From part time girl to a lot of the time girl

[Anne Bonny]

I think having figured myself out and being more comfortable with who I happen to be is leading me to feel a lot more at ease when it comes living my life. Mentally I am who I am all of the time...but what am I going to wear right now? Sometimes I have to stop and think...well I am not thinking much about slipping on some panties if I am not already in some, and slipping a nightgown over my head before going to bed. Nightgowns can be soft, warm and comfortable...I actually sleep better in one and it has become a preference for me. They are much more comfortable than pajamas wrapping both legs which can become too warm, a nightgown gives your legs freedom without becoming overly warm. Because of how I am I can find myself mentally struggling until I get up take off my male underwear and slip into a nightgown and some panties. That seems to settle me mentally and physically and along with 10mg of melatonin I am sleeping better.

Once up it is different...sometimes I feel yeah grab my guy stuff but sometimes it is not and I have to think about where I am...getting up this morning pretty much just moved into boring around the house girl clothes...yeah basic make up is standard too, basic forms, fixing my hair...basically moving my part over the Iris is a surprising difference between guy and girl it is amazing how that small change can be so gratifying.

Of course it's really nice to be able to just live and be who I am. I am a man...but internally I really do feel female and that is what leads my clothing preferences and from there I proceed through my day doing whatever I normally do. I am lonely but do not dwell on it, cannot really do that or it will crush me. I have been helping my son in marital struggles and counseling ... His Mother In Law lives within walking distance and is very narcissistic, and sadly his wife also seems to suffer from this mental disorder. He is learning strategies, and techniques and skills to deal with this very sad reality. She can appear happy and loving as when they first married when she is getting what she wants... but shuts down and does not even want to talk to him as he sees and plays with his kids...who are getting to see a normal loving parent...Narcissists as parents make children feel they have no self worth...and can lead them into developing this disorder as well. So...been dealing with this...Other son is teaching English in Japan as he challenges proficiency exams to become more fluent in his dream life... they are both in their own way very clever like their mother...I am no dummy...but...Well master's degree, several degrees actually, retired RN after 20 in the Military honorable discharge with a wonderful retirement...yeah I am alright. I cared for my wife last decade as she eventually died as a result of Alzheimer's type dementia...couple years ago come April. Has left me trying to figure out which way is up...If my son does get into the AF they will leave most likely and that is definitely a good thing the counselor thinks....to get his wife away from her mother might make it better? I am glad I am free to be a woman (only in my mind, in how I feel because I am a man, think like a man but I am different from other men...obviously). So If I am left alone in this small coastal city I will at will be even more free to be myself. My son's know but they grew up seeing me as a father.. therefore I feel it is better to be their dad when I see them. I do not see the one who lives here often ....well until the marital difficulties began which I am hoping are slowly moving toward resolution...though gaw ... I do not believe I would be able to stay married to a narcissist it is a true mental disorder that is just awful if you do not know anything about it...they are really incapable I believe of love! It is just awful!

I do have a lot of time on my hands...my desires are fixed on wanting a couple casual around the house dresses to wear...funny how as a woman such desires seem to be endless ...clothing, jewelry, make up and grooming...shoes shoes shoes...and simply loving it all ... hair....and enjoying how I feel inside emotionally and feeling I am connected with women...but I am a man so. Oh well. Obviously lots of time on my hands. Got to accomplish work on the monthly financial work...then run...then ??? I wish I had a woman who loved me to fill the huge hole in my life so we could plot and plan I would simply love arranging a 3 night stay above the beach and the surf at Gulf Shores as we used to...I could sun on the balcony in a one piece maybe? And kiss and lay with my love... I have to figure out what to do with myself now...hobbies...travel...events suppose...sailing some when it becomes more springlike winter will be over after February here...I do love living on the water. I have blathered on enough.

Yeah it is about proceeding on with your life...living and simply being who you happen to be with who you are fading into the back burner of your mind. losing the myopic hyperfocus to focus on life and living it... I think who I am and how I dress should be in my subconscious when it is there and I no longer even give it any thought then I will be where I should always have been with all of this which is to not really be thinking about any of it at all and just living!!

[Ralitsa]

Hi Anne,
if you're needing something to take up your time, you might try sewing. Then you can make all the dresses you want!
I thought about doing that once, but I just don't have time for it. I took up knitting, and other than that I was horrible at it and everything I made was ugly, I liked doing it. Well that is REALLY time consuming. What I really enjoyed was the mental challenge, and also I enjoyed looking at yarn, picking out colors and thinking about how the final piece would look. It's a great way to indulge all the desires of wanting to "play with pretty clothes" and not destroy the bank account.
Then when I was living in Wisconsin I had a friend who was a dressmaker. She was more or less retired but really liked sewing, so that was what she did with her time, and made a bit of money on the side. I would go over to her place and we would drink coffee and I'd look though her collection of patterns. She had millions of patterns going back decades. A lot of them were a classic look and cut that I like, and then she would maybe modify the sleeve or the neckline or whatever if there were something different I wanted. Once or twice we went down to Green Bay or Milwaukee and go fabric shopping. Then I would pick out all sorts of fabric, trying to find something that was perfect for the next dress I had in mind. Or a fancy zipper, or cute buttons, or the right sort of lace - the combinations are endless! It gives you plenty to think about and all related to our favorite subject, without seeming to obsess over the same problem.
It answers the question of "what now?" It's great to put on a fabulous dress, heel, nylons, makeup and everything, but then what? Unless you actually have somewhere to go that justifies it all, it gets frustrating. So you put on a simple house dress and get some coffee and head to the sewing room. After a while you find that you need a bit of lace and there you go, you have a reason to put on something a bit nicer and head off to Joann Fabrics and spend half the day there. While you're there you go ahead and sign up for a few classes they are offering next month and before you know it you're busy as can be.
Maybe you start with something simple like a coverup to use at the beach. Then maybe you need a cute sailing dress with a matching hat. You can make outfits exactly like you want from the perfect fabric, and it will always be in your size!

[Anne Bonny]

My sewing skills are kind of limited...sew on or reinforce a loose button...tighten a button hole that is too big for the button and keeps opening up. I once tried to use the machine to make some very simple curtains for my boat....I believe mom's Phaff? machine...German I believe or a good guess has a sewing table and everything a door that opens with swining drawers, spindles to hold spools of thread, the pedal it lights up I could bring it back upstairs? In High school I did a little macrame.... I do not believe I have the patience needed though I do see youtube videos of a few young ladies who make period dresses and try to update them some what, or to make their own corsets and have worn them and found in some ways they are better than wearing a bra...in some way's not...they tend to be a little warm and tend to show through their clothes. I am not into period dressing, or dressing in any other way other than just to suit myself. Right now it is a little cool so Jeans, polo and tennis shoes...

I really am beginning to live and to be who I have always been...I am pleased to finally be here and wonder why I struggled so long with all of this. I have settled on the thought that occurred to me this morning ... silly in a way but not really which is that I am a Fe-Male...it really fits because I do realize physically and mentally (how my brain works) I am a man, but I am also inescapably female as well in many ways. Yeah, I am a female...and mentally in my own mind I really do assert to myself that I am a woman. I enjoy being a girl gaw, I really do! This does not translate to all things typically considered to be more for women when they really aren't...but you also do have to have an interest and a desire when it comes to doing anything. I do not believe I have the patience for such things...I am more likely to go online and shop until I see a dress I like and just buy it. Little cool for dresses right now but if my girly side begins to really bother me I will revel in dressing more feminine...I love wearing skirts and dresses...but as I begin to come down to earth and fall into the groove...I am as practical as any other woman...looking for comfort...nothing wrong with shorts, Jeans, athleisure wear and tops.