Gender boundaries...

[Anne Bonny]

Thing is that I have an absolute right to be who I am! I think people need to get over their ideas about gender boundaries existing that fence us into different mental stockades that we are not free to leave. We should be able to mix and mingle with everyone when we do not fit what is "supposed to be"... by the gender police! If I feel more at home with the those who are more as I am inside...what business is this of anyone else!? I suppose some will not like it when we are mixing with them...but many will not mind and will welcome us in...and over time this old social construct will change until no one will think anything about it anymore. With shared interests..
It'll become "Hi Anne. How are you? Give me a hug! Come over here and sit down with us."

[Ralitsa]

You are right Anne, you do have an absolute right to be who you are.
But I wonder who is saying that you don't? I haven't run into any sort of difficulty in years, and really I have to say that in the last 5 years or so it seems like being trans-something has become quite fashionable. I certainly don't intend to make light of it though, I'm glad to see the drastic change.
I suspect that you might be pleasantly surprised, and a lot of people will say "Hi Anne, come over and sit down with us."

[KimberlyS]

In my experience and in talking with others, most people are fairly accepting to some degree. I am not saying they are going to run up and give you a hug. And I am not saying there is not still issues out in the world for us but be sensible. IMHO pick a safe destination with a variety of people there during the daytime. Malls, department stores, grocery stores, restaurants are all generally good place to get out and about in during the day. Cities with a more diverse population may be a better choice over a small conservative town.

I can say in all of years Kim has been out and about she has not had any major issues. Yes I have had some people that did not seem to care for Kim, so I left and went some place else. I had some kids yell "it's a guy" and I just kept shopping and ignored them and they left. There will always be aholes in the world we live in as we are all different. I can remember the days that if you had a tattoo you were either in the service or a bad person. Now they are everywhere.

Now I see the times I have been overly welcome and embraced. And the number of store clerks that have gone above and beyond to help Kim has been beyond my imagination.

Often our biggest hurdle in life are between our ears. We often over think and over analyze things in life. Sometimes we just need to listen to Nike and "JUST DO IT".

kimberlys

[Anne Bonny]

Men can and should be able to feel pretty and be able to lean a little on their partner sometimes and feel accepted and loved. I think some men just happen to desire and to want this because they are like this. I enjoy being this way..because I am feminine/female and cannot help it. Sometimes I want to dress feminine and make myself pretty...and other times..jeans and shorts are fine. I have been dressing male most all the time lately...guess I was missing the feminine in my life.

There are all kinds of people in this world, why can't people just accept it?

There are all kinds of women and there are all kinds of men why are barriers erected to stop our freedom of expression, our freedom to be who we are? Not all women are the same...and neither are men! Women and Men are Masculine and Feminine...they are hard and soft...sensitive and strong. From an early age these barriers are thrown up to make it seem we are outside the norm they want to insist we are bad and they want to make us feel wrong and bad if our feelings and desires are not consistently within the artificial barriers erected for us because of our physical sex....well what about our mental sex!? Are women bad and inferior because of who they are? Then why is that a bad thing if men are also that way...and vice versa!? I do believe this will in the future all eventually be seen as outmoded and ridiculous. Little boys will be able to grow up running around with and enjoying the same things girls do and the same for girls who will desire running around with boys. And most will just fit in with the old constraints...but do not ruin the lives of those who do not! gaw!

[Anne Bonny]

Ralitsa...I believe I am the one telling myself this! I am very glad to see signs of change, but there are many who will fight our being out tooth and nail...the key will be to not associate with them but with our circle of acceptance which includes people we do not even know, acquaintances, friends and even family who do.... Yeah, I have to work on it!

Kimberly...You are absolutely right! It is between my ears! more than it is not. Psychologically I need to work on all of this, would be helpful if someone were there to take my hand but right now there just isn't. I do fear losing people I have recently met and currently hold tenuous relationships with ... people I dance with...I really fear the disapproval of so many people...my neighbor, even family let alone having the inner fortitude to damn it all get in the car and go shopping for whatever, or go out ... I do it as a man...why not as a woman!? It is this inner fear, been there all of my life gee I am 63. I have gone jogging in female attire but not overtly wearing a sports bra instead of a ladys T. Driving around or going in somewhere is a very high hill for me to climb...these are psychologically very steep hills for me to climb. It is a psychological problem. You know once I have told someone and have been accepted there is nothing in the world to compare with that feeling. What would it be like if my whole world were that way!? Why can't I stop hiding and jump out into the light!? I am still very constrained. Parents are gone, wife ...widowed, sisters live in other states, told one, sons know...what the hell is stopping me!? ME!!! Gee got to go run.

[Ralitsa]

OK Anne, I'm going to give you this challenge. Go out to your local coffee shop wearing a cute dress.
Get up early one fine, sunny, warm spring morning; get ready, do your excercises or running if that's what you do in the morning, then put on a cute sun dress with sandals and go get a coffee. Have a nice relaxing morning drinking a coffee, reading the paper, enjoying the weather.
Just do it!

[KimberlyS]

...would be helpful if someone were there to take my hand but right now there just isn't.

Anne I agree it would have been nice to have someone holding my hand. But many of us did not have that. But I realized I did not have someone holding my hand in a lot of what I did in life but some how got through it. Guess what you can do this.

... I do fear losing people I have recently met and currently hold tenuous relationships with ... people I dance with...I really fear the disapproval of so many people...my neighbor, even family....

Anne are you trying to come out to everyone you know and do not know all at once???? That is what you are making it sound like.

I will double down on the Ralitsa challenge. The people at the coffee shop you do not even know. So put on a nice casual dress and open the door.

kimberlys

[Diana Michelle]

The greatest obstacle we all face is the 4 walls we build in our own minds and those bricks are made of fear. Until you break down those wall absolutely nothing will ever happen. Zip, zero, nada, nothing, zilch! I understand those walls are difficult to break through for many times there are layers upon layers of bricks and we are all far better in putting up walls than taking them down.

I want you to take a step back and forget all about gender issues here and think about your life in general. Throughout your career as well in your personal life you have encountered 100's if not 1,000's of people you have interfaced with. Some may have been as simple as a conversation in a check out line to someone you had to work closely with for extended hours. I am sure there were some you were quit fond of and some you thought were OK but there was no way you were ever to be best friends with but I am also sure there were some you thought to yourself "if I didn't have to work with this person there is no way I would be associating with them." Perhaps there were even a few that you outright despised yet for whatever reason you had to interface with. That is what they call the game of life.

Now with that said you as did I as any girl who has taken a step into the sunlight has to know not everyone is going to welcome us with open arms. That can be driven by many reasons from lack of understanding to outright bigotry and hatred driven by a variety of reasons. Yes life would be wonderful if people could just accept people as they are but that ain't gonna happen! We all have likes and dislikes, opinions and views, and even prejudices. Again that is what they call the game of life. That is why we get to choose our friends.

As I have told you and other girls there is a tremendous difference between wanting to go out into the world and needing to. I can remember way back to many times being all dressed up and wanting to go out and show the world the girl inside, even having the door handle in my hand but unable to turn it to open the door. I am sure many other girls have similar stories. Until the need is there you will never go through that door.

Anne as I have told you before you have a tendency to over think things. You analyze down to the most minute detail and for every argument someone comes up with you counter with 3 as to why not. The problem here is this is not an issue of logic rather one of emotion and until you cross that threshold you will continue to consternate about what could or could not be.

You talk about how people could not accept Anne yet how do you know unless you introduce her to them? IMO you may be surprised but a word of caution here. Do not force anything! You can no more force someone to like you than you can put the square peg in the round hole.

Every journey regardless of its length or how difficult it is begins with a single step. Until you take that step nothing will ever happen but dreams and nightmares. In that vein I will triple down on Ralista's coffee shop challenge. What do you have to lose other than a few bricks in that wall in your mind?

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you...I am on this journey and never see myself turning back now. In the past I would get up to this road...then go back to my male side and pull back ... that has not happened this time. I am farther along than I have ever been and know this time I am indeed on this road...the road knowing that I have as Eddie Izzard terms it "total clothing" rights...the very same rights every woman claims. Like Izzard I realize I am a heterosexual man "with a girly" inclined brain.

[Diana Michelle]

That's an excellent start Anne but maybe I missed it, what about the coffee shop challenge?

[Anne Bonny]

AAH!!!!! Coffee Shop Challenge...gaw?!!! Well this is the Mississippi Gulf Coast. A cute dress? Well There may or may not be women wearing cute dresses in the coffee shops down here...but most I think are in the other mode...shorts or slacks and a top etc...maybe I will scope it out because I do believe ...well let's just say I think the majority of us around here are in other attire with cute dresses seen in the younger women... This is about who I am inside so I am free to choose the attire I desire or that I am comfortable in because a woman is a woman in whatever mode of clothing she may choose to wear.

I have the challenge....now let me see what I do with it...

[Diana Michelle]

Other than as an excuse not to go out tell me again why you can't wear a dress to the coffee shop Anne. Are you trying to tell me that not a single woman in a skirt or a dress has ever stopped at the coffee shop for something and then sat down to go over her notes for her next appointment or make sure her shopping list was complete or simply to take a break from her hectic schedule? Here I thought I was the only one with a bridge for sale.

I have a couple of cousins who live quite close to me and we get several times a year over lunch and liquid refreshment. I remember the first time I wore a skirt to one of our "family reunions" and they both asked me what brought that about and I laughed "Because I felt like it." Now these "reunions" take place at a local watering hole or the Moose Lodge and being small town northern Michigan a woman in a skirt or dress definitely stands out. Not right away but soon both Dee and Renee have worn a skirt or a dress to out get togethers. Not always nor do I always but someone has to break the ice.

Now let us talk about what dress to wear. A semi formal style or one suitable for clubbing? I think not! Maybe even a dressier style suitable for business or a funeral might not be appropriate particularly in the beginning however there are many cute casual dresses and sundresses that are quite appropriate and practical for everyday wear and would fit into the casual atmosphere of a coffee shop. One other suggestion here is leave the heels at home in the beginning. There are many cute flats and sandals out there. If it is a sun dress perhaps a pair of wedges but not too high.

OK Anne you have been challenged, Kim doubled down on that challenge, and I tripled down on it. What are you going to do?

[KimberlyS]

For those who have not been following Anne's posts over time, I am going to post a forum rule and commentary on why it may apply here.
The rules of this forum clearly state that:
"No one on this forum will try to convert anyone to be something they are not."
and
"No one should push others to do something they do not want to do".

From reading Anne's posts over time and PM exchanges, Anne has said she wants to take the next step. Like most of us , Anne is beyond scared to make this next move and needs some help. Anne had said she wishes wishes she had some one there to go with her. Many of us wish we could just show up at hers and others door with an out reached hand and welcome her past the door. The reality is that is not possible for most of us, and especially at this time of the Covad virus. So like many of us Anne does not have anyone near her to help her out and be their with her, but we can support her from this forum.

So Anne the question for you to make everything clear, do you want to take the next step and get out and about?

If you do not then I rescind my challenge.

If you do, then I hold to my challenge with some potential changes.

- One, I often tell people when they start getting out and about, GET AWAY FROM HOME! Go a distance from home that will make you more comfortable. For some that may be an hour drive, for others it could be several hours. For some people it may be an overnight trip to a town you do not know anyone it. You pick your comfort level.
- Two, you said you wanted to scope out the place. I highly recommend that. Go in you guy self, get a cup of coffee and check out the place. That way when you show up enfemme you should feel more comfortable there.
- Three (may not be compatible with number one involving distances greater than an hour) If you can not jump out into the world enfemme do it in steps. An example would be the following trips:
-Show up at coffee shop in obvious femme jeans, tee shirt and basic feminine flats
-Next time add feminine top
-Add some makeup
-Add feminine hair or wig
-Add obvious feminine top, lace, ruffles, something that screams feminine
-Add some feminine jewelry
-Add bra and small forms
-Add change up to crop pant or leggings
-Add more feminine shoes, heels
-Add skirt or dress
-And many more steps can be added. Each of these would not have to be an individual step but could be combined. This process could be over several days or maybe a couple of weeks. It all goes back to a person's comfort level and what they want to do.

I personally got away from home and was on a business trip for my first time opening the door and getting out enfemme. My first time out and about enfemme was the whole hog and I went for a 20 minute walk. For my second outing I went out to eat at a little restaurant. But that was just how I did it.

..Some CD/TG's will never go to the door or want to go out. If that is who they are and what they want. It is wonderful for them as they know who they are what they want. We should never push them out the door.
..Some people may only make it to the door and never go out it, maybe it is something they never really wanted to do. We should never push them out the door.
..Some will go to the door and have someone help them out the door.
..Some will go to the door and go out in little steps like my example above.
..Some of us go to the door and struggle with the gal between our ears on how to open the door. The door is too heavy, the door knob will not turn, do I look ok, it might rain, the neighbor may see me, not tonight, .... But we do open the door at some point.
..Some go flying out the door like it was not there..... hummmmm anyone this happen to?
..Some get outside the door and find out it is not for them. They are ok to go back in the door and have their femme self stay there. We are happy they tried and know who they are and what they want.

So Anne based on your answer to the question above. "...do you want to take the next step and get out and about?"

If you are up for the challenge, pick your version of the challenge, and within the next week to month show up to get a cup of coffee in a cute dress.

I look forward to hearing your story or ongoing story if you pick the extended multi-stop version.

Kimberlys

[Diana Michelle]

It has been over 40 years since I took my first steps into the sunlight. Actually my first steps were into the moonlight as it was a trip to the mailbox at probably midnight to drop some bills in the mail. Yes I am so old I predate logging on and paying bills with a couple of clicks. We actually had to make out a check and mail it back.

As I think back about that incident I remember the thrill of it all, the sensations, how the cool fall air blew across my hose covered legs and made my skirt flutter, the click of my heels as I walked across the parking lot, the getting my skirt properly situated as I got into the car, the thought of people could actually see me as I drove to the mail box ... I will say time has a way of making the good seem better but it also has a way of dimming the bad and struggles of a certain incident. How many times before I said I was going to do it, got dressed and even had my hand on the door handle yet couldn't turn it to open the door. The fear a neighbor or friend might see me and what would they think or say? What if I had a flat tire or the car broke down? What if I got pulled over by the police and had to show my drivers license?

Now all that said I have always believed even the deepest closeted individuals want to go out. They want to show the world that side of them, to be free to be who or what they are at a particular time. Some do and some don't for a wide variety of reasons be it they do not believe they are "passable", they fear allowing people to see that side of them will bring on ridicule and/or being ostracized, family or job considerations, even feeling "ashamed" for being this way. I have no idea how many girls are out versus how many remain closeted and doubt experts truly know either. I will say there are a hell of a lot more girls out and about today than 40 years ago so we have made some progress.

Full disclosure here. I am not a licensed or trained professional just one who has been around the TG community and a wide variety of girls on all levels for a number of years so the following is not fact but my opinion. IMO while all girls want to go out what separates those who do and those who don't can be boiled down to three factors and all need to be there before anyone steps out that door.

The first factor is circumstances. Yes we would all love to have had someone to hold our hand as we walk out the door the first time few of us had that, I didn't. Still we need to feel we are supported in that choice. That support can come from family or friends and it can be face to face or electronically in today's society. It can be a supportive wife or SO or it can come from a group you interface with over the web. Some are in high profile jobs or prominent in the community so should they take that step it needs to be away from home to avoid detection.

The second factor is need. That need can be the desire to show this side of you to the world. It can be you are tired of being cooped up and want to feel the sun on your shoulders and the breeze across your legs. Maybe you are tired of shopping and finding that absolutely adorable dress then upon trying it on shuttered away at home you realize not only does it not fit but looks awful on. It could be as simple you want to see how other people react and interact with you. The need is individual but it must be there.

Last but definitely not least to put it bluntly you need GUTS! I talked about the sensations and thrills of my first steps out the door but what I didn't mention was how my stomach was turning somersaults and I felt like I was going to throw up. How my knees were shaking. How even though I had been wearing heels for several years I almost fell flat on my face. Yes I was scared to death but somehow I reached deep inside and found the courage to keep going.

To you Anne and all the other girls here I would never try to talk you or anyone else into anything you are not ready for or comfortable with. Many times I have talked with TGs both young and old as they start on their journey. Every one of them has in one way or another asked me "Why didn't I see this sooner?" My answer is simple. "That was not your time but now it is." Is it your time Anne? You and only you can answer that one.

Anne I and others here have offered you support and will continue to same as we do to others. Kim has offered some excellent ideas as how to accomplish going out should you have apprehensions doing it locally. Tragically you are alone on your life's journey so your circumstances offer some potential. Now we need to address the third factor.

First let me say here I and I believe all here will think no differently of you no matter how you decide to proceed for we have all been where you are at. The courage to take those steps into the light does not come easy and I as well as I believe most aborted more than one attempt to go out that door. Many never find that courage for a variety of reasons and I can fully appreciate that. Not finding that courage does not make you any less a person for you are far from alone in feeling like that. Some do and some don't but it is not any different than some like white wine, some prefer red and some do not care for wine at all. We are all unique and while going out may be in your wants you need to feel comfortable with yourself and in what you are doing or not doing.

Anne you have many times expressed the desire to be out and show the world this side of you. Does that desire translate into need I have no idea for only you can answer that. Ralista offered you an excellent path to take those first steps out the door out but it is up to you. I nor anyone else can nor should make that decision for you. Should you decide to take up that challenge I hope you know I and everyone else is here to support you same as we will should opt not to.

[Amanda R]

Full disclosure here. I am not a licensed or trained professional just one who has been around the TG community and a wide variety of girls on all levels for a number of years so the following is not fact but my opinion.

Don't you ever sell your short my dear, dear friend! You may not have a piece of paper stating it however having walked the walk and helping as many as you have you are far more qualified to speak than some alleged professionals.

Like Diana I believe in full disclosure so here it goes. I have know Diana over 13 years. The first time I met her I was a scared 15 year old who 6 or 8 weeks prior had told her mother regardless of what people saw or thought I was a girl. To say I was scared to death during that first meeting fearing she was there to take me away and lock me up in a rubber room for the rest of my life is kind. What I found was a caring individual who had not only walked the walk but willing to help others do the same. There were many talks after that initial meeting and she was always there when I wanted or needed her to be whether it was 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning. Never once did she tell me what to do or not to do rather helped me find the way which was best for me and explaining my options and what each meant not only at that moment but down the road from all sides. Would I have done what I did had she not been there? Yes but it would have been far more difficult and I would be nowhere the woman and person I am today. I consider myself honored to be able to call Diana a friend and thank God everyday for bringing her into my life.

That said maybe I should present my credentials. I have an MS in behavorial psychology and am not only studying for my PhD in the same field but am also a practicing psychologist specializing in gender issues. As I said earlier I am also TG and had my GAS over 7 years ago so I can speak from both sides here.

While lumped together under the same umbrella CDs and TGs have both differing and similar needs. Not going into that but I will say Diana is 100% correct in her assessment of what is required for the CD to go from closeted to out and about. All must be there and none is any more important than the other.

Anne you have been presented with a challenge. Like any challenge you can accept it or pass on it and other than perhaps a few taunts from small minded individuals nothing is going to change how people feel towards you nor will their support for you. It is entirely up to you to accept or pass and do not let anyone tell you differently. Do not look to others for the answer instead look inside for it is only there you find the answer that is right for you.