Becoming a Woman...
Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2020 11:49 am
No, I do not mean "becoming" something that I am not and will not ever be able to be. Many trans women even acknowledge that there is a difference ... breast revisions are needed about every 10 years as implants age...and Dilating is something women do not need to do. I am not talking about any of that. I am someone who is on the more mild side of transgender or perhaps I am just a nonconformist, whatever who needs labels?
I am talking about this mental inclination I have had my entire life personally and privately in that little area inside my brain I am female...I am a woman in my head...in my preferences, in my inclinations. Stop and challenge me personally Yeah...yes I am a man I would say.... Cannot change any of that... But I have always had this difference inside of my head. I am similar and different in various ways from both men and women and I have no desire to be exactly like men in general...they are a little too much for me while I am really comfortable in ways in which I am closer to women...being somewhat sensitive, emotional and caring...finding connections and not having to dominate and force my way on others at all times I suppose are some of those ways.
looking in the mirror and in my mind I moved into my female manner of dress this morning preferring this, and noticing a need to ... well I need to put on my make up because I just look better when I enhance my brows, eyes, and lips...fix my hair and put in better ear rings. moving into female jeans and a polo with my sandals revealing my beautiful red toenails...glad the spring is here. I prefer to reflect who I am inside... and my preference is to be with and around other women because I know this is where I would be most comfortable. It is not dressing, or anything else that leads me here it is because this is how I am, where I feel comfortable and is where I prefer to be my inclinations bring me here.
Think if all were where it should be...I would be there too... this is a lot of who I am.... why am I so fearful about where I should be a lot...all?...mostly? It is the Fear...I am afraid of the consequences for me...but once ....would there be any accepting people surrounding me...supporting me...saying hello to me? who would be willing to accept me? Accepting that I am Anne...would I still find myself drifting into being George? And ...the fear....neighbor, people I know, would it all collapse and a howl go up to force me into psychiatric care to be made into a zombie? GAY? They may not even accept us! Gender is confronted by vicious rejection, denial, and dismissive attitudes that we are just compulsive perverts! That who we are is Bull manure (apologies Diana)! Unwilling to even see who we are is because our head is constructed in this way. It has been a lifelong confrontation with what is going on inside of me...not some perverted phase I got into yesterday!! I am and have always been different inside...I am different...and similar to the people around me...men and women! Yeah Fear...but I have to face it and put that behind me as I begin to step out and begin to allow myself to bravely be willing to be who I am and put an end to all of this. By living openly so I can just be who I am. Yeah, "a prophet is not without honor...except in their own town", in their own home, in the presence of their own family members.' They are probably the ones who will ask when have you been anything other than a man? since when have you ever been like women? when did you start all of this yesterday!? I have never seen you doing any of these things! Family are the ones who will be the most dismissive and prone to denial of everything that we are...they know where all the emotional strings are and are the ones who can hurt us the most as well and make us feel the most deflated and defeated and to feel as if we must lay down as they stomp all over who we happen to be.... I suppose so...but they cannot do anything about who I am inside...yeah, they can kill me but cannot do anything about who I happen to be!
I am talking about this mental inclination I have had my entire life personally and privately in that little area inside my brain I am female...I am a woman in my head...in my preferences, in my inclinations. Stop and challenge me personally Yeah...yes I am a man I would say.... Cannot change any of that... But I have always had this difference inside of my head. I am similar and different in various ways from both men and women and I have no desire to be exactly like men in general...they are a little too much for me while I am really comfortable in ways in which I am closer to women...being somewhat sensitive, emotional and caring...finding connections and not having to dominate and force my way on others at all times I suppose are some of those ways.
looking in the mirror and in my mind I moved into my female manner of dress this morning preferring this, and noticing a need to ... well I need to put on my make up because I just look better when I enhance my brows, eyes, and lips...fix my hair and put in better ear rings. moving into female jeans and a polo with my sandals revealing my beautiful red toenails...glad the spring is here. I prefer to reflect who I am inside... and my preference is to be with and around other women because I know this is where I would be most comfortable. It is not dressing, or anything else that leads me here it is because this is how I am, where I feel comfortable and is where I prefer to be my inclinations bring me here.
Think if all were where it should be...I would be there too... this is a lot of who I am.... why am I so fearful about where I should be a lot...all?...mostly? It is the Fear...I am afraid of the consequences for me...but once ....would there be any accepting people surrounding me...supporting me...saying hello to me? who would be willing to accept me? Accepting that I am Anne...would I still find myself drifting into being George? And ...the fear....neighbor, people I know, would it all collapse and a howl go up to force me into psychiatric care to be made into a zombie? GAY? They may not even accept us! Gender is confronted by vicious rejection, denial, and dismissive attitudes that we are just compulsive perverts! That who we are is Bull manure (apologies Diana)! Unwilling to even see who we are is because our head is constructed in this way. It has been a lifelong confrontation with what is going on inside of me...not some perverted phase I got into yesterday!! I am and have always been different inside...I am different...and similar to the people around me...men and women! Yeah Fear...but I have to face it and put that behind me as I begin to step out and begin to allow myself to bravely be willing to be who I am and put an end to all of this. By living openly so I can just be who I am. Yeah, "a prophet is not without honor...except in their own town", in their own home, in the presence of their own family members.' They are probably the ones who will ask when have you been anything other than a man? since when have you ever been like women? when did you start all of this yesterday!? I have never seen you doing any of these things! Family are the ones who will be the most dismissive and prone to denial of everything that we are...they know where all the emotional strings are and are the ones who can hurt us the most as well and make us feel the most deflated and defeated and to feel as if we must lay down as they stomp all over who we happen to be.... I suppose so...but they cannot do anything about who I am inside...yeah, they can kill me but cannot do anything about who I happen to be!