Becoming Prometheus...

[Anne Bonny]

I am not alone...there are alot of people whose gender tends to be different than their sex brcause gender is an arbitrary construct based on stereotypes that we have about male vs female sex! There is some truth of to be found in all stereotypes but because stereotypes are generalized we know they do not apply to everyone in the groups we are thinking of in stereotypical terms...
Hence...I really do enjoy many things only females are supposed to! Like being kind of sensitive and emotional....wanting to feel connected...and we all want to feel loved and taken seriously. Can a man not enjoy being somewhat submissive to and desire their woman being strong, protective and loving? Feeling safe, protected and able to depend on their woman? Can a man love feeling feminine and pretty and desire that for theirself? Can a man prefer being around women and being as they are, sharing interests with them? Of course there are many men who do. I certainly do! I do not like being a man all of the time, and I find I do not like the way men are, and I do not share all of their interests....this does not make me an effeminate man...but I really do share a lot of things in common with women. There is nothing wrong with that...it's just the way that it is. There are many women who share alot with men too... Most men and women do fit their gender...but not all do so gender should not be seen as a wall we are not able to cross because for many people this creates an awful lot of mental and physical distress...many do suffer severe depression over it all. And this rejection has led to many ending their lives rather than continuing on in a world that marks them as someone to be rejected and hounded to their death! Not all of us...but we all feel the distress of feeling we are not accepted because this is how we happen to be inside. Instead we frequently find ourselves being told we cannot possibly be as we are...we are dismissed as they deny... because the quick rejection of who we are makes them feel indignant certainty that gender can only be as the majority desires it to be. Ut is arbitrary...because we exist as we are.

I am grateful to have a few out there like you. I know I seem to cycle through this over and over again as I wish I could live as openly as you do...or as I do when I dress in a way that they accept while presenting myself in a way that would deny I have any femininity about me inside or out. I know that I simply have to work up to being quite out and in the open about who I am inside...and will have to accept whatever reaction I am confronted with. I remember a nurse practitioner who asked "Are you happy like that!? I said "yes." and the visit continued as she was assessing Pat. I think questioning myself...I used to think...I am being like an exhibitionist...but I can see that is not true because this hidden part of myself is a huge part of who I happen to be! What does it matter? It is true that however people will react to me will be whatever it is and I know that I will not like the permanent consequences that may come if those are negative. Would my neighbor shun me? Will my oldest sister too in addition to attacking be and trying to insert herself into the role of being my Mom and Dad!? Will my son and his new friend feel revulsion and in feeling sickened pull back because they see me as someone who is sickening and disgusting instead of my continuing to be openly and unquestionably accepted respected and cared about as George's Dad!? Would a court not grant George unsupervised visitation rights for me to see my grandchildren even if I do not show this part of who I am to my grandchildren until they are adults? If I go to the base...well no I would never do that because it is a hyper masculine environment just is but how about out to eat or to walmart lowes or anywhere I normally go now in male attire and for that reason alone no one has the least bit of concern or rejection of me and of who I am...though they cannot see who I am inside. I am farther along this coming out barrier than I have been because these are the things that must be pondered before we say...to hell with it! Here I am and damn whatever the reactions are because I will find out who my friends really are and may find many new ones. It may be in having this courage I will find myself to be respected or maybe find some enhanced attraction for others to accept me...my fear is that most would not and would feel the opposite. Coming out into the open and into the light of day .... I am not someone who is able to cast all care to the winds and not care If I find myself stranded and shivering on a cold baron rock with the cold spray of the ocean and the wind as I live out my existence in misery because there is no one there who will extend me a hand and bring me in.

I have found myself expressing gender openly only on the side that reflects my sex...which is irrelevant except in the generalizations society make about it and not wanting to express something that runs counter to what is provided general acceptance by most everyone even if their convictions about it are wrong. oh well...I will continue because I am not able to be different inside than who I really am.

So! will I find myself chained spread eagle to a rock to have my liver eaten everyday only to have it grow back every night so that this can be repeated throughout eternity for my "crime" of living and being who I really am inside? I do not know but maybe I will begin to find out in time... why not be open with some? and maybe I will be led to be open with some more as my life continues on?

So! will I find myself chained spread eagle to a rock to have my liver eaten everyday only to have it grow back every night so that this can be repeated throughout eternity for my "crime" of living and being who I really am inside? I do not know but maybe I will begin to find out in time... why not be open with some? and maybe I will be led to be open with some more as my life continues on? Prometheus...it feels a bit like that...I may not be the champion of mankind who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to mankind...But maybe my Heracles will come to free me and will kill the eagle that eats my "liver" daily after Zeus is persuaded to restore my freedom?

I am glad that I do have around me those who are strong like Heracles and who do openly provide for me their full acceptance... bye...