Why didn't he tell me?

[Diana Michelle]

The weather here is cold and gray. It is rainy so can't even play golf so this afternoon decided to sit down and do a dangerous thing, think. Maybe because of a particular thread here I got to thinking about wives or SO's or whatever you call your partner and how they see and accept or not accept having a CD partner.

I think most here know me and my story but for any who don't or have forgotten I am TG and had my surgery many years ago, perhaps before some of you were born. A couple around here have referred to me as the "Granny Tranny" and it makes me smile every time I hear it. I have been active in the LGB and particularly T community over 20 years now though I admit to "going stealth" after my surgery only telling those who had a true reason to know. Not that I go around advertising I am TG today I openly admit to it should the subject arise. Through those 20 plus years I have talked to TG support groups and TG individuals about their "situation." I have also given talks to college level classes on being TG as well as to wives and SO support groups in addition to discussing one on one with individual partners on the subject.

Over the years I have had many questions posed to me on the subject but thinking back the two most difficult questions to answer have always been "Why didn't he tell me?" and "If you were in my shoes what would you do?" Sure there have been other questions including the obvious "Does this mean he is gay?" For the record depending on the actual study you read 80 to 90% of CDs are completely heterosexual.

"Why didn't he tell me?" could have a wide variety of answers but IMO it is mainly out of fear. Fear of losing a special loved one. Fear of being stereotyped. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being outed. Fear of being labeled as whatever. There are may be other reasons but IMO fear is at the root of why he didn't tell you.

Years ago I was in a relationship with a guy I strongly cared for. Not sure it was love really but it was not that long after my surgery and one of my first serious relationships and sometimes the need to feel wanted and important is mistaken for love. Knowing one of the building blocks to any successful relationship is truth I told him of my past. I am not going to repeat what he had to say for it was quite vulgar and demeaning but I do remember his every word as though it happened yesterday. As he got ready to walk out the door and my life he told me "You better never tell anyone about me because I don't want anyone to think I'm a fag!" Obviously I was devastated but over time I have thought about his words and the fact he feared being labeled gay. Fear is a huge driving force.

"If you were in my shoes what would you do?" I generally start by saying something like "Have squished toes with my size 10 feet" Yea I know lame but sometimes a little levity helps in serious situations. I explain that for the most part CDs are the same people regardless of how they are dressed. Clothes do not change the person. I explain how some men like to hunt or fish or work on cars and some like to wear women's clothes. As long as it doesn't become a driving force in their lives treat it as another hobby. I ask other than his penchant for women's clothes is he a good husband or partner or whatever? Is he a good father if that applies? If he wasn't a CD would you want him in your life? Obviously there are other things I tell them depending on the actual situation however I always bring these up.

Some see the light instantly, some it comes more slowly to, and there are some who just can't just deal with it. Of those who accept some come to welcome it with open arms even participating in outings and fantasies. Others it is more of OK but don't let anyone else know and disappear to give their partner a couple hours of girl time. With even others it is more a DADT attitude. I know you are going to do it but I really don't want to know. Obviously I wish all would openly embrace their partner's "hobby" but I can understand the attitudes of others having had more than a few explain their reasoning to me.

As I said I believe truth is a building block to any relationship and I like to think what all of us here have is a relationship. "If you were in my shoes what would you do?" Very honestly I haven't a clue! As many know I have been married twice and neither of my husbands showed any inkling of a tendency to CD so I have never had to broach the subject on a personal level. I know all the arguments, statistics, and am aware of many of the studies. I can reason with anyone but in the back of my mind a voice keeps screaming "You married a man, not a woman!" I would like to think the open minded person I am and with my background I would openly accept and embrace this side of him but the cold truth is I have heard every argument against as well and while I don't agree with many of them and have questions about the validity of others many decisions are made not just with the mind but also the heart.

Right about now I am sure more than a few of you are staring at the screen with your jaw on the ground. How could she say that? How can she say it is alright to shun us for our hobby? I am not saying that at all! I firmly believe all have a right to live their life as they see fit obviously within legal and moral boundaries. I said I would like to believe I would accept it open arms and believe I would. Just saying as a woman I can see the other side as well. Knowing something and actually doing it is not as easy it sounds.

Bottom line here. I know all of you who are in the closet or with less than willing to participate partners wish they were they were more accepting. I can appreciate that and support you in that desire even willing to correspond with her on your behalf to try to help her come to full acceptance. I do truly believe we all have the right to live our lives as we see fit however and you can call me a hypocrite here if you want but I can see the other side too.

[Ralitsa]

Those are some really great points and observations Diana.

I think the best point is that we don't make decisions with our brains but with our feelings, instincts some may call it.
So maybe we don't have complete control over our feelings and desires, but we do have control over our behavior. And maybe someone doesn't want to marry a TG person (of course everyone has the right to decide who they will marry for whatever reasons) but that doesn't justify hateful behavior, such as you described from the guy you were in a relationship with.

And yeah fear is definitely the main reason why we don't say anything. And it does irritate me some that a SO will say something to the effect that "he should have trusted me enough to tell me" at the same time she is acting in exactly the way he feared she would and proving that he couldn't trust her after all.

So thanks for sharing your thoughts and observations. I'm sure they are very helpful to some of us struggling with "to tell or not to tell".

[Eileen (SO)]

This topic is as useful to the CD/TG as to their spouses. When Diana wrote that she married a man, not a woman. That also helped me understand her TG mind set. Forgetting her pre surgery appearance, she lives and thinks as a woman.

Writing as a wife of cross dressing husband, the 'why didn't he tell me' question was really hurtful when 'she' was discovered. Beyond the lack of trust and honesty, him wearing my clothing, my most intimate wear, for pleasure, made me feel violated as a woman nearly as much as rape. I felt dirty, nothing was really my own. Not even panties. It still bothers me that it happened.

We were married in 1980, so my views are from that time period. Why didn't he tell me? Most guys at the time feared they might be gay, or if not, they were the only straight guys dressing up. Most also thought that dressing urges will go away after being married. It never goes away.
We would never have been married if I knew what he did privately. As newlyweds and eventually parents, then homeowners for our young family, 'Terri' was very much hidden, but never went away. Actually, 'Terri' didn't have a name yet.

There came a time when kids were leaving the nest, (finally!) we had more time together. I've come to believe that most husbands feel guilty about the hidden life they live and become careless so as to be caught somehow. If only there were some insight as to how broaching the subject could be dismissed if the conversation was going wrong.
Losing a fiancee, wife, children, home. There's not ever a good time to out yourself as a CD.

I admit that the transition period to acceptance was brutal. Then through self education, I realized that him dressing female was more common than I thought. He can't help having these desires. And mostly, he's still the man I've loved all these years. I still have my manly man in my life most of the time.

I think that my acceptance came after I realized that he has suffered much more over many decades than I have.

Eileen

[Diana Michelle]

Ralista I agree with you 100%! I have always believed there are two parts to the human mind which for lack of better terms I call logical and emotional. Many decisions are made with the logical side however equally as many are made from the emotional side as well. Neither is a dominant factor for both come to play in all decisions just in different degrees of importance. Think buying a new car here. One can reason out the pros and cons of leather seats or the basic or upgraded model even should you buy new or used however emotion comes to play when deciding the red one or the blue one. You may call them different things but I think all of you get what I am saying here.

I do hope that my opining helped some with the decision of whether to tell or not. I do hope all have a relationship that there is the trust to tell however I know there are many reasons not to. Each situation and relationship is unique and no one knows the relationship better than those in it. I will say sometimes one must take a blind leap of faith. No it does not always work out however one never knows until one tries.

Eileen thank you for sharing your story on how you felt and what you went through on the road to acceptance. I can only imagine it was not only a difficult path but perhaps even more difficult to air it in public. As I said I have never personally faced this particular situation however I have had to make a few difficult decisions in my life and know how difficult it was come to them and the consternation I went through getting there. It takes a lot of love to see through what you wish for versus what really is. To see with not just your eyes but also your heart.

Eileen raised some very good points here ladies and I have heard many of them from other wives when they learn their husband, SO, boyfriend, or whatever is a CD. I hope all of you read them carefully and think about them because they come from the heart. I know all of you hope your wife or SO would continue to see you as you are and accept this is just another part of you. I wish it was that way as well but that is not how life always is. As I said in my original post I honestly don't know how I would react if faced with this. I know how I hope I would handle it knowing what I know however knowing what you should do and actually doing it is not always the same thing.

[Eileen (SO)]

Hubby and I had further discussions after my post. In the days before internet access, how would a 20 something guy confide to his wife that he does things he doesn't understand? He may be ashamed to admit he likes to dress feminine. We're taught that straight guys don't behave that way. Each passing year, while the desires don't go away, it's harder to open up to such a long held secret. Each year becomes harder to keep hidden and more difficult for the wife to accept.
My guy became moody, depressed, irritable. Of all the things I suspected was going on, crossdressing was the least harmful to our marriage.

Her friends say she's so lucky to have an accepting wife. I'm just as lucky. No more doubts about where he's going or who with. Meeting other CD's and wives was better than counseling. A lot less expensive and more fun as well.

Eileen

[Rikki]

You rock, Eileen!!!

Happy Holidays, Rikki

[Diana Michelle]

Eileen makes a lot of great points here.

Of all the things I suspected was going on, crossdressing was the least harmful to our marriage.

When one lives with someone day in and day out you have acquire a familiarity with that person. Their habits, their likes and dislikes, their quirks all yes but you also develop a 6th sense about them. You can sometimes know they are not feeling well before they say anything, you know something is troubling them before they admit it, even sense even subtle changes in mood. Ladies no matter how well you think you keep it hidden your partner knows there is something! Rather letting her mind wander to more serious issues open up!

In the days before internet access, how would a 20 something guy confide to his wife that he does things he doesn't understand?

Yes the internet has made things different but it is really better? Been a while since I have done it but I would think if you Google "transgender" you would probably get 43 bazillion hits. Now if you filter out the ads, dressing services, retailers aimed at the TG market, story sites, dating sites, porn, etc. you are probably still faced with 10 bazillion "informational" sites. OK so now you filter out the purely medical sites and the ones with doctorial theses you are down to say 7 bazillion, Still a daunting number to be polite. While I will grant you there are some excellent sites out there full of accurate and useful information there are some which are absolute BS! Obviously I have some intimate knowledge of TG so it is relatively easy for me to spot most of the crap sites but some of them are more difficult to detect. Some of them even intersplice good factual information with pure fiction and fantasy. How is someone seeking factual and quality information to know the difference? If I had that answer I would probably also know the numbers for the next gazillion dollar lottery drawing.

The pre internet days seems a lifetime ago and for some of you it is. I began my transition in December 1979. Even before the days of surfing of bulletin boards on your Commodore 64 via a 300 baud dial up modem! I cannot speak as to how others became aware back then but I can how I did. I was probably 12 or 13 when I started to realize crossdressing was not the whole answer for me, there was something more. Granted back then I was "sure" I was the only one in the world like this and it wasn't until discovering adult book stores at the age of 18 that I came to understand I was not alone in the world. Then in my college sophomore year I took a class in Human Sexuality and one of the subjects they touched on was transsexuality and I came to the realization that could be me. I started to do some research though back in those days resources were limited. The vast of what was available was medical books and psychology or psychiatry journals, very heavy reading. From what I was able to digest and comprehend cemented my belief that perhaps I was transsexual on at least some level still it took me several years of denial to seek professional help.

Regardless of what era one began their journey to discovery in it is not easy and even once self awareness is accomplished there are periods of doubts, feelings of shame for being different, even in some cases attempts to change so it is not surprising many do not open up. It has to be extremely difficult for someone in a relationship to tell fearing losing the most important person in their life.

Her friends say she's so lucky to have an accepting wife.

Yes she is and in case she should forget don't even think twice about reminding her of that fact! All joking aside I think at least most of us have seen those lists of "The reasons it is good to have a crossdressing husband." While they are cute and done tongue in cheek when you think about some of then have a certain validity to them. Sad more wives don't see them the same way.

[Gillian]

Unfortunately we live in a world that tends to like things in black and white. Fifty shades of grey is more the reality (figuratively, mostly), but many still see everything in black and white. Why can't we all just get along, the problem is we want everybody to think and act just like us. I feel for those who don't know who they are, whether it be sexuality, or anything else. I remember being a crossdressing teen who loved the feel, the joy of wearing lingerie, but sex and sexuality was always getting in then way. I attempted to tell some friends about myself, and quickly learned to just shut up. With no internet, just library research books and playboy advertising those speciality stores in the back pages, left me feeling very alone. Was I going to tell my wife, not a chance, I still figured that I was going to out grow this phase in my life. It took 20 years, when I told her, she was relieved that I wasn't having an affair. Did the situation get resolved, it took time, lots of time. Now, 20+ years later, we have found our equilibrium.

I whole heartedly agree that honesty is the best policy. This is not easy though. A quote from a movie goes,"tell the truth, even if it does you harm". Ouch, if only we could all be that way. We all have the need to be loved, accepted and respected. having said that, love doesn't necessarily mean sex, acceptance isn't always on our terms, and respect can happen in various degrees according to our own actions. Too many of us, whether it be one, or the other were not totally honest with each other when we married. We are human, imperfect, weak and vulnerable.

My wife didn't sign up for some of what she has had to put up with, but I didn't sign up for some of what I have had to put up with either. Well maybe we should both look at our marriage vows, for better, or worse, richer, or poorer........

I still believe that love conquerers all.

[Diana Michelle]

Thank you Gillian for weighing in with your experience. We need to hear more of the success stories out there and I know there have to be more than just these two.

It took 20 years, when I told her, she was relieved that I wasn't having an affair.

As I said when you live with someone you develop a 6th sense and when something changes many thoughts go through your mind and trust me here girls they are not good thoughts! No matter how well you think you have kept it hidden she knows! She may not know you are CD but she knows there is something going on. Start by putting your arms around her and say "I love you but there is something you need to know ..."

I whole heartedly agree that honesty is the best policy.

I have always one of the basic building blocks of a lasting relationship is honesty. No I have not told every guy I have dated I was transgendered but if I felt the relationship was going somewhere I did. I am not going to subject you to some of the vile things I have heard from some. Others were more "I have to think about this and will get back to you." Either way I never saw or heard from any of them again. Then a guy came into my life came into my life and I just knew he was something special. TBH I even thought of not telling him but I knew deep inside I had to so after a couple of months of dating him I told him. I remember that evening like it was yesterday.

Him: "I'm really not sure what to say here.'

Me through my tears: "Just go ahead and say what you want to say and leave."

Him: "Is that what you want? You want me to leave?"

Me sobbing: "No"

Him: "Good because I don't want to leave. That was what you were but what I know is the beautiful young lady I have in my arms and she is the one I want there."

Not going into details beyond that but I am sure you have a few ideas where that led. It was that night after we first said "I love you" and I knew this guy is a keeper which leads me to my final point which Gillian put so eloquently.

I still believe that love conquerers all.