Life as it is

[Estefania]

I am enjoying the first of two weeks of from work. “Use it or loss it” kind of vacation, still leaving one more week to be used before the end of August. I’m so blessed having a job I love and having the stability and safety, even in these crazy times.
My daughter finished college and has landed a good job already. My son will be back to college in August. We are in the process on paying off our debt and soon after (once our credit scores are reflecting that) we will put up our current home for sale, and move into a larger place. Nothing wrong with our current place but it was supposed to be a “starter” house, so kids bedrooms are small, almost no closet space, etc.
Life is good. True, still need to workout many things with my wife. It saddens me all the pain and heartache I have inflicted onto her.
And yet... here I am still. Trying to hold on into that part of me which has given us so many problems, and yet has made my life so... I don’t know how to describe what I have got from my dressing... so many things, so many “achievements”, experiences “from the other side of the skirt”, so many things way beyond that initial excitement of dressing in secret, the sexual component of it. Going out and finally learning that passing is way cool, but being accepted is even better! Accepted as a woman? Yeah, maybe a few times. But just being accepted as a human being who has the right to dress and present as he wishes to do so, who is not hurting others (except, of course, my wife)

I’m a very anti-social guy. Mostly because I don’t really fit in the “manly” side. Talking cars or guns or carpentry, etc. bores me to tears... yet I can’t fully embrace having female friends in real life because, well, I can’t fully engage in their world as a guy. I have some great online friends, both females and cd/tg, but they gave to exist only here, online... even though I have had some minor interactions with those online friends and met tons of my cd/tg friends and several of my female friends too. But those interactions just don’t fit in with my everyday life.

Result? I’m lonely. Sure, not when it comes to marriage and family. But I don’t have friends. Sad, isn’t it? So, quoting the “Games People Play” song, “Where do we go from here?” No clue. I just thank you, any of you who has been a part, no matter how small, in this crazy, wacky and almost unbelievable journey.

I hope to still be able to be around. I wish more people knew about this site. We all have a lot to give, so many to share... Like many of you, knowing we have been able to help others brings a great feeling and a smile to my face... even if I’ll never be the “CD cheerleader” telling others to do whatever they want, darn be the consequences. I wish I had know better and had never gone behind my wife’s back... maybe, just maybe, if she had been included from the very beginning , perhaps things would be different. Who knows?

Anyway, thanks for reading into my ramblings

Gaby

[Diana Michelle]

What a beautiful and heartfelt post Gaby. Sorry you will always be Gaby to me same as my 35 YO nephew who is Rick to everyone else will always be Ricky to Aunt Diana but that is another story for another time.

It has been over 40 years since I informed my family of the path I chose to follow for my life. To say some unkind and hurtful words were exchanged is polite and I freely admit I am guilty of uttering a few of them myself. That confrontation led to a 7 year hiatus from the bulk of my family only ending due to a near tragic event. While I harbored ill will towards my family for their words and actions I never stopped loving them. Even after I was somewhat welcomed back into the family many told me they had a difficult time understanding what I did or why I did it rather they attempted to see me in the here and now to who I was today, not what I was before. Yes even after the reconciliation the scars of that episode were there and even though it has been 30 plus years since the "reunion" still are. Many times I have said forgiving is easy forgetting is not.

Every relationship hits a rocky patch or two along the way. My first husband was the love of my life and always will be. I love him more than life itself even today but to say we never had disagreements would be one huge lie. Both being strong willed and on occasion stubborn, he was Italian and I am Polish, we both had times we would say things are one of two ways, my way and the wrong way. Still in spite of how loud our "discussions" were, they were always only discussions as he would never be violent with a woman and I would never have tolerated it, we always kissed and made up and said "I love you" before going to bed. Granted there a few nights it was only a couple hours of sleep but being there with the man I loved it was always a peaceful sleep. I don't know if you and your wife have always done that Gaby but it is never too late to start.

I am an outgoing person and make friends easily. I have many friends so it is difficult for me to comprehend what it is like not to have any. TBH it has always been my closest friends I call first when I have good news as well as have been the ones who got me through some tough and even dark moments of my life. I have a couple of opinions as to why you do not have friends but rather than enumerate them I will instead challenge you try to make one friend. Makes no difference whether that friend is male or female, CD or not, has a lot of common interests or not, even if they are someone you work with or have nothing to do with your job just make friends with them. Everyone needs that someone to turn to for a shoulder to cry on or go to the bar with for a drink to celebrate. I will add here "to have a friend you must be one."

Those who truly know me will tell you if you look enigma in the dictionary my picture is there and I proudly admit they are probably right! While not a wizard at cars I know more about them than many men. I love sports car racing and follow it faithfully. A couple of years of ago I went to France with the primary intent of seeing what is considered the ultimate sports car race. I was a pretty damned good shortstop in my day. Though other than a few times in a backyard when I was a kid I never played football I enjoy watching it and know the rules pretty well. More than once people have stopped by to find me in greasy jeans and a grubby t shirt cutting the grass atop the garden tractor and even once or twice changing the oil on said tractor.

That said I consider myself a fashionable woman. I am so vain even if I am going to be home all day alone I do my make up and hair and at least put earrings in even if it is just simple studs. I enjoy getting dressed up and yes maybe even showing off a little. I have many times been at a casual outing like a barbecue and the only woman there in a skirt or dress. I love going to the salon and being pampered complete with a mani/pedi. I hate spiders and snakes and am one of the first ones jumping up on a chair when someone calls out "Mouse!"

I have worked with a few girls as they questioned where they fit on the TG scale as well when they plundered their way through transition if that was the path they opted to take. I have never pushed anyone in one direction or another rather tried to explain what all paths meant and the rewards and potential pitfalls each could hold. No one can or ever should try to tell you what direction your life should go for that choice is reserved for you and you alone. Perhaps one of the most difficult things most people struggle with is "What box do I fit in?" I have many times and I am talking far beyond gender issues as well. It wasn't until I realized it is not about trying to decide what box I fit into but rather building the box that best fits me I started to understand and accept me. In simpler words "One size does NOT fit all!"

I have no idea what the future holds for me let alone what it holds for you Gaby. I pray you find that happiness that seems to be eluding you at the moment. I will tell you finding yourself and your place in this crazy escapade we call life is one of the most wonderful feelings eclipsed only by being in love and being loved back. I think I speak for everyone here we are here for you be it a shoulder to cry on, celebrate a victory, and even telling you that it is just how it is complete a proverbial kick in the backside telling you to suck it up and get back out there.

[Anthony Simon]

I have some similar problems with loneliness. I remember when I played Titania in a school play, I got written up in the local press as making a convincing girl, but I think it put my schoolmates off - too convincing - and I lost my two friends out of it and became persona non grata for a couple of years. It was only when I got in the school team (at rugby) that I "proved" I could be a man and got let back in, to a certain extent.

I was talking to one of my neighbours maybe a year ago and I said "People don't like me". I said that was because I can't keep my mouth shut - and she said no that wasn't it. She started talking about one of her relatives who had been gay, saying that "conservative people" couldn't sort of get on with him because of that. It was clear to me she was saying that I don't fit into the "masculine" box and that was the root of it.

The thing is I have sort of become friends with her and another neighbour since I forgot to take of this pink (i.e. girl's) watch when I was in a minor interaction with them a a couple of years ago. This seems to have been taken as an unconscious signal of my girliness - i.e. a making of myself vulnerable to them - and having opened myself to them like that, everything else seems to have followed (to simplify).

[Estefania]

Diana, Anthony,

Thank you so much for your replies. They are very much appreciated.

I hope your friendship with these ladies (and their acceptance!) will continue to grow.

Hey Diana! While I’m not really into cars, I have done a few related things. Replaces brake pads, changed oil, etc.

Sports, yes, that I enjoyed a lot. Played up to college level until I hurt my knee. Thing is, from all sports, my favorite is soccer. Which is only funny/sad since soccer is the one sport that pretty much nobody I know here cares about soccer! Oh well!

Sending this now, thank you all!

Gaby

[Noeleena]

Hi.

Heading . of .
People don't like me. and concservative.

how does the people don't like me come about theres many reasons , age class or differences in back ground , so what does it take to be liked accepted orbeing part of the group or friends,

Im early years of cause growing up does not come with a know it all and how to, so is trail and error, I was an introvert a loner and stand offish did not like large group,s of people unless I knew them and was not many .
I throw myself into my work and hobbies and because I did a lot of work with people and for them I learnt how to talk how to work things out both in my trade,s and with people in the main I would say I was about 70% okay people wise though did take me a while to get there, work wise I had been trained ,

years later because I had the experance I did better did not allways get it right, I can say I worked in the male world and learnt my trades and that was as far as it goes I wont say I found that easy not from a female point of view still I got there.

because of my work background women would rather have me work for them why, I know this is a slight against men and yes I have been abused so I do know what it,s like and the attitude men showed towards us = female = pity, why do they persist in doing so , what changed for me was years later I had the expreance and stood on my own two feet and though a few have tried I am too strong for them so as I had more to do with men they backed away from me because of my training and expreance most women prefer me to be around them ,

Being accepted in my case has been based on getting to know me and well enough to know I,ll be there for them no ? s ask no matter the detail and trust they have in myself.

So this People don't like me , I wonder why is that,is one open to tell other,s about our self,s to trust them with your life background and who you are, faults fail points and the not able to do, in what ever that maybe, I quess with in our large group,s I am known for what I have been assigned for and expreanced to do if one does not get given that trust you wont be put in charge of what ever it is I have respociblitys because this is what people need . I have given myself .

You know what .s the lowest you can go to help some one being a servant. some one spills a drink on the carpert do you leave it or do you get the cloths and on your knees clean it up and then carry on doing what you were, I have done this for people who ignored me and did not wont to talk with me ,

I quess I get to people in being as my saying is.

…….I,m There For Them ……….

Surprising, This was next door, this did happen last night at my close female friends BirthDay Party, , just 7 of us.

What I,m saying is for get about your self and what you wont you don't have to talk or say any thing , its in the being there and the doing,

Yes I know for those of us who are old school it,s expected of us ,- female,s- to do the lowly work I do get asked why do I do this I,m a cook and my crew 5 of us do very large meals for people in the 100,s plus the others at times 15 work for me and heres something men do as well , it,s about being accepted ,

Conservitive,

not wonting to change or accept something different belive in what,s been taught.

In my case, accepting what they thought I was just not knowing I was different from the normal, though some did know , for those who did not know would they have asked . doubt they would have so go back to the 70,s and back to when I was born 1947, strangely had I told my friends then I some how in the back of my mind many would have , why because those friends had accepted I was born different over the last close to 20 years many of the older people I know had no idear yet accepted my difference , I never lost any of my friends and have gained so many 100.s more,

What I did do was to trust other,s completely and the wonderfull acceptance has been so LOVELY....
And being born female has been an advantage ,

...noeleena...

[Diana Michelle]

I have spoken many times about my first husband and am going to again. We had been dating a couple of months and I was really quite fond of him. Maybe even loved him but had yet to admit it to myself let alone say it to him. The relationship was almost perfect except for one little thing, I had not told him of my past. TBH I was scared to death to for every other guy I had told turned tail and ran and Frank meant more to me than all of them combined. I even thought of not telling him but I believe one of the building blocks of a relationship is truth. As scared as I was of the potential consequences I knew in my heart I had to tell him. I remember sitting on my sofa telling him through my tears just "knowing" the best thing that had ever come into my life was going to walk out the door never to be seen or heard from again. He took me in his arms and said something like "That was what you were and makes who you are, the beautiful young woman I have in my arms and want there." For one of the very few times in my life I was speechless but I do believe my nonverbal response got through to him. It wasn't exactly then but later that evening after ah, well you know , we first said "I love you" to each other.

I am not telling you this to elicit "Awww's" rather to make several points. First off while you need not going around advertising you are CD or TG or Gay or whatever be proud of who you are. Next while there are some out there who will judge you for what you are there are some who will see you for who your are. Last but definitely not least you cannot be true to others unless you are true to yourself.

For those of you out there feeling hopelessness and "sure" there is no one out there for you be it a friend or a romantic interest I am reminded of an old saying in the auto industry. It may be a bit crude but IMO says it all. "There's an a$$ for every seat."

[Lauren]

It was several months after I began my transition we had a project at work that was not going well. It was behind schedule, over budget, and it seemed like if we took a step forward in one area we took two back in another. We were in our usual Monday morning staff meeting and it just got me. I went into a diatribe and used more than a couple of very unladylike phrases and F bombs. Yes it made me feel better at the moment but as I thought about it I realized what an a$$ I made of myself and went around to everyone who was present and apologized. The shop foreman told me for a moment he thought saying my former male name was still around. I asked him what he meant by that and he said he thought the new me would be different. I tried to explain while my attire was different I was still the same person. Not sure he understood but seemed to accept my explanation.

What I am trying to say here is for some people who when they discover you are TG or CD or Gay or anything different than they thought suddenly see you differently. They think to themselves "I thought I knew this person" and even "what other secrets are they hiding?" While that may be true with some the vast majority of us are not. We are the same person you thought we were before we let you totally inside us. Nothing has changed except perhaps the wrapping.

Gabriela you talk about letting your wife down. Yes perhaps you did in not telling her long before preferably before you got married but other than that have you? Are you suddenly different? Have you turned from a loving spouse to a monster? Have you become so obsessed with being Gabriela you have ignored her or your children? I don't think so from some of the things you said. I will grant you that you have disappointed your wife in not feeling comfortable enough to share your secret with the woman who is your life partner but IMO you seem like you are taking the steps to right that wrong.

I don't think I have to tell anyone here relationships are hard and take work. A marriage being the ultimate in relationships requires even more. IMO the day you stop putting in that work is the day a relationship dies. I have one question for you Gabriela. Do you still want to put in the work necessary to make your marriage survive and grow? I really don't expect an answer for it is none of my business but I do ask you ask yourself this of yourself and answer it to yourself.

I wish you the best and that you find that answer that works best for you. Not me, not anyone else, just you and your wife. I have not been a member here long but from what I have witnessed and read there is a lot of knowledge and caring people here and don't be afraid to ask for help. IMO it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help rather a sign of strength.