Who I am

[Anne Bonny]

From the widows and widowers FB site....my post received many responses telling me that they recognized their own experience and feelings in mine. I saw 100 responses and many replies with tips basically saying you have to try all the levers...if one thing is not for you move on...but keep moving keep getting out and chipping away at it. Many have no friends and found their spouses friends disappeared when their spouse died...so finding yourself alone is common. Some returned or have kept working to get their mind else where. Activities. Hobbies. Travel, family...and some have been lucky to meet someone. Some have broken through to having a happy life again. But 27.5 months is not at all unusual but common and being where I currently am...some said their spouse had gone over 5 years ago. So...I am on track thinking what can I do today? Trying to think about what I might do..
Not easy with Covid...they said that too. Yeah...guess I'll go walk the board walk...gonna have to force myself to sail. Salsa class tonight. With the Explorer I can take my bike to the beach, might put tires on Pat's mountain bike because it has fat tires. I think I also get discouraged thinking I need to pretend to be more male because that will make finding someone easier...but then that is really a lie because I am not able to live without being able to express my feminine self, if I could not dress and be in touch and feel those feelings I have always felt Inside ...it's not possible for me to do it, not any more...and I never really did...I really do need to be loved, encouraged and accepted, wanted by a woman. I cannot live without touching that base at times...every day. But in between I can be or appear male outwardly though I now have a lingerie drawer and have put the male things elsewhere. Yeah still need socks and a t-shirt under male clothes to make that appear right...with my smooth legs, polished toes and pierced ears and longer hair...even clear coated fingers most of last week even at the commissary. My trans balance is about where I am...I definitely need to be able to be freely where I am and wear whatever I desire at home without a women batting an eye, and around at least some of our friends openly! I do not know what I am, but it is something between leaning well into female...but at times not and that should not bat any eyes either when I am here in my male. I really am this person...whoever she/he is!

It is strange to be a woman who is also male and with mixed feelings and emotions about it all but this is honestly who I have always been as long as I can remember...but was always forced to bury it all...hasn't been a nice experience this life for me...but this is the world we live in.

Would I find myself moving more one way again If a miracle happened for me and I met a woman who latches firmly onto me as her possession again!? In love? I do not know...I probably do spend more time in male things...but many would be inclined to believe that I cannot really be considered as a man as people think of men and how they are. And I agree that I do not either in a lot of ways, but in many ways women would feel I am not as they are either and flat out am not at all on the huge biological differences. Oh well. Am where and who I have always been...I do really like being a girl and am not ashamed of any of it.

Hum, I have purchases a home laser IPL device $115. because I definitely do not want facial hair and never really have. Shaving is really a drudge to have to do every morning. I think in early high school ... more in the peach fuzz phase I did attempt to have a mustache but that was the only time I ever tried. I do know that this does not work on white or grey hair, and my skin I do not believe is olive...still I am afraid to try it because of something called Post Inflammatory Hyperpigmentation. That and I run every day in the sun though I do wear a hat with a bill and cover my nose and lower face with 100% Zinc Oxide....hum just saw something about taking anti inflammatory meds...motrin! by the Mayo Clinic...think I will go read about that. Girls should not have hair on their face! And though this will only rid me of any of the ones that are still dark or medium brown...still to have a decreased amount of hair would be wonderful.