of the rest or could be that it is an escape into being female because women are more caring...nah... but it is another thought about it.



Is it a culmination of carrying all of the bad things that I have done in my life and in all of my failings, and my shortcomings, and laziness? Could be...would releasing all of that and forgiving myself change anything? We cannot change the past we can only go forward.

So...I am really really happy to be who and where I am...just finished a wonderful conversation with one of my friends and different outfits and she thought I was current, feminine and told me what I had on is a look I should stick with because this is what we wear but that a dress can be made casual with a layered open top or a skirt paired with a t shirt...Gaw! I am overcome I am so happy and that I am living and it all feels like me and is who I am and that it is absolutely normal and everyday now.