all those years

[Ralitsa]

Several weeks ago I was at one of the industry conferences here in town, I was sitting by myself at a table having coffee and noticed an older person standing near by. At first glance it seemed to be a woman but then I realized it was a man. I'm not sure if my looking got his attention or not, but then he came over and sat down at the table with me.
We talked for a minute or so and then he asked whether I was trans (which question I hate because trans??? what?? transcontinental? transfat? transportation???) But I guessed he probably meant transgender since transvestite is an unpopular term now, and so I said no. So then all the other standard questions were asked and answered.

Then he told me that he also likes to wear women's styles but only does it at home. His wife doesn't really approve, but tolerates it as long as he never leaves the house. He said he'd really like to be able to do it more openly and to go out dressed up. A few vague comments he made caused me to think that he sort of resents his wife for that, and like he tolerates her imposition mostly but wouldn't be too sorry if there was a major change to the situation. I'm guessing that maybe he was in the mid-70's. And so I got to thinking that here is a person who spent basically his whole life suppressing who he is, spent decades in some level of anxiety and stress over hiding this piece, his marriage doesn't sound very satisfying because of it. Maybe I'm being judgemental to say that most of his life was wasted, I don't know anything else about him so maybe there are other things that make him happy. But now I'm not the least bit sorry about the way that my marriage didn't turn out. I feel like I myself wasted a lot of years hiding and being stressed out so now I relish my freedom to wear dresses practically all the time. I know there are a lot of people who would (and do) say that clothes shouldn't be such an important interest in my life, it's sinful that I care more about wearing a nice outfit than about solving global warming or something. WhatEVER! Now in my old age I just have no patience for the notion that some interests are sinful and others are somehow righteous.
I can't take credit for being more brave or groundbreaking than other people, like that man I was talking to. I know that times change, and it's luck more than bravery that I can wear a dress to work every day if I want now. Not that it's easy for everyone to do it still, but at least in civilized places you don't get strung up on a barbwire fence and beaten to death any more. Obviously there's plenty of uncivilized places left though.
So everyone is acting like the world is going to hell in a handbasket nowadays. But in the matter of a decade or so we've gone from where if you wanted to dress like a woman you had to be a woman, to where I can wear a dress every day and it's nobody's dang business about what I am. I'm thinking the times are not so bad nowadays after all.

[Diana Michelle]

I have seen a lot of changes in attitude and acceptance in the 40 plus years since I began my transition and mostly for the good. Yes there have been some setbacks along the way and there will always be the bigots and haters out there slowly but surely acceptance had grown for us. I only pray that trend continues.

I am going to take issue with you on one point you cited Ralista. "How his marriage didn't work for him." Obviously though his wife was not as accepting as you wish she was it is his marriage to determine if it is working not yours or anyone else's. He must believe it is working on some level or else he would have walked away from it a long time ago. Perhaps not everything goes his way but no one always gets their way in a successful marriage.

I have many times talked about my first husband. Frank was a surgeon and I was a consultant. Many times his pager would go off summoning him to the hospital at all hours of the night and more than once it went off at a very inconvenient moment. Still he would answer the page and off he would go. I may have not liked it but I understood that was his job and admired his dedication. On the other hand my job dictated I travel at times and there were times I would be gone 3 out of 4 weeks. Frank was not keen on those times but he accepted it was part of my job same as his pager going off was part of his. I remember my BFF asking me one time how things were going and I laughed normal for Frank and me. She said something like what is normal for you two would be utter chaos to any other couple and I laughed "Probably true."

My point here is how someone else's marriage is going is not for anyone to judge other than that couple. What is good or working for them may not for anyone else but who are we to judge? I know full well many always thought Frank and I had a strange marriage and relationship however we both loved the other more than life itself and were comfortable in our relationship so TBH I could have cared what others thought. Same goes for the gentleman you cite. It may be your type of relationship but he is comfortable in it even if it is the comfy old slipper scenario.

Going back to the original thought of this post there have been may positive changes over the years and it is far easier for girls today than even 10 years ago. The one thing though is this not the time to rest on your laurels for while we have come a long way we still have a long way to go. I would be remiss if I didn't raise a point I have raised elsewhere here. Any time you go out in public dressed you are an ambassador for the whole community whether you like or not. Think before you act so it is a little easier for the next girl out the door.

[Anne Bonny]

Ooh!!! I will be 63 next sunday...and like that the 70 something year old man you met I also feel I have not lived the life I would rather have lived. I allowed society and my family and those around me to beat me into submission...to hold me in check...because I have spent my life cowering in a closet...but for the last few years and I am still more in hiding than I am out and free in the open air and out in the light of day. Yeah. It is sad. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xogS4qmhI9k" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

That is the issue...I am different...and similar... to men and women. I am oriented to only be attracted to women....but can appear fully male or be a non passing female. I have no desire to be the same way as the men around me in every respect, and I am glad I am similar in some ways to the women around me. People I suppose are not comfortable with it...but why should they feel that way? I am not a threat to anyone being who I am. You are right...I am the one who must realize that I am ok with myself. I have the right to be who I am....and others are free to feel however about it as long as they keep it to their self unless they want to be friendly and accepting...because I would like to hear from them, see their acknowledgment, a smile or a nod...

I have become aware of the truth which is that I am a different kind of person...and that because of that there are and will be consequences for me especially the more open I become about all of this. Went to see an artist friend doing her rotation in a local art studio yesterday...she posted...looked deserted...so I went down to talk to her...gee she probably wished that I hadn't...and with my longer hair she commented on my tiny gold ear bobs. I said Yeah I have had them for a while, as she had not noticed. It made me feel...gee has she just tossed me aside? Still we talked but I probably bored her to death and she probably wished I had not come?

My older 76 year old sister with conservative religious values straight out of the 1950's told me because one of her children had noticed how happy she was after visiting me here on the coast seeing all her former high school contacts that he thought she should move here. Her daughter is not against it either...they all live in Texas. She has one son remaining to ask who is frail mentally but managed and no telling what he will say. If she moves here she not only has a key to my home, but could pop up at anytime on me ....

I am also meeting people at dance classes I am taking...the dilemma there is if I become friends with a lady there and we begin to go out and I tell her...it might mean the end of that wonderful activity for me because I will be ostracized as a freak by the society that stands in judgement as the keepers of the gender keys...

I am as I say realizing what was said in that video is key... I have to feel completely at ease with myself...because I am and have always been different than other people regarding what society tries to force on us regarding gender...I am coming to a time when I am going to have to be matter of fact about who I am to other people. It will mean in the deep south along the Gulf Coast of Mississippi (the coast is somewhat more open than views inland) if I am matter of fact with that artist ... will she brand me as a weirdo...a deranged pervert? mentally ill? It may well mean the complete end to any more contact with her. With my sister...I have no clue but she will feel embarrassed as she feels about one of her grand daughters who is dressing as and living as a man and wants to transition! It will more likely mean a kind of endless rejection and shoving match as she will ceaselessly seek to needle me to go have ECT! or to go on serious mental DRUGS and endless psychotherapy! What of my rather run of the mill local mindset neighbor be? probably an inward cringe and disgust.

I do not want to live with these things....it is like a sailor made to run the gauntlet on deck as a punishment being whipped and beaten and tripped until I am bloodied and collapse if I make it out the other side. It think this is the terrible fate all who are like myself believe coming out will mean for us. But 70...60... if not now are we going to let these bastards successfully beat us and prevent us from being who we are inside...openly and then they throw our rotting corpse in a box, nail it shut and bury is in the ground?

[Ralitsa]

You are right Diana, it is not for me or anyone else to comment on their marriage. Well anyway I am glad that things are changing in society, so hopefully in the future this won't even be a topic of discussion. Mostly I'm just glad that I'm now in a situation that I'm satisfied with.

Anne, you have been struggling with a lot for a long time now, but don't you think that things are looking up now? I feel like your external circumstances are improving. I know you still miss you wife and that is always a hard thing. But it sounds like you have some internal peace now about yourself; and you really don't need to answer to or explain yourself to anyone. Sure there will always be the haters, like Diane said, but they only have power over us if we let them have it.

[Diana Michelle]

I have said this many times and will again. The greatest obstacle any of us face is the 4 walls we build in our own mind. Generally those 4 walls are made of fear. the fear of discovery, the fear of what will others think or say, the fear the grass is not greener on the other side, etc. Until we completely break those walls down they will always be there.

As I said I transitioned over 40 years ago and if you believe things are bad now trust me they were thousands times worse back then. At least nowadays most are aware of what a transgendered individual is. They may not like it and totally reject the concept for whatever reason but they know what the term means. When I came out to my family I had to explain what a transsexual was, that was what we were called back then, before the spewing of some vicious and hateful comments came.

While the hatred and bigotry still exists today it is in far less quantity and more have the attitude of it is your life to live. The true issue is how do we know who is friend or foe? I am still active in the LGBT organization near me and many times sit in on the TG support group which is for both TGs and CDs. The one thing I hear over and over from those who have gone out for their first time or first few times is how nonchalant many are towards them. They don't run up with open arms but more a sideways smile or a simple nod of the head. They hear from shops and stores have a nice day and come back again. In a way many take that as they are "passing" but TBH while that may be in some cases it is more a general acceptance.

I have several points here. First and foremost until you rip down those walls you have built you will never be able to accept yourself and take those steps into the sunlight. Secondly if you are expecting a heartfelt welcome to the world from people you are never going to see it. Last but not least regardless of what the bigots and haters say it is your life to live same as theirs is. It is up to you whether you decide to live your life as others think you should or if you live it for you.