Living...searching for a way forward...

[Anne Bonny]

OK coping, I quit dancing after a year...I think that is ok because I have never danced very much anyway, did not go to my High School Prom...and It has not been a major activity for me. I am not a bar hopper...drinking and dancing... In the military there were some functions throughout my career and I danced with my wife...neither of us needed formal competition level...dancing with the stars ball room, latin or whatever dancing...I have found that is an activity ... well those who are in dance lessons are elderly...middle aged 50s through 80s...yeah, sometimes I was looking to see where the AED was mounted on the wall just in case! So for myself, I may be 62 but I do not wish to hang out with the nursing home crowd! I am very fit and healthy...hell I am going vegan and have cut way back on animal meat...well tuna...some grilled or baked chicken in salads. I do not feel old...I do believe Dr. David Sinclair a researcher at Harvard Medical School who wrote Why We Age - and Why We Don't Have to...is really beginning to have an effect on my...No, I feel as I did in my 40s! It is really a wonderful thing and having no chronic conditions, only on medication for Asthma which has been well controlled my entire life. Bp is low, pulse is low...yeah!

Thing is I believe I am not ever going to be able to find a woman who I would find attractive who would also love a 62 year old man who is feminine...feminine? I mean I am a male who gaw...has always been very like a woman in how I feel inside, how I am inside, what I want to wear, interests, emotions...yeah... And yet I am a man. Hence why bother going to dance, I am not really interested in dancing it is not something that comes naturally to me and there are many women who do not dance, formally anyway! I am not on dating sites. I am really discouraged from looking. Everywhere I go I know 1, I am older, and 2, no woman wants a man who is effectively in many ways a woman just as she in a lot of ways! It is very discouraging. If I were bi...I suppose...no...it would be easier. Where am I going to find a woman who would like equal time in the bedroom!? Cannot help how I am inside. Oh well.

After much of the grief has left me...will be two years come next april...I am finally beginning to have twinges in terms of sorting myself out again so that I can begin to forge ahead and start really living life again. I have always and will always be a girl in a sense as a man, yes, I am very much a man...physically, how my brain works...some of my interests...if anyone asks me but! Who's business is it if mentally I ascent inside of my own brain that I am a girl!? Yeah, I am a woman and I love it!

So, pretty much having given up on being able to locate a woman who can love me as a woman...there is still a life out there for me to live...I think I am getting there...in what are the things I want out of life, what can I find to do for fun? I am there for my sons. Think my two grandchildren may be lost because my son married a girl with NPD, and who's mother is also a severe narcissist...it is a severe personality disorder for which there is no medication and the only "treatment" would require them to see that they have a problem and go into years of therapy. These people are not able to truly love anyone, they have no empathy...it is really horrible. Yeah my grandchildren unless my son can realize parting ways is what he needs to do and if the court gives him shared custody...only then will I see them, will they know who I am, will we be able to share a loving relationship...sad. Thing is raised with a mother and grandmother in the same abusive home the children will be mentally damaged and become just like them...it is really tragic!

Oh well yeah, beginning to feel my old interests and desires beginning to stir ...Sailing...maybe some Photography as I have a nice camera and the equipment...and what? going places on my own...learning to travel and to enjoy solitary life? It is probably possible for me.

I have to see being...what would you say that I am? a feminine person the reality at my age is finding a partner is a very difficult thing and is so remote that I probably have to just give up on it and begin to live and be who I am...start living and learning to find enjoyment in leading my life!