My female brain

[Anne Bonny]

I am like Eddie Izzard but I think I do desire a look that is the best I can do in the feminine direction while he seems to go with a more gender fluid or mixed look. I do not have any problem with an "eclectic" look...I suppose I have to admit to doing this sometimes myself. Like Eddie I tend to dress male a lot but If I am comfortable as when I am alone or know I am not going to be judged for being a female man...I am going to dress as I please. Like Eddie like all of us... this is not something I chose...we do not get a choice we are just born and come out as we are which in my case ... was a male body but with something female going on in my brain forever driving me against what everyone was pressuring me towards which was of course to be a man. To look like and to behave and to think and to live my life with all the attitudes of a manly man.... Well they based all of that on my body and ignored what was going on inside of my brain which was always screaming to have it's way from a very young age. How I loved being able to wear a dress when I could and do the rest of it too... knowing I would be excluded and rejected by everyone for doing so. I am glad things are changing today to realize that some men are more as women are inside their head. Not overtly so in my case but there never the less. At 63 with my looks in decline...fighting it every inch of the way every day to slow it down and to maintain....yes it does help significantly but there is as of yet no truly reversing of the clock though I do believe we are indeed getting there...NMN, Resveratrol, Intermittent fasting and cold exposure, exercise etc.... Lost the great love of my life two years ago.... wish I could find another woman who would want me so that I am no longer alone....but I do have to admit women do want their men to be men...manly in that traditional sense...and while not effeminate at least outwardly except in appearance alot of the time....being a heterosexual male yes, I do love women and being around them a lot....yet I do know few women are capable or desire to inhabit the traditional male place even temporarily in any relationship...women as I do desire to be a woman all of the time...well...I do tend to like Eddie drift back into the male direction and appearance....I just do not always relish having to be that and I find I do not like how men tend to be a lot which is having to dominate, have their way, and to drive for getting it most of the time selfishly. Men tend to be hard and driving pushing us aside to assert their dominance. They think nasty thoughts about us... No while I am capable of course of fooling everyone with my male appearance and asserting myself as a man...it is not where I really desire being a lot of the time...I guess that is because I am as I am mentally....this is where this female inclined brain I was born with comes out. I can go without being overtly female for a time but it really begins to bother me when I am not able to allow Anne out of her confinement...and it may mean I will never have a woman in my life. If that is how it has to be, then I accept that because I cannot help being who I am inside. How many years do I have left anyway...20, 30, 100?