Trans or hum...

[Anne Bonny]

I was watching a Trans woman...Maya Henry on youtube...what do I have in common with a 20 year old transwoman...being 62...yeah. But, came across a video in which she was sharing pictures of herself growing up. What struck me was there she was as a child with her mother obviously in the background in a lawn chair...as a child she was dressed as a boy but she tended to have more shoulder length hair, some with make up...a long t shirt because it was like a dress and sometimes wearing dresses...throughout her childhood, yeah, from an early age and pretty much throughout and now...well I am quite interested in trans women who are just amazing...like I don't really see an adam's apple! their faces, hair, muscle tone or really lack there of...body shape even slender fingers, flawless female voice and mannerisms which all come so naturally to them....

I think back to my childhood...of course I dressed but in a deep dark closet because I would never have been supported at all. I wanted longer hair but best I could get away with was long bangs which I thought of as being a "surfer cut" must have been the influence of the Beach Boys. I had to wait for fleeting moments in the quiet and in the dark when I was home alone before I could find whatever I could to try on ....cast off clothing or outgrown from my sisters to try on. My experience growing up was so different! It may have gone back into my childhood but It was definitely not out in the open and would never have been allowed let alone encouraged!

I wonder how my path may have been different had it been brought out into the open and then let it be known it is alright, and had received encouragement to be as I liked. I was forced to be only allowed to be would only ever be accepted as a boy, a son. This inner turmoil really scarred me nearly for life and I am still not living openly. Now at age 62...all I can hope for like any older woman is to try to hold back the advance of time and enjoy who I am. But what of school and career had I been very out an openly who I am at age 20!?

One flower is watered, fertilized and placed in the sun protected from rough winds and another is not, as a result it is rather wilted, stunted and has to endure the stress of poor conditions. Of course I cannot change the past. I can only move forward.

Am I or do I consider myself to be trans...as in implants and having my bottom rearranged? I do not know if I had been encouraged where I would be today...at this time I hover between expressing male or female...will probably not do implants, hormones or have myself rearranged. I pluck face hair...which does not kill the follicles and requires you keep it up every day for the rest of my life and the results will not be the same as professional hair removal...have pierced ears and longer hair though I have struggled inside at times it is not even chin length. I may get there who knows. yeah buff my fingernails, paint my toe nails and I do groom as any woman does. I am thin at my correct weight and toned....but I will never be like those I envy who no one would ever guess they are not women.

A lot of us are in this boat...looking at those who are younger and envying and wishing life had not passed us by. But many of the trans women are truly blessed with stature, frame, and bone structure so that they blossom into beautiful trans woman.