Gender boundaries...

[CharLee]

Anne,

As the others have given you very good and true advice it is only up to you for when you take the step to go out the door. But I will add to their advice what made me decide to go out into the sunlight. First off you have to have the self acceptance that this is who I am or want to be and I won't be deterred. Then the confidence and attitude that I belong and have the right to be here and I don't give a damn what other people might think of me or react to my presenting as a woman.

When you truly have that confidence then and only then will you be able to walk out the door and into the sunlight. The biggest fear we all have is in our heads and not with what people will think. When you overcome that fear going out becomes easier.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Anne Bonny]

I do run every day, sometimes in women's gear from head to foot....even make up and nail polish, and ear rings, and rings but no bracelets or necklaces. I pass people on occasion...and part of my running is through a neighborhood a total of 3.16 miles! Oh...and I do not change for the 1.5 miles of walking and walking the dog part. I have gone out to get the mail fully dressed, just did...all junk, or to take the garbage bins out and haul them back in...I have no problem getting in the car and driving around and could go through the drive through.

Thing is....OH! I was in an LGBT friendly church for a few months and did go dressed and even wore a sundress and sandals etc to one of the church member's homes for a church back yard picnic....and drove home, was there several hours....

Still I do admit that is a lot different than going into Starbucks in a casual dress and sandals of course make up and jewelry hopefully put together well... I do feel supported, no one here is pushing me to do anything I do not want to do after all it is my decision. With the covid thing going on businesses are not really open for me to go in. So this is a challenge on hold. I keep Eddie Izzard's statements in mind. That I am fine, if anyone has a problem it is theirs! That I should make eye contact...and he even walks right up to any who seem to be disapproving...gaw, not sure I can do that and he may even talk to them if needed..."is there a problem here?" or something....He is very matter of fact...that this is who he is, and that I am fine, there is not anything wrong with who I am.

I suppose the challenge is to wear a dress... even though I do believe shorts or slacks are probably the predominant choice of other ladies I have seen in casual settings...

This is not some kinky exhibitionism this is because this is who I have always been inside of myself. And I desire when I do go somewhere that what I wear is what I would really choose to wear, what I am comfortable in and I do of course want to look nice...or look my best ... I believe I can look ok even though I have not transitioned or been on hormones and will probably never do that...I do not believe I am a candidate being kind of like Eddie my transgender hero of the moment...well for the next year...maybe for years to come? Pass? Well is that required? I am a MTF transgender male...so I pass for myself! Pass for who I am. Yes...I know who I am...and I am not insecure about it....they can choose to think I am gay or whatever about me...that does not matter....I do have self confidence...or I am confident in myself...hum. That is quite a lot .... I mean after a lifetime at some point shouldn't I say to hell with it! I have a right to be who I happen to be inside...ok others are free not to like it...fine! If I run into someone I know...well...I do! When am I going to start living and being who I am ... you do get tired of it...I suppose that is also a part of that "to hell with it!"

I have been on this site for a number of years...before this one in the mid 90's I was on a similar site that was very active but they went off line which was disappointing but I found a home here. The support here .... well, I view this as an online support group....though opportunities to do that seem to be limited, I miss a number of people who eventually moved on... I have listened to everyone's very thoughtful advice ... and I feel a number of hands I suppose electronically supporting whatever I choose to do or even not to do.

I as you can see have done some of the suggested things.... Yes I have been to the ATM....I went to Walmart neighborhood market to buy supplies for my wife when she was with me still but waiting at home. I even remember a couple of midnight walks in a dress in secluded areas. I also remember driving to a conference pulling over and changing before getting on the road and having to do that once or twice to get gas and before leaving the hotel parking lot for the trip home.

I started dressing when I was 9 years old..now 63...that is 54 years...and possibly since I was born but never realized it at that age? Having lost my dear wife two years ago, but also include my decade of care giving gave me years to figure all of this out. I no longer have to consider my wife's feelings or how she was feeling...and our rules... Now I am completely free. I do hope I can find another lady but she will have to really want to be with every part of who I am openly without any reservations...it could happen but in the meantime...Yes! I want to be able to be who I am, I want or hope most everyone will know and of course I should also feel I am able to go out the door with the same feeling I do when I step out in male clothing... I am the same inside regardless, I want to be able to step out without even thinking the only consideration would be do I look ok...and where I might be going and what I might be doing...the beach? a casino? going to see friends or out to eat or traveling for a 3 day weekend at a condo in Gulf Shores? Yes, I should feel at ease and do it with hardly any thought about it at all....that is when I will be where I should be.

Thank you...Diana, Charlee, Kimberly, Ralitsa, and Amanda! hugs.... I hope to update...I want to make progress...

[Ralitsa]

Hi Anne,
with the whole COVID thing right now, don't do anything unwise and none of us would want you to put your health or anyone else's at risk. I said wear a dress to the local coffee shop because I myself can think of nothing more relaxing and satisfying than having a cup of mocha while wearing a cute sundress and reading the morning paper. There is no sort of kinky exhibitionism going on with that! If it's a perfectly acceptable outfit to be worn in public then it should be perfectly acceptable.
So maybe there is a better alternative in this post-COVID society than the coffee shop, that would seem to be dependent on the local circumstances. But I'm sure there are a lot of options.
I expect you've read all the stories everyone has posted over the years about our "first time" and how utterly terrified we were, only to come back home and find out that the whole rest of the world didn't even notice. Well it is scary, no doubt about that. And maybe most of the rest of the world won't notice or won't care, but those of us here will always care about you. And yes, we are inveterate gossip-mongers and want to hear your story when you come back, but mostly we see how you are struggling to be free and we want you to be free. I want to read posts from you about how you found the most adorable pair of shoes to match your new dress and you will be wearing that outfit to the next event; I don't want to read about how unhappy you are struggling to live honestly to yourself. I want to hear about a sale you found down at the local mall and got a fabulous new outfit!
You will never regret that you did it, you will only regret that you waited so long to do it.

[Diana Michelle]

In light of the current pandemic (there's a word I never dreamed would become part of my everyday vocabulary) I have had to put plans on hold and am sure I am not alone in that. Personally I thought your suggestion of the coffee shop was an excellent one Ralista. It offered just enough interaction to be challenging yet offered enough isolation and protection to be safe. While perhaps putting a damper on certain activities the current circumstances does afford the opportunity to become more comfortable with that "next step."

I have posted elsewhere my first time out and obviously there were many after. They came in small steps in the beginning and the early ones were under the cover of darkness but eventually I became comfortable enough to take my first steps into the daylight. Yes I found some who made it known they were less than receptive, some in their words but more in their actions or inactions. Think the sales clerk who ignores you in spite of being the only customer in the shop here. I also found some who though maybe not coming outright and say it were fine with me and even maybe somewhat supportive flashing a smile my way or commenting "Cute skirt where did you get it?" While both were there what I found was the vast majority were really quite ambivalent. Just going about their business and allowing me to do the same. Obviously the standard disclaimer of "Individual results can vary" belongs here but of the girls I have talked with over the years found similar to me.

I would like to offer a few tips here to those going out the door for the first time as well as those who are old pros at it. First and foremost stay safe! While most of the naysayers may cast an evil glance your way or even utter a few derogatory words there are a few who will think about causing you harm and some of these may even act on it. There has been enough tragedies involving the LGBT community please don't become the next statistic! IMO being a live coward beats being a dead hero any day of the week.

Next at least in the early stages plan out your sojourn and stick to the script. As the old saying goes "I've had enough excitement for one day." There will be plenty of opportunities to "wing it as you go" when your comfort level grows. Further do not defend your actions or brag about them. While you are entitled to the same courtesies as anyone else you are not entitled to special treatment. They say the squeaky wheel gets the oil but also they also say discretion is the better part of valor. If you happen onto some place that makes you uncomfortable leave and find somewhere else.

Last but definitely not least when you go out the door put a smile on your face and carry yourself tall, proud, and comfortable in your actions. It is your life to live obviously with legal boundaries and no one has the right to tell you how to live it presuming you are 18 or older nor should. Far beyond gender we have all done things that made some feel uncomfortable. Why should your choice of attire be any different?

While I believe the vast majority of girls, 95% plus IMO, desire to go out into the sunlight not all do. I can respect that for all have their reasons why not. It is not for me or anyone to judge the validity of these reasons for as I was taught way back in Catechism the right to judge is not man's but belongs to God. IMO why or why not is a combination of circumstances, opportunity, and personal desire and need and all must be there. Regardless if you go nonchalantly into the light or remain hidden away in the corners of the closet accept and embrace this is "who I am" for we are all unique and I for one cherish my uniqueness.

[Ralitsa]

Diana gives a lot of good advice there to those who are planning their first time out, and I agree with all of it. Picking the time and place for the first venture out is maybe one of the more important, or at least it seems like the biggest problem to face when you're doing it. I think everyone wants to do it when there are minimal people around, and certainly when there is the least chance of any dangerous, questionable, unsavory, or obnoxious people around. I've read that sometimes one will choose an isolated place late at night for that reason. In my opinion that's probably a lot more risky than some other options. My suggestion would be early in the morning (like before 0700) and in a very public place. I've noticed that the people who are out and about at that hour are usually just doing their thing, going to work, getting their kids to school, etc. and the last thing in the world they are interested in is making trouble for someone. The trouble makers are all still in bed sleeping it off at that hour.
I've had a few bad experiences, but mostly really good ones, and I'm glad now that I am where I am. I think it's getting better lately, it sure seems like people are much more accepting than even 5 or 10 years ago. But maybe that's my perception because even 5 years ago I was still really uncomfortable about myself. Heck, even 6 months ago I was agonizing over wearing dresses to work and now I wouldn't even think of wearing anything else unless I had a good reason.

[Eris Lunara]

There is always the issue of physical safety, which can vary greatly depending on where we live.

For my first time out in public, I chose the one day of the year where CDing is normal, Halloween. I was definitely wearing a costume, but it was a feminine costume that reflected something of me. I even won a prize. And some woman grabbed my inserts and then let go in shock saying OMG they're real. (They weren't, but I guess they felt real) It was that kind of place.

I also indulged one of my favorite activities and did a lot of hiking. Sometimes moonlit walks in the forest, very fun indeed, and sometimes weekday hikes in places I was unlikely to meet anyone A couple of times I went camping. And for the most part I wore appropriate hiking attire, which meant that you would have to look close to see I was en femme, unless I was wearing one of my hiking skirts.

Some of my fondest CD memories are of hiking in my skirt in the moonlight

I never felt a need to interact in a dress during normal activities. I think I was very in touch with the fact that I am a man and that I was just being my own imaginary friend. Not in a sexual sense, although of course that also happened, might as well own that right up front. There was something else about my tomboy imaginary friend that I just liked being with. Although I enjoy the company of other crossdressers, I don't feel the need to dress myself in those conversations.

If I was to do something en femme with others, the thing that most immediately appeals to me would be a LARP thing. I could definitely enjoy being the elderly witch lady in the forest that folks come to for guidance, sort of like Calypso in Pirates of the Caribbean. Every now and then I'd go to a ren faire, wearing everything but my skirt, no one noticed.

Hiking in a skirt in the fall is very sensuous as long as it's an easy hike. So was gardening No peak bagging en femme for me, did that in drab.....
.