Becoming a Woman...

[Anne Bonny]

No, I do not mean "becoming" something that I am not and will not ever be able to be. Many trans women even acknowledge that there is a difference ... breast revisions are needed about every 10 years as implants age...and Dilating is something women do not need to do. I am not talking about any of that. I am someone who is on the more mild side of transgender or perhaps I am just a nonconformist, whatever who needs labels?

I am talking about this mental inclination I have had my entire life personally and privately in that little area inside my brain I am female...I am a woman in my head...in my preferences, in my inclinations. Stop and challenge me personally Yeah...yes I am a man I would say.... Cannot change any of that... But I have always had this difference inside of my head. I am similar and different in various ways from both men and women and I have no desire to be exactly like men in general...they are a little too much for me while I am really comfortable in ways in which I am closer to women...being somewhat sensitive, emotional and caring...finding connections and not having to dominate and force my way on others at all times I suppose are some of those ways.

looking in the mirror and in my mind I moved into my female manner of dress this morning preferring this, and noticing a need to ... well I need to put on my make up because I just look better when I enhance my brows, eyes, and lips...fix my hair and put in better ear rings. moving into female jeans and a polo with my sandals revealing my beautiful red toenails...glad the spring is here. I prefer to reflect who I am inside... and my preference is to be with and around other women because I know this is where I would be most comfortable. It is not dressing, or anything else that leads me here it is because this is how I am, where I feel comfortable and is where I prefer to be my inclinations bring me here.

Think if all were where it should be...I would be there too... this is a lot of who I am.... why am I so fearful about where I should be a lot...all?...mostly? It is the Fear...I am afraid of the consequences for me...but once ....would there be any accepting people surrounding me...supporting me...saying hello to me? who would be willing to accept me? Accepting that I am Anne...would I still find myself drifting into being George? And ...the fear....neighbor, people I know, would it all collapse and a howl go up to force me into psychiatric care to be made into a zombie? GAY? They may not even accept us! Gender is confronted by vicious rejection, denial, and dismissive attitudes that we are just compulsive perverts! That who we are is Bull manure (apologies Diana)! Unwilling to even see who we are is because our head is constructed in this way. It has been a lifelong confrontation with what is going on inside of me...not some perverted phase I got into yesterday!! I am and have always been different inside...I am different...and similar to the people around me...men and women! Yeah Fear...but I have to face it and put that behind me as I begin to step out and begin to allow myself to bravely be willing to be who I am and put an end to all of this. By living openly so I can just be who I am. Yeah, "a prophet is not without honor...except in their own town", in their own home, in the presence of their own family members.' They are probably the ones who will ask when have you been anything other than a man? since when have you ever been like women? when did you start all of this yesterday!? I have never seen you doing any of these things! Family are the ones who will be the most dismissive and prone to denial of everything that we are...they know where all the emotional strings are and are the ones who can hurt us the most as well and make us feel the most deflated and defeated and to feel as if we must lay down as they stomp all over who we happen to be.... I suppose so...but they cannot do anything about who I am inside...yeah, they can kill me but cannot do anything about who I happen to be!

[Diana Michelle]

I read this post and successfully fought the urge to fire off a hastily written response that could have been offensive to some though I will admit it was hard. Rather I sat back and had a good stiff bourbon but it continued to call my name.

I understand what I am about to say may be controversial and perhaps some may take offense. For any of you who are offended I apologize here and now for that is not my intention however there are a few things I feel need to be said here.

First and foremost one cannot "become a woman." It is something you are same as being right handed or of Polish descent or even blue eyed naturally. No amount of cosmetics, clothes, or even surgeries including GCS can make you a woman. You just are! That has been a fact forever and always will be and that applies not only to cisgender women but also trans women.

Now let me address what I believe Anne was trying to get at. We all have male and female in us. For some that is not an issue and freely accept that, granted they may attempt to diminish one side or the other coming out but it is there. IMO the percentages vary from person to person and can even ebb or flow within a given person based on a wide variety of circumstances.

IMO in Anne's case and that with many CDs even heterosexual ones it is about the curiosity of the unknown. The thought the grass is greener on the other side. The desire to have that someone special in their life who embraces both sides of them. The opportunity to slide back and forth between stereotypical gender roles without the fear of embarrassment, being laughed at, harassed, and even discriminated against. It would be wonderful if life were as open and free as to allow that but sadly it is not. Granted it is closer to that point today than when I came out some 40 plus years ago but we are far from there yet IMO. Maybe someday but not yet.

Part of my everyday morning routine is to do my make up and hair. There are mornings everything seems to go just right and my make up is perfect and the hair is cooperative and I look in the mirror and think "not too shabby for an old broad Diana." More often there are days it is more "Looks acceptable" and off I go to get dressed. Then again there are days of OMG! For some reason I can't get the eyeliner right no matter how many times I wipe it off and try again, the blending of the eye shadow just isn't right, and no matter what I do with it the hair just is not going to cooperate. Finally I mutter to myself "This is as good as it gets."

Perhaps the best way to put this is not concentrate on "becoming a woman" but rather being the best woman you can in your mind and yes appearance counts here. Accept this is as close as you can get and this is as good as it gets. It is not about being prettier than someone else or being more feminine for being a woman has nothing to do with either. Again it just is!

Maybe I can put this another way. It is not about rejecting who and what you are. Nor is it about trying to be something you are not. Neither is it about what society sees for sadly way too many want to see with their eyes rather than their heart or mind. It is about looking deep inside and saying this who I am. It is about accepting this who I am. It is about understanding who I am and where I fit into this crazy existence we call life.

I am going to leave you with a quote I have always tried to live my life by though I will admit sometimes the wisdom part comes hard.

“Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

― Reinhold Niebuhr

[Anne Bonny]

Ok...Reading Diana...and thank you for your patience with me...you do have the right to clobber me because we have been corresponding for a long time...and I hope we will continue on in the future.

I agree...it was just a poorly considered heading because I agree...whatever it is that makes me this way...it is not something I am becoming... but as I have been saying for a long long time this is who I am.

I have come across a couple trans women (their epithet)...Women I suppose I should say who have stated because they had to have corrective procedures, and cosmetic? implants and have to dilate and take hormones...it is something women born with the correct body? do not have to do because their brain gender matches the body they were born with. For that reason these women I came across say they feel different from the women who have not had to go through all of this. Their opinion, being kind of on the outside as a non candidate what do I know!? All I know is that I am different inside my head...

I am sorry I have upset you...I am not sure .... you know Socrates never wrote anything down for this reason ... it is not the same as talking with give and take, and reconsidering and reaching an understanding...Cannot correct things on the fly...as someone else states "Hey! wait a minute!!!" I of course had absolutely no desire to upset you because I see you as a friend and do not want that to change. All I know is that I am different and always have been. Anne

[Diana Michelle]

Takes a hell of a lot more than something like this to upset me. As I said I hope I didn't upset or offend anyone with my comments but there were some things I felt needed to be addressed. As my old boss used to say "Often wrong but seldom in doubt"

Are there differences between the trans women and genetic ones? Obviously but it isn't about the differences but the similarities. I have said before it is difficult to define and the best I have ever come up with is it isn't about clothes or appearance or even surgery there is just an essence inside that says you are a woman.

I have more than a couple of friends who are trans women and we have talked at length at one time or another about the differences between cisgender and trans woman and never once has things like HRT or dilation or breast development ever entered the subject. Oh sure more than one of us have joked about having more on top and know several who have had breast augmentation. The conversation is more about what would have been like had we been born with the proper plumbing? Would our lives be different? Would we be where we are in life? How would our parents have raised us and what type of woman would we be? Yes the subject of pregnancy and motherhood has come up but while at least most of us would liked to have that option available to us we all knew going in that was not possible so it is more of a what if conversation than poor me.

Going back to the original premise of "Becoming a woman" I repeat one does not become a woman you either are or are not. That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't be as much a woman as you desire and can be.

The one thing that strikes me about this topic and others is we always seem to talk about differences between this or that. IMO we would all be in a far better place as a society if we didn't look for differences but rather where we are the same. One of the girls here uses as her signature a quote from the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, that may be quite relevant here.

"We may all have come on different ships but we are all in the same boat now"

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Those of us who are female don't become women ,,,we in fact for most grow into becoming women ,

some of us grow up we find who we are we express who we are , we don't allways get it right, I don't because I was born with abnormalitys and some of those are very hard to have right some to a point can be corrected by surgery,s though in the main ...CAN...NOT...be changed I have to live with that, yes it affects me a lot it,s part of my makeup in who I am and what makes me this way.

There are some aspects of my life I am struggling with and have from age 10,i have to continuly work through those I thought long ago I had buried those, till 4 1/2 years ago surfaced ..

Of cause there are other detail,s I have to work through out side of those, I have a neat life I can go any where meet many 1000,s of people and join in with them , if you can see this for what it is and how it can change your life then is over to you.
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I went to the people and as every one know,s on a very large scale I had to put my full trust in all of those people no doubt,s no 2 nd quessing and once I did there was no return no going back and no hiding...…….

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I quess I knew and long before I told them what was changing many I had known from age 12 there were no issue,s no rejection,s some already knew I was female then , so I stepped out as though nothing was any different in fact nothing was I have not changed in who I am , my core self is intact , the normal changes that do take place are just normal life as we grow up and who we meet and interact with and normal body change,s mine were a little different ,

Okay . had I said well if I get rejected for being myself I can go hide and carry on live some place else and wear clothes that would cover my body people would not have said any thing till it came to my birth documents and say oh..... whats this female at birth so what,s this your not a male your female why are you hiding who you are, get the point , and you know what I could have done that , would people have seen the real who I am ...NO... some would have said and did we knew you are a female.

Quite frankly I am not one to hide who a am. I quess I,m strong enough to carry my self in to the fray and know I,ll be okay.

...noeleena...