My Dilemma

[Lauren]

Not sure this is where this belongs but if not here please move it to the appropriate subject. I have a bit of a dilemma and hoping someone out there can give me some guidance or at least be a sympathetic ear.

Maybe a bit of background here before I get into my dilemma. I am TG, had my surgery back in 1992, and a little over 7 years later married the man I loved. Matt and I had a wonderful life but unfortunately about 3 years ago he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We fought hard to try beat it but about 18 months ago the cancer won and he was taken from me. Yes I was devastated to be kind but slowly and surely I have started to put my life back together.

Now to my dilemma. About two weeks or so ago I was out with some friends and ran into an old friend. I have known him for years and he knew Matt and of my now being a widow. He joined us and I admit I enjoyed his being there. As we were leaving he said something like "I will give you a call sometime and maybe we can have dinner" and I jokingly said sure figuring he was just being nice. Well he did call last week and asked me to dinner and while I had to think about it for a few seconds I said yes thinking it would just be two old friends having dinner. As it turned out he was thinking more of it as a date and it became obvious. I admit I had a good time, perhaps too good a time. When he dropped me off he gave me a kiss on the cheek and asked if he could call again. Not sure why I said yes but I did.

I guess my dilemma is in a way I feel guilty about all of it. Yes I did have a good time, the best time I had since I said my last good byes to Matt. I still love Matt and always will and maybe in a way I feel like I was cheating on him. I know it has only been 18 months and I am probably still grieving in a way but I am here and Matt isn't. Am I not entitled to a life? If I am why do I feel so guilty? When Matt started taking a turn for the worse we talked about a lot of things and the one thing he made me promise over and over was to go on and make him proud. I guess my question is am I being silly here or has it not been enough time and take a step back or should he call should I accept and go and see what happens then? OK I guess that was 3 questions.

[Noeleena]

Hi Lauren,

Each person have their own idear,s of when is a good time to form another relastionship , the only time in this case concerns you ,it is your life no one else can live it for you ….only you ….so forget the ...so called time that is surposed to be the ...RIGHT.. time .there is no time limit. you must decide for you.

I,m working with a friend and her case is like your,s I,m there to help quide and just be there this has come up and I say the same thing. she is a female .

Don't over analyse it , look I,m a female and yes I do in many details I know what it,s like try as I can to stop I find it hard , yes many of us females do in times of stress and other detail that comes our way we all work through it in our own way. for us we blame our selfs for things that go wrong is just a part of how we are,

When your HEART is ready then proceed carefully slowly don't be mistaken and get into a sexual relastionship and think wow this is so neat get to know each other first and take that time of dating going out just being together, , and remember sex is not the all in all and more importaint than a real ...LOVING.... long term.

From my own experance many men to day wont sex they see that as love,, this is a difference between us and men I need a relationship, sex is all well and good is not importaint theres lots more that is ,

………….Let your Heart quide You...……….

...noeleena...

[Diana Michelle]

Lauren having been where you are I know how you feel. I wish there was some simple answer or magic words here but there isn't. Noeleena has given you some excellent advice but I am going to add my two cents here.

That feeling of "I am cheating on ..." is not unusual. I had it, I know my father had it, and have talked with others in similar circumstances and they admit to it as well. I will tell you it does lessen with time.

"I am probably still grieving in a way but I am here and Matt isn't. Am I not entitled to a life?"

First off yes you may very well still be grieving and in a way that feeling never goes away though it does diminish as time goes on but it does come back from time to time. It has been over 22 years since I said good bye to Frank and I still have moments I think of what could have been. I am not saying there isn't a life beyond and yes it can be a good one but those memories and thoughts will always be there. Secondly yes you are entitled to a life and knowing Matt he would not only want to you to have one he expects you to. I can remember those first few months after Frank passed away having to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. Sitting on the edge of the bed wondering if it was worth it going on. Then I would think of Frank and knowing not only would he want me to go on he would demand it I somehow made it through another day.

"Am I being silly here or has it not been enough time and take a step back or should he call should I accept and go and see what happens then?"

Are you being silly? As I said before I and many others who have experienced a tragic loss have had second thoughts and pangs of guilt questioning am I cheating? I cannot speak for everyone but IMO most go through the same. No you are not cheating for as you said he is gone and you are still here. I know it is tough to grasp this but it will come in time, trust me.

Has it been enough time or should you take a step back? Only Lauren can answer that one. It took me close to 2 years to even go on a date. My father on the other hand started dating 6 or 7 months after my mother passed away. We are all unique and our grieving process different. It is not about what was right for me or my father or anyone else only what is right for you and only you know that.

If he calls should you go and see what happens? Again not to sound like a broken record but only you have the answer here. Ask yourself did you enjoy yourself the last time? Did he make you laugh or bring a smile to your face? Did he make even for a few minutes make you forget about your sorrow and grief and make you see things as they are now and potentially could be in the future? Did you for even a second after he dropped you off smile and think I had a good time tonight? If you can answer yes to any of these questions then please think twice before saying no should he call.

Just because you go on a second date with this gentleman means there will be a third nor does it mean you have to sleep with him. That's a whole other thing! If you want my never to be humble opinion I would tell you to go and see where it leads. There may be nothing there but friendship in your mind or maybe more. I know it takes time and courage to take that step but eventually I believe you will whether it be now or down the road.

Lauren it is always wise to seek opinions and ideas from others but the bottom line is this is up to you and only you. You may need to look deep inside for the answers but they are there. They may not come easy and I will tell you the logical side and the emotional one may disagree on some if not all of those answers. There is no right or wrong as to which follow for you and only you have to live with the decision you make. I wish you peace my friend and pray you find the courage to make the decision right for you.

[Carole Hill]

I think that enough time has passed since Matt died that you can certainly move on with your life. If you enjoy being with your friend go ahead and enjoy. See where this relationship might go.

[Diana Michelle]

I don't mean to sound disrespectful here Carole or sound like a know it all but there is a tremendous difference between "going on with your life" after the loss of a spouse or SO and actually starting to date. Not looking for sympathy here but I have buried two husbands so I think I speak from somewhat a position of been there done that.

My first husband was and still is the love of my life. Don't get me wrong here I loved my second husband with all my heart and soul as I do my current SO however Frank was not only my first true love but also my soul mate, best friend, confidant, and of course lover. I loved him more than life itself and TBH there were many days it was only the knowledge he would not only expect me to go on he would demand it that allowed me to make it through that day. It has been over 22 years since I gave him that last kiss before they closed the casket. Still after all that time I think of him every day and what could have been and every night as I pray I ask him if I lived up to his expectations of me.

It is difficult to go on with your life after a loss such as Lauren experienced. You try to go through your day, return to work, and do the simple things like paying the gardener, something your spouse always too care of and you never even thought about. You force a smile to your face, try to seem interested when someone talks about things going on in their life, even congratulate a friend who has just gotten engaged, all the time feeling like someone has cut you wide open and your guts are gushing out. Eventually it gets easier with time and you get back into a routine accepting the cold, hard truth you are alone. This is just what it takes to get on with your life. Dating is a whole other subject though.

When one finally starts to date it is almost like that last kiss with your now deceased love. It is saying yes you are gone and never coming back. I cannot speak for everyone but that first date I went on after Frank passed I am sure I was terrible company. I tried to stay focused on what he was saying but in my mind I was reliving my first date with Frank. I thought how could you be here with another man Diana your heart belongs to Frank. Thankfully the gentleman was understanding of my circumstances perhaps because he had recently been through a bloody divorce not of his choosing. Yes there were more dates with him and we even had a relationship of sorts and although we parted ways by mutual agreement I am still thankful Bill was there and so understanding, caring, and loving when I needed it.

Dating especially those first couple when starting over can and to me were traumatic. I am not even going to go into how much more traumatic being intimate for that first time with someone else was to me. Yes they say time heals all wounds and it does but there is no magic time for each of us is unique. It was almost 2 years before I went on that first date, with others it is less and others more.

I can appreciate what Lauren is going through having lived not once but twice, As I told her in my original response it is not a function of it has been a year or 18 months or whatever time has lapsed. Nor is it a function of what others think but rather what she thinks. I can also empathize that when that time comes it is hard. For me even though I knew in my mind that Frank was gone and I was still here the hardest thing I have ever done is admit it in my heart.

[Deidre Taylor]

First please accept my deepest condolences Lauren. I know full well were you and are having lived it myself. It has been almost 3 years since I lost my love and everyone keeps telling me time heals all wounds. They may be right however you never forget.

It took me about 2 years to get the point to of dating again and I went through the same pangs of guilt and questioning if I was ready for it. To say those first couple of dates were a disaster is kind. I put on the smile and acted like I cared but after the gentleman dropped me off and I closed the door I would break down in tears. My life seemed to becoming a serious of dates with several different gentleman some lasting a single date, some two dates and there was even one that went three but in the back of my mind was always Jerry. I was starting to resolve myself to the belief I was destined to a life of a date then say good bye and see who the next date was going to be with.

Not going into a lot of details here but was out to dinner with a church group and a friend of a friend was there. We ended up sitting next to each other. He was funny and a good conversationalist and handsome and TBH I had the best time I had in a very long time. As we were getting ready to leave he asked if he could call me some time and I said sure figuring in the back of my mind another one date wonder. He did call about a week later and I had the best time I had in a very, very long time. When he dropped me off he asked if he could call again and I told him please do. I remember leaning back against the door after I closed it and thinking maybe there is hope for me after all. Not that I didn't think about Jerry but like with you he was gone and I was here. That was about 4 months ago and Mark and I are still a couple.

There is hope and a life beyond but as others have told you there is no magic time frame, it just happens. Like you I am TG and remember how I struggled to admit it to myself. I struggled that hard or even harder to admit there is a life beyond and to accept I was doing the right thing dating again. You said you had a good time on your "date" what is wrong with going out with him again and seeing where it goes? It may go somewhere or it may go nowhere but you will never know unless you try. As someone here said just because you go on a second date or even a third one means you need or even want to sleep with him. That is a whole other subject as she pointed out and broach that subject if or when it comes up. You will never forget Matt nor should you but for what it is worth IMO should he call go and see where if anywhere it goes.

[Anne Bonny]

Glad to see Diana above as she has had two spouses leave this planet and she is as you are. I lost my wife about 18 months ago...April 7 2018... and what you are talking about is Grief. Are you ready? No one can really answer that question for you because everyone's response to grief is different, we all work through it in different ways. I love my wife still and last night sitting in the dark on the side of the bed knowing or not knowing but talking to her never the less...I am agnostic so who knows if when you are dead what really happens... My wife would also have desired I live a full life, that I live on and not waste it all. Even though I will never forget her, never stop having love for her and wishing against it all that she were still here and healthy mentally and physically and by my side because I would have her back again if I could, and I did all that I could do to help her hold on as long as possible against the inevitable. Yeah...I have pictures of her everywhere....

Others have stated feeling as you do ... as if you are being untrue to your spouse or are cheating on them... is a common feeling. What you choose to do is up to you. I am able to compartmentalize having a largely male brain structure... Am I ready? Yes, I would be able to go to bed with a new partner right this minute even remembering and still loving my wife...she is gone...it is til death do we part...and she would at this point I believe not have a desire because she loved me...loves me? to deny what remains to me of my life...she would not want me to waste what remains on being negative and depressed but to live on actively and fully.

So If your feelings are too strong tell him you are not ready and still need time because you are still grieving...if he is willing to wait maybe in time you can work through these feelings. Or maybe you are able to logically compartmentalize and are ready? But it sounds to me as if you may need more time...how long? only you will know the answer to that. Anne

[Lauren]

I would like to all of you who weighed on my dilemma I do truly appreciate all your input and have weighed this on all aspects in my mind. Maybe a little update on my situation is in order.

Pete did call last week and ask me out to dinner. I really had to pause when he did as part of me said go and part of me said maybe it is not time yet. I told him rather than a straight yes or no right then I wanted to explain my circumstance. Not going into all I told him about how part of me wanted to say yes as I really did have a good time with him but I also told him of my feeling guilty of cheating on Matt. I explained how silly that mean seem to him but I still loved Matt and always will. He interrupted me right then.

He told me he was not looking to replace Matt in my eyes or life but he was gone and I wasn't. He said he understood the guilt feeling but life was out there for living and although he could make no promises on anything but I fascinated him and he wanted to get to know me better. He paused for a second before adding "No expectations, no pushing anything, just dinner and see where it goes so dinner Saturday or not?" Not sure why but I said yes.

I admit to several times having second thoughts and even once picking up the phone to call him and tell him I changed my mind but I never did it. I thought about my guilt but something someone said kept bouncing around in the back of my head, "Not only would Matt want me to go on with my life he would expect me to."

I freely admit I had a good time. Pete is easy to talk to and a fun loving guy. We did talk about my "issues" and he said he fully understood as it is not easy to start over, he had a few issues doing it after his divorce but he knew he had to. He told me he was willing to go slow and a step at a time. I thanked him for that and told him I appreciated that as right now in many ways I am taking a day at a time.

When he dropped me off he gave me a light kiss on the lips and asked if there was going to be a third date? I paused for a second and told him not sure I was ready for that next step meaning intimacy but I did have a good time tonight before giving him a light kiss on the lips asking if that answered his question. He smiled and said he would call me then left after I was inside my condo.

As I sit here I am a bit confused and not sure where all of this is going or if I am really ready. Still as several have pointed Matt is not here anymore and I am. I know at least this moment I am not ready for intimacy but that may change in time. Does Pete have the patience to wait for that only time will tell. I do know I am looking forward to that next date should it come and see where life leads me.